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#953421 +(127)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: I keep getting spam e-mail from a company trying to convince me I owe them for search engine listing services. They send an actual invoice for me to print and fax to them.
lemonlimeskull: It's their own fault, really, that I faxed them a photo-to-ASCII image of a hand giving the middle finger.
killjay: lol bet they were PISSED
lemonlimeskull: They will be if they lay out all 54 pages in the correct sequence.

#953447 +(36)- [X]

plas: Friendly cats will head-but or head rub and will extend this into a full body rub. Cats will also head-butt and body-rub their humans. The nose-bump is another friendly greeting.
lemonlimeskull: Even friendlier cats will offer a paw job.

#953518 +(2914)- [X]

<No_One> Damn my land mine collection is gone.
<No_One> Also so is my shed
<No_One> That's gonna be fun in the morning
15 minutes later.
<No_One> Fuck afk police pulled in
<Dwarf> k
<Dwarf> have fun
10 minutes later.
<No_One> Shiit
<No_One> Someone broke into my shed
<No_One> They won't do that again
3 hours later.
<No_One> Can I be charged with criminal negligence even if the said deceased person used bolt cutters to access something that killed them?
<noregister> I doubt it
<No_One> Good

#954091 +(18)- [X]

< hyntty> Erik: what is cat in dutch?
<+Erik> kat
< PeriSoft_> fucking crazy language
< hyntty> kankerkat ;|7<
<+Erik> With the A pronounced as the A in 'what'.
< PeriSoft_> it's spelled 'kat', but it's probably pronounced 'voorslphtn'

#954101 +(232)- [X]

<Maastonakki> we are sending hamburgers to space now
<Maastonakki> not sure if I want to live on this planet anymore
<@r4w> especially if all the burgers are in space!

#954103 +(393)- [X]

<Mikael_Kreoss> reading the "stupid shit you believed as a kid" thread
<Mikael_Kreoss> it owns
<Mikael_Kreoss> reminded me of the time as a kid I saw a pic of the pope's bubble car thing
<Mikael_Kreoss> and thought it was meant to keep him in
<Mikael_Kreoss> like he was a monster or w/e
<Vanadium> hahaha
<Mikael_Kreoss> on display
<&Attilla> ahahahah
<Mikael_Kreoss> "WE CAUGHT THE POPE" and then celebration time
<Drakkar> hahaha

#954104 +(135)- [X]

<Sheep> Cat owners - Do you ever find that you're stroking your cat and suddenly everything feels like a tasty chicken dinner?

#954106 +(178)- [X]

<[k]> you got a vivid imagination, like me.
<[k]> i can respect that
<HardDisk> you have no idea the stuff I've done
<HardDisk> [k], have you ever been so stoned that if you were jerking off while eating a kitkat then all of a sudden you feel a salty taste in your mouth and because your so high at this point you cant tell whether the kitkat chocolate bar was expired or if that if you creamed into your mouth without noticing?

#954111 +(161)- [X]

<@Steempy> Any lettuce that isn't iceberg needs to fuck off back to Russia
<@Steempy> Goddamn communist hipster lettuce

#954118 +(171)- [X]

<Bushman> heh, those voice commands in mobile phones...
<Bushman> say "text *contact_name* message *message_text*"
<Bushman> or "email *contact_name* subject *message_subject* message *message_text*"
<Bushman> what if... just what if... the guy's name is Mr.Message or Mr.Subject?
<Bushman> :D
<Bushman> facebook.com/john.message.9
<Bushman> facebook.com/john.subject

#954127 +(581)- [X]

<er0s> if i was a porn director, i'd randomly cut to eye contact with the male actor
<er0s> to freak out whoever is watching
<er0s> maybe have him smile slightly too

#954147 +(510)- [X]

Fatthew Mupples: i imagine a large part of romanian and chinese cultures revolves around typing ssh root@random.ip

#954153 +(202)- [X]

<Silent> I see that many designers are using Macs to draw. I was wondering what's wring with Windows and Linux, and that's why I asked.
<G-Money> Silent
<G-Money> mac's are for creative people
<G-Money> if we use non-macs, we lose our creativity
<G-Money> its part of owning a mac
<Silent> In what sense?
<G-Money> are a you a man of god Silent?
<G-Money> in the biblical tale with samson and delilah
<G-Money> samson loses his power when delilah, who was a whore btw, cut his hair
<G-Money> its somewhat like a mac

#954155 +(259)- [X]

<Ishimura> woah
<Ishimura> finger is apparently functional cross-platform
<SilentPenguin> yeah, users understand the finger irrespective of the operating system they are using

#954159 +(222)- [X]

Blade: "it was extremely unusual and we really wanted to find out why this thing had - what we call - burst"
Blade: please explain this obscure phenomenon known as burst
Blade: to the laypeople like myself
Blade: i don't understand this parlance
Blade: technical jargon isn't my forte
Blade: scientific lingo baffles me

#954171 +(266)- [X]

<Cob|afk>: fellows
<Cob|afk>: let's chill
<Cob|afk>: and be friends
<jasper>: why
<Cob|afk>: because i'll fucking stab you if you don't

#954174 +(279)- [X]

<+Zuu> i think i want to stop doing college and become a mechanic
<@bazl> i forbid it
<+Zuu> why
<@bazl> because every word in that sentence was spelled correctly

#954177 +(372)- [X]

ND: My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

#954186 +(622)- [X]

<@i_c-Y> i had a nightmare yesterday that i bought 3 licenses of norton antivirus

#954190 +(505)- [X]

<Prometheus> Are you made of Copper and Tellurium
<Prometheus> because youre CuTe
<Cruel> Are you made of holmium and molybdenum

#954191 +(238)- [X]

<aubnorch> how was I unaware of usb onaholes until now
<aubnorch> you plug them in to your computer and load up profiles of your favorite 2d waifus and they -change-
<flesy> are u trying to fuck a  usb port

#954192 +(365)- [X]

<%rundata> man my wifes read that 50 shades of grey
<Karnaksbitch> Aw god ur al makin me cringe
<%rundata> she was like "have you heard of fisting?"
<%rundata> ive seen women shoulder deep in other women

#954195 +(172)- [X]

<LeelooMinai> Hmm, that Ian guy from Dangerous Prototypes is kind of weird...
<IanWizard-Cloud> LeelooMinai: hmm?
<LeelooMinai> E, right... well... my cat wrote that - nm:p

#954197 +(469)- [X]

<DJMonty> Shit
<DJMonty> Just fell over holding my guitar, and accidentally played every song One Direction have ever written

#954201 +(336)- [X]

<danh> interviewing a fat guy
<danh> do we hire him
<pbuckley> does he have a beard?
<danh> nope
<pbuckley> then no

#954214 +(240)- [X]

<bitchcunt> for the love of god, kathleen, he doesn't care about your hair! and if he does, maybe he should be going out with your brother.

#954218 +(245)- [X]

<Koel> imagine a mother dick feeding a whole nest of chirping baby dicks

#954232 +(773)- [X]

<saylan> I just set up port forwards to defense.gov
<saylan> anyone scanning me now will be scanning/attacking the DoD :D
<renderbod> O.o
<bolt> that's... not exactly how port forwarding works
<saylan> ?

#954314 +(300)- [X]

<@Saturn> how are you?
< Bronysith> fine, cuddling luna plushie
< Bronysith> you?
<@Saturn> friend of mine died
<@Saturn> and eating pie
< Bronysith> oh fuck
<@Unnr> Saturn: *huuuug*
< Bronysith> Saturn: well im here for you if you need me
<@Saturn> i appreciate your concern, but the pie's not *that* bad

#954315 +(425)- [X]

<@LAMMJohnson> I suspect Star Trek Into Darkness will be good but not great.
<@LAMMJohnson> My reasoning for this is thus                    
<@LAMMJohnson> Perfect score because all of its words have a length that is a power of 2.
<@LAMMJohnson> Minus one point because total letters is not a power of two.
<@LAMMJohnson> Not even including spaces.
<@LAMMJohnson> However, the letters in all of the words plus the number of words is 24.
<@LAMMJohnson> Overall score for the movie: 8.5                            
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Vice Executive of the Autism Department      
<@LAMMJohnson> The score, correctly, is a power of two marred with an ugly fraction.
<@LAMMJohnson> Although the fraction is 1/2
<@LAMMJohnson> Actually, the overall fraction is 17/20 which I pretty much hate.
<@LAMMJohnson> Which means I will initially think the movie is OK but then later change my mind and hate it.
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Honourable Chairman of the Autism Empire

#954321 +(338)- [X]

<Watcher7> Want to eat stuff off my chest?
<space> erm
<space> is it hair

#954425 +(1315)- [X]

C:UsersNetham45>tracert -h 100

Tracing route to FIN []
over a maximum of 100 hops:

  1    <1 ms    <1 ms    <1 ms  -snip-
  2    26 ms    52 ms    28 ms  -snip-
  3    14 ms    33 ms    49 ms  -snip-
  4    18 ms    22 ms    22 ms  -snip-
  5    19 ms    23 ms    22 ms  -snip-
  6    27 ms    30 ms    30 ms  -snip-
  7    31 ms    31 ms    34 ms  -snip-
  8    26 ms    27 ms    30 ms
  9    46 ms    66 ms    66 ms  xe-1-2-0.atl11.ip4.tinet.net []
10     *       49 ms    49 ms  epik-networks-gw.ip4.tinet.net []
11    61 ms    59 ms    63 ms  po0-3.dsr2.atl.epikip.net []
12     *        *        *     Request timed out.
13   101 ms   118 ms   102 ms  Episode.IV []
14   101 ms   101 ms   102 ms  A.NEW.HOPE []
15    99 ms    99 ms    99 ms  It.is.a.period.of.civil.war []
16   102 ms   136 ms   117 ms  Rebel.spaceships []
17   116 ms    98 ms    95 ms  striking.from.a.hidden.base []
18   101 ms   115 ms    99 ms  have.won.their.first.victory []
19    99 ms    99 ms   100 ms  against.the.evil.Galactic.Empire []
20   118 ms    98 ms   100 ms  During.the.battle []
21   117 ms   101 ms   102 ms  Rebel.spies.managed []
22    99 ms   117 ms    94 ms  to.steal.secret.plans []
23   100 ms    96 ms   101 ms  to.the.Empires.ultimate.weapon []
24   103 ms   101 ms   105 ms  the.DEATH.STAR []
25    99 ms   100 ms    96 ms  an.armored.space.station []
26   120 ms   102 ms    98 ms  with.enough.power.to []
27    98 ms    98 ms   118 ms  destroy.an.entire.planet []
28    98 ms    97 ms   101 ms  Pursued.by.the.Empires []
29   101 ms   105 ms   117 ms  sinister.agents []
30   100 ms   100 ms   100 ms  Princess.Leia.races.home []
31   104 ms   101 ms   102 ms  aboard.her.starship []
32   105 ms   102 ms   103 ms  custodian.of.the.stolen.plans []
33   100 ms   100 ms   103 ms  that.can.save.her []
34   100 ms   106 ms   139 ms  people.and.restore []
35   100 ms   121 ms   102 ms  freedom.to.the.galaxy []
36    99 ms   101 ms    98 ms  0-------------------0 []
37   104 ms   118 ms   101 ms  0------------------0 []
38   100 ms    99 ms    99 ms  0-----------------0 []
39   102 ms   100 ms    97 ms  0----------------0 []
40   105 ms   118 ms   123 ms  0---------------0 []
41   100 ms   105 ms    98 ms  0--------------0 []
42   109 ms   115 ms   113 ms  0-------------0 []
43   161 ms   155 ms   154 ms  0------------0 []
44   114 ms    98 ms   112 ms  0-----------0 []
45   101 ms   124 ms   105 ms  0----------0 []
46    98 ms   143 ms   117 ms  0---------0 []
47   102 ms    97 ms   105 ms  0--------0 []
48   101 ms   101 ms   140 ms  0-------0 []
49   104 ms   107 ms   103 ms  0------0 []
50   102 ms   103 ms   104 ms  0-----0 []
51  1067 ms   100 ms   100 ms  0----0 []
52   100 ms   101 ms   104 ms  0---0 []
53   104 ms   101 ms   101 ms  0--0 []
54   108 ms   104 ms    99 ms  0-0 []
55   102 ms   101 ms   106 ms  00 []
56   106 ms   105 ms   104 ms  I []
57   102 ms   123 ms   105 ms  By.Ryan.Werber []
58   117 ms   103 ms   111 ms  When.CCIEs.Get.Bored []
59   107 ms   103 ms   105 ms  read.more.at.beaglenetworks.net []
60   105 ms   122 ms   101 ms  FIN []

Trace complete.

#954477 +(-815)- [X]

fr0gman: my ex gf is blowing up my phooine
fr0gman: and sent me emails
fr0gman: and is trying to call me from a blocked number lol
oldmadtom: she wants the d
fr0gman: ya
fr0gman: i should be like "Happy Valentine's ay... you'll get the D later"

#954582 +(1285)- [X]

<G-ZeuZ> When two people kiss, they create a tube with an asshole at each end.
<wufei> put that in your online dating profile
<wufei> you'll stand out

#954654 +(1681)- [X]

<jude> First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.

#954760 +(1893)- [X]

<LogicalThought> Having a girls head on your chest is one of the best feelings ever
<The_Opinion> Especially when it's still attached.

#954863 +(579)- [X]

<SirWolfgang> i just paid $85 for a hoodie...
<tetsu> but it lasts for a decade right
<tetsu> youll be 30 before you need to buy another hoodie
<tetsu> and by then youll be an adult and just buy a coat

#954866 +(469)- [X]

** You are now chatting in #fantendo
<Corbeb>: i've just realized that we talk about porn here more than we talk about fantendo
<Corbeb>: lol
<NoontimeYoshi>: whats a fantendo
<Hemu>: fantendo?

#954911 +(530)- [X]

<Number6> Ducks have corkscrew shaped penises
* rsynnott hopes the people who made the Flintstones were unaware of this

#954924 +(552)- [X]

<RedMachineD> whoops
<RedMachineD> just submitted homework with a bad typo
<RedMachineD> talking about the way people use words
<RedMachineD> and hate speech and sluts and shit
<RedMachineD> and i accidentally typed in
<RedMachineD> "hateful coonotations"
<RedMachineD> :|
<RedMachineD> gonna be hearing from my professor about this one

#954927 +(176)- [X]

<chainsoar> fox news special: computer terrorists blow up several internets
<chainsoar> at least 45% of the network of tubes is damaged beyond repair
<Jill_Stihl> They are trying to hack your freedom!
<chainsoar> FACT: hackers can break into the CIA mainframe and actually _download your freedom_

#954952 +(24)- [X]

< pooter> I just came up with an amazingly good simile for math
<+echobinary> does it add up?
< pooter> :|

#954957 +(47)- [X]

<sevyn>: I was disappointed to find out that the twitter account @hosonwheels did not belong to a hooker delivery service

#961099 +(342)- [X]

<Nichole> my sister is giving birth on thursday. Drug baby. Apparently CPS is going to contact me to take him.
<Azalea> Ahhhhhhhh
<keith> what kind of drugs?
<keith> a baby full of drugs could be worth something
<Nichole> heroin, Oxy, meth
<Nichole> mostly heroin
<keith> expensive baby!
<blaxthos> so... your sister will be free this weekend?
<Nichole> yep have at it
<assfetish> i got this mental image of a baby shaped pinata full of drugs being broken at some wall street party
<Nichole> she's in prison
<Nichole> she makes me feel very normal
<latras> you are very normal ;)
<keith> shes still getting heroin, oxy and meth in prison?
<blaxthos> is she imprisoned because of baby ?
<keith> yeah id say your pretty normal
<Nichole> keith: she's on methadone now
<blaxthos> i think having babies should be a crime
<keith> procreating is definitely a crime
<Nichole> she's imprisoned because she broke parole, child endangerment (from first daughter), and drug related charges, and being on the run
<Azalea> That is a shitty situation
<assfetish> are you gonna take the baby?
<Nichole> i dont know
<keith> azalea needs another kid i hear
<assfetish> i have a friend who wants a kid real bad
<blaxthos> if you are on irc and you can't figure out how to unload a kid, you're doing it wrong

#961146 +(26)- [X]

<magicp2p> but the US people see an egg form as a ball, so don't say it is an egg, it is football
<icebox766> It's a more aerodynamic ball.
<Neobenedict> more aerodynamic, yet people run with it in their hands for half the game. what a waste

#961197 +(41)- [X]

<DrBadAss>Lessee... the Republican party is in disarray, divided by an offshoot reactionary group, spearheaded by men who pander to the least common denominator and say and do the most ridiculous things imaginable, directly flaunting the Constitution, and proving on a daily basis they're incapable of compromise, and that their only goal is to take down their opponent at the expense of the country's welfare and proper operation.
<DrBadAss>  We Democrats have a CLEAR shot at this.  It's going to be really interesting to see how we go about f#@%ing it up.

#961257 +(159)- [X]

<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.

#961293 +(15)- [X]

(@|HashBot|) Final and decisive action of the Napoleonic Wars, that effectively ended French domination of Europe?
(SiCK) Surrender

#961330 +(178)- [X]

<sikory> hmmm, people found a severed head in amsterdam
<sikory> police thinks that it might be connected to the headless body they found yesterday
<Gamah> sikory: well obviously it's not connected...

#961513 +(79)- [X]

<xxx> There's apparently some Mexican restaurant somewhere in Europe that has the slogan, "Mexican food so authentic Donald Trump built 4 walls around it."

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