#737903 +(485)- [X]
<Aust> I was playing a groove jazz jam at a coffee shop, and a group of mentally handicapped kids walked in. One of them ran right to the middle of us and started dancing all crazy. He was dressed like an Native American. Like, battle rags... It was fuckiing awesome. He danced for like 20 minutes. We all danced with him.
#737918 +(418)- [X]
Steve: I wish the bash mods would hurry up and reject my quotes.
#737948 +(592)- [X]
<@norman> so, how many dates do you have to go on before it changes from assault to domestic violence
#738052 +(301)- [X]
<Hawaiian_Pig> that reminds me... if i ever get the chance to write something on a bomb, it'd have to be an ascii wang.
#738098 +(909)- [X]
Kanishka: The vagina has 3 holes right?
Kanishka: Yeah it does; one for the dick and two for the balls
Sahil: No you fucking dumbass, there aren't three holes
Kanishka: Then where do the balls go in?
#738146 +(550)- [X]
<osx5> question is there an irc server that has mostly mac users on it?
<Eulogy> i hope to god not.
<osx5> lol, why
<Eulogy> that much arrogance would cause the universe to collapse on itself.
#738421 +(356)- [X]
<Ken|JLime> Jtag_me If you want a challenge, learn the emacs short commands
<Ken|JLime> I'll stick to medical school myself
<Ken|JLime> Its like CTRL-XYWZQFGUJ-F1 (while pressing F2).. and it walks your dog
#738576 +(150)- [X]
ET: Bash.org is moderated
Lily: yeah. xD
ET: that stuff has to be approved
ET: if Bash.org is moderated, what the hell kinda stuff doesn't make the cut?
#738703 +(365)- [X]
<jms> maybe I can do it in java
<jms> but that sounds as pleasant as cheesegrating my testicles
#738715 +(1209)- [X]
Anti: Physics is like sex, it has practical results but that's not why we do it
RaefWolfe: Physics is like sex: I just don't get it
#738780 +(481)- [X]
yuseisays: I got one! I got one!
yuseisays: What do you call children that are born in whore houses?
yuseisays: BROTHEL SPROUTS
yuseisays: oh crap, wrong persoin
#738798 +(47)- [X]
H2SO4Baddie: it's a good thing easter isn't on groundhog day, cuz then jesus'd come out of his tomb, see his shadow, go back in and we'd have 6 more weeks of winter
#738913 +(321)- [X]
<Rx> I am eating hot dogs that have little bits of cheese inside the frankfurter
<Rx> It is amazing.
<Rx> I am sure this must be an american invention
<Rx> but it's like a man who ejaculates cream cheese is having sex in my mouth with a beautiful pork woman
#738918 +(2416)- [X]
<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!
#738981 +(1009)- [X]
<Bus> y = |x|
<JaxomZero> thats thinking positive
#739002 +(337)- [X]
MisterMunshun: I used to be a telemarketer, working for the Shriners. I'd call people up and try and get them to sponsor a group of needy and handicapped kids from the Shriner's hospitals to go see the circus.
MisterMunshun: One night, i'm making my calls, and i come to this name on one of my sheets
MisterMunshun: "Mrs. Pucci"
MisterMunshun: I'm making the calls before it, but i'm just going through the motions, because in my head, over and over, i'm thinking
MisterMunshun: DON'T SAY PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY IT'S POO-CHI POO-CHI NOT PUSSY DON'T SAY PUSSY
MisterMunshun: So, I dial her up
MisterMunshun: She answers
MisterMunshun: "Hello, Mrs. Pussy?"
MisterMunshun: everyone in the office immediately bursts into laughter, and i just fucking deflate.
MisterMunshun: I can't fucking apologize because everyone is laughing, which is making ME laugh.
MisterMunshun.: And it wouldn't have mattered anyway, she'd already fucking hung up.
Jake: and you were fired
#739009 +(-58)- [X]
<NightShade> you know what a vampire puts in his hot water to make tea?
<NightShade> a used tampon
#739129 +(758)- [X]
<crazymike811> infinity is simply nothing with a twist
#739354 +(54)- [X]
CharmQuark42: a math sheep?
Quillethe: it would explain the counting
CharmQuark42: it does integ-wools!
#739375 +(2713)- [X]
<Tostitos> i like my women the way i like my coffee
<Jet> Ground up and in the freezer?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> full of your cream?
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
<RaMTuFF> quiet ?
<Jet> From McDonalds?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> in a cup?
<Jet> Spilt all over your lap?
<whiteboihere> strong and black?/
<Tostitos> i hate you all
#739693 +(437)- [X]
<altus> internet diet is shitty
<altus> cookies and spam all the time
<xoroa> yea. and the cookies are totally dubious. i mean, who would eat one that expires in 2017?
#739936 +(5219)- [X]
<Turkeyslam> oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting near this group of black guys at a table and they all had tucked in shirts and shit, looked educated, I think they were studying calculus or some shit
<Turkeyslam> and across from there, there was another table with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them wore fucking grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some 50 cent ringtone or some shit
<Turkeyslam> going "yeah boiiii"
<Turkeyslam> and one of the black guys in the table next to me muttered "fucking niggers"
<Turkeyslam> I choked on my fucking jolt cola
#740127 +(352)- [X]
<sdodson> I'm trying to figure out if my neighbors have really bad rhythm or if they're hanging photos on the wall
#740137 +(2731)- [X]
what the **** is your problem?
why do you always do that?
#740552 +(404)- [X]
<+llama> just sold some vibrating panties
<+llama> $50 panties
<barryh> did you wear them 1st?
<+llama> they are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom
#740638 +(336)- [X]
<bloodfart> this homeless dude was eating a pie
<bloodfart> that someone bought him
<bloodfart> he got up to cross the road and tripped over, dropping the pie
<bloodfart> as if your life couldnt get any worse
#740656 +(584)- [X]
<Snojoe> Lemme ask you somethin
<Snojoe> If you date a two-headed chick, and you want sex, and one of them says no..
<Snojoe> is it rape?
<Gnarly> you dont have much free time, do you?
<Snojoe> Time is a factor here, man... need an answer
#740836 +(362)- [X]
<CptSage> Awesome error message
<CptSage> Best one ever
<CptSage> A network error has occured. This computer's Internet connection appears to be online. (-66559).
#741084 +(723)- [X]
arucardegungrave: Yeah, Jesus tried to save me, but there was no space on his memory card.
#741090 +(625)- [X]
<Aiko> Nothing beats the look on a 14-year-old boy's face when his older sister catches him watching femdom porn, smiles and tells him she's already seen that one.
<9874354> speaking from experience?
<Aiko> Yep. ^_^
#741216 +(64)- [X]
<Snojoe> I am a genius
<Snojoe> I just came up with a new game
<mbb102488> oh lord, what now?
<Gnarly> did you finally figure out hand + dick, joe?
<Snojoe> Bash drinking game
<Snojoe> I'm serious! go onto the random page
<Snojoe> and you take a drink for every quote of like
<Snojoe> or even goatse
<Gnarly> no, 2 for goatse
<Snojoe> uh, no... 2 drinks are reserved for every one about niggers
<Gnarly> just don't hope you randomly don't get the whole bottom list as random
<Gnarly> else you'd be fucked
#741226 +(74)- [X]
<jaMESG[champ]> you know, i always thought that i kept my desk kinda clean
<jaMESG[champ]> turning the keyboard over and tapping the back of it
<jaMESG[champ]> so much shit falls out of it
<burningpapersun> jesus fell out of your keyboard?
<jaMESG[champ]> i kicked that fucker out
<jaMESG[champ]> didn't pay rent
<jaMESG[champ]> just squatted
<jaMESG[champ]> in my keyboard
#741596 +(453)- [X]
< kakistos> lol. i liked the java compiler.
< kakistos> does the c compiler not tell you what you did wrong?
< deviant> C is great
< ewan> the Java compiler is all like "you have an uninitialised variable there, would you like a hug?"
< ewan> gcc is like "raaagh! I do no bounds-checking! Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"
#741630 +(1217)- [X]
<matt____> hey guys is there a way to patch an older redhat server??
<matt____> Linux devcvs 2.2.16-22 #1 Tue Aug 22 16:49:06 EDT 2000 i686 unknown
<Evolution> holy hell
<Evolution> just out of curiosity, what's the uptime on that antique?
<matt____> devnu11:18am up 2287 days, 2:52, 25 users, load average: 1.76, 1.26, 0.70
#741748 +(863)- [X]
<fatcat> Someone wrote <shit> on the outside of a stall door in the bathroom, and </shit> on the inside.
#741806 +(404)- [X]
<@BalefireX> you dated a sea mammal
<+Spexor_> if you ask her we never dated
<@YucA> i dunno whats worse
<@YucA> that he admits to dating a sea mammal
<@YucA> or that said sea mammal wouldnt admit to dating him
#741833 +(438)- [X]
<c-unut> pfft slipknot
<Finch > slipknot go good
<c-unut> I've always seen them sorta like anal sex
<Finch> if u want to look at it that way...
<c-unut> You know, I appreciate that some may enjoy it, and it has its moments, but at the end of the day, its still fucking shit.
#741844 +(619)- [X]
<laszlow> What would you rather wake up to at three in the morning? A dick in your mouth or a clown grinning at you from across the room?
<Neal> I can only pick one
#741856 +(1031)- [X]
<kimos> You seem (in my (humble) opinion (which doesn't mean much)) to be (or possibly could be) more of a Lisp programmer (but I could be (and probably am) wrong).
#741908 +(503)- [X]
<peerce> Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, Ill use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
#742089 +(284)- [X]
<HellDragon> why do i make the same face when i orgasm than when i go backward in my car
#742204 +(415)- [X]
<@dekkon> ive got an appointment at the eye doctor on the 13th
<@dekkon> finally going to get contacts
<@terminal_> contacts are a pain in the ass
<+jmx> terminal they go in your eyes
#742386 +(1021)- [X]
<HaX.1337> U're all lame as hell here!!!!! I can hack u all in no time! just tell me your ip and u're dead!
<Maler.home> try mine
*** Signoff: HaX.1337 (Connection reset by peer)
<Damz|dispute> wow. never thought such a retard nick can get his hands on something actually working xD
#742408 +(2592)- [X]
<Javin> We have a unit here. It's about the size of a small speaker.
<Javin> In big letters across the front of it, it says "DATA DESTROYER."
<Javin> Some idiot comes into my office just now, and asks, "hey, what is this thing?"
<Javin> I say sarcastically, "it's a DVD polisher..."
<Javin> Next thing I hear: *GRIND GRIND GRIND* "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
<Javin> Now they're pissed at ME.
<Javin> Because THEY couldn't read.
<Javin> Besides, it's not like I gave them PERMISSION to use MY "DVD Polisher."
<Javin> I hate people.
#742454 +(597)- [X]
<Mirconium>Several sequels have been announced for Gears of War
<Mirconium>The new games will include Sprockets of Peace, Pulleys of Neutrality, Fulcrums of Strife, Screws of Fixation, and Wheels of Locomotion.
#742547 +(1207)- [X]
<caddis> the hardest thing about buying a macbook is telling your parents you are gay
#742578 +(950)- [X]
<dude> this is belgium at its best
<dude> our minister of defense takes a chopper to fly 60 kms to go see Al Gore's movie about climate change
<dude> beat that
#742658 +(287)- [X]
<Rynol> Until individual protons play little quark violins.
<Zrith> I imagine attempting to play music on a quark might prove problematic.
<Zrith> You either get to figure out where you are in a song, or what the tempo is.
<Rynol> Of course, if we were talking string theory then it'd be easier, what with the inherent resonance and all.
#742745 +(442)- [X]
<SWTrilman> i'm not huge into porn
<Draken> my porn interests, no punning here, come and go
<SWTrilman> i used to be into it
<SWTrilman> i guess i just got over it
<Draken> but she looks so sweet and cute and wholesome... and then she's masturbating to turtles
<SWTrilman> or something
<Draken> eh, you get burned out on porn
<Draken> you either distance yourself for the most part, or seek out more and more extreme porn to fill the gaping hole in yourself.
<Draken> then you get arrested for raping a sheep while wearing a Spiderman costume
#742772 +(826)- [X]
<Dan_Dinh> you haven't done the review ye ?
<Spik3balloon> holy crap, dan can see into the future