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#698311 +(40)- [X]

Tarrock: Did you guys hear what happened at the tickle me elmo factory?!
Julep Dee: Nope?
Trey Blacktail: blew up?
Trey Blacktail: *hopes*
Tarrock: Well.... the other day at the tickle me elmo factory a man went into the manager's office and complained about a woman outside. "She's holding up the line," he says. "I don't know what we're going to do. We'll never get this done. You have to do something!"
Tarrock: So the manager gets up and walks outside where he finds the woman with red cloth and a bag of marbles. She was wrapping the marbles in the cloth and then sewing them on the tickle me elmos. The manager burst out laughing
Tarrock: He says. "I'm sorry mam. I think you misunderstood my instructions... I told you to give them a couple of "test tickles"

#698341 +(1994)- [X]

<Xenecrite> Guys, I found the greatest glitch!
<Xenecrite> It's one of those ads where you have to hit the target.
<Xenecrite> You can click anywhere on it and you STILL get the prize!
<Xenecrite> 53 free laptops for me!

#699058 +(107)- [X]

DragonSiege: you people have acronyms for everything
siwelwerd: i can't think of anything that E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. stands for

#699080 +(494)- [X]

<RockWolf> one time my friend tried to kill himself by taking 30 advil.
<RockWolf> i was like dude...why take 30 advil when you can take 3 aleve? =D

#699087 +(933)- [X]

<Spock> have you ever noticed how closely the jehovas witnesses resemble the sith?
<Spock> they always come in pairs of two
<Spock> one Master and one apprentice

#699226 +(309)- [X]

KiRBYdaCREAMpuff: I saw the funniest thing today, a group of white guys putting a roof on a mexican restaurant

#699229 +(929)- [X]

<antisocial_boris> hmm, my code isnt working, i need a break
<hapchi> well, keep in mind it must be inside a while or for loop

#699245 +(1030)- [X]

<anaemic> i like the word inflamable, because its like throwing a curveball at the foreigners in a very dangerous and potentially entertaining way

#699258 +(783)- [X]

<caddoo> why do you need condoms sent to you discreetly, you can get them in toilets, schools, chemists and they are all pretty discrete.
<EvilDr.X> I dunno, man. I had a friend who used a condom he found in a toilet, he got a really bad infection.

#699308 +(4191)- [X]

<Ich> I've discovered that people on IRC don't get offended or riled up by racism
<Ich> nor politically incorrect jokes
<Ich> nor feminism, nazism,
<Ich> nor goatse, or even tubgirl
<Ich> not even jokes about 9/11 get a rise out of anybody
<Ich> but as soon as I tell somebody that macs are better than PC's, things get ugly

#699415 +(180)- [X]

< dadexter> I stopped using reiserfs because some of my data went missing and my HDD died... ironic, isn't it?

#699602 +(1078)- [X]

Mike: i downloaded a virus to test my current virus protector.  guess what, it failed the test

#699804 +(582)- [X]

<spree> downloading movies takes so freaking long
<videogameaholic> set it and forget it
<spree> i set it hours ago
<spree> i want to watch it before i sleep
<spree> i imagine it'd be even worse with chicken
<spree> if i stuck a chicken in the oven, there's no way i'd forget it
<spree> i'd be staring hungrily at it for hours
<videogameaholic> you kidding?  when I put a burrito in the microwave and push 90 seconds, I grab a bag of chips.

#699884 +(46)- [X]

ScottDoom1944: I have had several customers inquiring about the Wii, but none had inquired about the 360 previously and none have inquired about the PS3.
h0ckeygod: That's because you work at Toys R Us.

#699957 +(877)- [X]

<Klaatu> Man, I don't know why your g/f has sex with you so much.  With your micro wang and all.
<Hl1> Psh, it's not the size of the hull.  It's the motion of the ocean.
<Klaatu> Aye, but it's mighty hard to cross the Atlantic in a dingy.

#700007 +(1512)- [X]

<Navatalin> What do we want? less premature ejaculation! When do we want it? ...ahhh shit :(

#700015 +(291)- [X]

<nonplused> guys
<nonplused> what starts up apache on reboot
<quadra> hmm it sounds like a native american thing
<quadra> so the answer must be Alcohol

#700091 +(4226)- [X]

<Swiich> dude, that girl i went on a date with last night was really dumb
<Cindy> fuck you too
<Swiich> shit, wrong window

#700101 +(473)- [X]

<LionClaw> i tried to OD on pain relievers once
<nanNette> :/
<LionClaw> i didnt have a headache for about 2 months

#700280 +(44)- [X]

<dauphin> wrath, what do you mean in a sense you're also african?
<wrath> cause i was born here
<dauphin> are you black?
<wrath> no
<GWF> yeah, you arent african wrath
<GWF> if a dog is born in a stable it doesnt make it a horse

#700435 +(1513)- [X]

<starmantaav> so i just realized yesterday
<starmantaav> i work at a mongolian bbq
<starmantaav> next door to a chinese restaurant
<starmantaav> shouldn't we have a bigass wall between us?

#700480 +(529)- [X]

assmuncher: any idea who's in the running for president next election?
sinistercanadian: ahhnold
sinistercanadian: he sneaks into the capitol building every night and re arranges 7 letters on the constitution
sinistercanadian: by mid 2007 he will be eligible for president

#700491 +(416)- [X]

Skuddward: i love wal-mart's footwear department
teddy: "Flip Flops, Buy 2 get 1 free!"

#700591 +(590)- [X]

Zizzy: The Bible was the first known recorded Wiki, proving once and for all that Wikis are destined to be screwed up by a bunch of teenagers.

#700613 +(341)- [X]

[Synista]: You know what would have been cool
[Synista]: if in the superman movie, they had him break a horse's back

#700627 +(1339)- [X]

Alcedes53: I've got everything on my computer from Bach to Bad Religion.
Tsukemono5: Clearly, you have a wide variety of music.
Tsukemono5: Seriously. What fits in that range? Backstreet Boys?

#700635 +(40)- [X]

<H_Zula> I read this article online
<H_Zula> and in one part it said "FBI agent posed as a 15 Year Old Boy"
<H_Zula> So I was thinking how the hell does this guy look?
<H_Zula> Something like a short guy in his 40's with acne still?
<H_Zula> Then I realized what the hell they meant...

#700817 +(1396)- [X]

<Hex77> I was in class today
<Hex77> and there was a black lady speaking about hospitality business
<Hex77> and she was like "hospitality business is all about selling people"
<Hex77> and I laughed
<Hex77> but nobody else did

#700847 +(2904)- [X]

andyg721: i think it was on CNN
andyg721: Condoleeza Rice went to Asia
andyg721: the headline was RICE IN ASIA

#700868 +(689)- [X]

SkudSl4y3r: huh, that's odd...
reamererj: what is?
SkudSl4y3r: the median age of the US population went down
SkudSl4y3r: i wonder what this means
SirOmnipotent: the terrorists finally bombed Florida?

#700871 +(289)- [X]

<JoeyTribbz> A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. 
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" 
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." 
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" 
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." 
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" 
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

#700994 +(532)- [X]

<Marco> stfu, i'm doing an IQ test on the net
<Paranoua> if you want somethin positive do a HIV-test

#701063 +(524)- [X]

<fugi> a friend of mine just got a dog from a vietnamese family today, I suggested he name it Chewy.
<b0rked> why?
<fugi> why else would vietnamese get rid of a dog?

#701077 +(436)- [X]

<bill-s> why is evryone on the internets suddenly preoccupied if I wipe front-to-back or back-to-front?
<BoltBait> Sounds to me like SOMEONE wipes the wrong direction. :D
<bill-s> STFU!

#701105 +(1165)- [X]

<tC-CS|royce> man
<tC-CS|royce> the guy at mcdonalds didnt react at all when i ordered fillet o fish, no fish, no cheese, extra tartar sauce
<tC-CS|royce> and i gotta tell you
<tC-CS|royce> this thing is disgusting.

#701197 +(717)- [X]

<Panda-> i love irc so much more than my family
<Panda-> mainly because my grandmother doesnt recognize me
<Panda-> BUT AUTHSERV DOES!

#701336 +(647)- [X]

FLEAM0: I had to watch Memoirs of a Geisha with my friend's Japanese exchange student...I kept wondering what I would think if I went to Japan and they showed me a movie called Memories Of A Hooker

#701390 +(205)- [X]

<Snurks> holy god they're making a The Little Mermaid III
<MessedRawker> featuring a dead horse as a new co-star right?

#701503 +(326)- [X]

<@w0k> i love myself, i'm so full of myself i could puke up a Clone

#701504 +(679)- [X]

andrewy: linux exploits are like IF THE MOON IS IN FRONT OF VENUS AND YOU ARE LEFT HANDED AND SOMEONE ALREADY HAS LOCAL ACCESS AND YOU HAVE YAEWS (YET ANOTHER EMACS WEB SERVER) INSTALLED IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS TO BECOME ROOT

#701542 +(1808)- [X]

<Jarik_Tentsu> Gah, I just snorted while laughing.
<Jarik_Tentsu> And I have a cold.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Urgh, this is disgusting.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Luckily, it missed my girlfriend - they're hard to clean.
<Jarik_Tentsu> err...
<Jarik_Tentsu> *girlfriend = keyboard.
<Jarik_Tentsu> O_O

#701644 +(1555)- [X]

<coolbreze> heres a better qustion; what is the qucikest way to set up and FTP Server?
<SpeedEvil> coolbreze: post your root password in a warez group.

#702016 +(-238)- [X]

<[AOD]Jrgsubzero> Lag isn't something you should have to get used to.
<[AOD]Jrgsubzero> Its like getting used to hilter killing jews.

#702057 +(367)- [X]

<Panzurfaust> I love stupid ass people.
<Cade> You're so damn conceited.

#702287 +(1444)- [X]

<jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that fucker's going down."

#702289 +(2487)- [X]

<Shadow> what the fuck
<Shadow> my moniter just went black
<Shadow> then came back on
<&Aphrodite> You're lucky
<&Aphrodite> I heard normally they never go back

#702332 +(740)- [X]

<APC> I steal from the automated checkout all the fucking time now
<APC> Well, I still pay
<APC> I just lie about what I bought
<APC> for instance
<APC> 2 pounds of bananas costs less than say, 2 pounds of hustler and playboy

#702568 +(1613)- [X]

<Mithandir> it's interesting how much you can tell about the designers of a product by looking at the end result
<Mithandir> for instance I can clearly tell that whomever thought it was a good idea to have "exit program" and "suspend computer" buttons on a keyboard didn't have cats

#702617 +(1122)- [X]

<Jim Kuhn> I just think it is silly that if I live in certain states in a 'free country' that I am not allowed to even read a poker forum.
<DrSavage> What gave you an impression that you live in a free country?
<bigalt> fox news

#702658 +(1282)- [X]

Yogo: i hate stupid people!!!!!
Yogo: stood in the queue at a self service checkout
Yogo: guy infront scans a bottle of milk and looks at the screen, a message pops up and an automated voice say "please place item in bagging area"
Yogo: he looks at the screen, then tries to scan the item again
Yogo: and again, "please place item in bagging area"
Yogo: so his wife looks all confused, grabs the milk and....
Yogo: tries to fucking scan it again!!
Yogo: i was almost in tears
Yogo: i think these machines should be build so if it has to tell you what to do 3 times a small arm should pop out and remove that persons reproductive organs!


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