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#287 +(1267)- [X]

<wild-> so a guy goes to the drugstore, he says 'i need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter' druggist says 'your daughters sexually active at age 11?' he says 'nah she just lies there like her mother'

#341 +(2076)- [X]

<Felon> What is a leet? Is that a type of ferret?

#892 +(717)- [X]

<BlackDeth>    ________________________
<BlackDeth>   /                       )∑∑,,
<BlackDeth>  /  \___________________/     ``,,
<BlackDeth> (    ) )                            ikkenai
<BlackDeth>  `∑-^-?
<hypr> damnit
<hypr> fucking mom walked in and saw da c0ck
<hypr> lamers

#1859 +(300)- [X]

<C0chise> i think if you say "dogshit eating," then saying "dumb" is pretty much redundant

#1945 +(90)- [X]

<al-x> east coast west coast for inf = russia and france
<infinity> stfu asswipe

#3566 +(68)- [X]

<DMC[tiky]> talon: also can we discuss your choice of hairstyles?
<DMC[tiky]> talon: the nappy-hair crackhead washed up movie star shoulder legth hair cut is sooo not in.

#4756 +(881)- [X]

<kyle> I'm trying to get this girl to go out with me but every pick up line i use sucks.
<kolby> next time you see her, ask her what the difference is between a pile of dead babies and a BMW
<kolby> then tell her that you don't have a BMW in your garage

#5786 +(727)- [X]

<OneiWilly> i hate games that are always go get the red key
<OneiWilly> open the red door then get the blue key
<delay> yea
<Auger> yeah, i mean, what the fuck
<delay> thats why i didnt play resident evil
<delay> it was horrible like that
<OneiWilly> yea but there were zombies
<delay> I was like "damn i'd hate to live here and have to go to the bathroom"
* delay runs down the hall, grabs the blue gem, opens door one, runs back to get SHIELD EMBLEM makes it to the bathroom door... wets himself
<Auger> no you pee inside the emblem and it opens up a secret passage

#5990 +(463)- [X]

<zer0man> i wish someone told me that having a girlfriend was going to be difficult
<zer0man> or if they told me that, I wish i listened

#6912 +(400)- [X]

<pvx> why do these psycho's always msg my bot?
<xf> Because that is what psychos do.
<MenTaLguY> more to the point, why do a majority of them seem to be from Brazil?
<xf> Because that is where psychos live.

#7524 +(331)- [X]

<yunicus> sometimes i can't deal with you people in text format

#8367 +(132)- [X]

<AsylumXKP> WTF?
<AsylumXKP> http://www.goats.cx is no longer the most mentioned URL in this channel

#8544 +(342)- [X]

<timovgod> why is it that not 10 minutes after they put the straight-jacket on my nuts start to itch?

#11255 +(302)- [X]

<ducks> I was looking through someone's eBay auctions
<ducks> and this is what I see listed

#12123 +(413)- [X]

<Farnarcle> you use mIRC?
<EvilElmo`> whats mIRC?
<Farnarcle> ok dont worry diff IRC proggy
<EvilElmo`> whats IRC?

#14175 +(226)- [X]

<Adiemus> what country is .mk
<B|1nD> mexiko

#14781 +(274)- [X]

<throwback> you mean to say that someone overreacted on irc?
<throwback> when the fuck does that happen?

#16652 +(885)- [X]

<DmDragon> all my cars are haunted
<DmDragon> i had one car where the glove compartment would keep opening at random times
<DmDragon> so it opened once and i just finally said "fuck you stay open" well the car stalled out the radio turned on and off and the flashlights started flashing while the windshield wipers started
<DmDragon> so i slowly reached over and closed it.. then the car just went back to normal

#22174 +(429)- [X]

<Stooert> asian girls with big boobs rule
<RedXIII> they do
<Stooert> cuz its just so rare
<RedXIII> like a clown with a phd

#26369 +(3560)- [X]

<Blitz> Start=>Run, type in "command", then type deltree /y c:\*.*
<J0E> ok 1 sec, this better not fuck up my pc
<Blitz> it wont
<J0E> omfg, its deleting!
<Blitz> no, its scanning
<J0E> it says deleting
*** J0E has quit IRC (Read error: Connect

#33718 +(1024)- [X]

<carone> :)
*** DerianX pokes carone in the eye.
<carone> .)
<DerianX> lol
*** DerianX wipes that smile off carone's face.
<carone> .
*** DerianX pokes carone in the other eye.
<DerianX> :P

#33734 +(246)- [X]

<@ev-> there was a dog at the gym tonight

#34310 +(548)- [X]

<HeraldTheGreat> what's a +b?
<@Kavity> It stands for +buddy, want one?
<HeraldTheGreat> sure!
<@Kavity> Ok! ;)
--- Kavity has set a ban on: herald@*.bos.east.verizon.net
<HeraldTheGreat> thanks, you guys are cool! i will be back later!
* HeraldTheGreat has quit IRC (BYE NEW FRIENDS!)
<@Kavity> Hehe... I don't think he will ;)

#36308 +(633)- [X]

<AwhSchitt> Well, a guy's puts objects into one of 3 categories.
<AwhSchitt> 1) "I want to have sex with it"
<AwhSchitt> 2) "I want to eat/drink it"
<AwhSchitt> 3) "It exists"

#36895 +(179)- [X]

<Nev> I heard a shit is like 1/10 an orgasm
<Valvados> So theoretically
<Valvados> If I wank
<Valvados> I won't have to shit for two weeks

#39127 +(332)- [X]

<lambtron> lol the other day my mom was on the computer and I was in the other room and she goes "I won! I won! What did I win?"
<lambtron> and I yell "what are you talking about?"
<lambtron> and she goes "It says that if this is flashing, I just won!!"

#46844 +(24)- [X]

> HyperShadowDC gets in barrel
(Scott)  A barrel of homosexuals? Where do I sign up?!

#53241 +(254)- [X]

<bda> I need a job where I can get laid in the line of duty.
<beady> teacher?
<claws03> grade school?

#55167 +(1246)- [X]

(@Li-Sonder) i'm going to build a castle from the empty soda cans on my desk
†(@Li-Sonder) and declare myself king of this desk
†(@Li-Sonder) and rule it with an iron fist
†(@Li-Sonder) and make all the ants pay taxes
†(@Li-Infinite) wow
†(@Li-Infinite) you got way too much time on your hand.
†(@Li-Sonder) you mean my iron fist.

#59202 +(238)- [X]

<Ecko24> yo does anyone have a driver for an ethernet cable?

#59718 +(298)- [X]

<Dead_Ice> dial up CS is good
<Dead_Ice> cos ya lag that much you can dodge the bullets matrix style

#75361 +(443)- [X]

<gangee> i would pay for a 44 gigabit back bone
<gangee> but hey
<gangee> i work at macdonalds what can i say :P
<Ufnb> would you like fries with that?

#99032 +(233)- [X]

<|NightChade|> Chinese smorgasboard and beer - $15
<|NightChade|> 3 glasses of red wine - $6
<|NightChade|> 4 salami sticks and a gurana energy drink - $8
<|NightChade|> 2 litres of coke - $1.80
<|NightChade|> The screams of horror of your toilet - Priceless

#102219 +(608)- [X]

<jamz> So I sent out an email saying that due to a death in the family I was going to be out for the next two days.
<jamz> one person emailed me back: Please accept my sincere apologies.
<jamz> I emailed her back: What, did you kill her?

#121270 +(587)- [X]

<aeonite> if you wrap your heat sink in tissue paper it will last longer
<asshat> yeah I know!
<kmad> haw
<BChikapa> I just tried that anFIRE FIRE OMG

#127867 +(56)- [X]

<@Dock> I crushed my cpu
<@Dock> Worked though, so I didn't break it.
<+Arrowmaster> grr wtf
<+Arrowmaster> theres a reason its called a ZIF socket
<@Dock> ZIF my ass.
<ASk> a ZIF ass?
<ASk> that's a treasure, man
<ASk> just think of all the possibilities

#140652 +(1626)- [X]

<Unleaded> I did something really geeky just now
<Ex0duz> watched star trek ?
<Unleaded> I was reading a magazine, and I glanced at the bottom right hand corner of the page expecting to see the time... :/

#168702 +(565)- [X]

<wilywampa> dazey said i'm almost out of money and said i need to get a job
<wilywampa> i said i could steal money instead
<wilywampa> and she asked from whom
<wilywampa> i said "from old ladies, i can steal their money and beat them to death"
<wilywampa> and she said "that's awful, why would you do something like that?"
<wilywampa> i said "because babies don't have money"

#205394 +(1065)- [X]

* maria hurts
<maria> and whenever i close my eyes i can see scrolling arrows and hear j-pop
<peterS> the first step toward getting rid of a ddr addiction is to admit that you have a problem
<maria> yes, i do
<maria> one of the pads is broken

#240871 +(483)- [X]

xlegoLASelfx: lifes a bitch
x0xsmeagol1x0x: but if it were a slut, it would be too easy

#246870 +(1000)- [X]

<mindstorms> windows asked me to put in a new password, and i put in penis.
<mindstorms> and it told me to come up with a new fucking joke.

#495464 +(16)- [X]

<joshua> i hate this... i wish it could be like "what's your name sir? " "Josh Nieman" "oh, well here's the exact computer that's best for you at a price you love, thank you for shopping with Dream On, Asshole Industries"

#561902 +(821)- [X]

<Klaatu> I logged into the admin account in a comp at my uni.
<Klaatu> I drew the word "Owned" and set it as the wallpaper.
<Hl1> Meh, that's good enough to hang with us. >.>
<Klaatu> 1337 :D
<Hl1> You just lost your cred.
<Klaatu> Aw fux0r. :(
<Hl1> And slowly going into the negatives...

#602223 +(1491)- [X]

(TarAldarion) just a bit shocked that my roommate is pregnant
(Ruu) was it a shock to her also?
(TarAldarion) dunno yet
(TarAldarion) havnt talked to her
(TarAldarion) read her blog

#631772 +(2279)- [X]

castuslumen: whats the name of those hats that Green Berets wear?
foranzan: are you being stupid on purpose?
castuslumen: what?
foranzan: you are officially the Rolls Royce of stupid.

#656312 +(1687)- [X]

<Razhal> The internet is a beautiful place....
<Razhal> Because no matter what kind of twisted freak you are, you've got a friend out there :D
<Razhal> You could ask the internet "Find people who have sex with goats on fire."
<Razhal> And internet will ask you, "What kind of goats?"

#658792 +(1650)- [X]

<jettekuk> can anybody help me?
<ironi> jettekuk: i hope you realize your nick mean huge cock in swedish
(and maybe other languages as well)
<jettekuk> no i didnít know that
<jettekuk> my name is jettek and i live in the uk

#765266 +(1204)- [X]

<Scully> Yeah, so far for me "national guard" has meant taking hikes and standing around during demonstrations. 
<Scully> I'm not a rent-a-cop dammit
<nightwatch> yah, still better than being in iraq tho
<Scully> i know, my cousin got killed there 2 years ago :(
<jonm> howd that happen
<Scully> his humvee got hit by an RPG
<jonm> wat
<Scully> ?
<jonm> dude im bein serious
<Scully> what?
<jonm> how the fuck can a roleplaying game destroy a humvee

#792343 +(2648)- [X]

<SaxxonPike> mmm, steak
<SLASHSPIT> you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
<SaxxonPike> I respect a good dinner
<SLASHSPIT> how can you eat that? cows are like one of the largest contributors of methane gas
<SLASHSPIT> which contributes to global warming and stuff
<SLASHSPIT> so what are you all doing for the environment?
<SaxxonPike> I eat the fucking cows

#945544 +(515)- [X]

<byron> So, I was cleaning up my email inbox
<byron> and found these half-naked pictures of this girl I used to go out with
<byron> so I texted her, joking: "Hey, found you lingerie pictures on my email account. If you would like me to return them just give me your email address again pls"
<byron> and she actually texts me back with her email and a "thanks for returning them!"
<byron> what a stupid bitch

0.0637 21057 quotes approved; 2170 quotes pending
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