#716733 +(824)- [X]
<Spock> I haven't received an email in a week
<Spock> and felt so lonely I bought a book off amazon.com
<Spock> just to get a confirmation via email
<Dougster> wow, you are even a loser in the internet
#716785 +(1175)- [X]
<echeese> I think I befriended a pedo sting
<echeese> This chick's been 14 for 2 years now
#717290 +(1850)- [X]
<@Headknocker> what happens when 5 emos sit in a square room?
<@Headknocker> one dies because he has no corner to cry in :D
#717470 +(1744)- [X]
<TheFoundation> the statue of liberty was never meant as a peace offering
<TheFoundation> the french just forgot to build an exit for their troops
#717951 +(567)- [X]
<electr0n> shitty, house broken into yesterday
<electr0n> second time in under a year. hell under 6 months
<electr0n> took my ps2 and laptop
<electr0n> I am glad I hadn't bought a 360 because then i would be really pissed
<pluis> nah, they'd never be able to escape while carrying the 360's power adapter
#718142 +(547)- [X]
<Phaelax> so what am i suppose to do with 175GB of wrongly named mp3s?
<EddieGordo> stick them on gnutella
<EddieGordo> they already have a good collection going
#718580 +(1192)- [X]
Skecchi: me > you
Knolly: Got it the wrong way around
Knolly: you > me
Skecchi: thank you~
Knolly: I hate you
#718587 +(490)- [X]
VisionSixTwo: In history class, our history teacher has a somewhat sporadic style of writing on the chalkboard.
VisionSixTwo: for some reason, she wrote "HitlerxMussolini". I forget why.
VisionSixTwo: I have suggested to Allison that wingfic must be written
Arch mage144: "Adolf," moaned Benito softly. "Your moustache. It tickles me so."
#718608 +(-911)- [X]
<krad89> Why do black people wear pants so low?
<krad89> Spell saggin backwards.
#718767 +(534)- [X]
vetiman: So I was in Bio today
vetiman: And my friend Kyle says to this hot girl carrying a testtube rack
vetiman: "Can we trade racks? I like your rack better."
vetiman: And she just kind of smiled at him
SibL: I would;ve killed him
vetiman: And Kyle realized what he said, and grabbed her boob
vetiman: The there was this awkward silence, they walked out of the room, and 5 minutes later he comes back with a broken arm...
#718795 +(227)- [X]
in ana ni xX: I pretend to be a dude on mIRC.
in ana ni xX: Like, for instance, I just got banned from seven channels in less than 10 minutes!
Hero by Words: Awesome.
in ana ni xX: I know, I'm really cool.
in ana ni xX: It pisses me off sometimes,
in ana ni xX: how someone can slap me around with a fish,
in ana ni xX: but I can't wank off into their eyes without getting booted.
#718845 +(-1046)- [X]
<Computer> Today Chuck Norris was released as a downloadable patch for Street Fighter. When asked about a glitch that made all buttons force his character to perform a roundhouse kick, he responded, "what glitch?"
#718916 +(782)- [X]
Chrono-Z >> So yeah I think I'm going to invent a bra bomb and pay some crazy hard up person to wear it into airport security so bras will be banned on flights, from that point it's just a matter of finding a good seat to watch from.
#719019 +(606)- [X]
<The831st> soy milk makes you gay
<The831st> everytime i drink soy milk i cant help but think "man, i'd much rather have a dick in my mouth than this."
#719313 +(600)- [X]
<HuhWhat> Since everyone's comign clean about bad things... back when I was 15 or 16, my friend invited me along to a family trip to Palm Springs. We were staying at some motel with cable, so I figured it'd be a good opportunity to watch some Iron Chef on the Food Network. Unfortunately, he would drag me out to the hot springs and the pool where I, who can't swim, would usually be the butt of his little pranks. He would drag me down under into the deep end and jab his fingers into my rib to try to make me drown. Anyways, at around 9:00pm, we came back into our room to enjoy the instant noodles his parents were making. I snuck into bathroom to take a piss and while I was doing so I noticed his little sister's bathing suit hanging over curtains of the bathtub/shower. It seemed pretty clear that she had left it there after having taken her shower. I couldn't resist and hoping nobody was outside, I pulled it down and sniffed the crotch area where
<HuhWhat> Don't read that!
#719376 +(-757)- [X]
<cameltoe> Best resignation letter ever:
<cameltoe> Dear Mr X,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you.........
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation.
However, I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad reference. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the company.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror n.de. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of reference. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the reference on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day'.
#719395 +(-883)- [X]
Gee: ROTFBMALFO = Rolling on the floor because my artificial limbs fell off. :)
#719721 +(1835)- [X]
<ren> I fucking hate jehovahs witnesses
<ren> I saw 2 men in black suits knocking on my door so I microwaved my hard drive :\
#719909 +(1286)- [X]
<HappyDude> ARGH, I think the definition of 'bad timing' happened to me today
<HappyDude> I was sitting there watching a porn vid
<HappyDude> And it was just a naked girl in a spa
<HappyDude> Then, 3 things happened all at the same time....
<HappyDude> 1) I cum everywhere
<HappyDude> 2) My mum walks in
<HappyDude> 3) The "girl" stands up to reveal "she" has a huge cock.
#720098 +(875)- [X]
<bluechip> apparently my younger sister
<bluechip> learning to drive
<bluechip> does not actually look behind her
<bluechip> when she backs up
<bluechip> or check any of her mirrors
<bluechip> so now, instead of having two separate cars
<bluechip> we have one.. big car
#720191 +(978)- [X]
ductape4yoursoul: the hot Ukranian went to an In Flames concert Sunday and got molested by some chick.
SupremeGeekBeing: is that some kind of code
SupremeGeekBeing: the flying bacon lands in moswll park at 5?
ductape4yoursoul: no, dude. The hot ukranian I met in Chicago. She went to an In Flames concert and was molested by some chick
SupremeGeekBeing: oh, the pink elephant runs into a shallow well
#720258 +(1264)- [X]
<grr rapture> this is so gross
<grr rapture> my friend was having sex with this girl and halfway through he realized she was on her peiod, but he finished up anyway
<yadrisil> just like bush in iraq
<grr rapture> ?
<yadrisil> he doesn't know when to pull out of a bloody mess
#720300 +(433)- [X]
<wesleymason> The handwriting on these card envelopes look like they've been written by a retarded 6yr old Basque speaker who's learnt English off a box Engrish-translated Japanese sweets.
<wesleymason> In a hurry.
<wesleymason> During a storm.
<wesleymason> At night.
#720346 +(356)- [X]
Lannister> they should make shock diapers that detect moisture and electocute babies.
#720448 +(1060)- [X]
Swift: top ten things I have to do before I die
Swift: one is to donkey punch a giant squid in the eye
X_Stickman: That should probably be last on the list
#720524 +(584)- [X]
<catnip> I saw this hot azn grrrrl today
<catnip> totally doable in many ways, none of which are the way that God intended
<Crispy`> Well, that doesn't leave lots of room.
<Crispy`> I mean, minus making your own hole and fucking it, every orifice is fair play.
#720959 +(584)- [X]
disturbed c0w: but jesus
disturbed c0w: how can you read all of bash
disturbed c0w: thats like reading the dictionary except cock is in there a lot of times
#721016 +(514)- [X]
<Mewrr> reminds me back when I was writing reviews of soccer matches on the web
<Mewrr> and going through access logs, I saw that some reviews were orders of magnitude more popular
<Mewrr> eventually it occurred to me that Switzerland has a Pro Soccer team named "Young Boys"
<Mewrr> turns out they have many followers worldwide
<dmacks> I bet
<Mewrr> to make things even funnier, the Young Boys play in a stadium called "Wankdorf"
#721138 +(722)- [X]
<SierraSonic> the internet is made up of 3 things
<SierraSonic> 99.9% porn
<SierraSonic> .1% violence
<Crash2> and 0% of?
<Marcx> 0% intellect
#722053 +(701)- [X]
< Vice> if paris hilton came and wanted sex.. i think i just might have
< Vice> cos you never know
< Vice> she might have one of those "the millionth customer gets a special prize" campaigne going on..
#722326 +(430)- [X]
<Golden> Am I the only one who thinks Dead Rising could be the easiest Video Game to Porno transfer?
<Golden> The three main characters are a black guy, a hot blonde chick and a photographer
<Golden> And they're stuck in a mall with zombies so they can't escape
<Golden> Eventually someone is going to have a cock in their ass while the hairy guy takes pictures of it
#722585 +(1635)- [X]
<NerdyScientist7> Okay, I'm taking a survey, want to be in it?
<NerdyScientist7> Here's the question: How stupid are you?
<bigone> what do u mean
<NerdyScientist7> Thanks for your input.
#723906 +(3716)- [X]
<Phyxius> Hmm there are some black people hanging around outside the gates at the end of my driveway, brb
<Courtney> mkay hb
<Phyxius> HOLY SHIT THEYRE GONE
<Courtney> The black people?
<Phyxius> NO, MY GATES
#724072 +(225)- [X]
<+maaneeack> and I can't get off 56k if there is nothing else
<+maaneeack> 56k, or yelling, and there is waaaay too much packet loss and downtime on yelling
<acquacow> that's what I tried to tell my mom
<acquacow> so I moved out
<acquacow> we now communicate digitally
<acquacow> and with the right spam filter
<acquacow> I hear nothing at all.
#724316 +(1170)- [X]
<theGaurav x45> yo i got
<theGaurav x45> Microsoft Office 2007
<theGaurav x45> greatest thing ever invented
<theGaurav x45> so amazing
<theGaurav x45> it took me 15 minutes to find spellcheck
<theGaurav x45> but still
<theGaurav x45> amazing
#724327 +(264)- [X]
<Jimmothy> i have girl hands
<Jimmothy> and nice nails to match
<@D1> the better to handle my ballz
<Jimmothy> anyone can hold peanuts D1
#724762 +(487)- [X]
<shwS> I have 1½ pack left.. after that, I'm smoking.
<shwS> I'm quitting*
#724925 +(890)- [X]
<^zauberer> I do not speak the english well but I will use a translator
<Xanpony> Sure, I understand :)
<^zauberer> you are of which pay
<Xanpony> Okey, there is problems with your translator :(
#724962 +(1785)- [X]
<VFR8> I was driving home today and I saw the best license plate
<VFR8> 56K SRY
#724976 +(1920)- [X]
<Green> So I got in my car
<Green> and there was birdshit on my windsheild
<Green> so i got a paper towel and got out to wipe it off
<Green> but it wouldn't come off
<Green> and thats when I realized it was on the INSIDE
<Green> I had a hard time getting to sleep that night
#725069 +(3108)- [X]
<Holly> So I got my period, and i was bleeding, and my pad leaked
<Holly> Yeah, and it leaked everywhere! And so i had to go into the doctors, and they had to shave my vagina, it wasnt good
<Jesse> Wow, i cant believe youre telling me this
<Holly> Well...its just girl talk
<Jesse> Jesse is a guy's name too
#725241 +(1759)- [X]
<@DemocracyDan> 5 votes to get kyhx banned!
<@DemocracyDan> fine if you are all going to spit in the face of democracy by not voting we won't allow talking at all
* DemocracyDan sets mode: +m
* DemocracyDan is now known as NaziNorm
<@NaziNorm> this is what happens when you don't allow your voices to be heard
<@NaziNorm> they get taken away
<@NaziNorm> think about that for awhile
#725392 +(-359)- [X]
<@CCFreak2K> Go down to your local Home Depot and ask for one.
<%Zeraliten> No such thing as Home Depot in eurofag-land :(
<@CCFreak2K> Then go to a Home...Gulag.
#725783 +(1230)- [X]
<1> please tell me if there's any way to check if a table exist in mysql database
<2> if (mysql_query('DROP TABLE table_name')) echo "table existed";
#726333 +(833)- [X]
MasterH: They should make the entire world follow the same timezone. They could have like orbital mirrors which reflect the sun to every corner of the earth.,
MasterH: And have night at the same time.
Faethyr: And nightime would happen How?
MasterH: Turn off the mirorrs
#726567 +(4286)- [X]
<Ugarte> I think I was 12 at the time, and I was at this girl's house for some kind of party... I think her name was Kate.
<Ugarte> Anyway, at some point she said she wanted to show me something, and brought me alone to her brother's room. She dug under his bed and took out a picture of a woman having sex with a dog. Then she kissed me.
<Ugarte> I'm as confused about this now as I was then.
#726941 +(609)- [X]
<Andymc> lawl 156 photos on my phone...
<Andymc> but i don't have a fuxxing way to get them onto the comp... need a bluetooth dock or summat
<GriM> peel them off and re-apply glue? Perhaps a mild solvent to loosen the sticky?
<Andymc> You should apply for a job at Dell...
#727158 +(1075)- [X]
(+GamerTony) is it bad when you and your fiancee start eating the same things?
(@arfer) if it's pussy, yes
#727320 +(473)- [X]
<TuorSirfalas> I tried using my sis's G5 powerbook or something
<Cloud02> she has a mac? poor thing.
<TuorSirfalas> she bought it for the logo
<TuorSirfalas> her words, not mine
#727509 +(1320)- [X]
<karrde> i asked Windows to delete 36 000 files from a directory, and i ve already waited for 15 minutes and nothing resultes...
<LoL> it is preparing 36 000 "are you sure?" windows