#961099 +(288)- [X]
<Nichole> my sister is giving birth on thursday. Drug baby. Apparently CPS is going to contact me to take him.
<keith> what kind of drugs?
<keith> a baby full of drugs could be worth something
<Nichole> heroin, Oxy, meth
<Nichole> mostly heroin
<keith> expensive baby!
<blaxthos> so... your sister will be free this weekend?
<Nichole> yep have at it
<assfetish> i got this mental image of a baby shaped pinata full of drugs being broken at some wall street party
<Nichole> she's in prison
<Nichole> she makes me feel very normal
<latras> you are very normal ;)
<keith> shes still getting heroin, oxy and meth in prison?
<blaxthos> is she imprisoned because of baby ?
<keith> yeah id say your pretty normal
<Nichole> keith: she's on methadone now
<blaxthos> i think having babies should be a crime
<keith> procreating is definitely a crime
<Nichole> she's imprisoned because she broke parole, child endangerment (from first daughter), and drug related charges, and being on the run
<Azalea> That is a shitty situation
<assfetish> are you gonna take the baby?
<Nichole> i dont know
<keith> azalea needs another kid i hear
<assfetish> i have a friend who wants a kid real bad
<blaxthos> if you are on irc and you can't figure out how to unload a kid, you're doing it wrong
#954927 +(204)- [X]
<chainsoar> fox news special: computer terrorists blow up several internets
<chainsoar> at least 45% of the network of tubes is damaged beyond repair
<Jill_Stihl> They are trying to hack your freedom!
<chainsoar> FACT: hackers can break into the CIA mainframe and actually _download your freedom_
#954924 +(539)- [X]
<RedMachineD> just submitted homework with a bad typo
<RedMachineD> talking about the way people use words
<RedMachineD> and hate speech and sluts and shit
<RedMachineD> and i accidentally typed in
<RedMachineD> "hateful coonotations"
<RedMachineD> gonna be hearing from my professor about this one
#954911 +(504)- [X]
<Number6> Ducks have corkscrew shaped penises
* rsynnott hopes the people who made the Flintstones were unaware of this
#954866 +(461)- [X]
** You are now chatting in #fantendo
<Corbeb>: i've just realized that we talk about porn here more than we talk about fantendo
<NoontimeYoshi>: whats a fantendo
#954863 +(554)- [X]
<SirWolfgang> i just paid $85 for a hoodie...
<tetsu> but it lasts for a decade right
<tetsu> youll be 30 before you need to buy another hoodie
<tetsu> and by then youll be an adult and just buy a coat
#954760 +(1823)- [X]
<LogicalThought> Having a girls head on your chest is one of the best feelings ever
<The_Opinion> Especially when it's still attached.
#954654 +(1626)- [X]
<jude> First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.
#954582 +(1243)- [X]
<G-ZeuZ> When two people kiss, they create a tube with an asshole at each end.
<wufei> put that in your online dating profile
<wufei> you'll stand out
#954477 +(-786)- [X]
fr0gman: my ex gf is blowing up my phooine
fr0gman: and sent me emails
fr0gman: and is trying to call me from a blocked number lol
fr0gman: AT LEAST I FEEL WANTED THIS VALENTINE'S
oldmadtom: she wants the d
fr0gman: i should be like "Happy Valentine's ay... you'll get the D later"
#954425 +(1281)- [X]
C:UsersNetham45>tracert -h 100 188.8.131.52
Tracing route to FIN [184.108.40.206]
over a maximum of 100 hops:
1 <1 ms <1 ms <1 ms -snip-
2 26 ms 52 ms 28 ms -snip-
3 14 ms 33 ms 49 ms -snip-
4 18 ms 22 ms 22 ms -snip-
5 19 ms 23 ms 22 ms -snip-
6 27 ms 30 ms 30 ms -snip-
7 31 ms 31 ms 34 ms -snip-
8 26 ms 27 ms 30 ms 220.127.116.11
9 46 ms 66 ms 66 ms xe-1-2-0.atl11.ip4.tinet.net [18.104.22.168]
10 * 49 ms 49 ms epik-networks-gw.ip4.tinet.net [22.214.171.124]
11 61 ms 59 ms 63 ms po0-3.dsr2.atl.epikip.net [126.96.36.199]
12 * * * Request timed out.
13 101 ms 118 ms 102 ms Episode.IV [188.8.131.52]
14 101 ms 101 ms 102 ms A.NEW.HOPE [184.108.40.206]
15 99 ms 99 ms 99 ms It.is.a.period.of.civil.war [220.127.116.11]
16 102 ms 136 ms 117 ms Rebel.spaceships [18.104.22.168]
17 116 ms 98 ms 95 ms striking.from.a.hidden.base [22.214.171.124]
18 101 ms 115 ms 99 ms have.won.their.first.victory [126.96.36.199]
19 99 ms 99 ms 100 ms against.the.evil.Galactic.Empire [188.8.131.52]
20 118 ms 98 ms 100 ms During.the.battle [184.108.40.206]
21 117 ms 101 ms 102 ms Rebel.spies.managed [220.127.116.11]
22 99 ms 117 ms 94 ms to.steal.secret.plans [18.104.22.168]
23 100 ms 96 ms 101 ms to.the.Empires.ultimate.weapon [22.214.171.124]
24 103 ms 101 ms 105 ms the.DEATH.STAR [126.96.36.199]
25 99 ms 100 ms 96 ms an.armored.space.station [188.8.131.52]
26 120 ms 102 ms 98 ms with.enough.power.to [184.108.40.206]
27 98 ms 98 ms 118 ms destroy.an.entire.planet [220.127.116.11]
28 98 ms 97 ms 101 ms Pursued.by.the.Empires [18.104.22.168]
29 101 ms 105 ms 117 ms sinister.agents [22.214.171.124]
30 100 ms 100 ms 100 ms Princess.Leia.races.home [126.96.36.199]
31 104 ms 101 ms 102 ms aboard.her.starship [188.8.131.52]
32 105 ms 102 ms 103 ms custodian.of.the.stolen.plans [184.108.40.206]
33 100 ms 100 ms 103 ms that.can.save.her [220.127.116.11]
34 100 ms 106 ms 139 ms people.and.restore [18.104.22.168]
35 100 ms 121 ms 102 ms freedom.to.the.galaxy [22.214.171.124]
36 99 ms 101 ms 98 ms 0-------------------0 [126.96.36.199]
37 104 ms 118 ms 101 ms 0------------------0 [188.8.131.52]
38 100 ms 99 ms 99 ms 0-----------------0 [184.108.40.206]
39 102 ms 100 ms 97 ms 0----------------0 [220.127.116.11]
40 105 ms 118 ms 123 ms 0---------------0 [18.104.22.168]
41 100 ms 105 ms 98 ms 0--------------0 [22.214.171.124]
42 109 ms 115 ms 113 ms 0-------------0 [126.96.36.199]
43 161 ms 155 ms 154 ms 0------------0 [188.8.131.52]
44 114 ms 98 ms 112 ms 0-----------0 [184.108.40.206]
45 101 ms 124 ms 105 ms 0----------0 [220.127.116.11]
46 98 ms 143 ms 117 ms 0---------0 [18.104.22.168]
47 102 ms 97 ms 105 ms 0--------0 [22.214.171.124]
48 101 ms 101 ms 140 ms 0-------0 [126.96.36.199]
49 104 ms 107 ms 103 ms 0------0 [188.8.131.52]
50 102 ms 103 ms 104 ms 0-----0 [184.108.40.206]
51 1067 ms 100 ms 100 ms 0----0 [220.127.116.11]
52 100 ms 101 ms 104 ms 0---0 [18.104.22.168]
53 104 ms 101 ms 101 ms 0--0 [22.214.171.124]
54 108 ms 104 ms 99 ms 0-0 [126.96.36.199]
55 102 ms 101 ms 106 ms 00 [188.8.131.52]
56 106 ms 105 ms 104 ms I [184.108.40.206]
57 102 ms 123 ms 105 ms By.Ryan.Werber [220.127.116.11]
58 117 ms 103 ms 111 ms When.CCIEs.Get.Bored [18.104.22.168]
59 107 ms 103 ms 105 ms read.more.at.beaglenetworks.net [22.214.171.124]
60 105 ms 122 ms 101 ms FIN [126.96.36.199]
#954321 +(331)- [X]
<Watcher7> Want to eat stuff off my chest?
<space> is it hair
#954315 +(410)- [X]
<@LAMMJohnson> I suspect Star Trek Into Darkness will be good but not great.
<@LAMMJohnson> My reasoning for this is thus
<@LAMMJohnson> Perfect score because all of its words have a length that is a power of 2.
<@LAMMJohnson> Minus one point because total letters is not a power of two.
<@LAMMJohnson> Not even including spaces.
<@LAMMJohnson> However, the letters in all of the words plus the number of words is 24.
<@LAMMJohnson> Overall score for the movie: 8.5
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Vice Executive of the Autism Department
<@LAMMJohnson> The score, correctly, is a power of two marred with an ugly fraction.
<@LAMMJohnson> Although the fraction is 1/2
<@LAMMJohnson> Actually, the overall fraction is 17/20 which I pretty much hate.
<@LAMMJohnson> Which means I will initially think the movie is OK but then later change my mind and hate it.
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Honourable Chairman of the Autism Empire
#954314 +(279)- [X]
<@Saturn> how are you?
< Bronysith> fine, cuddling luna plushie
< Bronysith> you?
<@Saturn> friend of mine died
<@Saturn> and eating pie
< Bronysith> oh fuck
<@Unnr> Saturn: *huuuug*
< Bronysith> Saturn: well im here for you if you need me
<@Saturn> i appreciate your concern, but the pie's not *that* bad
#954232 +(746)- [X]
<saylan> I just set up port forwards to defense.gov
<saylan> anyone scanning me now will be scanning/attacking the DoD :D
<bolt> that's... not exactly how port forwarding works
#954218 +(222)- [X]
<Koel> imagine a mother dick feeding a whole nest of chirping baby dicks
#954214 +(226)- [X]
<bitchcunt> for the love of god, kathleen, he doesn't care about your hair! and if he does, maybe he should be going out with your brother.
#954201 +(317)- [X]
<danh> interviewing a fat guy
<danh> do we hire him
<pbuckley> does he have a beard?
<pbuckley> then no
#954197 +(425)- [X]
<DJMonty> Just fell over holding my guitar, and accidentally played every song One Direction have ever written
#954195 +(172)- [X]
<LeelooMinai> Hmm, that Ian guy from Dangerous Prototypes is kind of weird...
<IanWizard-Cloud> LeelooMinai: hmm?
<LeelooMinai> E, right... well... my cat wrote that - nm:p
#954192 +(331)- [X]
<%rundata> man my wifes read that 50 shades of grey
<Karnaksbitch> Aw god ur al makin me cringe
<%rundata> she was like "have you heard of fisting?"
<%rundata> ive seen women shoulder deep in other women
#954191 +(214)- [X]
<aubnorch> how was I unaware of usb onaholes until now
<aubnorch> you plug them in to your computer and load up profiles of your favorite 2d waifus and they -change-
<flesy> are u trying to fuck a usb port
#954190 +(480)- [X]
<Prometheus> Are you made of Copper and Tellurium
<Prometheus> because youre CuTe
<Cruel> Are you made of holmium and molybdenum
#954186 +(603)- [X]
<@i_c-Y> i had a nightmare yesterday that i bought 3 licenses of norton antivirus
#954177 +(367)- [X]
ND: My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.
#954174 +(268)- [X]
<+Zuu> i think i want to stop doing college and become a mechanic
<@bazl> i forbid it
<@bazl> because every word in that sentence was spelled correctly
#954171 +(260)- [X]
<Cob|afk>: let's chill
<Cob|afk>: and be friends
<Cob|afk>: because i'll fucking stab you if you don't
#954159 +(216)- [X]
Blade: "it was extremely unusual and we really wanted to find out why this thing had - what we call - burst"
Blade: please explain this obscure phenomenon known as burst
Blade: to the laypeople like myself
Blade: i don't understand this parlance
Blade: technical jargon isn't my forte
Blade: scientific lingo baffles me
#954155 +(243)- [X]
<Ishimura> finger is apparently functional cross-platform
<SilentPenguin> yeah, users understand the finger irrespective of the operating system they are using
#954153 +(194)- [X]
<Silent> I see that many designers are using Macs to draw. I was wondering what's wring with Windows and Linux, and that's why I asked.
<G-Money> mac's are for creative people
<G-Money> if we use non-macs, we lose our creativity
<G-Money> its part of owning a mac
<Silent> In what sense?
<G-Money> are a you a man of god Silent?
<G-Money> in the biblical tale with samson and delilah
<G-Money> samson loses his power when delilah, who was a whore btw, cut his hair
<G-Money> its somewhat like a mac
#954147 +(503)- [X]
Fatthew Mupples: i imagine a large part of romanian and chinese cultures revolves around typing ssh email@example.com
#954127 +(569)- [X]
<er0s> if i was a porn director, i'd randomly cut to eye contact with the male actor
<er0s> to freak out whoever is watching
<er0s> maybe have him smile slightly too
#954118 +(166)- [X]
<Bushman> heh, those voice commands in mobile phones...
<Bushman> say "text *contact_name* message *message_text*"
<Bushman> or "email *contact_name* subject *message_subject* message *message_text*"
<Bushman> what if... just what if... the guy's name is Mr.Message or Mr.Subject?
#954111 +(154)- [X]
<@Steempy> Any lettuce that isn't iceberg needs to fuck off back to Russia
<@Steempy> Goddamn communist hipster lettuce
#954106 +(174)- [X]
<[k]> you got a vivid imagination, like me.
<[k]> i can respect that
<HardDisk> you have no idea the stuff I've done
<HardDisk> [k], have you ever been so stoned that if you were jerking off while eating a kitkat then all of a sudden you feel a salty taste in your mouth and because your so high at this point you cant tell whether the kitkat chocolate bar was expired or if that if you creamed into your mouth without noticing?
#954104 +(129)- [X]
<Sheep> Cat owners - Do you ever find that you're stroking your cat and suddenly everything feels like a tasty chicken dinner?
#954103 +(369)- [X]
<Mikael_Kreoss> reading the "stupid shit you believed as a kid" thread
<Mikael_Kreoss> it owns
<Mikael_Kreoss> reminded me of the time as a kid I saw a pic of the pope's bubble car thing
<Mikael_Kreoss> and thought it was meant to keep him in
<Mikael_Kreoss> like he was a monster or w/e
<Mikael_Kreoss> on display
<Mikael_Kreoss> "WE CAUGHT THE POPE" and then celebration time
#954101 +(220)- [X]
<Maastonakki> we are sending hamburgers to space now
<Maastonakki> not sure if I want to live on this planet anymore
<@r4w> especially if all the burgers are in space!
#953518 +(2877)- [X]
<No_One> Damn my land mine collection is gone.
<No_One> Also so is my shed
<No_One> That's gonna be fun in the morning
15 minutes later.
<No_One> Fuck afk police pulled in
<Dwarf> have fun
10 minutes later.
<No_One> Someone broke into my shed
<No_One> They won't do that again
3 hours later.
<No_One> Can I be charged with criminal negligence even if the said deceased person used bolt cutters to access something that killed them?
<noregister> I doubt it
#953413 +(4906)- [X]
<%wgluv2hunt> I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
<%wgluv2hunt> I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
<%wgluv2hunt> So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> That's all I remember.
#953373 +(601)- [X]
(~roopurt) there is an article on the washington post "why is the arab world so easily offended"
(~roopurt) i think it might offend the arab world
(~roopurt) but really
(~roopurt) one person puts up a youtube video and they riot and kill
(~roopurt) the rest of world didnt come after canada after justin biebers last video
#953205 +(414)- [X]
*** valinhorn has joined #oregoons
<coyo7e> Immediately, she realizes that Christian Grey is not some ancient forty-year old dude, practically crumbling to dust atop his icy blonde empire, but a very hot young man:
<coyo7e> So young - and attractive, very attractive. He's tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.
<coyo7e> That... is one hell of a tie. I'm going to have to ask someone, please, look into the kindness and the goodness of your soul and photoshop me a picture of a black tie with Robert Pattinson's hair and eyes stuck on it, gazing at me shrewdly.
*** valinhorn left #oregoons 
#953150 +(230)- [X]
<rad_ed> NOOOOOO i didn't want to do that no no no no
<rad_ed> i added honey boo boo to my google news section
<rad_ed> no no no no how do i undo
#953085 +(98)- [X]
<swarthy15> I'm sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare
#952952 +(1247)- [X]
< CoJaBo> Update: The object seen landing near Gale Crater on MSD 49,269 at around 05:50:16 AMT local time has been conclusively identified by the Martian Space Agency to be a weather balloon. Due to possible radioactive contamination, Mars citizens are forbidden to approach Gale Crater until further notice.
#952951 +(1397)- [X]
<zalzane> I wonder how long it will end up taking for all this pony shit to blow over
<Mutagene> too long
<pkmnBlue> 2 years
<zalzane> sailor moon took like 10 years
<zalzane> and every once in awhile I still hear fags harp about sailor moon
<pkmnBlue> SAILOR MOON IS AWESOME
<Mutagene> sailor moon was good though :(
<pkmnBlue> Kuraitou: SAILOR MOON
<zalzane> oh my fucking god
#952948 +(1238)- [X]
<gmaxwell> 1960: "I have a great idea! lets have every person in the country carry a radio tracking beacon!" "That'll never fly!" 2012: "I can has TWO iphones??"
#952943 +(765)- [X]
* dagdamor psychs himself up to play "which cable goes where" and "why is this cable routed like this?" ahead of a switch stack replacement
<dagdamor> deja vu etc
<evil_steve> you can generally tell if it's important.
<evil_steve> either a) all the phone start ringing at once, or b) all the phones go silent at once
#952942 +(1005)- [X]
<dr2chase> As I said to someone else, back when the Lite-Brite Mooninites panicked the Boston Police, the first rule of making a bomb, is to not make it look like a bomb.
<dr2chase> That's why IEDs get buried, stuffed into dead dogs, what have you. Around here, if you wanted to hide a bomb in plain sight, you'd stick it in a crumpled Dunkin Donuts bag.
<anony> Isn't a Dunkin Donuts bag the first place a cop would look?
#951798 +(853)- [X]
<LocalDescriptorTable> Hey Russia I just met you and this is crazy but our space agency is broke launch our shit maybe?