#735801 +(506)- [X]
<Rattlsnak> so my mom is looking to get a f/t job where she can work till she's retired
<Rattlsnak> she's got no formal education but she used to work in an office in front of a computer
<Rattlsnak> also... she's Japanese...
<Rattlsnak> any ideas?
<RkdJehova> massage parlor
<Rattlsnak> fuck you.
* Rattlsnak has left #allnitecafe
#735802 +(15)- [X]
narutomegafan: If I become next hitler type figure, I'll make sure you get high rank.
Pilotheplane: I call the jews
Pilotheplane: u can have the blacks
narutomegafan: Sounds good.
narutomegafan: That'll get us money and weapons
#735849 +(819)- [X]
*The topic is 'English Language ONLY! That means no German or other Germanic, French or other Romanic, Latin, Leet, Spanish, Portugeese, Croatian, Binary, any Nordic or Slavic or Turkish or Klingon or any animal Language! No Singing! No inventing new languages!' (set by drt_foksie)*
<drt_foksie>: if anyone manages to find a loophole in topic now, im banning him.
#736323 +(431)- [X]
<%kastein> jack be nimble, jack be quick... I'm not an asshat so I'm not gonna finish this line
<%spock1104> jack be nimble, jack be quick, jacks a pedo and touched a young chick
<+Chronojam> She tripped, fell, landed on his dick; isn't that right Jack
<+Chronojam> Jack be nimble, Jack be quick; she tripped and fell, woke up on his dick
<+Jack> hey they're cute what do you want from me
#736337 +(1049)- [X]
<p34rl34f> i get it
#736349 +(428)- [X]
<bluefox> so someone I was talking to online
<bluefox> wants to suck my dick
<bluefox> Yesterday, they bought an apartment here in baltimore
<bluefox> and moved here
<bluefox> This is 98% creepy and 2% sexy
#736374 +(802)- [X]
<Analogy> The Voyager 1 spacecraft has travelled approximately 2.5 billion miles since the announcement of Duke Nukem Forever
#736402 +(271)- [X]
<pAth0s> anyone know what these modules are used for? ipip, ip_gre, and switch-adm?
<pAth0s> they're not loaded on my router while it's in use, hoping I can nuke em
<Krylancelo_> They control the universe.
<pAth0s> I'd imagine, but I'd gladly give up the universe for another 400k worth of space
#736510 +(475)- [X]
<Ryuusei> ok this intelligent face tracker thing is freaking me out <<
<Ryuusei> webcam keeps on following my ass
#736555 +(853)- [X]
<Willeth> well, off to bed
<Smaug> adios. you damn english and your early bedtimes.
<Willeth> pssht. it's a small price to pay for living in the future.
#736624 +(506)- [X]
Rosh: she said she has 24 h walgreen by her place
Rosh: but she doesnt know if it opens at 6.30 or 7
#736694 +(1059)- [X]
<Naruto> It's always a haunted attic, isn't it?
<Naruto> It's never a haunted toliet that explodes with water at 3am.
<Naruto> That would be the shit.
<Naruto> literally. >)
<Naruto> If I were a ghost, that's the kind of random shit I'd do.
<Naruto> I'd open the fridge and take out all the mustard.
<Naruto> Then I'd hoard it and bring it back later and put it in the dishwasher.
<Naruto> and the people would open it up "WTF?! There's 39 jars of mustard in here!"
<Naruto> and lawn flamingos
<Naruto> I would hoard those like nobody's business.
<Naruto> I'd be a fun ghost.
#736707 +(589)- [X]
<Tremens> also while getting dressed today I have come to the conclusion that I am never buying fruit of the loom underwear again.
<Tremens> something about having FTL printed all around my crotch is not the sort of message I want to convey about myself
#736762 +(68)- [X]
<[M]Kimahri[DotB]> can someone tell me a good program to burn a dvd? my wmp won't find my burner, realplayer won't open the file, my dvdburning program can't do it either
<samcobra> try a lighter
#736781 +(1167)- [X]
Niall: "There is no "I" in team." "There's no "we" either. However, there IS a "me". So piss off, you micromanaging twerp."
DMac: there's also meat
Niall: And meta.
DMac: and meta
DMac: .. meta-meat?
Niall: Transcendental sausage?
DMac: tame meta-meat
Niall: Farm-raised transcendental pigs.
DMac: tame meta-meat mate?
Niall: Female farm-raised transcendental pig.
DMac: better than mate meta-tame meat
Niall: Bestiality involving a pig raised on a transcendental farm.
DMac: team mate tame meta-meat .... /shudder
Niall: Gangbang bestiality involving a pig raised on a transcendental farm.
#736785 +(974)- [X]
<badelia> oops, i did ctrl+n instead of shift+n
<tt> wow, what does shift+n do
<badelia> uh, makes a capital n...
#736788 +(307)- [X]
< _Maber_> "Hi, my name is perl. Feed me an orange peel and some moldy bread, and I'll construct a 747 out of post-it notes."
#736794 +(664)- [X]
<BenSpinSpace> if you double major in graphic design and archaeology, could you specialize in jpeg artifacts?
#736820 +(631)- [X]
<hapry> Fuck, I just finished bash :(
<hapry> Yeah...i read it all :(
<treaty> you're officially the lamest person ever
#736856 +(57)- [X]
<+Dave2> myspace valentines messages.
<+Dave2> that sentence is 66% evil
<+Dave2> that is all
#736915 +(372)- [X]
meird: no his sister is really creepy man
hindenburg: like goth and morbid type creepy?
meird: not exactly
meird: you know how like little kids write on walls?
hindenburg: thats not that creepy
meird: it is when you wake up at 2am, and shes standing over you gripping a giant sharpy like a knife
meird: the wall was covered in the fibonacci sequence or something like that
meird: its funny how many serial killer horror movies can flash in front of your eyes in the fraction of a second
#736989 +(1105)- [X]
<Chris> man.. i've got such a bad cold, I keep gettin nosebleeds. it's awful
* Joins #aesir: -Mike0r-
<Chris> I mean, last night.. I blew my load into a tissue right
<Chris> but it just started bleeding...
<Chris> I had to pinch it to stop it, cos it bleeds for ages
<Chris> I swear one day it'll happen and i'll die from blood loss :(
* Quits: -Mik0r- (Quit: what. the. fuck. note to self, don't ever hang out with you guys.. ever)
#737035 +(960)- [X]
< fortitUs> hm.. whats a strapon? :S *innocent look*
<%relsqui> fortitUs: it's what I would use, lacking a cock, if I wanted to screw someone with one
< fortitUs> O_O
-!- fortitUs [lordogame@hide-1F17685D.singnet.com.sg] has quit [Quit: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh]
<%relsqui> oh man, I remembered that he's like 12 RIGHT after I said that
#737051 +(904)- [X]
<@xyst> perl made me angry last week.
<@xyst> so angry i wrote something in java instead.
<@ecoli> wtf could it have done to make you do that?
<@ecoli> that's like saying "hot naked women made me so angry i had to go slam my penis in a car door"
#737065 +(813)- [X]
Joe: Here's an issue I never had to worry about in CA. Does anyone know if an Hard Drive that is roughly -10C in temperature from being in the back of a UPS truck and then the porch, really dislikes being asked to spin up?
Joe: wonders if he should wait for it to warm up considerably.
MisterX: put it in the microwave for 5 seconds
Joe: Oh, thanks!
Joe: Be right back.
Joe left the chat room.
Andy: Is he serious?
#737075 +(517)- [X]
n3xg3n> weird... i just found this: Walker Texas Ranger is an anagram for Karate Wrangler Sex
#737107 +(595)- [X]
<s1um>after meeting a few girls on myspace, i think they need to put a warning on the site that says "objects on screen are larger than they appear"
#737111 +(443)- [X]
<Peanut> I reckon all cheaters caught on Steam should be given a second chance
<ska> Dude when I flush a turd I dont want it coming back up
#737114 +(291)- [X]
<JeighEighm> Tauren, why don't you just sniff the packets and find out?
<Tauren> how do i DO THAT?
<Tauren> how do I sniff packets
<JeighEighm> Tauren, okay. It's easy. Get your network cable.
<Tauren> How do I sniff?
<JeighEighm> Hold it to your nose.
<JeighEighm> Smell those packets.
#737116 +(89)- [X]
<+Rainetine> where have all the protons gone
<+Rainetine> LONG TIME PASSING
<+Rainetine> where have all the protons gone
<+Rainetine> LONG TIME AGO
<+Rainetine> where have all the protons gone
<+Rainetine> they've fused into neutrons, now we know
#737124 +(343)- [X]
<TheRedBaron> 8.5 million... from what hat did they pull that number out of?
<spldart> sniff sniff
<spldart> I don't think that's a hat
#737130 +(1207)- [X]
<Nobuyuki`> I just asked a chick why she liked tentacle porn so much
<Nobuyuki`> and she said to me "variety is the spice of life"
<Nobuyuki`> I asked her "could you be... less vague"
<Nobuyuki`> and then she said "the worms are the source of all spice"
<Nobuyuki`> fucking nerd chicks !!!!!!
#737137 +(1508)- [X]
<WaterBomb> did anyone get fucked by the ice storm?
<WaterBomb> I'm in west vagina
<WaterBomb> we only got 6 inches
<WaterBomb> but that 6 inches plus the ice has been a pain in the ass
<WaterBomb> er, I live in west virginia
#737148 +(230)- [X]
Reguarding geology vs. astronomy:
Skail[FARK] Yeah, I'm down with rocks.
Skail[FARK] You can't dent someone's skull with a nebula.
#737196 +(446)- [X]
<Teksura> I got a great Anecdote for you.
<Teksura> Today I was at College, and I was with a good friend of mine. She has been there for me for the past year and has given me all the Doctor Who fandom I could ask for
<Teksura> Today I went to give her a ride home because I'm just that nice a guy
<Teksura> So, as we are on the way to my car, some random freshman stops us
<Teksura> Aparently, he knew me from high school, but I have no idea who the heck he is.
<Teksura> Well, he starts talking about stuff that I like to pretend never happened, stuff that you only bring up if you want to make someone embarrassed
<Teksura> So, suddenly, I get one of my trademark cunning plans
<Teksura> I pull $20 from my wallet and say "Look, I don't know who you are, but seeing as you only want to talk about things that you know I don't ever want spoken, I'll give you $20 if you go away."
<Teksura> He agrees and reaches for the $20
<Teksura> "Nono, you haven't gone away yet. You're still here. I will give you the $20 after you go away."
<Teksura> So he says "OK" walks off.
<Teksura> I pocket my $20 and take my friend to my car before he figures out what I just did.
#737263 +(1080)- [X]
<Zenji> My brother who hasnt talked to my Dad in like a year or so got a chick pregnant.
<Zenji> He notified my Dad by sending him a "Worlds Number 1 Grandfather" card.
#737264 +(65)- [X]
<QuartzImg> damn, unfortunately ill be missing the crab race
<llamamall> do they pick them right off the pubes?
<QuartzImg> ever seen Maryland crabs?
<binrapt> I said do you enjoy the smell of your genitals
<QuartzImg> I cant really sniff them
<QuartzImg> Maryland crabs are about the size of a small cat
<QuartzImg> and bright blue
<QuartzImg> and evil
<llamamall> would suck to have those in your pubes
<QuartzImg> i know
<QuartzImg> they weigh like 3 lbs max
<QuartzImg> that would be a nasty tug
#737270 +(441)- [X]
<Setoshi> im sad
<Setoshi> how i wanted to download house season 1
<Setoshi> and i got the full house season 1
<Setoshi> what a fucking waste
<Setoshi> dude but i seriously got pissed
<Setoshi> i saw michelle's face I was like
<Setoshi> WTF IS THIS
#737318 +(964)- [X]
<Python> Did you fall from a shooting star?
<silly_girlie> ahh sure why not
<GLT23> because your face looks like it slammed into earth at 1500 mph? is that the end of the pickup line?
#737380 +(602)- [X]
<trips> Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dialup, I will fear no lag: for thou art with me; thy lights and thy bandwidth they comfort me. Thou preparest a website before me in the presence of mine boredom: thou anointest my ports with data; my hard drive runneth over. Surely fast surfing and low access rates shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of cisco systems for ever.
#737432 +(503)- [X]
<Sin> MICHAEL JACKSON DIED TODAY!
<Vincent> WHAT!? how?
<Sin> acute food poisoning
<Sin> he ate some 12 year old nuts
#737485 +(609)- [X]
<Stressball> theres no U in orgasm
<Stressball> sounds like an anti-rape slogan
#737488 +(1429)- [X]
<BigKahuna>so my son came home from school early
<BigKahuna>terrified look on his face
<BigKahuna>handed me two pieces of paper
<BigKahuna>one says he's been suspended for two weeks
<BigKahuna>the other is a bill for $850 for removing a mechanical bull from a swimming pool
<BigKahuna>half of me knows i should punish him, but the other half just wants to say "my god i love my kids"
#737527 +(194)- [X]
<Jenny The Xenomorph> I found a good example of why i dont talk to my parents much though. My mum found a picture of the sun my dad took a while back during the eclipse. had a large dark spot on it, which they were trying to work out what it was.
#737693 +(942)- [X]
<Daniel> Spongebob is a tampon.
<Daniel> He's a sponge who lives in bikini bottom with Mr Crabs.
#737717 +(430)- [X]
<@Merrick178> I hope you get hit by an uninsured Mexican driving an ice cream truck with la bamba playing in the background
#737767 +(-144)- [X]
<Bull|breakky> lol. i had a few drinks, tried to light a smoke off me zippo, took a phone call, filled the zippo with petrol, spilt some on my hand, lit the smoke and dropped the phone, me hand was on fire. yea i know . duhhhhhhhh@ me
#737769 +(340)- [X]
<+dogcow> Did you hear about the MPAA being caught using pirated software?
<+dogcow> Can anyone recommend any good movies? I'm going to celebrate!
#737859 +(254)- [X]
<marshmallow> i had a hard time trying to explain to mike what the orly owl was
<marshmallow> i mean how would you describe it to someone who hadn't heard of it
<__penguin__> the same way you describe what color is to a blind person
<marshmallow> HAHA IT'S PURTY AND U CANT SEE IT
#737902 +(100)- [X]
obscurityusa: i showed my roomate ftw.generation
obscurityusa: he's... he's not talking to me anymore....
obscurityusa: like first random he gets is the hulk getting butt raped by capt. america