#644205 +(2294)- [X]
<kasierlord55> hi guyz how r u all doin???
<Blarrrg> Dear kasiserlord55,
<Blarrrg> Please stop raping me.
<Blarrrg> The English Language.
#644228 +(552)- [X]
<Omnica> Man, I love air new zealand... the flight attendant was saying the usual about emergency exits and shit when suddenly "and for those passengers who are sitting in first class, instead of life jackets, you will find parachutes under your seat thank you and enjoy your flight"
#644234 +(630)- [X]
<Daniel> I am from Texas.
<Daniel> I do not consider myself an American.
<DragonAtma> That's okay
<DragonAtma> As we wish texas wasn't part of the US
#644266 +(475)- [X]
<slot|processor> I thought today was the day I would meet a hot chick reading an oracle book in books-a-million.... but i was once again wrong.
<sdodson> It turned out to be a dude?
<sdodson> He was reading a MySQL book?
#644329 +(4033)- [X]
Drahmen: I unbutton your blouse and start to massage your brest.
Higgs23: I moan and start to undo your pants.
Drahmen: Wait a minute...This is the wrong window.
Higgs23: I noticed.
Drahmen: WTF dude?
Higgs23: I felt like playing along.
#644678 +(411)- [X]
SansMuse: is there a word for using words in a passage from a language other than the one you're writing in?
mr telnorp: Pretentiousness?
#644782 +(593)- [X]
Pep Boy Manny02: I was a little disappointed yesterday.
Pep Boy Manny02: Got "Religion for Dummies" from the library.
Pep Boy Manny02: You know how the "...For Dummies" books usually have the bomb icon for, "Don't do this!"?
Pep Boy Manny02: This one didn't.
#644835 +(1784)- [X]
<Blabber> i just started working out, to get me some muscle and feel confident
<Blabber> so after the first time, i come home and look at myself in the mirror
<Blabber> to see if there is already improvement
<Blabber> my mom steps in and says "you look good enough to play in a warmovie"
<Blabber> so she boosts my confidence and i say thx! like a sergeant you mean?
<Blabber> and i swear to god then she says: no like a concentration camp victim
<Blabber> she left the room laughing her ass off...
#644887 +(586)- [X]
<dp> theres no games stores near me
<dp> and by near i mean walking distance
<dp> and by walking distance i mean within 30 metres
#644921 +(389)- [X]
Schraitle: IP's are like old phone numbers because when you get a new one you're stuck with all the shit that the person who had it before you did.
Schraitle: for instance, the guy who had my IP before i did had a lot of fun spamming irc and getting himself blocked from every website that i like to go to
#644937 +(553)- [X]
Cope: we have been so bored at work we made a sport
Cope: we call it condomball
Cope: theres a used condom thrown in the ally and if the ball touches it the game is over forever
#645008 +(373)- [X]
mellotron: wow, this is just begging for police investigation
Indolentron: dont worry! it's porn *for* children!
Indolentron: the word of the day is "clitoris!" can you find the clitoris on this woman's vulva?
#645181 +(758)- [X]
<blorpy> can't look, i'm work
<blorpy> i'll check it out later
#645382 +(94)- [X]
<Mnemonix> your code was so bad it crashed pastebin
#645506 +(173)- [X]
<jHeriKurl> some kid once told me supermans only weakness was kyptonite
<jHeriKurl> then i lit his comic book on fire
<jHeriKurl> and said
<jHeriKurl> i guess bic lighters too
#645751 +(655)- [X]
(+shadebug) so, I just spent half an hour getting a latino radio station to work on my computer
(+shadebug) you know, to keep abreast of the latino music scene
(+shadebug) finally get it working
(+shadebug) they're playing coldplay
#645842 +(74)- [X]
<<Cerberus>> i swear, these nintendo fanboys remind me of girls. those girls who fall in love with the guy who takes their virginity, the girls that keep calling him 4 years later even tho he has changed his name to sadiq after he got raped in jail
#645874 +(602)- [X]
(@Morkoth) i drove over a man changing his tire on the highway once
(@Morkoth) they never caught me
([P]Rhea) *The FBI monitors all channels on IRC*
(@Morkoth) fucker ruined my suspension
(@Morkoth) Did I say drove over? I meant got out and helped
(@Morkoth) yep helped him change the tire
(@Morkoth) after setting off regulation flares, and parking 3 meters from the bumpber and activating my four way signals
#645921 +(873)- [X]
SeanM: Go ahead and try it - just back up the database first.
PaulN: I am pretty confident everything will just work.
SeanM: That is the tech equivalent of "hey guys watch this!"
#646042 +(1525)- [X]
<tyrius> i have no job, no car, no gf
<tyrius> its 4am, sitting in my parents basement
<tyrius> my fingers are now permanent orange from the cheetos, and so is my wang (dont ask)
<tyrius> and dont you hate it when you step in a puddle of cum, then step in leftover dry ramen on the floor
<tyrius> if you let this shit dry, its impossible to get off. like instant liquid cement
<ef_slinky> You make me feel so good about my life right now. Thank you.
#646095 +(462)- [X]
<Rockman_20xx> Life goal: Have three kids, name them CTRL, ALT, and DEL. If they piss me off, hit em twice.
#646230 +(772)- [X]
Veav: I would do weird things with my kids.
Veav: Their first language will be BASIC.
Veav: They'll be running around yelling "10 print daddy, 20 print daddy, 30 print can I have some candy, 40 input x?"
Chef Brian: So Veav, I take it they won't be functional members of any society?
Veav: And I'd be all "X = NO!"
#646246 +(997)- [X]
<Javin> God I hate people.
<Javin> I'm trying to program here, and some chick walks in and starts gabbing over my shoulder about nonsense.
<Javin> So I continue to work, and just ignore her. Apparently, she took this to mean I was "frowning."
<Javin> Her: "You know, it takes 36 muscles to frown, and only 12 to smile."
<Javin> Me: "And none at all to ignore you with utter indifference."
<Javin> Apparently that wasn't as subtle as I thought it was. She took the hint.
#646418 +(726)- [X]
<Ashley`> thats the first example of sex with a birdhouse ive ever seen
<[Rabite]> second here
<[Rabite]> but definately the funnier of the two
#646624 +(452)- [X]
t903576: When I got arrested my dad told me "Youre lucky there arent any "doctors" around here that will perform 72nd trimester abortions"!
#646735 +(1234)- [X]
<MDRL> when i want to remember shit
<MDRL> i write it on my arm
<MDRL> problem being, i wake up the next morning
<MDRL> with, like, "30 foot tall cock" on my forearm and no context
<MDRL> i'm sure it was a great idea
<MDRL> but i'll never know for sure
#646776 +(3182)- [X]
Dr-Mambo: so yeah
Dr-Mambo: how about that <recent current event>
Dr-Mambo: did you catch that <local sporting event> last weekend?
Willuknight: no i missed <local sporting event> but i did manage to get to <recent current event> and it was pretty damm cool
Willuknight: i met <person we both know> there as well, they were with some friends
Dr-Mambo: oh thats just <emotive statement>
Willuknight: <unecessary agreement>
Dr-Mambo: well im going to go <masterbate furiously> to <lesbian pornogrophy>
Dr-Mambo: <parting statement>
#646783 +(902)- [X]
<JDigital> Religion in Northern Ireland actually has only very little to do with religion
<bee> is it more like stamp collecting
<Divine> Yes, except there are only two different stamps. And they want to kill each other.
#646798 +(764)- [X]
Kat: Coincidence may favor the bold, but I think irony favors the italic.
#646950 +(447)- [X]
<leefal> Holy shit! Zacarias Moussaoui must have downloaded a serious ammount of albums to get 6 life sentences.
#647033 +(312)- [X]
You Are Hemp: i bit my lip pretty hard today
You Are Hemp: there was blood on the opposite side
You Are Hemp: didnt get me laid though
hobopower113: does biting ones lip usually get one laid?
You Are Hemp: i guess not...
#647049 +(1304)- [X]
sitexec: okay, question
sitexec: if you have a whole loaf of bread, and 3 peices have mold, are the rest okay?
kitchen: sitexec, not bread
kitchen: cheese yes, bread no
sitexec: they wernt touching each other
kitchen: doesnt matter
sitexec: hmm, second question
sitexec: what if ive eaten it already?
#647060 +(928)- [X]
<@Rask> ... oh man
<@Rask> The next version of TCP/IP
<@Rask> Must replace SYN and ACK
<@Rask> with ORLY and YARLY
#647279 +(522)- [X]
creativeembassy: you know what's really, REALLY cool about the dvorak keyboard?
creativeembassy: when you're playing hangman, all you gotta do is hit everysingle key on the home row, and you automatically kick your opponent's ass
#647290 +(1871)- [X]
lemonlimeskull: You know you've been chatting too long when you think C:/> is some kind of depressed Arab smiley.
#647601 +(1520)- [X]
Jeffrey: Our customers at Cox are simply amazing.
Jeffrey: So I'm trying to troubleshoot this customer's cable. I tell her to punch in "zero, three" on the remote control.
Jeffrey: These instructions were followed shortly by two tones in my ear.
#647615 +(565)- [X]
<@semi> heres the way I see it
<@semi> they say you are supposed to spend two months salary on the ring
<@semi> better do that now when you are earning 50 bucks a month
#647694 +(767)- [X]
<HorseC> parrots are like children... you spend 2-3 years teaching them to talk, then the rest of your life wishing you never did.
#647796 +(562)- [X]
(@xt) mexican independence day is sept 16th i believe
(@xt) may 5th has significance in pueblo mexico and those from pueblo .. its not celebrated by most of mexico
(@mitch) day they defeated the french
(@RossH) dude.....if everyone celebrated on a day they defeated the french it'd be a year-round holiday
#647923 +(478)- [X]
<TWK|Tharensk> im sure you could've googled it
<Fneb> nice to know people still haven't learnt to google :/
<Accipiter> Nice to know that some ppl still can throw arrogant comments on ppl who doesn't know the entire world encyclopedia :/
<skenk> yea because google is clearly in an obscure corner in britannica as far as public knowledge goes
#648012 +(430)- [X]
<smearedink> what's your SAT score?
<|nevermind|> smearedink: 1930
<smearedink> are you serious?!?!?!?!
<smearedink> fuck no
<smearedink> i hate this
<smearedink> all the dumb people try to act smart
<smearedink> and all the smart people try to act dumb
<|nevermind|> smearedink: welcome to IRC
#648048 +(423)- [X]
balial: docvin: 24 blows
docvin: I know, but I can't stop watching.
docvin: It's like a fat stripper.
docvin: OK, that wasn't a very good analogy.
#648232 +(1641)- [X]
<Jlax> i just opened microsoft word
<Jlax> apperently, i only had the trial version
<Jlax> and it expired yesterday
<Jlax> so i read the message it gave me
<Jlax> "some features may become unavailable"
<Jlax> then i discovered what some of those features were:
<Jlax> DOCUMENT VIEWING
#648252 +(-230)- [X]
Centurion04> did you see the terri schiavo .gif?
Centurion04> it was a .jpg
#648305 +(1800)- [X]
MorningQueen: Why are you against abortion?
MassHypnosisJoe: I'm just against women making choices
#648341 +(20)- [X]
<Analyzer> I'm on the come-down
<Analyzer> I ran out of heroin at 10 this morning
<Breathe> You're gonna be such a good daddy :D
<Analyzer> You'll have to watch the police blotter to see just how good
#648361 +(721)- [X]
<tarheelcoxn> iank has trouble with English. his native language is Python
<iank> I'm forced
<iank> To indent
<iank> My sentences
#648377 +(1058)- [X]
<Vorpy> seriously, "alote"? what is your first language?
<Vorpy> do you buy ingredients at a shoppe?
<Vorpy> ye olde shoppe?
<Vorpy> is where ye buye ye goodes?
<Vorpy> muche goodes are needed with whiche to cooke
<Vorpy> to cooke alote of foodes, ye neede alote of goodes from ye olde shoppe
#648665 +(918)- [X]
mcilhemnny: see, this is why I like bittorrents
mcilhemnny: Family guy, Seasons... 1-4 + the movie
mcilhemnny: Now thats fucking organisation
mcilhemnny: I don't have to do any work
mcilhemnny: I just sit on my fucking ass and wait...
mcilhemnny: 196.5 days...
mcilhemnny: awww... the simple life
#648801 +(2948)- [X]
<Demon Beaver> So, at the LAN-party, there was a new guy.
<Demon Beaver> And when he went for a drink, we snuck up to his pc, and created a folder called Horse-Porn on the desktop.
<Demon Beaver> Then we took a screenshot, put it as his wallpaper, and deleted the folder.
<Demon Beaver> He tried to get rid of that folder for 3 hours! ^^