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#727689 +(249)- [X]

<SaintAlvus> I wrote a book on an object that lets you accelerate the passage of time.
<Bean> What was it called?
<SaintAlvus> Bong Mechanics

#727758 +(743)- [X]

<ToxicFrog> My gaming machine is running 2k at the moment, but I may have to downgrade to XP in the near future, or make it a dual boot.
<LogiForce> Downgrade to XP ? :S
<LogiForce> 2k is older then XP. It is called upgrading.
<ToxicFrog> LogiForce: going from "bad" to "worse" is not an upgrade even if "worse" was released after "bad".

#727984 +(986)- [X]

<stoertebeker> fleshlights make me want to puke
<RifleEyes> you're not supposed to deepthroat them

#728190 +(2118)- [X]

<Folkomo> So in class today we were playing guesstures or password- one of those games you have to guess a word or phrase- my friend apparently got T.V., but I didn't know that. He got up and said "Back in my Grandma's days, these used to only be black and white."
<Folkomo> I fucked up and said "water fountains" outloud.
<Folkomo> ...thats why I got detention.

#728569 +(-138)- [X]

<raven^> What do I chmod a directory with to make it accessable from the web?

#728751 +(3344)- [X]

<ehFk> so today in class Mr. Frank was like "Guys, turn to page 404...."
<ehFk> me being a smartass say "Sir.... I can't find it"
<ehFk> "Michael, It is page 404"
<ehFk> "SIR! I CAN'T FIND IT!"
<ehFk> I spent the next two minutes explaining  to my class what 404 meant
<ehFk> and they all looked at me like I was the biggest fucking nerd EVER
<TheTik> wow... speechless.

#728958 +(-922)- [X]

<Mulcibre> I just had a case of deja jew
<Mulcibre> I'd swear I've seen this $20 bill somewhere before

#729203 +(1081)- [X]

<dogs> we use IPv7 now
<dogs> it's pretty much IPv6, but the headers contain porn
<dogs> saves bandwidth

#729283 +(1407)- [X]

Trev: dang baby did i tell u that u looked FINE today!
Trev: u looked likea dime
Trev: that was so sexy i just couldnt stand it
Grace: thanks trevor, you're lying
Trev: nooooo u were beautiful
Grace: trevor I was absent today
Trev: o

#729367 +(845)- [X]

<skulk> why the hell is wrestling on the scifi channel?
<skulk> that's like MTV playing music videos

#729896 +(1172)- [X]

<archaios> I WAS A VIRGIN TIL 21
<poonTheta> archaios i thought you are 20 :|
<archaios> poonTheta: I am still a virgin
<archaios> I expect to get laid next year

#729937 +(283)- [X]

<Erodice> 1 time last year we just had freezing rain and people where goin' 60-70 mps over the bridge form where i live to the main city New Bern. you never seen so many morons slipin' an' swervin' and wouldn't anyone slow down it was insane
<Bligyith> On the fire department we call those return customers
<Bligyith> ...well not really, but I do

#729963 +(582)- [X]

<Kirkburn> Shouldn't RCs be called Gamma?
<Maldivia> in Microsoft's case: RC = Alpha, Release = Beta, Service Pack 1 = RC, Service Pack 2 = Release

#730297 +(1097)- [X]

<astrix> theres a little clip on the side of your drive
<@KiNgDeeM|AFKish> jumpers
<astrix> theres 3 options, master, slave and something else
<@KiNgDeeM|AFKish> cable select
<@Cyan> master, slave, and "likes to watch"

#730921 +(347)- [X]

<error27> Assertion: token is identifier of typedef or open "(" of arg list of typedef'd pointer to function
<error27> programmers always wonder why people punch them in the neck

#731050 +(-17)- [X]

<ter> america is the melting pot, canada is the lukewarm mug

#731100 +(446)- [X]

<nitekrawler> I was taking a piss, and my toliet suddenly flushes it self.
<damageisking> maybe it was japanese
<nitekrawler> I dont think toliets have ethnic races

#731134 +(246)- [X]

<+Acksaw> how do you get 100 babies in a bucket?
<+crank> 100?
<+Acksaw> with a blender.
<+crank> auch
<+Acksaw> how do you get them back out?
<+crank> i dunno
<+Acksaw> with doritos

#731378 +(805)- [X]

<Chrtsalid^Revenge> I spent about 45 minutes watching concerned neighbours and some maintenance workers dismantling a drainpipe in order to save a kitten today,
<Chrtsalid^Revenge> And ten minutes of porn later, their effort was wasted.

#731432 +(437)- [X]

<wankel> i think high-end computer hardware manufacturers should have to pay an extra tax, which gets sent to the game developers.  we all know that people who pirate video games spend their savings buying fancy computers.

#731712 +(1025)- [X]

<embrace> Hi
<embrace> How do i download guys?
<Frogworm> wouldn't you rather download girls instead?

#731734 +(3283)- [X]

<NaStyChoC> hey babe asl?
<sweetangelic> hi, 14/f/aus ^^
<NaStyChoC> ive a real big cock..
<sweetangelic> o how big??
<NaStyChoC> 9in
<sweetangelic> dats prty big, mines only 8
<NaStyChoC> ok
<NaStyChoC> wait wtf

#732090 +(364)- [X]

<lemmonza> OK, So I was watching some gangster film on BET last night
<lemmonza> And they showed this commercial obviously for kids
<lemmonza> Just as i was wondering why they would show a commercial for kids this late at night during such a violent movie
<lemmonza> I realized two things
<lemmonza> One: It was a commercial for kool-aid
<lemmonza> Two: I was watchin BET

#732261 +(573)- [X]

< muon > I wish someone would invent a decent packing tape dispenser
< Cyd > I'm telling you, a simple ball gag is not that expensive
< muon > try explaining to a cop why you're hanging around a middle school with a ball gag dumbass

#732404 +(597)- [X]

<Weregoose> I had to fill in these spaces (........ .....) with a phrase associated with "murder" and "alternative". Apparently, "elevator music" wasn't an acceptable answer.

#732443 +(578)- [X]

TheLegendofMouse> You know when you drive by those amusement parks, sometimes they have those slides shaped like the titanic?
TsunamiNoAi> Thats kind of macabre isnt it?
TheLegendofMouse> Let me find a picture of one
TsunamiNoAi> does this mean in 100 years there will be a WTC: The Ride bungee jumping?

#732536 +(1880)- [X]

<El_Pompo> what would be the best language to build a crawler in?
<Emetri> jawa.

#732606 +(513)- [X]

<bennyb73> People who abuse animals should be shot in the face.
<29fps> If I can kick an animal's ass, then that's natural selection at work right there, baby. We were put on this planet to conquer, and today's pansy-ass hippies are nothing but a disappointment in God's eyes.
<29fps> What do you think the guy at the golden gates is checking under your name in his big book when you're standing in line? How many puppies you've kicked in your life, that's what.
<ksaintdouble> Isn't it the pearly gates? Or are you talking about that homeless guy who stands in front of SanFran yelling?
<bennyb73> If that doesn't sound like God, I don't know what does.
<Valvados> If it's Bill Gates I really think I'd rather go to hell.

#732709 +(1001)- [X]

Houdini: I have a couple of modems on "long term loan" from work :)
[ape crap]: yer, so do i. then i lent them out to friends on ebay.

#732717 +(395)- [X]

<blazeboy>you dont have to be willing
<blazeboy>only unwilling to file charges

#733034 +(306)- [X]

<Ward> man, at work I had to demo Vista for some customers
<Ward> and I was like, MAN VISTAS SO AWESOME
<Ward> but XP is so much easier to use
<Burty> wtf dude, you've been using XP for what.. 5 years?
<Burty> thats like going from vag to anal
<Burty> sure it feels different
<Burty> and its a bit hard to get into at the start
<Burty> but its true merit shines after a few trys

#733088 +(2152)- [X]

<chilomen> *Now Playing: bathtub_lesbians.avi*
<zeddevil2> rofl dude i didnt need to know that
<chilomen> oh shit
<chilomen> lol :S ill change it
<chilomen> *Now Playing: nsync_tearin_up_my_heart.mp3*
<zeddevil2> ...
<zeddevil2> go back to the lesbians

#733200 +(687)- [X]

<Jonathan> So, let's assume I have a display connected via DVI.
<jimmy> yes jonathan your porno will be crystal clear
<Jonathan> jimmy: but I like my porno to be all smeary and blurry like I'm in an adult theater with some fat smelly guy pulling his crank behind my seat!
<jimmy> then you need to use the native windows drivers for your video card
<Jonathan> Okay, thanks.

#733328 +(279)- [X]

<danbee> Ah well. I'm going for a shower in my new rave bathroom.
<weealan> rave bathroom??
<danbee> Aye. The bulb is on the fritz.
<danbee> So now I get an epileptic fit every time I go for a piss.
<danbee> It's... messy.

#733345 +(938)- [X]

<Peza> A terabyte is 1/8th of a bit, right?
<sungo> If it is, I have a lot less disk storage than I thought

#733864 +(48)- [X]

<Wells> i upload my movies to snipurl.com as a series of urls
<Wells> base64 encoded

#733939 +(553)- [X]

<geckosenator> my new approach to optimizing is comment random lines of code out and check speed and verify the results are still correct

#734091 +(12)- [X]

<MystyGlyttyr> No, had to spank the cat for crawling up on the gun cabinet.
<Vennie> Next time just leave them loaded and let the problem solve itself
<MystyGlyttyr> Nah, it's not my cat.

#734267 +(22)- [X]

<Stereo``> how much rent is 1 baby worth
<dekkon> a lifetime of alimony

#734300 +(1109)- [X]

<knucklz> i have to say i think i'm completely out of touch with porn these days
<knucklz> i heard 'inside the porn actors studio' on howard stern they other day and they played a clip from this girls porno
<knucklz> she said, and i quote, "yeah, stick your big cock in my shit locker"
<knucklz> call me old fashioned, but the term "shit locker" doesn't exactly get my motor going

#734413 +(2205)- [X]

<ShaggyShaggs> heh, my grandmother amused me earlier
<ShaggyShaggs> I got up, got dressed, took a leak, washed my face, got out of the bathroom and mom's there holding the phone telling me it's for me
<ShaggyShaggs> I grab the phone and mutter "Is this more important than coffee?"
<ShaggyShaggs> and my grandmother says "Nothing is more important than coffee, call me back later"

#734433 +(1955)- [X]

<Erasmus> You know how you can really annoy a trekkie fan when you're watching Star Trek? Suddenly point at the screen and shout "Hey, isn't that Captain Jon Luc Skywalker?!"
<Erasmus> You can actually see them wince as the mix up causes them physical pain.
<Erasmus> You then wait till they've spent ten minutes explaining to you (in minute detail) the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, pretend to think deeply for a minute, and say: "but he is a Jedi, right?"
<Erasmus> This can cause instant cardiac arrest in some of the more hardcore Trekkie fans.

#734472 +(1080)- [X]

<SpuD|work> augh, I hate MS Office and people's expectation that "IT'S PART OF WINDOWS SO I WANT IT FREE!"

#734616 +(1430)- [X]

<Raptorx5> So I found a prepaid cellphone the other day at school.
<Raptorx5> Swear to god I did.
<Raptorx5> It had a small amount of airtime left.
<Raptorx5> And a shitload of contacts.
<Raptorx5> I called "Mommy" and left a voicemail "Your child is dead" in a low toned whisper. And then I ran out of airtime.
<Osmodius> I love you :D

#734797 +(8653)- [X]

<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

#735255 +(270)- [X]

guitarchick177: lolz, christie's already drunk
SenorAnderson86: nice
guitarchick177: one shot drunk
SenorAnderson86: band name
guitarchick177: i'm halfway through my second
SenorAnderson86: album name
guitarchick177: hahah
SenorAnderson86: now we need a song name
guitarchick177: that's what she said
SenorAnderson86: Oh snap

#735628 +(762)- [X]

Jeff: I love microsoft office
Eric-san: I love girls, weirdo
Jeff: then get a girlfriend
Eric-san: I never said they love me
Jeff: there is always someone out there.
Jeff: always
Jeff: even adolf hitler had a girlfriend...c'mon
Eric-san: Best. Justification. Ever

#735716 +(683)- [X]

<RollOver> so whats the difference between dating and going out then?
<Vindexus> Dating comes before going out, it isn't as serious.
<Vindexus> THink of dating as Beta and going out as Release.
<Vindexus> ....and that statement shows why I've never got to play the Alpha build.

#735763 +(104)- [X]

<Dark_Fox> Macs are the diet vanilla coke of computers

#735790 +(562)- [X]

<atariboy84> I'm a little discouraged, I went to match.com and typed "sane." It came back "sorry, no results."

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