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#94 +(1194)- [X]

<iMike-> call tech support and be like yeah my friend stole windows 2000 from officemax and he burned it for me
<iMike-> and it's not working properly

#261 +(1546)- [X]

<EFX>I hate it when the cats stare at me when I go into the livingroom to jackoff to pornos :(

#917 +(814)- [X]

e l i t e m r p: afk, working on my invention
n e r d b 5: invention.....uhm, whats it do?
e l i t e m r p: converts piss into drinking water
e l i t e m r p: so far, still tastes yucky

#974 +(250)- [X]

<Guilty> $30 - PC133 128MB
<Guilty> $31 - PC100 128MB
<Guilty> What a world when PC133 is cheaper than PC100
<D1-> where?
<D1-> nigga where?
<Guilty> Pricewatch
<D1-> oh
<D1-> thats white trash generic ram

#2602 +(37)- [X]

<shagie> srt.. he would sit at his table, scratching his scalp and make a HUGE PILE of dandruff and PLAY with it all SRT

#4015 +(648)- [X]

<aeflux> I swear 85% of the CS community failed remedial english in 3rd grade
<Gunny> 85% of the CS community hasn't made it to the 3rd grade

#5510 +(361)- [X]

<zaril> my x-gf left me sex-deprived, not my fault. :P
<Toen> yeah right.
<Toen> "she let me see her bra once"
<Toen> "...one of the ones in her dresser anyway"
<Toen> "it was unhooked! eheh! heh!"

#7553 +(137)- [X]

[Bayls] Gimp - that's right. I mean you know my name. Big woo. Either you're off adam, or your girlfriend talks in her sleep. Either way. Snoozes from me.

#7661 +(234)- [X]

<Paran0id> Sectus: my A key is broken...

#7984 +(21)- [X]

<@primig> why is duct tape like the force
<@primig> it has a dark and a light side
<@primig> and it holdes the universe together

#8354 +(153)- [X]

<Neris|triggermehappy> Well, if you count the number of times ive been cyber-uNFed , half the population of ffo would be in jail =P
<Locke> Telling you to fuck off doesn't count as uNFing.

#8762 +(88)- [X]

<Afterglow> tom what's the wallop command for mirc? you know?
<relapse> slash onotice i am gay

#10010 +(223)- [X]

* Shi-chan beats Tino down
<Shi-chan> DIE
<Tino> haha
* Shi-chan takes out a spoonn
<ilifin> there is no spoon

#12797 +(108)- [X]

<NCHRIST> advice - while putting ascreen in a pipe do not stab yourself in the
          fucking finger and cut it and then flail your hand around with the
          screen still stuck in it, losing the screen

#14055 +(1850)- [X]

<foobar> the FUNNIEST tech glitch ive ever heard of happened at my workplace
<foobar> ok.. so we run an internet storage service right?  and one of our clients is a large photo site that allows people to upload pics and view them online
<foobar> well.. our software had a little bug in it .. sometimes if a file is uploaded and not cached properly by the system, the system will deliver the same file for hundreds or thousands of different files
<foobar> so what happened is someone uploaded some bestiality pictures, and those got caught in the cache, so everbody uploading their 4th of july pics got them ALL replaced by the same picture of a girl jerking off a horse
<foobar> 50,000 times

#16398 +(321)- [X]

<bix> it was like the flintstones
<mltj> but without the cars.
<mltj> or dinosaurs.
<mltj> or flintstones.
<bix> exactly.

#20541 +(1173)- [X]

<JBurna> lol you got free AOL knowin AOL sucks ass
<Demi> Its
<Demi> Free.
<@Prowler> So is gum on the bottom of chairs.

#22352 +(391)- [X]

<ignatz> If you piss off enough people, it's hard to tell the difference between a distributed denial of service attack and public opinion.

#22572 +(630)- [X]

<@Oz> just reading about the human genome project
<@Oz> what a waste of time, if only god had just released the source with the binaries

#23179 +(111)- [X]

<Monkey-wrench> when i first came to irc i tried to change my nick to @Monkey_wrench

#33315 +(210)- [X]

<jafo> one more drink and I'll be ready for gay sex

#33563 +(182)- [X]

<@UBC_Wiska> I have invented a vibrator featuring a CPU, 64 MB RAM... it is wireless and LAN capable
<@theamy> *vibrates*
<@UBC_Wiska> wtf?
* kevinb notes that UBC has invented anal vibrator for personal use
<@UBC_Wiska> it will be able to download "personalities"
<@Narcissus> Why would one want to switch personalities mid-use?
<@UBC_Wiska> for example
<@UBC_Wiska> the leo personality shuts the vibrator off :)
<@theamy> What would your personality do Wisket
<@theamy> I know what matt's would
<@kevinb> It would shrink to half the size
<@theamy> LOL
<@UBC_Wiska> the size and diameter are variable
<@UBC_Wiska> and set on personalities
<@Narcissus> That's one sophisticated vibrator:)
<@UBC_Wiska> for example, kevin's would be swollen from all the previous j/o :)
<@kevinb> It would also implement Impotent sub-routines.
<@kevinb> lol
<@Narcissus> Keep the vibrator discussion clean, Wisk:)
<@UBC_Wiska> How?

#34440 +(605)- [X]

#35378 +(206)- [X]

<ASk> ads make the baby jesus cry
<CitizenErased> PLAGIARISM
<ASk> You can't own baby jesus, he's under GPL

#37381 +(18)- [X]

<Curtis> whenever you rub it you know it feels better

#37619 +(599)- [X]

<DB> So, anyone have a secret to immortality they would like to share with me?
<Nidoking> Don't die.

#44099 +(340)- [X]

* PamelaPeaks wishes she could donate sperm for $50
<Lowbrow> You can fly down and help me donate, Pam
<Lowbrow> You can even have the $50 :|
* PamelaPeaks ponders
<Lowbrow> If you stay long enough you can earn enough to fly back

#46076 +(451)- [X]

<Skum> had a nigerian woman try and take me home, which was amusing
<Mendez> did she use the chatup line "my brother, the former economic minister recently died in suspicious circumstances but before he died..."

#49289 +(7)- [X]

[gsf]Tomato: It's only rape if you don't take them out to dinner first.

#52644 +(193)- [X]

<DeterminedLilBitch> Daishi dont talk
<Daishi> ?
<Daishi> i talk
<DeterminedLilBitch> not to me
<Daishi> i just wait till some one says my name and it flashes green
<Daishi> then i talk
<Daishi> its like sitting at a red light all day

#55328 +(278)- [X]

<Steve> http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/asiapcf/east/12/14/korea.nukes/index.html
<Jsangspar> I swear to god, CNN and the government are making everything up
<Jsangspar> and it's starting to fall apart
<Jsangspar> 'The Yongbyon nuclear facility in North Korea. Pyongyang says it will restart the nuclear reactor there '
<Jsangspar> "YONGBYON"? "PYONGYANG"? Now they're just making fun of asian people
<Steve> "Neighbor and potential threat FLIEDLICE has threatened to destroy any troops coming through their territory, be it from the western YELLOWSKIN or the east's SLANTEYEBASTIDS."
<Jsangspar> gahahah

#75828 +(307)- [X]

* Cyst slaps Aranarth.
* Cyst runs away.
* Aranarth wonders what the hell.
<Aranarth> ..
<Aranarth> missed two periods :p
<Cirith> you're probably pregnant
<Aranarth> Cyst impregnated me with a slap?
<Cirith> well, you did miss two periods
<Aranarth> No, they were just late

#101135 +(949)- [X]

<_cliCk_> any boddy here???
<shaan> no
<_cliCk_> are u sure?
<shaan> yes
<shaan> quite
<_cliCk_> i will not!!!!
<shaan> will not what
<_cliCk_> be quite

#105356 +(502)- [X]

Ericjericj: bunny is a funny word
Ericjericj: funny bunny
Ericjericj: bunnybunnybunny
Ericjericj: funnyfunnyfunnybunnybunnybunny
Ericjericj: bunnyfunnybunnyfunnybunnyfunny
PeyoteGuacomole: You got into my meth again, didn't you?

#107298 +(323)- [X]

<Xenophon> I was talking to this really cute girl, when I was on a walk with my parents. I hadn't seen her in years. After exchanging university experiences, I asked for her ph # and my dad jumped out of the woodwork and said "I'll memorize half of it for ya!"

#113133 +(207)- [X]

<PsychoDreameR> i want a good war script
<PsychoDreameR> when can i get one??
<placid> www.nato.com

#116706 +(517)- [X]

<Dracon> I saw a mormon crash his bike into a power pole
<Dracon> that was grand :D
<html> heHaHehAHehAeh :D
<Dracon> I walked past and said "Not even God saw that one coming... well done tiger!"

#136322 +(236)- [X]

<Treen> Damnit, why on earth are they making Max Payne 2 a fricking LOVE STORY?
<Mithrandir> because love is cool
<Exspes> Because everything has to have a love story in it
<Exspes> Lord of the Rings was about Sam and Frodo
<Treen> <_<
* Dr_Nick smacks Ex
<Exspes> Smoochies.
<Exspes> The Hobbit was about Bilbo and that dwarf king
<Exspes> It'd be cool to be able to jump into books
<Treen> ...

#186668 +(901)- [X]

<LexMortis> you know what would be nasty?
<LexMortis> if a pack of condoms said "tested on animals"

#192769 +(288)- [X]

<xa-mua> i think i'll go rent seabiscuit
<reboot> you leave my wife alone

#202870 +(946)- [X]

<Comrade_Zoo> If an animal rapes you, can you sue it's owner?
<Revolution_Man> I did.
<Revolution_Man> And I won.
<Revolution_Man> Take THAT, Richards Fish Mart.

#270778 +(271)- [X]

<MrMonster> just a sec, want to see if I can find this video of a guy shooting himself
<tack> that para dice kid?
<tack> the one who shot himself after his gf got on the elevator and left?
<MrMonster> it can't beat the crazy video at ogrish.com where the guy gets his throat cut
<tack> which one?
<tack> the one where he gets his throat slit from behind?
<tack> the one where he's already dead and they had to refilm it??
<MrMonster> he's quite alive
<MrMonster> and the blood is gurgling as he tries to breathe
<slh> ah yes
<slh> the internet
<slh> where else can you have a calm discussion about snuff films at 4 in the morning?

#386793 +(497)- [X]

SnatchFace: I stumbled into the bathroom this morning after being up half the night with stomach pain and grabbed the wrong tube out of the cabinet in my stupor. I brushed for a half minute with Anusol HC when it slowly seeped into my addled brain that somethign was not quite right. I have been barfing ever since. Am I dying?
Rouge: Perhaps you should change your name to Assface.
Blazert40: I'll give you 32 mins to live.
vi-edit: Going by your screenname, at least it wasn't Vagisil.

#406373 +(11539)- [X]

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

#488268 +(1688)- [X]

<khamosis> oh man... i had typed "hey! anyone awake?" in another channel about 20 minutes ago
<khamosis> and just now i saw it and typed "yes!" not realizing it was me

#638354 +(229)- [X]

<rankor> At work today i saw a guy go in to the bathroom only to come out 10 minutes later looking like he had battled with a lion.
<rankor> Now he had either had something bad for lunch or just hade one of the worlds longest "handshaking" sessions.
<ToonLord> Maybe both...

#651378 +(615)- [X]

ThPhox: Dude...there's free Cinemax, and there's porn on.
ThPhox: AAAAnd it's anal.
ThPhox: *does the field goal sign*
SNAPEK1LSDMBLDOR: He shoots, wrong goalll!!!!!!

#656898 +(958)- [X]

<Mikey> So theres this chick at work thats pretty cute
<Mikey> And she saw me outside having a smoke one time on a break
<Mikey> And she goes "You should give that up"
<Mikey> That means she cares about my wellbeing and would possibly sleep with me right?
<stevenst> No, it just means she's an opinionated bitch
<Mikey> :(

#658339 +(695)- [X]

<phazonfox> Mario Kart is socialist.
<phazonfox> People in last place get better items.

#735801 +(479)- [X]

<Rattlsnak> so my mom is looking to get a f/t job where she can work till she's retired
<Rattlsnak> she's got no formal education but she used to work in an office in front of a computer
<Rattlsnak> also... she's Japanese...
<Rattlsnak> any ideas?
<RkdJehova> massage parlor
<Rattlsnak> fuck you.
* Rattlsnak has left #allnitecafe

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