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#777282 +(1266)- [X]

<PetTeacher> If you could fight any celebrity who would it be?
<C0pp4F33l> michael flatly
<Protegemoi> ugh... Paris Hilton definitely
<Exostetic> Stephen Hawking.

#777316 +(357)- [X]

<Lonesy> I was at the Badkarma fields when thunder strikes less than 50 feet from me
<Lonesy> God's way of saying "I see what you did there"

#777323 +(3400)- [X]

<redwyre> kez said you you are a whiney bitch
<TraumaPony> Haha
<redwyre> and that you smell
<TraumaPony> Heh
<redwyre> and that you're gay
<TraumaPony> Lol
<redwyre> and that you like visual basic
<TraumaPony> THAT CUNT

#777465 +(740)- [X]

<Coyote27> They see me chocoboin'
<Coyote27> they be hatin'
<Coyote27> tryin' to catch me ridin' birdy

#777540 +(464)- [X]

<a> OS X is POSIX, isn't it?
<b> yea.. without letters P and I

#777977 +(19245)- [X]

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

#778027 +(-207)- [X]

<@Pugh> i'm gonna make a media player that plays EVERYTHING, for FREE, and can rip to EVERY common type of media without DRM.
<@Pugh> I shall call it........hammertime

#778098 +(379)- [X]

Sam: what is flash like from your PoV as a proper programmer?
Pete: flash is like if java, C# and visual basic had a threesome
Pete: and did not use protection

#778189 +(1125)- [X]

<Glen> hi, I am explorer.exe. sometimes when you are doing anything at all, I will just freeze for ten minutes. All of my brother and sister windows will also freeze, because they are sad for me. Maybe we will come back, maybe not, it will be a surprise!
<Alex> Ohh the suspense
<Glen> it is like a thriller novel
<Alex> A race against time
<Glen> a twisted web of deceit
<Glen> a woman without a past, a detective without a future
<Glen> a file browsing application without proper thread isolation

#778259 +(869)- [X]

<stratouk> ATI cards are like buses...
<stratouk> They're huge, red and have bad drivers.

#778335 +(512)- [X]

(JMulder) Guys.
(JMulder) Help me out here.
(JMulder) I am on a quest to find that horribly traumatizing anthro style painting of the twins from The Matrix having sex with eachother.
(JMulder) It was horrible and I take no pleasure in trying to find it again, but it is of utmost importance.

#778409 +(1548)- [X]

<parucha> So the other night I can't sleep, so I go downstairs and pour a bowl of cereal and decide I'll eat it in my room while I watch Conan.
<parucha> After I pour my cereal, I turn the lights back off and it's pitch black as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom.
<parucha> By the way, I'm only wearing a pair of silk shorts.
<parucha> So I'm trying to balance my bowl of cereal in the dark so I don't spill, thinking I'm doing okay. When I reach the top of the stairs, the bowl tips and I feel it spill all over my shorts.
<parucha> So I walk back downstairs to grab a rag and clean up. I find a roll of paper towels and I pick up all the cereal inside it and walk downstairs to throw it away and put my bowl in the sink.
Then I start to clean up the milk on the floor and on my shorts.
<parucha> Well this is near my parents' bedroom, and as I'm cleaning, I hear them having sex. Being male, I start to get an erection at the sounds of sex, despite the fact that I know it's my parents having the sex.
<parucha> So I try to tune it out and hurry up with the spilt milk. In the midst of all this, I start to have a coughing fit. A result of being a smoker.
<parucha> A minute later, my mom opens her bedroom door - wrapped in a blanket - and sees me standing there with an erection bulging through my shorts, which are still wet with a seeping liquid, and a paper towel in my hand dripping white stuff, all outside her bedroom door where she and my dad were just having sex.
<parucha> I've never thought seriously about running away from home until that night.

#778457 +(1913)- [X]

<g[b]> moooooooooootherfucker
<Firas> ...
<Firas> g[b]: before that punchline we need the setup, e.g. "what do you call a cow with an oedipus complex", etc.

#778467 +(409)- [X]

[Kradical] NANOG = North American Network Operators Group
[Kradical] an organization of ISPs and NSPs (ISPs of ISPs) that is highly influential on how the internet operates
[Kara] :o
[Kara] I thought the internet ran on 4chan and porn.

#778521 +(2302)- [X]

Rude: wicked story tho..this morning i'm sitting at the mc donalds i normally do having coffee and such, and this middle-aged fat guy who always comes in around the same time i do walks in
Rude: (and this guy's a fucking dick, I hate him just from hearing him talk to the kids working)
Rude: so he orders his meal, and when they put it all on the tray, he puts the back of his hand right into the fries and practically explodes.. "THESE FRIES ARE COLD, THEYRE ALWAYS FUCKING COLD WHEN YOU SERVE THEM, I WANT FRESH ONES"
Rude: so they apologize, take the fries away and after a few minutes I see them put some more fries on his tray...dumbass puts his hand right into it again, but these fries were RIGHT out of the frier, and the stupid fuck completely burns the back of his hand and shrieks like a fucking girl
Rude: I laughed so fucking hard at him, and he turns to me cradling his raw hand and yells WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT KID
Rude: at this point i'm laughing so hard i can only point at his hand and keep laughing
Rude: dipshit storms out and the kids working even gave me his fucking food

#778807 +(315)- [X]

Ademska: ....okay so is P. Diddy now just Diddy?
honestly x okay: I have no clue
honestly x okay: I can't follow all his names
Ademska: first he was Sean "Puffy" Combs, then Puff Daddy, then P Diddy, now Diddy
Ademska: next he is just going to be a syllable
Ademska: "Duh"

#778845 +(693)- [X]

deusnoctum> I love online pharmacy spam that offer "discrete shipping."  Does that mean they ship every pill individually?

#779013 +(2113)- [X]

schala: ... youve never had a pap smear.
schala: Let me explain
schala: they make you lay on a cold hospital bed with your legs like whee and then they shove a whoops in your wahoo and make it go zweep and then it goes weeeeeem and then they poke your weebleweebles and then you're done
danni: -Blinks.-
danni: Explain that in ENGLISH?!
schala: I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A METAL CHIP CLIP

#779288 +(4408)- [X]

<TRG> so, my mom was putting in her CD with church pics but it wouldn't work on her computer
<TRG> so she put it in mine
<TRG> now, the last thing I watched on windows media player was hardcore lesbian porn
<TRG> that got into the action right away
<TRG> so my mom puts in the cd into my computer
<TRG> opens up windows media players
<TRG> and the porn starts playing
<TRG> and when I realized what was happening I was like "oh fuck"
<TRG> but then...
<TRG> she goes berserk
<TRG> she was screaming "THIS CD HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!"
<TRG> and she took out a HAMMER
<TRG> and smashed the fucking CD
<TRG> it was the best thing ever
<TRG> not only was I completely off the hook
<TRG> you have to love the awesome displays of religious apeshit
<TRG> I think if god existed, he put people like my mom on this earth to entertain us

#779320 +(1782)- [X]

<dsully> please describe web 2.0 to me in 2 sentences or less.
<jwb> you make all the content. they keep all the revenue.

#779456 +(813)- [X]

<falafel> i'm about done with this sodacan castle around my computer monitor
<falafel> well atleast the right wing
<falafel> i still have the top to defend and get some cover over the left flank
<falafel> and i have to do it quickly before the mentos monsters complete the building of their military base

#779476 +(-178)- [X]

xl DJ DFeNCe lx: Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Make me a sandwich,
Or your eye will be too.

#779709 +(1661)- [X]

<jimnathan> fuck fuck fuck... why does bash.org keep posting those roses are red bastardizations?
<jimnathan> newsflash!! theyre not funny
<jimnathan> the only way it could possibly get worse is if someone made a poem like that completely in 1337
<Fraeon> R0535 4R3 R3D, V10l375 4R3 BLU3, 1337 P037RY 5UCK5, BU7 50 D0 Y0U?

#780063 +(562)- [X]

<DusK> python is pretty easy to learn
<DusK> you write pseudocode, and you indent it correctly :)

#780779 +(617)- [X]

<wretched> I started doing crystal meth for the weight loss, now I just enjoy stealing cars...

#780868 +(3165)- [X]

<DrEechmen>  So... earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'gee, the danged animal is so darned easily amused'... and then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

#780971 +(980)- [X]

<BlackMage> The name Benjamin comes from the hebrew "son of my right hand"
<BlackMage> If I ever donate sperm, I'm attaching a rider that says the kid needs to be named ben if it's a boy

#781115 +(518)- [X]

Ang3lClds82776: no, seriously, what is the difference btwn a graphics processor and a graphics accelerator??
Philmj88: Well, to give you an idea....a graphics processor is like an artist....
Philmj88: a graphics accelerator is like an autistic kid with a paintbrush...

#781139 +(939)- [X]

<Personman> So pieces of binary information are bits...
<Personman> And ternary ones are trits...
<Personman> But that's far enough, I think.
<Personman> When we get to base 4, we should call it quits.

#781256 +(871)- [X]

<monkeytwizzler> i just tried plugging a serial->ps2 into a ps2->usb1 in order to plug a usb mouse into a laptop with a serial port
<monkeytwizzler> that was like 11 years of technology in one plugin

#782342 +(994)- [X]

KompRa: dude, my girlfriend dumped me yesterday..
Ryan808: itll be fine man
KompRa: i got so angry last night i went to her girlfriend and i fucked her all night long
KompRa: and the sad thing.. it was on April Fools' Day
Ryan808: komp, i think your ex was just messin wit you on the breakup thing, april fools
Ryan808: i think u should verify that :\
KompRa: holy shit

#782390 +(2069)- [X]

<d> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<d> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<d> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<g> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
<d> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.

#782459 +(1494)- [X]

<RobertDylan> "Physics is to math as sex is to masturbation"
<zwei> i am so much better at math than physics
<zwei> wait
<zwei> fuck

#782598 +(744)- [X]

<Erpegisson> ASCII and ye shall be ANSI.
<Tentacled> UTF??

#782656 +(394)- [X]

<Sapient> hey guys
<Westovski> Hey Sap, wanna do a knock-knock joke?
<Sapient> err, ok
<Westovski> you start
<Sapient> k
<Sapient> knock knock
<Westovski> who's there?
<Sapient> ...

#782660 +(886)- [X]

<Mercestes> ...omg, that reminds me...I made a faux pas at work..:(
<Mercestes> My boss was talking about this new "religious video game."  (he's catholic).
<Mercestes> and I went off on a tangent and I was like, "oh...wow, what happens when you lose?"
<Mercestes> and he turned his back and I threw out my arms like I was on a cross and went "Game Over!"
<Mercestes> and my other co=workers were like, "OMG!  I forbid you to do that ever again!" and he turned back around and went "what'd I miss?"
<Mercestes> no one would tell him.
<Mercestes> and then when it got quiet, I went "Continue?" and everyone started laughing again.

#782736 +(1549)- [X]

evilada: agh, i'm watching this jesus camp documentary and it's horrible.
evilada: i want to burn down a church
pnkfloyd: woah woah woah
pnkfloyd: Hold on there
pnkfloyd: wait for me

#782879 +(833)- [X]

<EvilKosh> holy shit. he's blending the iphone while it's playing will it blend. that's so meta.
<jdk> does anything not blend?
<EvilKosh> Jews and Palestinians

#783472 +(1382)- [X]

<@Aaron> It's really simple to watch a move, just open the console, and type "
<@Aaron> ffmpeg -i "$(find ~/.mozilla -regex '.*Cache.*' -a -not -regex \
<@Aaron>   '.*_CACHE_.*' -printf '%T+ %p\n' | \
<@Aaron>   sort -n | awk '{ print $2 }' | xargs file | \
<@Aaron>   grep -i "Video" | tail -1 | awk -F : '{ print $1 }')" \
<@Aaron>   -vcodec msmpeg4v2 -b 200 -ab 64 -ar 22050 -s 320x240 \
<@Aaron>   /tmp/video.avi
<@Aaron> ANYONE CAN DO IT

#784313 +(738)- [X]

FrmShft:i got annoyed at myspace today for trying to tell me about fantastic new job opportunities in my area, which happened to be a zipcode off
FrmShft:thinking to short out its idiot-circuits, i told it i was interested in "prostitution" in kansas
FrmShft:i cried when it came back with 12 different listings for "web designer"

#784746 +(227)- [X]

<Sniffer> fucking emos'
<KFAD> Emoses?
<KFAD> Was he the one who parted the binary seas?

#785529 +(3062)- [X]

gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern".

#785888 +(779)- [X]

* lloy0076 ponders
< lloy0076> If I take the source code, which is under GPLv2, and translate it from C to Perl (changing it only to fit the new language)...I wonder if the GPL covers that translation I made...
< cafuego> converting C to perl is covered by the death penalty, i believe

#785919 +(959)- [X]

<Garf> Wikipedia! you go to look up a CSS term..
<Garf> and you end up reading about Spanish painters and astronaut micrometeorite protection
<Liquid> tabbed browsing will be the death of the human race

#785961 +(769)- [X]

<peer`> I cut off gummy bear heads and put them over the LED's on my keybaord
<peer`> now I have glowing gummy bear heads

#786086 +(1121)- [X]

<sano_> argh
<sano_> i just wrote a backup script
<sano_> and then i overwrote it
<sano_> and i dont have a backup of it

#786116 +(2285)- [X]

<Hara> The old USSR had one single time zone too. They had a hammer and sickle in the ground near the Kremlin and used it like a sundial.
<Hara> Arguments raged for years as to what to call the timezone
<Hara> Moscow Time?
<Hara> Comrade Time?
<Hara> In the end they all agreed.
<Hara> Hammer Time.

#786351 +(893)- [X]

<M> Almost got smacked today - saw a bright green truck and said, "Hey, look, it's Optimus Lime."

#786376 +(697)- [X]

tedivm: bush is having a colonoscopy on saturday so cheney is president for the day
menzoberranzan31: they are looking for his head

#786759 +(1513)- [X]

<@Thrawn> They did a test in our local riot police lately
<@Thrawn> You know, the one where you have to put creatively shaped wooden pegs in corresponding holes
<@Thrawn> Turns out they have 2 kinds of persons in our riot police
<@Thrawn> Very stupid persons
<@Thrawn> And very strong persons


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