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#400 +(990)- [X]

<MadHatter> I cut my tongue shaving

#3320 +(2061)- [X]

<spd-dmn> lee: hows the baybee
<Virtualee> spd-dmn She's great!  Growing so fast!
<spd-dmn> aw
<spd-dmn> got any pics?
<spazzer> has she sprouted appendages yet?
<KK-> lol
<spazzer> don't babies grow like potatos?
<spd-dmn> ahaha
<spd-dmn> spazzer you're on crack, buddy
<spazzer> you mean they DON'T?
<spazzer> they come out with arms and legs?
<spazzer> shit
<spazzer> i have a whole new respect for women

#4779 +(594)- [X]

<Lucent> i'm just about fucking tired of middle schoolers named samantha e-mailing me for chemistry homework
<Lucent> without giving a picture

#6889 +(178)- [X]

<_Tenchi_> jwzrd-: are you a pole smoker too ?
<jwzrd-> _Tenchi_: why, you want your pole smoked ?

#7162 +(153)- [X]

<@Latino-Heat> when i was in school, during free periods i'd sit in the library cos i couldnt go home and i'd look up stds in encyclopedias
<@Latino-Heat> cos i had rashes everywhere

#7883 +(453)- [X]

<djrm> Q what is the penalty for exceeding your space quota?
<Alaric> death by pineapple
<djrm> ooo err

#7964 +(771)- [X]

<akii> what happens when disney goes bankrupt?
<akii> does walt get unfrozen?
<nigd> haahha
<nigd> how pissed would you be
<nigd> "IM ALIVE!"
<nigd> "yes"
<nigd> "Did you cure me?"
<nigd> "no"
<nigd> "Why unfreeze me then?"
<nigd> "You're going broke"
<nigd> "fuck."

#8423 +(187)- [X]

<SuperGayAllah> ok, who is the hairiest girl in here?
<Phuser> you are dude

#9331 +(712)- [X]

<@reflexive> does your book tell me how to get rid of a sore throat?
<mattlesko> let me look
<mattlesko> pg. 130
<mattlesko> "stop sucking cock"

#9396 +(415)- [X]

<evad> speaking of fucking sheep..
<Vod> what would you know about fucking sheep? I bet you don't even know about the making the right slits in your wellington boots to put their back legs down so they can't get away?

#9408 +(30)- [X]

<me> reeteth are thou who in the name of reetness and uber, shephards the unreet through the valley of vodness
<me> for he is truly his fggt's brother, and the finder of lost danistanis, and i will strike down upon thee with great hax0rness and furious reetness, those who attempt to get root and pwn my brothers, and you will know my name is hp, when i lay my hax0r skillz upon thee, heh

#11742 +(47)- [X]

<jewboy613> flooding chan
<jewboy613> man this flood is so bad if u stick around, noah will come rolling in with his arc

#13211 +(410)- [X]

<PJ> Ok
<PJ> let me get this straight...
<PJ> Your pregnant wife shoved speed down your throat during sex?
<Covert22-UNS> Yup pretty much

#14351 +(359)- [X]

<malcolm> I would appreciate it more if I didn't have to set JAVA_HOME and ANT_HOME and HILL_DEPTH and AVERAGE_LIFESPAN_OF_INSECT and NUMBER_OF_LEGS and DIRECTION_OF_PREVAILING_WIND and BIRTHDAY

#14552 +(567)- [X]

<prick> I hate parents who add letters to their kids' otherwise normal names
<prick> Or change them
<prick> "JESSICKA" "TIPHANIE"
<prick> Do you really think that your child will be unique or sparkling because of the confusion associatedwith their name?
<prick> All you're doing is setting her up for a lifetime of spelling out her name to strangers

#16438 +(260)- [X]

<^bat-sai> i once went to lismore
<^bat-sai> for a baseball competition
<^bat-sai> when i was 13
<^bat-sai> i was mocked
<^bat-sai> because i was the only one who thought we were there to play baseball on the snes

#17023 +(1124)- [X]

<+TlMMAH> hey gary
<+TlMMAH> what is porno that i should download
<+TlMMAH> i am putting my dick into your hands here
<+TlMMAH> not literally but, you know

#22873 +(444)- [X]

<fireserve> !is the cumulitve mutiplication thing
<Benoit> ! is lots of things
<fireserve> like 6! = 6x5x4x3x2x1
<Wolfman_Dain> ! is the programming term for "not"
<Benoit> ! at the end of a sentence can also mean exclamation... or so I've been told
<fireserve> and if you flip it upside down and put one at the front, its spanish
<Benoit> !, is there anything it cant do?

#31891 +(209)- [X]

<tester> what did I miss?
<maklic> well
<maklic> i was just fucking AdrameleK's momma
<maklic> other than that nothing much
<tester> send the log

#33497 +(215)- [X]

<Ced> me no eating or drinking at the keybord
<brolli_420> but jerking your shit is aceptable
<brolli_420> you got some werid rules

#36734 +(526)- [X]

<smileygirl> you say
<^haploid^> Wow, a subject *and* a verb. You are getting very close to composing complete sentences. I applaud you.

#37152 +(419)- [X]

<LordArgent> I see an iMac and I want it painted black, no colors anymore I want them to turn black.
<LordArgent> It's not a real computer, you have to face the facts. When you're on a Macintosh, your soul has turned to black.

#38638 +(130)- [X]

*** Joins: Mikey (~Mikey@microsoft.com)
<Mikey> Whoops, gotta go to a meeting, sorry guys
*** Quits: Mikey
<Fayn> Poor guy...

#44657 +(543)- [X]

<+Spazz> Oh, man.  I feel bad now.
<+Spazz> I thought my cat had a scab on its belly.
<+Spazz> So I've been picking at it.
<+Spazz> Turns out, it's his nipple.  X.x

#46913 +(659)- [X]

<CaptainCanada231> So wait, I should grow the goatse?
<CaptainCanada231> *goatee

#50207 +(172)- [X]

<Sphlynxo> well
<Sphlynxo> anytime there's a decent girl im with
<Sphlynxo> she's always a drinker
<Sphlynxo> damn it
<Sphlynxo> id like a hot girl who DOESNT drink
<wshs> that should tellyou something
<wshs> :

#51612 +(185)- [X]

<DrZaius44> pc load letter? What the fuck is PC load letter??
<CharCoal69> a letter that says "I shot my load. Sorry. -- Your Computer"

#52688 +(11)- [X]

<Louie[laptop]> http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2078843925
<err-afk> Louie
<err-afk> dont ebay anymore
<Louie[laptop]> why not
<Louie[laptop]> i am gonna buy some xeon workstations
<err-afk> some guy got arrested
<Louie[laptop]> why
<err-afk> for a big ebay scam
<Louie[laptop]> oh i dont participate in ebay scams
<cheesegoduk> yeah its only happened once

#53061 +(210)- [X]

<Rory> I once saw on an import Gundam toy "Dont break steamy translucent fabric or new one will come"
<Rory> wait that was a pack of Japanese condoms

#53901 +(117)- [X]

<Jaz> there is not enough time in the history of civilisation to watch all the pr0n on earth
<utopian> 1000 videos on 1000 screens
<utopian> all at once
<utopian> the law of statistics says you'll see a shakespearean sonnet sooner or later
<Jaz> im sure john T bone has done a pr0n shakespeare
<utopian> sure, according to the law of statistics...

#75941 +(321)- [X]

Shark: there was one kinda funny bit in unreal2
Shark: i was waiting around in this defence bit.. and i was pickin my nose
Shark: and suddenly one of my guys yells BOGIES!! BOGIES!!!
Shark: i was like haha omg? ..oh he means incomming enemy :|

#105228 +(180)- [X]

(+[Aries]^PCW) OH HAS ARIES STILL GOT IT
(+[Aries]^PCW) I THINK SO!
(+Sheepy) im sure itll go away if you take those pills the doctor prescribed

#105279 +(200)- [X]

< chris> Meanwhile, I am participating in all that is unholy and rightly hated
< chris> Namely, I am writing a Java Applet that runs in a browser and is controlled by JavaScript
<@phessler> hahaha
* chris commits hara-kiri to minimize the dishonor to his family
< chris> phessler: Yeah, but the thing is: this is way better than what I was doing before, which was Flash coding
< chris> Flash, Java and JavaScript -- all in a day's work
< chris> Incidentally, I am looking for a new job...

#111338 +(16982)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

#181901 +(354)- [X]

<the|navigator> I want a doormat that says: Home Sweet Localhost.

#211966 +(473)- [X]

<Rosss> I watched a crazy japanese gangster movie today
<Rosss> A yakuza boss drowns a hooker hopped up on heroin in a kiddie pool full of her own feces
<Lev> Was it a comedy?
<Rosss> uh no
<Lev> Oh

#214476 +(206)- [X]

<@ImmenseMalevolentCanisLupis> Linux is like a pair of boxers without the tag cut off. So free but so uncomfortable.

#336562 +(2403)- [X]

<Samwise> And if not for a beard, what can you stroke while thinking?
<jacquilyn> Depends what you're thinking about.

#374943 +(82)- [X]

<booze> rice makes your dick gain strenght :p
<Margarita> if you shove it in your dick, sure, booze

#408590 +(368)- [X]

BillyLove:  Half awake, some of my large mammal friends and I are sitting around playing Scatergories at around 1 AM.
BillyLove:  Then out of noware we get the subject "Things you've never tasted" and the letter C... BillyLove:  We thaught that was bad till be got the letter N and the fallowing subjects: "Things that are black," "Things you save up to buy," "Tools," and "Things your afraid of."
BillLove:  Right before we got the letter H and "People who work at night", we got W and "Female athletes", then someone yells out "WHO CARES?" That's the last time we play that late.
Bufford:  I think our game of Apples to Apples was worse. The word was "spicy" and someone played the card that said "JFK Assassination."

#419730 +(95)- [X]

<Cheese> I'm going to Visit Canada one day anyway :/
<microburn> Cheese, we'll go drinking.
<Cheese> microburn, not until I'm like 23/24 ;s
<Cheese> What would be funny is
<Cheese> if we all still talk
<microburn> Cheese, : That would be sad if stayed on IRC for 8 more years talking to you all.
<Cheese> :s
* microburn commits suicide.
<Cheese> 8?
<microburn> I have 8.
<microburn> I'm 16.
<Cheese> microburn, I can't see a day when we still don't come on IRC
<Cheese> we might have graphics then
<microburn> Graphics?
<muert0> yeah me dancin naked in a box to your left
* microburn quits IRC, now.

#439958 +(1749)- [X]

<FuzLogic> I never did figure out how to open the damn doors on the landing boats.
<mirth> "how i survived normandy" by FuzLogic

#441975 +(1441)- [X]

I am Jeremiadine: i just left a message on smith's cellphone in binary
Sela: Fun.
I am Jeremiadine: yeah
I am Jeremiadine: the best part is even if he decodes it it's in french
I am Jeremiadine: ...i'm bored

#445124 +(222)- [X]

<Ark> whats burnt to a crisp and sits at the top of a staircase?
<Mattyoo> ???
<leoN> wha?
<Ark> christopher reeves in a house fire
<leoN> dude that is not cool

#456282 +(662)- [X]

<zephyrlot> Do you want my personaluity to be:
<zephyrlot> Snob who looks down on people
<zephyrlot> Ass-kissing groupie
<zephyrlot> Desperately trying to be friends
<@TJ32> Which is the one that types the least?

#556673 +(1940)- [X]

prettykittikat: Im going 2 the club 2night
Syric 2005: im going 2 lern 2 tipe 2nite 2
prettykittikat: what?
Syric 2005: Exactly

#639424 +(1767)- [X]

Nexion: Dustin is so stupid
Nexion: i told him, there is no real proof of god
Nexion: and he goes there doesn't need to be
Nexion: and i said "well then im god"
Nexion: and he goes "prove it."
Nexion: ...

#648665 +(920)- [X]

mcilhemnny: see, this is why I like bittorrents
mcilhemnny: Family guy, Seasons... 1-4 + the movie
mcilhemnny: Now thats fucking organisation
mcilhemnny: I don't have to do any work
mcilhemnny: I just sit on my fucking ass and wait...
mcilhemnny: for
mcilhemnny: 196.5 days...
mcilhemnny: awww... the simple life

#654551 +(47)- [X]

<Seraph> wow, on gamefaqs, they have this "top 10 games that work on mac"
<Seraph> I didn't even know there were games that would run on macs
<Zack> Well now that macs can boot windows they're not quite as useless
<Seraph> true, but it's just creepy, like a polo player going to nascar

#961293 +(41)- [X]

(@|HashBot|) Final and decisive action of the Napoleonic Wars, that effectively ended French domination of Europe?
(SiCK) Surrender

0.0575 21085 quotes approved; 624 quotes pending
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