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#1389 +(212)- [X]

(fishead) "I fucked your girlfriend and all I got was this lousy t-shirt... and crabs"
(TwinX) " I got a handjob from Cunty McChicken and then he made me BUY this fuckin t-shirt."

#2394 +(454)- [X]

<McMoo> but then last year the sermon like a week before christmas was like 'CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT PRESENTS - OUR ONE TRUE PRESENT IS JESUS CHRIST!!!'
<McMoo> my dad didn't even get my mom anything
<McMoo> she was pissed.

#2652 +(327)- [X]

<+Cypherus> what is a splash-screen?
<Nagaika> when your screen falls into the bathtub

#2789 +(625)- [X]

<brucet> i pay for my internet access - i pay you to HELP me .. so someone better start to tell me how to do it or i'm going to complain about you to my ISP
<brucet> HAHA - you wont call me a lamer when u get sacked by the ISP - i have just wrote an e-mail to them now explaining that you wont help!!

#3402 +(807)- [X]

<|sco|t> doesn anyone in here know a good amount of php
<Jumper> |sco|t, the #php guys do ;)
<JibberJim> |sco|t go to #php
<[ric]> and #women is full of women, go figure
<JibberJim> and #teens is full of 40 year old men.

#4355 +(445)- [X]

<Semi> What are you talking about?
<Rico> Fuck if I know. Your mother, probably.

#5985 +(33)- [X]

<Foggi> french are good for 2 things
<Foggi> art
<Foggi> and surrendering

#7327 +(371)- [X]

<ILLSKILLZ00> what would having a computer in my pool acomplish?
<sKratch zEro> potential death to people swimming in it

#8799 +(15)- [X]

<Adrxelna> Besides, I can't go directly to sleep after playing a game. My heart beat goes WAY up when playing AO or AC or DAoC or EQ

#10488 +(218)- [X]

BeHeMoTh101 : but he told my dad that the whores who worked for him were the most honest people he ever knew
TX Luder : interesting
TX Luder : i would think it would be quite hard to not be honest after youve had a dick in you ass
TX Luder : thats when ya realize life needs to be taken seriously

#10892 +(475)- [X]

<Random> "You're so sweet, and intelligent. What's your name?" "Jeremy." "Isn't that male?" "Yes." "AAAAH STAB STAB STAB STAB NEVER STOP STABBING I HATE YOU KILL YOU KILL MOMMY KILL KILL." <--- Online lesbians are fun.

#11606 +(732)- [X]

<DeathRay> My car can fly thanks to the power of lies!

#14355 +(369)- [X]

<Shelstra> :((
<Shelstra> my poor fishie
<|KazzA|> :o what happened
<Shelstra> nothing but...
<Shelstra> one of his eyes is black
<Shelstra> i think he might be blind :(
<|KazzA|> aww
<Shelstra> we only just noticed it
<Mousey> like it cares anyway
<Mousey> theres not much to see
<staticx> every three seconds it will say 'holyfuck, i can only see out of one eye...'

#15071 +(298)- [X]

<cardinal> huh, a friend of mine pissed in his girlfriend's typewriter
<cardinal> under similar circumstances
<alayna> :blink:
<cardinal> drunk, needing to pee, didn't want to turn on the light, found
<cardinal> the "bathroom" door, found the "toilet", opened the lid,
<cardinal> pissed, couldn't find the flusher, went back to bed
<cardinal> discovered the next morning he'd opened the wrong door, and
<cardinal> found the typewriter, not the toilet, which explains the lack
<cardinal> of flush lever
<Deke> and the *ding* when he finished
<cardinal> all I could say when he told me the story was "Good thing it
<cardinal> wasn't a Selectric"

#34748 +(205)- [X]

<Watermelon> so many fruits...kiwi, peaches, banana
<Watermelon> and me!
<Watermelon> bwhahaha
<Kiwi> ...
<Watermelon> we almost have a salad

#38484 +(331)- [X]

<AAA> i cannot lose an argument tonite
<AAA> i just won 3 games of chess in a row
<AAA> 3 *INTENSE* games of chess
<Whoregasm> 3 lonely games of chess played with a bottle of ketchup

#39756 +(9)- [X]

<Apoc-chan> What the hell. I bail from one split server only to get stuck on another.
<Apoc-chan> >.< Today is not my day
* Disconnected

#42266 +(234)- [X]

<Hardlined> badtz just the man I wanted to see
<Badtz> I didn't do it

#45925 +(225)- [X]

<StuGhattz> have you ever had a shit take so much out of you that you needed to lie down after?
<flawed> no, but tell me more.. i'm getting turned on
<Linkadmin> StuGhattz: I had a nosebleed on the shitter once
<Linkadmin> from pushing so hard

#47595 +(285)- [X]

<Kyou|awaying> omfg i almost had a heart attack
<Kyou|awaying> I FUCKING HATE STUPID ADS WITH SOUND >_<
<HKR|Paper> LOL
<HKR|Paper> Especially if it's a pr0n add, and your speakers are cranked and your parents are in the room next door
<Kyou|awaying> my speakers are always cranked =
<HKR|Paper> They suddenly hear "AH AH AH!"
<HKR|Paper> "WTF IS THAT?!" they yell
<HKR|Paper> Uh...my brothers rap cd's.

#48398 +(108)- [X]

<Ljung> does IRC take scripts?
<Ljung> <SCRIPT language="JavaScript">
<Ljung> damn

#49542 +(163)- [X]

<Jagged> -t is like giving a bunch of small children loaded handguns and telling each of them that the other ones all stole his christmas pressies

#49758 +(310)- [X]

<Cozma> if i had breasts i'd sit around and feel them all day
<Cozma> oh wait
* Cozma bbl.

#50088 +(977)- [X]

<Lana`> OOO talk tech to me baby OOooO
<timmo> Lana, im slowly mounting your drive...
<sl0th> unmount /dev/nullpants mount /dev/null/lana`
<Lana`> stop i am actually getting turned on!
<timmo> im unzipping your corset.zip
<mike> you guys make me feel good about myself

#52390 +(516)- [X]

<Alf-Life> Has anyone here ever been to Tokyo/Kyoto/Japan?
<MechaMrEd> I think if you went to the first two the third one comes free.

#58970 +(459)- [X]

<Mich> do you call a drinking fountain thing a water fountain or a bubbler?
<Mystiq> who the fuck would call it a bubbler
<Mich> it must be a regional thing
<Mich> everyone here says bubbler
<Mystiq> yeah well your state voted bush

#61470 +(668)- [X]

<P1E> greetings, IRCMonkey
<IRCMonkey> Hi, I'm just wandering here, irc 1st timer!
<P1E> there's first time for everything I guess
<P1E> =]
<IRCMonkey> :-))
<IRCMonkey> Good bye! See you!
<-- IRCMonkey has quit (Client Quit)
<P1E> wow, that was, er, short
<CharlieG> the first time usually is

#76938 +(713)- [X]

<Anatole> Drug money supports terrorism. Oil money supports terrorism. Tax money supports terrorism.
<Anatole> I just cut out the middlemen and write a check each week for ten dollars, made out to "TERRORISM."
<Ein> sweet
<Ein> where do I mail my check?
<Anatole> Wherever. The terrorists will find it.

#80429 +(624)- [X]

<monkeylice> i would get laid this weekend but my cargo van is in the shop and im out of chloroform

#97996 +(311)- [X]

<Icedude> you know what pisses me off? when morpheus was jumping for the helicopter in the matrix, agent smith uses a wallhack! THIS IS NOT CS, ITS THE MATRIX! GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT AGENT!

#100194 +(1208)- [X]

<SaxxonPike> there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't give a fuck
<jon`> whats binary?
<SaxxonPike> and then there's you.

#102351 +(1019)- [X]

<Gnell|CHAMPION> OMG A DONKEY JUST WENT BY OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
<Gnell|CHAMPION> i wanna ride it
* Gnell|CHAMPION is away

#105324 +(193)- [X]

<Chaz> What kind of backwards society do you live in?
<Renzian> It's called Canada.

#108711 +(877)- [X]

+(norad) if you rearrange the letters in mother in law, you get woman hitler :/

#128423 +(361)- [X]

[quit:#] moodlet (Connection reset by peer)
<moodlet> thou shalt not unplug the hub to plug in one's hairdryer

#138435 +(359)- [X]

<nonzero> do you have a vagina?
<cisco_gal> yes :p
<nonzero> sweet

#215239 +(191)- [X]

<Loki> A mammal that lays eggs, is the ultimate breakfast dish.

#225840 +(597)- [X]

(SuperMarine): i swear to go
(SuperMarine): d
(SuperMarine): if that dog next door dosnt shut up
(SuperMarine): im going to do something bad
(AfroTrance): like complain over irc

#230424 +(1162)- [X]

<Gerard> Damn bitch fuck damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang

#265532 +(6642)- [X]

<Sabdo> on one of those speech-to-text programs my friend ripped ass onto the mic.
<Sabdo> and it typed out "France"
<Sabdo> we were like, wtf?

#393451 +(420)- [X]

* elisteran subscribes seriumu to spamlists
<elisteran> would you rather get nigerian 419 scams, or hawt lesbian pr0n ?
<Pavel> elisteran: As if the two were mutually exclusive.
<elisteran> Dear Mr. Smith, my name is Motoba Kwambe, and I am legal counsel representing the family of the late Prime Minister of Nigeria, Bouncy Bubbles. Her nude coed widow has the opportunity to retrieve $15 million stashed away in a bank account, but needs a US citizen to ...
<Pavel> elisteran: That works.

#483072 +(1374)- [X]

SuperCoW : i once questioned a turtle about advanced trigonometry
SuperCoW : but after a while i found out it was only a rock
eightyapes : idiot
SuperCoW : fuck u... it was all mossy n stuff so it looked like a turtle
eightyapes : i dont think u get my point

#484887 +(691)- [X]

<Sorak> is the server still down?
<Sklar> fraid so
<Sorak> omg i fucking hate blizzard
<Sklar> i know i should be angy too, but this is the only time when i can get other stuff done
<Sklar> for example
<Sklar> did u know that uni started?
<Sklar> i didnt :(
<Sklar> gotta re-enrol

#512010 +(489)- [X]

<AnViL> gah... i still can't find a prom date...
<AnViL> then again, it might help if i actually talked to the women
<AnViL> instead of drooling and staring at them from afar

#560745 +(59)- [X]

<shaine> Siege: kansas' best song is dust in the wind. listen to it
<Siege> k ill download it
<Siege> Haha i accidentally typed in "dst in the wind" in the search box
<Siege>  and child pron came up.
<shaine> you must have turned on 'my favorites' or something.

#578314 +(637)- [X]

<Rhett> yes yes, but that's bringing hyperbole into an argument that, while silly, remains grounded in fact
<moros|sreep> I'm not quite sure what hyperbole is, come to think of it..
<Rhett> it's where the ADD children have their football championship

#721016 +(487)- [X]

<Mewrr> reminds me back when I was writing reviews of soccer matches on the web
<Mewrr> and going through access logs, I saw that some reviews were orders of magnitude more popular
<Mewrr> eventually it occurred to me that Switzerland has a Pro Soccer team named "Young Boys"
<Mewrr> turns out they have many followers worldwide
<dmacks> I bet
<Mewrr> to make things even funnier, the Young Boys play in a stadium called "Wankdorf"

#773988 +(740)- [X]

sup lyndz: "That's what you tell your parents if they catch you masturbating. I WASN'T MASTURBATING. I WAS CLEANING IT AND IT WENT OFF."

#809280 +(2009)- [X]

Casey: Yeah, writing paper.
Josh: want to be distracted?
Josh: want to play a game?
Casey: Dude...the paper...
Josh: *scizzors beats paper *
Josh: yes I know I misspelled it
Josh: and that
Casey: *pulls out rock*
Josh: *VOLCANO!
Josh: nothing beats volcano
Casey: ASTEROID.
Josh: MAGIC!!!
Casey: BLACK HOLE!
Josh: WHITE HOLE!
Casey: PATRIOT ACT!
Josh: not white house you phail
Casey: No, no, no. *Nothing* beats the Patriot Act, although I'm sure the ACLU is working very hard on it.
Josh: fine
Josh: ANARCHY
Casey: TOTALITARIAN STATE
Josh: EMMANUEL GOLDSTEIN
Casey: STALIN
Josh: DEATH
Casey: RELIGION
Josh: RATIONAL THOUGHT
Casey: FUNDIES
Josh: NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES
Casey: PEOPLE WITNESSING AT YOUR HOUSE
Josh: SHOTGUN
Casey: BOMBS
Josh: PATRIOT ACT

#901201 +(3138)- [X]

<DrBob> You'll never get it. Men weren't meant to understand women.
<Odin> not true.
<Odin> I've managed to solve for the fundamental logic operation of women.
<DrBob> It's just best to let them do what they want, so they'll let us do stuff to them.
<Odin> Nono let me explain.
<Odin> Women are fundamentally amplifiers.
<Odin> Anything you give them expect to get back multiplied
<Odin> give them money you don't have in the form of a credit card, expect a huge debt
<Odin> give them a little love, and they'll give you a lot of love back
<Odin> give them a little DNA in the bedroom
<Odin> and they give you a baby
<Odin> So if you give them crap, you'd better be ready to recieve a ton of shit

0.0313 20982 quotes approved; 5387 quotes pending
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