#875653 +(83)- [X]
<Facade> Vista is like an extra thick condom. More safe but slightly less fun....
<Facade> Hah, even viruses have compatibility issues >_<
#875655 +(2622)- [X]
<rizerz> A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
<rizerz> can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
<rizerz> looking for work in six weeks.'
<rizerz> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
<rizerz> person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
<rizerz> A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
<rizerz> can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
<rizerz> them both looking for work in two weeks.'
<rizerz> A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We
<rizerz> took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and
<rizerz> now half the country is looking for work.
#875656 +(-1766)- [X]
<Zuuzou> hello everyone
<pronto> hi, im masturbating
<pronto> how are you?
* coldvodka kills a kitten
* pronto eats that kitten
<coldvodka> cat, the other white meat
<pronto> baby, the other other white meat
#875691 +(-933)- [X]
<ditte> my parents had a girl about my age
#875703 +(3875)- [X]
<speedycowboy> What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
<speedycowboy> Gang rape.
#876114 +(1291)- [X]
<@blackbart> lol this guy was showing me his new phone at work the other day
<@blackbart> so while i was looking at it i changed his contact entry for his dad to my number
<@blackbart> just got a call from him and answered with "hello son, i dont love you and your adopted"
<@blackbart> cant stop laughing
#876336 +(332)- [X]
<ExaltedRage05> I replied to a video comment on youtube, and I got this message back:
<ExaltedRage05> "this is takeley bruv wat is u sayin bout me wat da fuck is facepalm bruv yeah but no but i aint done nuthin"
#876463 +(1470)- [X]
<@vorien> Finally fixed the bot to do real-time language translation, check it out.
<@vorien> lum, translate to spanish I am unable to accept a position at this time with your company. Thank you for your interest but I am an english speaking individual.
<@lum> vorien: :(
<@vorien> lum, translate to spanish I am unable to accept a position at this time with your company.
<@lum> vorien: :(
<@vorien> lum, translate to spanish I like donkeys for sexual purposes.
<@lum> vorien: Tengo gusto de los burros para los propůsitos sexuales.
#877038 +(2461)- [X]
<Fyad> When I bought siemens cellphone, siemens sold its cellular section. When I bought yakumo screen, yakumo got bunkrupt. When I bought fujitsu-siemens laptop, siemens sold its share.
<Fyad> Just curious what to buy next...
#877115 +(268)- [X]
WiTriDi: hmm so he got even more raged than you
Searanger: k thnx bye
WiTriDi: your leaving me
WiTriDi: i will not stand for this
WiTriDi: how can we keep our relationship alive
WiTriDi: if you keep ignoring me
WiTriDi: are you even listening
WiTriDi: GOD I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I TRY
Searanger: i go to the washroom for 1 minute
Searanger: and u serve me divorce papers
#877181 +(444)- [X]
<@stuartf> I just went and got a coke, the machine is one of the ones
with the conveyor belt in it and there was already a coke on
<@stuartf> if you buy anything to the left of the drink on the belt you
get what's already on the belt and your drink is left there
<@stuartf> if you buy anything to the right you get your drink and the
one on the belt remains
<@stuartf> if you drop another drink on the one that's already on the
belt the output is undefined
<@[M]oon> classic divide by coke error
<@PowerOfCheese[w]> this is a classic coke-in-the-middle attack
<@[M]oon> trojan coke
<@PowerOfCheese[w]> diet coke injection attack
<@Edgar_work> damnit, I wanted a water and got pinapple fanta
<@[M]oon> ahh. it got edgar
#877429 +(632)- [X]
<Shift_Wreck> corenominal, ever seen this quote? "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
<corenominal> Shift_Wreck: I think I may have seen that once or twice :)
<Shift_Wreck> I have it tattoo'd across my forehead.
<Shift_Wreck> im thinking of having it removed.
#877430 +(4778)- [X]
<richcollins> christ how long does a reboot take
<w3wsrmn> took him 3 days
#877518 +(1676)- [X]
<lulzngigulz> there was this kid i met
<lulzngigulz> and apparently he likes me a lot, but luckily, he lives far away
<lulzngigulz> how do i tell him to move on?
<WTFchristianOMG> ok, here's what you do
<WTFchristianOMG> pretend you have a bf
<WTFchristianOMG> that's the gentle way to do it
<WTFchristianOMG> "Yeah, you can meet John! He's so awesome!"
<WTFchristianOMG> or, alternatively, talk about how hot other guys are
<WTFchristianOMG> that happened to me, it took me two days to figure out i was being told to take a hike
<lulzngigulz> hey christian
<lulzngigulz> i think we should hang out
<lulzngigulz> you can meet andrew, he's so cool
<lulzngigulz> but first i want to tell you about luke, he's so hot
#877630 +(3732)- [X]
< billn> so pizza hut has that field in the online order form, for special instructions?
< billn> I put 'driver must beat box.'
< billn> turns out, he could.
#877640 +(168)- [X]
[Seth] Ow. That fucking hurt. >:|. There was this giant snowball, like the size of a football. And it was set perfectly like a football to be kicked.
[Seth] So being the genius I am, I kicked it. The thing was fucking solid ice with some snow on the outside. >:\
[NooGe] Reminds me of charlie brown.
#877645 +(1293)- [X]
mrspeak3r: i vnc'd from my work box to my home box
mrspeak3r: then remote-desktop'd from my home box to my work box.
mrspeak3r: It was like my desktop was the front man in an 80s music video.
mrspeak3r: except it was a video that lasted 10 seconds and crashed 2 computers.
#877752 +(323)- [X]
<Kuros> So this guy was selling Final Fantasy 7 on craigslist for $500
<Sniper_Wolf> hahahaha wow
<Kuros> so i just made another ad there with that dudes number
<Kuros> selling the game for $20
#877811 +(1632)- [X]
<Spiff-Johnson> So i bought a shirt from express men.. does that make me gay?
<cool4dude> no, the fact that you have sex with men makes you gay
<cool4dude> the shirt just makes you a stereotype
#877975 +(2101)- [X]
<LifeIsGood2u> I got the worst fortune after having a condom break
<LifeISGood2u> "Even the smallest leak can sink a ship"
<Incubor> Damn Asian Cookies
#879056 +(648)- [X]
<kaber> My buddy just got a divorce. they had 4 kids. she met some new guy and she thinks she'll have it better with him
<kaber> so the women leave thinking it's greener on the other side and what not.. and they usually end up getting shafted even more
<tomalak> kaber: I think that's the point.
#879548 +(1572)- [X]
ipatchphd: i knew someone named april may
ipatchphd: and when her mom was angry shed say
ipatchphd: YOU BETTER MARCH APRIL MAY
#879746 +(1816)- [X]
Dun fck wit meh: when muslim women come to my door i talk to them through the mail slot, see how they like it
#880081 +(939)- [X]
<Ndi> i have a local lan at work
<Ndi> and it has a nat
<Ndi> and it nats to the net
<Ndi> and the net is at home
<Ndi> and I have a vpm that vpns over the net to the lan at work which is natted
<Ndi> and I have a VM here that has the ability to NAT into my real home lan
<Ndi> that can be output to the net
<Ndi> so I defined the NAT there
<Ndi> so then I have access to work
<Ndi> so the packet, you see, from 192.168.88.3 to 192.168.3.22 is output, and then gets routed to 192.168.88.2, then 88.1, then my IP, then to my gateway, then net, then the work gateway then to the VPN device, then to the local gateway, then to the target pc.
<Ndi> i wonder if I can get tech support for this.
#880248 +(1844)- [X]
<Hitchhiker> Gotta catch 'em all!
<marik7772003> gonorrhea, i choose you
<ManInBlack> GO GET 'EM, HIV!
<Hitchhiker> Herpes, fire attack!
<ManInBlack> HIV IS EVOLVING
<ManInBlack> CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR HIV HAS BECOME AIDS!
#880252 +(-109)- [X]
jessejames: i love pooping
jessejames: it is so relaxing
CutiePieNerd: your so strange
jessejames: no like all guys like pooping
jessejames: it like theonly time we can relax without being nagged by the women
jessejames: cuz they are all afraid of poop
#880256 +(929)- [X]
<johno> yeh not alot just finished cleaning and doin laundry.
<jess> hahaha ok
<johno> theres no women around for me to yell at them to do it so i have to be the last resort
<johno> i yell at myself to do it
<johno> hit myself around the room
<johno> then start sobbing as i mop the floor with my bloodied hair
<jess> wtf seriously who the fuck are you
<jess> thats fucked up who says that shit
<johno> yeah good point the blood WOULD make the floor worse.
quit: johno (teaching that bitch how to clean properly)
#880263 +(518)- [X]
chupathingy: When in Rome, nail a deity to a piece of wood
#880294 +(809)- [X]
%^tiNee^ takes aubz credit card and slides it between aubz's butt cheeks
[&goat] what do you mean denied
[&goat] aubz' ass takes everything
#880444 +(1024)- [X]
PROTOtype2k6: Hey Fel you know the difference between Michael phelps and Hitler?
Felathan: no clue proto.
PROTOtype2k6: At least Michael Phelps could finish a race.
#881349 +(1910)- [X]
<@Xenon> You know what the best feeling in the world is?
<@Xenon> It is when you have a headache, and you take pills, and you can feel the pain becoming less and less every couple of minutes
<@Xenon> It's so satisfying
<@malevolence> you've clearly never been laid
#881368 +(1013)- [X]
Enetheru: Freud... he'd have a ball with that.
Enetheru: Man, I wish he was still alive.
Enetheru: "Hey Freud, I want to introduce you to 4chan."
Enetheru: "Say Hi, 4chan."
Enetheru: Freud wouldn't be able to do enough coke to keep up.
#881377 +(401)- [X]
<Garou> ok, I need hot sandwich ideas
<Garou> I got Ruben/Buffalo Chicken Burger/Meatball
<West> chicken ranch
<Rail> philly cheesesteak
<Garou> hrm philly cheesesteak
<Garou> good one, I'll put that one down
<Shinji> Garou: Larry King, Oprah, John Goodman.
<Garou> Those are Sandwichs?
<Shinji> No, it's a sandwich.
<Shinji> And boy, is it a hot one.
#881388 +(4234)- [X]
Helrich: so i was at the diner this morning, and i was really hungry.
Helrich: i got a big plate of scrambled eggs and started eating them super fast
Helrich: when i stopped to breathe, half the plate was gone and i shouted DOMINATING!!!
Helrich: everyone in the diner stopped what they were doing and stared at me for along time until someone from across the room shouted HUMILIATION!!!
Helrich: I gotta stop playing Quake.
#881389 +(477)- [X]
<nframe> havent been to work in forever :p
<nframe> hope I remember how it goes around here.
<aaronitis> just like riding a bike, man
<trilliongrams> ^ bring your kneepads. It will hurt a lot less.
#881393 +(2431)- [X]
<jax> I think the thing I've been most ashamed of doing with my penis
<jax> was trying to see if I could register it as a fingerprint on my laptops fingerprint scanner
<jax> JUST so I could login with a penis print
<jax> it didn't work :(
#881405 +(548)- [X]
xou: What's MMA?
syL: Mixed martial arts...basically grown men dryhumping in missonary position
#881642 +(1255)- [X]
<RAD_ED> their making a REAL obama coin
<RAD_ED> it looks retarded
<Shark500> is it made of chocolate?
#881698 +(840)- [X]
<Rav|Work> anyone want to write up a throttling FAQ for my company..
<Whisper> "Take your hands and put them either side of the bitch's throat. Shake like hell."
<Lummy> Whisper wins.
#881704 +(1092)- [X]
<Dr_Memory> I think there's a real argument to be made here that using RAID for home data storage is putting effort into the wrong end of the problem.
<Dr_Memory> when you can buy 2TB disks off the shelf, it's probably substantially simpler to just buy two of them, set up a good backup system, and reap the day-to-day simplicity benefits of one controller -> one disk -> one filesystem.
<Dr_Memory> or to put it another way: your kitten photos do not need the same high-availabity system infrastructure as Citibank's transaction databases :)
<topaz> I CAN HAS FIEV NIENS?
#881844 +(2058)- [X]
Nyoronyoden says:so yeah...I bought a fairly expensive class ring
Nyoronyoden says:but I realized I hate wearing rings
Nyoronyoden says:so I wear it on my necklace
Nyoronyoden says:...a friend of mine said "Dude, you're fucking gangster. Even your jewelry is wearing jewelry"
#882107 +(2294)- [X]
<Alucard> is the reason r2-d2 beeps so much because someone fucked up the alsa drivers?
#882294 +(454)- [X]
<@jamesG> You know those naruto headbands some people actually wear?
<@jamesG> I remember someone refering to them as "Pussy Deflectors"
<@jamesG> I laughed until I saw a female wearing one...
#882566 +(-727)- [X]
<PacMan85> fresh fl strawberries
<jedrek> strawberries aren't in season here yet
<PacMan85> well that sucks
<jedrek> not really
<jedrek> i prefer waiting a bit to living in america's hospice
#882587 +(640)- [X]
<+Lekon> Oddly enough in fable 2 I AM queerbait somehow
<+Lekon> All the gay guys in bowerstone are trying to marry my guy
<+Lekon> Its a Halo above my head, not a steering wheel for my mouth bastards.
#882628 +(536)- [X]
<LivingScarecrow> you want to emulate a chatroom irl? go to a highschool chess club and pass out guns and meth
#882667 +(-93)- [X]
<Lawlet> Take +c off
<@Blade_Serpent> What are you going to DO if I take it off
<Lawlet> Wait until no one's looking, then subject your eyes to the text equivelant of a old man vomiting lucky charms & crayola everywhere, BLade.
<T> That script should need two keys at opposite ends of the room and Congressional authorization.
#883214 +(1042)- [X]
<&Sir_Jesus> torrents are made of communism
<&Sir_Jesus> from each according to his upload speed, to each according to his download speed
#883338 +(912)- [X]
<msngchmbl> OH MY GOD
<msngchmbl> I JUST DROPPED MY XANAX INTO MY BAG OF LUCKY CHARMS
<msngchmbl> IT'S THE SAME COLOR AS THE FUCKING SHOOTING STARS
<piardog> it will be even more magically delicious now
#884279 +(728)- [X]
<Stormscape> If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.