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#798 +(1967)- [X]

<|P0SiX|> you version'd me because?
<Valin> Because I wanted to see if you are one of those damn Microsoft OS users. You are, and you shouldn't have any nick that has anything to do with the better OSes (the free, unix-like OSes) because anything affiliated with those OSes are too good for the likes of you to soil
<|P0SiX|> [Valin VERSION reply]: mIRC32 v5.41

#1092 +(865)- [X]

<BlackDeth> Now playing: with myself

#1766 +(240)- [X]

<BlackDeth> and why does my calculator smell like weed? :)
<EtherMan> BlackDeth: that explains it: your calculator is obviously high

#2993 +(150)- [X]

<michael-> Of the city's 11,500 firefighters, 2.7 percent are black and 3.2 percent Hispanic
<michael-> reeediculous
<maff> that's because their darker skin color attracts the heat

#3800 +(340)- [X]

<JibberJim> what should happen to your webpages if you drop dead?
<Jumper> is this a trick question ?

#4218 +(537)- [X]

(CamelToe) did I ever tell you I have a CAT-5 outlet in my downstairs bathroom, so I can chat while I poo
(Q`) A friend of mine has a "pleestation"
(Q`) "plee" meaning bathroom
(Q`) It's a pc with fast internet connection, games etc... right in front of the toilet
(Q`) :-P
(CamelToe) so I guess if you're playing a game such as Undying, you can really scare the shit out of yourself
(Q`) Hahaha

#8217 +(1818)- [X]

<noskill> I was banned from my junior highs network for having every printer in the school print 5000 pages of "FEED ME PAPER!" simultaneously

#8256 +(291)- [X]

<BounceWithMe> Shagman... 8==o  suck it.
<@shagman> BounceWithMe... ())========D choke on it.

#8385 +(372)- [X]

<MiakaYuki> Chillicha- you'd be better off finding a nice girl to ride, wouldn't you?
<chillicha> i am a girl
<MiakaYuki> Exactly.

#9099 +(51)- [X]

<UTF-Xanieth> damnit
<UTF-Xanieth> im gonna have to lube up this space bar
<UTF-Low_on_Life> :o
<UTF-Xanieth> EmptyStare, you got some of that astrolube your bro uses?

#14304 +(460)- [X]

ElectromagneticPhantom> there's like this monster, stooping over a dead body, it looks up at the camera, and as it moves, the heavy skin shifts and folds over itself in places and IT LOOKS FRELLING *REAL*
Lyme> Okay, PHant, I read that sentence, and thought you were talking about dick.
ElectromagneticPhantom> yeah
Lyme> I reread it like, 3 times, and I still think you're talking about dick.
Lyme> Are you talking about dick?
ElectromagneticPhantom> but this monster has no eyes, I think. and four legs
ElectromagneticPhantom> and claws and stuf
Lyme> Four-legged dickmonster
ElectromagneticPhantom> and nasty teeth
ElectromagneticPhantom> and it eats people
CommandantCleavage> four-legged dick monster? You mean men?
Lyme> four-legged clawed cannibalistic dickmonster
ElectromagneticPhantom> it is NOT a dickmonster!
Lyme> It only eats other dick.
ElectromagneticPhantom> STOP IIIIIIIT

#17274 +(44)- [X]

<ceejamon> fapping is pretty much what everybody using this program for, if that answeres your Q.
<Kendrak> omg
<Kendrak> they might as well rename Kazza to "Free p0rn!"

#26397 +(564)- [X]

<Sir_Robin> warning:  there are some inbred fucks in the USA.
<Sir_Robin> even bigger warning:  they're allowed to vote.
<Sir_Robin> worse yet:  they tend to vote for each other.

#35818 +(659)- [X]

<Sean> hehe my history teacher has an iraqi which he nicked from a tank in iraq
<Sean> which is quite cool
<eddy> just some random iraqi? :)
<Sean> ooops, an iraqi flag

#36505 +(295)- [X]

<reb> im gonna go eat some cocks
<reb> i mean foood
<reb> SHIT

#36645 +(535)- [X]

<jay\> the cock from burger king tastes better, dunno why tho :|
<jay\> coke
<jay\> ffs

#47297 +(175)- [X]

<zero> apparently the ceo was talking to some manager in the hallway at work today about "change management"
<zero> except he kept on saying "management change"
<zero> i only wish they got photos of that poor managers face

#49016 +(540)- [X]

<armyopsfufu> shoplifting is a victimless crime, like PUNCHING SOMEONE IN THE DARK
<DrivingZucchini> or jacking off into a birdbath

#50217 +(52)- [X]

<VerbalKint> my cousin lives in san francisco
<Rivorus> are you gay too?

#50554 +(233)- [X]

<Satori> I read this book once, yeh, about this guy named claude who hooked up with this young gal who got pregnant and it wasn't his kid, but she said it was the result of getting raped by a supernaural being so he was cool with it so he packed the old girl up and headed off to pay taxes on her ass so's she'd be legal like... but shit happened and she wound up birthing the brat in some shit-filled barn so the shepherd brought in myrhh and frankincense

#52671 +(937)- [X]

<Helix> fuck
<Helix> my back right tire is flat
<Helix> this is lame
<Owashawa> change it and put the spare on
<Owashawa> problem solved
<Helix> then i have to change it
<Helix> and its cold
<Helix> and wet and shit
<irn> You fucking girl
<irn> get out there
<irn> What if your wife's water broke and you had to take her to hospital, eh?
<Helix> it'd make it
<Helix> besides, that's what ambulances are for
<irn> what if your vehicle IS the ambulance?
<Helix> ill know a thing or two about assiting birth
<Helix> besides, im gay and exempt from your question
<irn> What if your boyfriend got stuck in an inflatable suit during a balloon fetish romp?
<Helix> id masterbate until i passed out

#54313 +(208)- [X]

<ChafedNut> I just downloaded the internet
<ChafedNut> it's pretty fly
<Batt0usai> Chafednut: can you burn it on a cd for me please
<ChafedNut> I will try...it may have some copyright protections
<Batt0usai> if you could fit it in a floppy it would be better actually
<Batt0usai> try zipping it
<ChafedNut> ok

#54760 +(463)- [X]

<DarkLich> DarkLich had his first homosexual encounter =(
<DarkLich> It was horrid. I'm not 100% straight.
<DarkLich> NOW
<DarkLich> NOW. I said NOW 100% straight.

#58619 +(332)- [X]

<Bal> saw lotr2
<biff|JK2> u like Bal?
<Bal> when legolas calls out to gimli at the begining, i was expecting him to say 'come on silent bob'
<Lun> LOL

#60124 +(225)- [X]

<froggie> short lines are bad, mmmkay? please add to your short lines, to make them long. like this, y'see? long lines, good. short lines bad. pretty simple. I'm goint to beat you, acidblood. I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE BEACHES!
<froggie> actually, I'll play volleyball with you on the beaches
<froggie> I'll fight you online on IRC and DoD maybe one day. but either way, I'll fight you in a verbose and extended mannor so that I may be one step closer to that almighty long winning line! haha! madman? ME? of course, thankyou.
<acidblood>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Does this count as a long line?
<froggie> no.

#62123 +(355)- [X]

<Jim> what the fuck
<Jim> where did this porn get on my computer fro---
<Jim> oooh

#75249 +(684)- [X]

<CyberMind> ive been programming and using computers since my old days in the womb.
<CyberMind> umbilical ethernet
<SR71Goku> how fast do you get on it?
<SR71Goku> I'd imagine at least 1gigabit/s
<CyberMind> actually quite slow.
<CyberMind> network was flooded with protein and nutrient packets.
<SR71Goku> LOL...
<SR71Goku> "Daddy once DoSed my connection..."
<CyberMind> ok im ending it right there.

#75769 +(298)- [X]

<Allio> i was pulling out my rca cable from my tv
<Allio> and i accidentally whipped myself in the nuts

#75941 +(322)- [X]

Shark: there was one kinda funny bit in unreal2
Shark: i was waiting around in this defence bit.. and i was pickin my nose
Shark: and suddenly one of my guys yells BOGIES!! BOGIES!!!
Shark: i was like haha omg? ..oh he means incomming enemy :|

#81759 +(170)- [X]

-usagi- attacking asians doesn't bother me tubby
-Seethroc- Calling me tubby doesn't bother me either, Mr. Drives-girls-to-being-dykes.
-usagi- At least I can get girls in my area code
-Seethroc- Yeah, at least you have that. Cling to it like a motherfucker.
-usagi- Oh, I will.

#99486 +(684)- [X]

<Tink> work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively

#109855 +(16)- [X]

<Shads> fuk owning a honda
<Shads> thats the same as addmitting u have a small penis
<Shads> :/

#128498 +(498)- [X]

<Crono> Meh, I don't have a pound key...
<Crono> Where the hell is my character map...
<gabriel> Ģick me.
<gabriel> Alt 0163
<gabriel> Charmap is under "System Tools" in 98
<gabriel> in 3.1, I think it's in accessories
<Crono> WinME
<gabriel> Oh, don't click it, your computer will explode.

#137523 +(288)- [X]

<@ryan> theres acpi crap in my kernel
<@jon^c> eat more fiber

#137553 +(319)- [X]

<Atob> The internet's like the Bible but with pictures.
<Atob> And those pictures are of naked ladies.

#139462 +(751)- [X]

<Taiken> I had this dream once...
<Taiken> Where my penis grew teeth and attacked me.
<woosh> dude
<woosh> Your penis is cool.
<woosh> I want Taiken's penis
<Kyle> ..
<woosh> That sounded so wrong.
<Kyle> Yeah.

#152037 +(3461)- [X]

<dm> I discovered that you'd never get an answer to a problem from Linux Gurus by asking. You have to troll in order for someone to help you with a Linux problem.
<dm> For example, I didn't know how to find files by contents and the man pages were way too confusing. What did I do? I knew from experience that if I just asked, I'd be told to read the man pages even though it was too hard for me.
<dm> Instead, I did what works. Trolling. By stating that Linux sucked because it was so hard to find a file compared to Windows, I got every self-described Linux Guru around the world coming to my aid. They gave me examples after examples of different ways to do it. All this in order to prove to everyone that Linux was better.
* ion has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<dm> brings a tear to my eye... :') so true..
<dm> So if you're starting out Linux, I advise you to use the same method as I did to get help. Start the sentence with "Linux is gay because it can't do XXX like Windows can". You will have PhDs running to tell you how to solve your problems.
<dm> this person must be a kindred spirit of mine

#164573 +(947)- [X]

<Angst> I don't see why you can't just get a paintball mask, dress up in green, and grab a shotgun
<Angst> plenty of demons to blast the 31st
<oobey> there's something funny about the idea of going around as stealthy as possible with a paintball gun on Halloween playing real life doom against 5 year olds
<oobey> now now
<oobey> kids dont respawn in real life
<Angst> yeah they do
<Angst> it just takes 9+ months

#240059 +(279)- [X]

<Doh_> programming is the act of creating a computer program
<Doh_> not of copying and pasting other peoples code
<Doh_> not to mention on the grand scheme of things, youre program is about as complex as the little clicky thing on the end of some pens

#353175 +(837)- [X]

<mgr> I was under the impression that the program was fully functional?  I am not correct?
<kitchen> Depends on what you think 'fully functional' means
<kitchen>The Rebels believed the DeathStar to not be 'fully operational' and look what that got Alderan.

#392195 +(845)- [X]

<@graspee_leemoor> brazil v italy women's volleyball is about to start
<@graspee_leemoor> you'll get no sense out of me
* Snaar hands graspee some tissues
< Bucket_Mouse> who you cheering for
<%Snaar> the girls
< Bucket_Mouse> which girls?
<%Snaar> you know
<%Snaar> two legs
<%Snaar> two arms
<%Snaar> various holes
<%Snaar> THE GIRLS
< Bucket_Mouse> ITALY GIRLS OR BRAZIL GIRLS
<%Snaar> why are you being racist :-
<%Snaar> they are both fine girls
< Bucket_Mouse> oh, i thought you were playing favorites
<%Snaar> the point of female sports is just to enjoy the show

#441100 +(731)- [X]

<Kurisu> what would happen if a serial killer went around choping mens penises off and sewing them to his head so that he had several phaluses protruding from his forhead and temples
<RDreamer> he would have to wear a special type of hat.

#483316 +(498)- [X]

<Zeta7> man
<Zeta7> dont give me that guns are bad shit
<Zeta7> I have numerous guns and I dont remember the last time a life was taken with any of them
<[sq]> guns
<[sq]> hehe
<[sq]> you know i have blackouts like that too

#538930 +(682)- [X]

<bda> Wow. Five SMS and already I'm wishing I had the fingers of a 15 year old Japanese girl.
* bda pauses.
<bda> Hmmm.
<SketchCow> I do too
<SketchCow> Wrapped around something

#623457 +(2158)- [X]

<predation> so I'm at work and this kid rings the bell on the counter RIGHT behind me
<predation> the kid goes "SORRY" when I turn around
<predation> kid's mom goes "sorry isn't an excuse when you do something stupid on purpose"
<predation> i'm putting it on a t-shirt

#658871 +(550)- [X]

<H0ley> Its like if you want to get a mate now a days, one has to get a myspace.
<H0ley> What ever happened to getting to know people and dates and crap.
<H0ley> Screw this profile crap.
<H0ley> Everyone is trying to profile each other.
<H0ley> Freaking meat-markets.
<L4m3r> Dogs leave piles of crap for each other. We have Myspace.

#699258 +(781)- [X]

<caddoo> why do you need condoms sent to you discreetly, you can get them in toilets, schools, chemists and they are all pretty discrete.
<EvilDr.X> I dunno, man. I had a friend who used a condom he found in a toilet, he got a really bad infection.

#757657 +(976)- [X]

<recursive>  If being an idiot was illegal, it would probably be easier to keep the criminals outside the jails and use them as fortresses.

#856014 +(3180)- [X]

<taurnil> Something freakin hilarious happened in my chemistry class today
<taurnil> i was asking my teacher about the origins of the element "europium"
<taurnil> i said "So, where does eouropium come from?"
<taurnil> my teacher gives me the most confused look ever, and then slowly says "i don't have any opium"

#881393 +(2435)- [X]

<jax> I think the thing I've been most ashamed of doing with my penis
<jax> was trying to see if I could register it as a fingerprint on my laptops fingerprint scanner
<jax> JUST so I could login with a penis print
<jax> it didn't work :(

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