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#806893 +(3420)- [X]

<+TheUltra4sshole> I mean, we started 2 nights before, recruiting strippers to show up
<+TheUltra4sshole> things got out of hand, and we end up with 10 kegs, and who knows how many imported sluts
<+TheUltra4sshole> I'm not talking tundra wookies
<+TheUltra4sshole> I mean, decent-looking chicks
<+TheUltra4sshole> they'd ranks a 6 or 7 here, but are fucking TEN in alaska
<+TheUltra4sshole> party goes awesome
<+TheUltra4sshole> don't catch any of the game
<+TheUltra4sshole> we all pass out by about 3 am
<+TheUltra4sshole> first call is at 6 am
<+TheUltra4sshole> and being professional alcoholics, we rigged the central firealarm to go off 10 minutes before first call
<+TheUltra4sshole> well, we all wake up to the fire alarm, clean the shithole up, then go down to PT formation
<+TheUltra4sshole> just expecting a 10-mile detox run or something gay like that
<+TheUltra4sshole> 1SG says we're having a health and welfare inspection
<+TheUltra4sshole> where he goes through everbody's room and fucks you up for anything that's out of place
<+TheUltra4sshole> well... we had 10 empty kegs and a buncha passed out whores in our building...
<+TheUltra4sshole> not to mention the little shit like bottle caps and whatnot
<+TheUltra4sshole> thank GOD he went to consolidated barracks first, so we had about an hour to get everything cleaned up
<+TheUltra4sshole> you wanna talk about a buncha men working as a team...
<+TheUltra4sshole> we had the buffer going, you heard nothing but vacuums, sweeping, mopping, and calls for the medic to get a hooker with an IV
<+TheUltra4sshole> pure mayhem
<+TheUltra4sshole> we get all the sluts out of our own rooms, and since the dayroom only had a little bit of furniture and we can work on it together, we all hit it at once
<+TheUltra4sshole> well...there was one chick left over
<+TheUltra4sshole> still passed out, topless in a leather skirt
<+TheUltra4sshole> when we heard CQ on the first floor call "AT EASE!"
<+TheUltra4sshole> fucking panic
<+TheUltra4sshole> Aubaugh, being the smart crazy jew he was, stole a buncha rappelling gear from mountaineering
<+TheUltra4sshole> tied her passed-out ass up in a swiss-seat
<+TheUltra4sshole> (mind you, she was wearing JUST a skirt, and a swiss seat goes between the legs)
<+TheUltra4sshole> tie the 120 to the center pillar, tied her figure 8 off in a bowline, and pushed her out the window
<+TheUltra4sshole> she hung there for FORTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES
<+TheUltra4sshole> We pass the inspection
<+TheUltra4sshole> BUT
<+TheUltra4sshole> as 1SG was walking out of the barracks, he walked around the outside looking for cigarette butts and caught us hauling her naked ass back in the window...
<+TheUltra4sshole> Fail
<+TheUltra4sshole> we had such a good chance to get away with it...
<+TheUltra4sshole> man was that a long week for charlie company, 2-1 infantry

#728751 +(3350)- [X]

<ehFk> so today in class Mr. Frank was like "Guys, turn to page 404...."
<ehFk> me being a smartass say "Sir.... I can't find it"
<ehFk> "Michael, It is page 404"
<ehFk> "SIR! I CAN'T FIND IT!"
<ehFk> I spent the next two minutes explaining  to my class what 404 meant
<ehFk> and they all looked at me like I was the biggest fucking nerd EVER
<TheTik> wow... speechless.

#610847 +(2895)- [X]

Good Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

#623132 +(2147)- [X]

<Bonz> I saw a debate in the US Congress where the Coast Guard and others were saying it's impossible to smuggle nukes into the US. One of the Congressman asked, "What if they're smart enough to pack it in a bale of marijuana? We know you can't stop THAT."

#639797 +(2028)- [X]

<[BAD]Beef> follow my reasoning
<[BAD]Beef> my comp has no floppy drive
<[BAD]Beef> so I go downstairs to make a boot floppy on another comp
<[BAD]Beef> I come back in my room with the floppy in my hand
<[BAD]Beef> and bang my head against the wall

#637196 +(1821)- [X]

<LordPie> which part confuses you more, my complex lexicon or the fact that i beat you with your own logic?
<jestaa> using big words doesn't make you more smarter.
<LordPie> Sorry, let me put it in an language that you can understand
<LordPie> OMG, ROFL LOL!!!!!!!!! J00 GOT OWNED!!11111!!

#370 +(1795)- [X]

<Beeth>  Progress (n.):  The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart
<Beeth>  people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

#217287 +(1595)- [X]

Holy Man: Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus
THe Monkey: Are they gonna call it 'Mass Transit'?
Holy Man: smartass

#303362 +(1555)- [X]

<Steve> Even "The Magic 8 Ball" is smart, and knows Microsoft Sucks. It says "Outlook Not Good."

#945387 +(1501)- [X]

<IncoherentMoron> choose an integer between 1 and 35
<Elliotw2> F
<IncoherentMoron> base 10, smartass

#47356 +(1457)- [X]

<BradJ*hnson> OMG, I lost my mouse!
<Dilly4> Your cursor, or your entire mouse?
<BradJ*hnson> Um, both.  Isn't the cursor attached to the bottom of the mouse?
<Dilly4> What?  Do you run your mouse around on the screen?
<BradJ*hnson> No, on the mouse pad...oh, I see.  The cursor is the arrow, right?
<Dilly4> New to computers, eh?
<BradJ*hnson> You wouldn't believe it, but I'm actually really good with computers
Dilly4 doesn't believe it.
<BradJ*hnson> How did you do that?  I got my mouse back!
<Dilly4> it typed "/me doesn't believe it"
<BradJ*hnson> "/me wants to make money with computers"
Dilly4 suggests that the best way for you to make money is to sell yours.
<BradJ*hnson> Fucker.
GanGreen thinks he'll submit this lameness to Bash.
Dilly4 nods in agreement.
<BradJ*hnson> "/me wonders if this is working right on your end.  What is Bash?"
<Dilly4> GanG, make sure you blank out his name so his family (and future customers) don't see what a lamer he is.
<GanGreen> NP.  How about if I make it "BradJ*hnson"?
Dilly4 laughs his head off.
<BradJ*hnson> "/me goes "Just so long as no one recognizes it...I DO sounds kinda stupid.  I'm smrat tho"
Dilly4 can't control his fits of laughter
<BradJ*hnson> smart.  you all suck hard.

#601180 +(1308)- [X]

<Heavy_Clown> Funny how IRC is mostly populated by elitist, ignorant pre-pubescent teenagers who can't even construct an intelligent insult. |:
<Vick> heavy....its funny how your probably 32 or something and have nothing better to do than try to out smart teenagers on irc

#450963 +(1258)- [X]

Ayreon: Vex, do you have a scar on your penis?
vexingthoughts: no
Ayreon: But you're a jew :confused:
vexingthoughts: it's not a scar
Ayreon: What's it then?
vexingthoughts: well not how one would traditionally think of a scar
vexingthoughts: just looks like skin
vexingthoughts: that's all
vexingthoughts: little more red but that's it
Ayreon: So it's still a scar :-
vexingthoughts: maybe
vexingthoughts: i dont know
Ayreon: How could you let them do that to the little guy?
vexingthoughts: i dont know maybe because i was like 8 days old
vexingthoughts: literally
Ayreon: You were a man when you were born right?
vexingthoughts: i had to be
vexingthoughts: default gender is woman
Ayreon: How could you let them do that to the little guy?]
vexingthoughts: I WAS 8 DAYS OLD
vexingthoughts: I COULDN'T EVEN BABBLE
Ayreon: You were still a guy!
vexingthoughts: I HAD A SOFT SKULL
vexingthoughts: the only way i could have been less capable of stopping the circumcision would have been for me to still have been in the womb
Ayreon: You could have strung them up with your umthingy cord.
vexingthoughts: yes that's right
vexingthoughts: my umbilical cord
Ayreon: That one.
vexingthoughts: how could i have been so stupid
vexingthoughts: oh yeah that's right i was just 1 week old
Ayreon: And now you've got the scar to prove it.
vexingthoughts: there are chimpanzees who are smarter than i was at 8 days old
Ayreon: There are chimpanzees who are smarter than you are now, your point is?
vexingthoughts: my point is that in a minute i'm gonna have evidence that i chopped off your dutchy head
Ayreon: Hey now, you're the one with the chopped head.
vexingthoughts: DIE!!!!
Ayreon: Whoa, when they cut your penis, did they put in ovaries in exchange?

#88661 +(1171)- [X]

<jamz> hmm
<jamz> I have a bottle of waterless hand cleaner
<jamz> for car work and grease and stuff.
<jamz> It's almost empty.
<jamz> So, in order to stretch it out, I added some water to it.
<jamz> In retrospect, not the smartest thing to do.
<dan0_> this had better end with an explosion of some kind
<jamz> and there was a huge explosion that could be seen from space.

#6849 +(1095)- [X]

<cmw> ok how about this one
<cmw> Dear Natalie,
<cmw> How's it going studying at Harvard? I bet it's hard. I am sorry my sweet but sometimes life is hard. I love you. You are so beautiful and smart my darling. God made you so perfect. Will you marry me? We could be so happy together, forever. We have so much in common, you are in Star Wars and I like Star Wars. Can't you see we were made for each other.
<cmw> Yours Always,
<cmw> Cody Crenshaw
<ShadowFang11> yea, thats good

#136514 +(1079)- [X]

<fry> i remember the first time i had a boner i thought it was cacner or something
<fry> because i used to be smart and shit and i learned in class that tumers were "uncontrolled growths"
<Raven> Then you found the internet. And now you can't even spell cancer. Or tumors.
<fry> ...
<fry> :(

#45690 +(1044)- [X]

*** Joins: Vicious (WayfaringG@ffchat-36391f10.dial-access.att.net)
<Vicious> -_- alright, what smart ass banned me?
<Chubbzilla> uh gk
<Chubbzilla> did you try to get on using java?
<Vicious> well first my MIRC wouldn't work
<Vicious> then I tried that
<Chubbzilla> ah well
<Chubbzilla> i banned java att.net a few days ago
<Vicious> oohhhh
<Vicious> ok
<Vicious> that's cool then~
* Chubbzilla wasn't banning der gk, just java lamers
* Vicious huggle
* Chubbzilla huggle + luffluff
<Prometheus> .msg chubbzilla heh, she totally doesn't realize that no one likes her
<Prometheus> er
<Prometheus> whoops

#11353 +(1030)- [X]

<guyen> holy shit i'm not going to be home this weekend, i have an online exam i have to take, but i'll be in LA
<guyen> there's a wedding going on so i won't be able to exactly just do it at my relative's house
<guyen> i'm looking for cybercafes and crap, the only thing i can find is some place called Yogi's Cyber Hut
<guyen> holy fuck i can't believe i'm depending on Yogi for my midterm grade
<xan> at least he's smarter than the average bear

#9291 +(1027)- [X]

<jre> I wouldn't eat dolphin.  I refuse to eat anything smarter than me.  Which is why I abstain from broccoli.
<AmbushBug> I would love to only eat things smarter than me.
<AmbushBug> ...
<AmbushBug> I assume the silence is all of you standing agape at the opening i left for all of you.
<jre> Ambush:  It's too predictible.  We want originality in our comedy.

#70562 +(797)- [X]

<CaffieneHead>  We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart.

#447663 +(732)- [X]

<WarrioR> The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.

#1462 +(732)- [X]

<PwRPufF> im a smart blond :)
<nexxai> YAY FOR DUMB BLONDES#@$@!$! ---- I mean....ummm --- YAY FOR SMART BLONDES *mutter* lol, no such thing
<PwRPufF> :/
<PwRPufF> shut up
<PwRPufF> hey soon im gonna have artifical intelegance
<PwRPufF> hehe
<nexxai> dyed hair?

#3874 +(677)- [X]

<Hostile> And now that i think of it, the west coast should be all renamed to the wastelands
<Scofco> It should be renamed to the east coast
<Scofco> then we would have 2 east coasts
<Scofco> it would rid gang violence
<Scofco> end the east coast / west coast struggle
<Scofco> with a simple name change
<Hostile> AGREED

#1574 +(674)- [X]

<jessafk> ;) your just too smart for me
<tress> you're grammar astounds me

#446388 +(638)- [X]

(+teh|irc) infact the smartest thing that came out of her mouth was my dick

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