#948683 +(598)- [X]
<Yokujou`> iPhone autocorrect: Because "Asperger's Cock" is exactly what you were trying to convey.
#948693 +(563)- [X]
<mrfun> speaking of max, i boned a duck
<hamumu> are you sure you're speaking of max?
<mrfun> took most of yesterday to bone and do two anims, geez
<mrfun> but he's limping around in torque
<hamumu> this is sounding worse every sentence
#948884 +(1806)- [X]
<&Siyo> i successfully stopped a print job once
<&Siyo> AM I GOD?
#949197 +(5049)- [X]
<blaxthos> you want bash.org should participate in the SOPA blackout protest on 18 January ? (+) for yes
#949214 +(851)- [X]
<azonenberg> wordpress is an unauthenticated remote shell that, as a useful side feature, also contains a blog
#949335 +(187)- [X]
<M07w> you haven't been on the internet until you've seen a disembodied breast wearing a pair of panties
#949412 +(861)- [X]
<Kerrija> On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
#949439 +(1218)- [X]
lemonlimeskull: Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney to take on Barack Obama.
lemonlimeskull: We have to stop letting George Lucas name our Politicians.
#949486 +(430)- [X]
<Me> the nigerian prince scam is old
<Me> today you do it like this:
<Me> hi, im an arabic dictator, and i have to get my vast fortune outside the country soon
#949560 +(2443)- [X]
<lrvick> i just found a usb magstrip reader
<lrvick> i never knew i had
<lrvick> i wonder if it works like a keyboard...
<lrvick> %B4744740232448132^VICK/LANCE R^1506101000000000087800878000000?;4744740232258132=15061010000000000878?
<lrvick> apparently it does
<Science> What did we just read?
<lrvick> no comment
<Science> CC info, gotcha
<ThantiK> you swiped a VISA...
<ThantiK> 4744 is VISA start code for credit cards.
<ThantiK> A bank of america one, specifically.
<ThantiK> Might wanna change that now, lol - all of us probably have IRC logging turned on. You just threw your debit card info into all of our machines.
<Science> WELL NO ONE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IF YOU HADN'T SAID IT MAN
#949621 +(2842)- [X]
Rachel: I'm board.
Jeff: I'm chalk, we should get together.
Rachel: BOARD! Like I don't have anything to do, not BORD, like a chalkbord. Learn to spellcheck.
Jeff: Oh god I hope you don't breed.
#949643 +(1078)- [X]
<hafiz> I NEED ZEND EXPERT!!!!!!!!!!!
<zomg> <blink>that so</blink>
<DASPRiD> <marquee>what for?</marquee>
<zomg> <font size="1337">Please ask your question on the channel, not in my PM</font>
<zomg> I really, really hope his irc client actually displays html
#949797 +(1134)- [X]
<@cougem> at 4am this morning i got a call from another hospital saying they were sending in a patient with a hole in their aorta
<@cougem> which as emergencies go is about 1 level below 'his head has fallen off'
#949802 +(336)- [X]
<hq1> i promised myself not to touch java EVER in my life again, i'd rather drive a taxi
#949924 +(-63)- [X]
<Grimhound> You know. You'd think that the human body, being the product of millions of years of evolution, would eventually learn to dull pain when it becomes a chronic thing.
<ryzorg> that seems true
<@AndrewPH> that would be counter productive
#949959 +(3335)- [X]
<DevXen> Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action figure that said "Choking Hazard." It was great.
#950581 +(1651)- [X]
< Ergo^> Six Stages of Debugging
< Ergo^> 1. That can't happen.
< Ergo^> 2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
< Ergo^> 3. That shouldn't happen.
< Ergo^> 4. Why does that happen?
< Ergo^> 5. Oh, I see.
< Ergo^> 6. How did that ever work?
< MatthewWilkes> 7. svn blame
< miniwark> 8. one day we will write tests
#950832 +(588)- [X]
<benjameno> how do i catch autism
<benjameno> i've tried speaking esperanto and using free open source software but it doesn't seem to be working
#950879 +(278)- [X]
* Andaith has changed topic for #warble to: "Drought in the UK means: It's still raining, but not as much as we'd like."
#950902 +(789)- [X]
<TrailMix> Sorry Santorum, you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term.
#950920 +(1153)- [X]
<Uprising> I just want to work somewhere that actually counts
<jamesstanley> try the office for national statistics
#950944 +(714)- [X]
<Toba> i like my coffee like i like my women: earthy, french, and on my desk at work
<nightshroud> But be careful or you may end up with burning pain on your lap area.
#950977 +(960)- [X]
<hextasy> so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
#951001 +(1302)- [X]
<@Kropotkin> I hate looting corpses for anything other than an upgrade. I usually just loot the gold and small items... just feels more realistic to do that than strip someone naked all the time. I mean, this is Skyrim, not Baltimore.
#951040 +(238)- [X]
<mjew1> new speakers showed up
<mjew1> gotta figure out how im gonna wire them up
<bunni> you put + in to +, and - in to -
<mjew1> i know that
<bunni> dont mix them up, otherwise the audio would be backwards
<mjew1> fuck you
#951043 +(-99)- [X]
< pthreads> dude, I haven't even had a fucking oven for a year
< pthreads> we move in 2 weeks to a place that has an oven finally
<@sakuramboo> but, you live in germany
<@sakuramboo> after WW2, ovens are hard to find
#951096 +(308)- [X]
<izi_> I like my servers like I like my women. monochrome and text only.
#951217 +(404)- [X]
<i_c-Y> im not just hard. im np hard, baby.
#951260 +(596)- [X]
<mgodzilla> I was a r&d micro electronics engineer tech. in my youth.
* mgodzilla designed this dc to dc power supply they put on a satellite
* mgodzilla sent the satellite into orbit and lost contact w/ it
<Elephark> at least it was powered
<mgodzilla> they said it was mostly likely due to a power issue.
<mgodzilla> I was like - what are you lookin' at me for?!?
#951292 +(-36)- [X]
xGrill: SQL is like the chess of the programming world
#951317 +(952)- [X]
<ram> I got into an interesting discussion with my roommate yesterday about Quantum Romneyism
<ram> Romney holds a superposition of all political opinions until you observe him, then they collapse based on the audience.
#951402 +(738)- [X]
*** bluntonio is now known as bluntplane
<bluntplane> i have the worst goddamn neighbor on this plane
<bluntplane> dude keeps scratching his fungus-infected foot and shit
<bluntplane> and his balls
<bluntplane> and then touches his face
<bluntplane> has his legs crossed so his shoeless-foot is dangerously close to my leg (wearing shorts)
<bluntplane> i'm about to tell him if his foot touches me again we're going to have a problem
<bluntplane> in civil disobedience protest i am attempting to fart a lot
<bluntplane> he is so fucking nasty
<bluntplane> i want to stab him in the throat
<bluntplane> a lot
<bluntplane> as in, i both want a lot to stab him in the throat
<bluntplane> and i would like to stab him in the throat a lot
<bluntplane> i would also be okay if he died of aids
<bluntplane> or anything else other than a plane crash
<bluntplane> but most especially by a stab to the throat
<bluntplane> oh and he is now picking his nose
<bluntplane> oh fuck me
<bluntplane> here is the crown jewel
<bluntplane> dude just went into the bathroom in his socks
<bluntplane> THIS NASTY MOTHERFUCKER
<bluntplane> I HOPE YOU DIE
<bluntplane> i would piss in this guy's face if i could
<bluntplane> i would piss in his wife
<bluntplane> YEA KEEP PICKING THAT FUCKER AND WIPING ON YOUR PANTS
<bluntplane> MAYBE YOU WILL FIND SOME SHAME UP IN THERE
<bluntplane> if i murder this fuck, will you guys kick in for bail ?
<bluntplane> also, is "he needed killing" a valid defense ?
<bluntplane> and finally, if I murder him on the plane while in the air, what state has jurisdiction ?
*** Signoff: bluntplane (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
<nordberg> so.. is bluntonio in jail?
<nordberg> cause... I'll totally chip for bail
#951697 +(804)- [X]
<m0bi_work> what is the "care for the comfort of a dying person" called
<Chaosbreaker> Microsoft terminal service
#951798 +(676)- [X]
<LocalDescriptorTable> Hey Russia I just met you and this is crazy but our space agency is broke launch our shit maybe?
#952942 +(822)- [X]
<dr2chase> As I said to someone else, back when the Lite-Brite Mooninites panicked the Boston Police, the first rule of making a bomb, is to not make it look like a bomb.
<dr2chase> That's why IEDs get buried, stuffed into dead dogs, what have you. Around here, if you wanted to hide a bomb in plain sight, you'd stick it in a crumpled Dunkin Donuts bag.
<anony> Isn't a Dunkin Donuts bag the first place a cop would look?
#952943 +(602)- [X]
* dagdamor psychs himself up to play "which cable goes where" and "why is this cable routed like this?" ahead of a switch stack replacement
<dagdamor> deja vu etc
<evil_steve> you can generally tell if it's important.
<evil_steve> either a) all the phone start ringing at once, or b) all the phones go silent at once
#952948 +(1005)- [X]
<gmaxwell> 1960: "I have a great idea! lets have every person in the country carry a radio tracking beacon!" "That'll never fly!" 2012: "I can has TWO iphones??"
#952951 +(1112)- [X]
<zalzane> I wonder how long it will end up taking for all this pony shit to blow over
<Mutagene> too long
<pkmnBlue> 2 years
<zalzane> sailor moon took like 10 years
<zalzane> and every once in awhile I still hear fags harp about sailor moon
<pkmnBlue> SAILOR MOON IS AWESOME
<Mutagene> sailor moon was good though :(
<pkmnBlue> Kuraitou: SAILOR MOON
<zalzane> oh my fucking god
#952952 +(1051)- [X]
< CoJaBo> Update: The object seen landing near Gale Crater on MSD 49,269 at around 05:50:16 AMT local time has been conclusively identified by the Martian Space Agency to be a weather balloon. Due to possible radioactive contamination, Mars citizens are forbidden to approach Gale Crater until further notice.
#953085 +(-37)- [X]
<swarthy15> I'm sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare
#953150 +(81)- [X]
<rad_ed> NOOOOOO i didn't want to do that no no no no
<rad_ed> i added honey boo boo to my google news section
<rad_ed> no no no no how do i undo
#953205 +(247)- [X]
*** valinhorn has joined #oregoons
<coyo7e> Immediately, she realizes that Christian Grey is not some ancient forty-year old dude, practically crumbling to dust atop his icy blonde empire, but a very hot young man:
<coyo7e> So young - and attractive, very attractive. He's tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.
<coyo7e> That... is one hell of a tie. I'm going to have to ask someone, please, look into the kindness and the goodness of your soul and photoshop me a picture of a black tie with Robert Pattinson's hair and eyes stuck on it, gazing at me shrewdly.
*** valinhorn left #oregoons 
#953373 +(435)- [X]
(~roopurt) there is an article on the washington post "why is the arab world so easily offended"
(~roopurt) i think it might offend the arab world
(~roopurt) but really
(~roopurt) one person puts up a youtube video and they riot and kill
(~roopurt) the rest of world didnt come after canada after justin biebers last video
#953413 +(4359)- [X]
<%wgluv2hunt> I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
<%wgluv2hunt> I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
<%wgluv2hunt> So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> That's all I remember.
#953518 +(2481)- [X]
<No_One> Damn my land mine collection is gone.
<No_One> Also so is my shed
<No_One> That's gonna be fun in the morning
15 minutes later.
<No_One> Fuck afk police pulled in
<Dwarf> have fun
10 minutes later.
<No_One> Someone broke into my shed
<No_One> They won't do that again
3 hours later.
<No_One> Can I be charged with criminal negligence even if the said deceased person used bolt cutters to access something that killed them?
<noregister> I doubt it
#954101 +(39)- [X]
<Maastonakki> we are sending hamburgers to space now
<Maastonakki> not sure if I want to live on this planet anymore
<@r4w> especially if all the burgers are in space!
#954103 +(70)- [X]
<Mikael_Kreoss> reading the "stupid shit you believed as a kid" thread
<Mikael_Kreoss> it owns
<Mikael_Kreoss> reminded me of the time as a kid I saw a pic of the pope's bubble car thing
<Mikael_Kreoss> and thought it was meant to keep him in
<Mikael_Kreoss> like he was a monster or w/e
<Mikael_Kreoss> on display
<Mikael_Kreoss> "WE CAUGHT THE POPE" and then celebration time
#954104 +(16)- [X]
<Sheep> Cat owners - Do you ever find that you're stroking your cat and suddenly everything feels like a tasty chicken dinner?
#954106 +(11)- [X]
<[k]> you got a vivid imagination, like me.
<[k]> i can respect that
<HardDisk> you have no idea the stuff I've done
<HardDisk> [k], have you ever been so stoned that if you were jerking off while eating a kitkat then all of a sudden you feel a salty taste in your mouth and because your so high at this point you cant tell whether the kitkat chocolate bar was expired or if that if you creamed into your mouth without noticing?
#954111 +(20)- [X]
<@Steempy> Any lettuce that isn't iceberg needs to fuck off back to Russia
<@Steempy> Goddamn communist hipster lettuce