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#639443 +(884)- [X]

< int0x80> oh man today is my lucky day
< int0x80> i ripped this fart, but someone sneezed really loud at exactly the same time
< int0x80> so nobody heard my fart
<@vom> int0x80: that means an angel got its wings

#639484 +(1696)- [X]

Delilah> I hate parties, because you have to look good, but if you look too good other girls get jealous, and if you look not good enough they talk nasty about you.
[kerrrigan] yeah
[kerrrigan] that never happens at halo parties

#639513 +(1025)- [X]

<Green> So my gf left me... I feel like a load of shit
<vampireslaya> :(
<death_man> Yeah there are these fuckers on IRC who keep shitting on about their damn lives... Fucking gay.
<Green> ...
<xxXpronXxx> What the hell?
<death_man> Erm wrong window
<xxXpronXxx> I see
<vampireslaya7> Anything else you want to tell us, bitch?

#639555 +(3504)- [X]

* @darklyndsea claws bizarre's eyes out
<@Bizarre> (

#639564 +(759)- [X]

<knob> anything that starts with a "k" on linux is "gay"
<Wyred> heh, same as Konveration
<knob> oh shit
* knob is now known as gnob

#639597 +(1197)- [X]

<blue_tetris> 1 in every 5 people are born in China.
<CF|sick> That's why you should never have more than 4 children.

#639709 +(1424)- [X]

<ManicV> i'm saying you're racist
<ManicV> and a child molester
<eco|w> You're just jealous of my ability to multitask.

#639759 +(481)- [X]

< ElAngelo> it's about the most survival city i've been in in the US
< RedKennedy> survival isn't an adjective.

#639762 +(842)- [X]

<su|school> Last period, we were talking about meth with some public speaker.
<su|school> ...
<su|school> And I corrected him.
<su|school> :<

#639797 +(2034)- [X]

<[BAD]Beef> follow my reasoning
<[BAD]Beef> my comp has no floppy drive
<[BAD]Beef> so I go downstairs to make a boot floppy on another comp
<[BAD]Beef> I come back in my room with the floppy in my hand
<[BAD]Beef> and bang my head against the wall

#639861 +(2173)- [X]

<Frankstar> I am so fucking pissed. This one guy sold me his air guitar on ebay for 70 dollars and I still havent fucking received shit.

#639921 +(952)- [X]

<DaWiteBuddha> im leaving for your house now
<AlazrianLeth> take your time, i have to bathe
<DaWiteBuddha> how long does that take
<AlazrianLeth> depends
<DaWiteBuddha> ballpark?
<AlazrianLeth> wrigley field
<DaWiteBuddha> ...god i actually shook my fist at the screen...

#640040 +(53)- [X]

<ChasmyrSS> They MUST import because all local resources have been tapped out.
<Marcus_> this conversation just rose above my pay grade.

#640051 +(198)- [X]

<OMFG> Aw man, i'm almost at my download limit...i dont wanna get shaped to 64k :(
<OMFG> Do you think I could like, ration out 24MB
<OMFG> To last 6 days?

#640170 +(552)- [X]

<TheGardener[Woo]> was buying new trainers... a kid walked by and said to his dad "wow he looks like beckham", the kids dad says "put your glasses back on" :|

#640221 +(722)- [X]

<mwcfan88>  man i really got tan over the past few days
<crack-geanie>  alright thats it you've been warned now you're out of the club
<crack-geanie>  i expect you to return you're pointy hat and flaming cross by tuesday
<mwcfan88>  <:(

#640231 +(839)- [X]

<DuEy> my grandparents just asked me to send an email to my cousin :\ and they gave me the postal address

#640259 +(4099)- [X]

dazed: yeah my mom caught my brother jacking off to Powerpuff Girls
dazed: she didnt yell at him because she was laughing so hard
dazed: she just told everyone at his birthday party the next day
BaileD: You have the most fucked up family ever. Period.

#640476 +(-92)- [X]

<NeloAngelo> i'm pretty sure my foot is broke ^.^
<NateZeiro> then goto a doctor
<NeloAngelo> those quacks cost money
<NateZeiro> then goto guatemala

#640489 +(674)- [X]

<chicken_on_fire> i jammed my memory stick backwards and shorted out the mobo
<Mouser> o shit
<chicken_on_fire> what're the chances of that happening?
<Mouser> 1/1, apparently

#640505 +(44)- [X]

<@k9s> cottage cheese is the curdled milk solids before the cheese is made.
<@k9s> its like 0-day cheese

#640836 +(363)- [X]

<ClayJar_Zzz> AAAAAAAARGH!! I just saw a comercial for Disney's Finding Nemo on ice, and let me tell you, it was exceedingly disturbing.
<pjpreb> how so?
<ClahJar_Zzz> It was like seeing big fish impaled on ice skating mimes.

#640890 +(1385)- [X]

<FBS> how do you know the exact version of bind ?
<FBS> fuck those who answer bind -v or some other bullshit
<eb> bind -v
<ghoz> other bullshit

#640956 +(74)- [X]

paranoidjanitor: so I used the grep command to search through the manual page for the grep command to find the paramater that displays a variable number of lines before the actual output
paranoidjanitor: and the paramaters are all on the previous lines, so I ended up having to search through the manual by hand anyway

#641114 +(3006)- [X]

<Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery
<Produkt> ?
<Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery?
<Produkt> youre a fag

#641583 +(2013)- [X]

Deus_Gear: its time to play
Deus_Gear: random kick
Deus_Gear: !kick random
*** Deus_Gear has been kicked from #illuminati-manga by Deus_Gear: Deus_Gear

#641942 +(3247)- [X]

<Onyxus>: Have you ever been pwned by a 4 year old?  I have, and so has my son.
<Onyxus>: 1.) I was riding in the car with my family and my daughter (as I have taught her) randomly said "I pwned a noob!" Being a proud father I reached back and said "Gimme five" to which she promptly responded "No you're the noob!"
<Onyxus>: 2.) Just today me and the missus were sitting in the living room watching TV while the kids were on the porch playing in their tiny little swimming pool. My son ran up to the back door and was yelling something unintelligible at it, when my daughter ran up behind him and dumped a cup full of water over his head...multiple times. He ran off, most likely to cry in a corner somewhere, and she looked at me through the door and yelled "I pwned a noob Daddy!"
<Onyxus>: Words can not describe the pride I feel in how I've brought up my daughter...

#642195 +(9685)- [X]

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look Iím sorry. Iím just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. Iím in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Donít fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: Iím serious.
sweet17: I donít get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: Iím wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: Itís kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you arenít one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: Iím not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Werenít you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I donít want to send you the picture cause Iím not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops arenít
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. Whatís your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. Iím looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: Iíve lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. Iím not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isnít you.
bloodninja: Iíll be damned if it ainít!
sweet17: You donít look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guyÖ.
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit wonít get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldnít have sent you that picture.
sweet17: Youíve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesnít hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I canít believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I canít believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: Youíd break both of his legs.
sweet17: Youíre a fucking wanker!
sweet17: Iíve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you donít even know me
bloodninja: Ok. Iím sorry.
sweet17: No you arenít
bloodninja: Youíre right. Iím not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: Iím done with you
bloodninja: Aww. Iím sorry.
sweet17: Iím putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: Iíll eat your kitty
sweet17: Youíll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said Iíd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldnít get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: Iíd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well Iím not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I donít know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: Iím afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesnít that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I wonít do it if you donít want me to
sweet17: I didnít say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limpÖ you say ďHARRRR!!!Ē
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You canít be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: Itís my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then youíll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh Ögoing limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: Östill limp
bloodninja: Do it!
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy appleÖ
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabinÖ
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: Ögoing limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

#642504 +(1526)- [X]

<Rose> ahaha...I remember this one time at a tattoo parlour
<Rose> and this girl wanted a tattoo on her lower back
<Rose> and she told the artist "yeah, I want something symbolic"
<Rose> so I wrote "Exit only" in chinese

#643163 +(1542)- [X]

<Sede> I was cleaning out under my waterbed mattress a few years ago and found a razorblade. I was cleaning it out again today and found a 5" long nail. I think I have a suicidal waterbed Sad
<Sede> I also found Auto Insurance from Monopoly, and a broken-off mechanical monkey hand. I don't know how this stuff winds up under my waterbed but it is awesome.
<Kazz> there isn't Auto Insurance in Monopoly
<Kazz> there is in Life though
<Sede> The things that wind up under my matress is like the inventory of an old LucasArts adventure game.
<Sede> I always stashed Auto Insurance somewhere near when playing Monopoly in case I got the car piece. Then I didn't have to pay taxes.
<Sede> I usually got to be the car, because otherwise I'd pick the Scottish-Terrier-riding-a-wheelbarrow-wearing-a-tophat piece, which didn't leave anyone else many options.
<Sede> My dad probably shouldn't have given me a soldering iron for my birthday.

#643308 +(35)- [X]

<qu37z> thats the last time I let a mexican live in my garage
<qu37z> especially a quaker mexican
<qu37z> that fucker gets up at 4am and starts sleeping.

#643378 +(790)- [X]

Cyclone: o i love pussy ;D
McKhaos: i love christmas better
McKhaos: it comes around more often

#643516 +(313)- [X]

<DoktorSeven> emacs is an okay OS but its text editor sucks.

#643564 +(618)- [X]

qreepyboris: However, I can tell you with authority that my French extra credit project is going to ROCK
qreepyboris: We're making a film of a few shortish skits in French
qreepyboris: And one of them is so awesome
qreepyboris: Schindler and Santa accidentally mix up their naughty and nice lists. :-)
qreepyboris: So Santa goes to all the Jews' houses and they're not there, 'cuz they're all in camps
qreepyboris: And I haven't read the whole script, but there is no way it can possibly be not funny

#643595 +(124)- [X]

The_Dv8or: damnit
The_Dv8or: I was in my Jersey office today, waiting for a file to download
The_Dv8or: theyre separate from my company domain... I was bored, and I know they dont monitor Web surfing, and I was on my personal laptop, so I started surfing porn
The_Dv8or: then I just realized.... I had my corporate domain VPN connected the whole time

#643698 +(16)- [X]

<barnacle> rape and sex are really the same thing
<SaxxonPike> Not exactly
<SaxxonPike> Well I can't think of the difference right now
<SaxxonPike> But I think rape is the bad one that you always see in the news
<SaxxonPike> Much like the difference between "nigga" and "nigger" I guess
<SaxxonPike> One is somehow bad, it's all in how you say it
<barnacle> i see

#643744 +(1276)- [X]

Helene: Someone attacked Pearl Harbor?!
Helene: When?!
Helene: My Cousin is stationed there
Helene: omg omg omg
Helene: Was it bad?
Pigtail II: Helen we're talking about WWII

#643745 +(465)- [X]

<Scythe`> What's the worst thing about being a redneck ?
<Scythe`> Tasting your dad's semen when you're eating out your sister
<Galdor> iim thinking.... how would you recognise it as your dads?

#643756 +(439)- [X]

<n00b> how do i make $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ fast!! plz plz plzzzz tell meeeeeee!!!!
<piezocake> Get Vi and type 22i$<esc>

#643784 +(510)- [X]

<Tanzarian> well that's a blow to the confidence
<Tanzarian> some religious guys just came to my door and as they were leaving they left a little magazine thing
<Tanzarian> he looked through his pile for a while and ended up giving me one on the evils of masterbation ...
<Tanzarian> I really should stop answering the door naked with a massive erection

#643785 +(489)- [X]

<hobosexual> i reckon im going to hell
<Caedes> I know how to tell if someone is gong to hell or not.
<Caedes> Q. Are you religious ?
<hobosexual> yes
<Caedes> A. You're going to hell
<hobosexual> makes sense.

#643801 +(313)- [X]

<LinearA> so my boss emails me this resume for a 10AM interview
<LinearA> within 5 mins I trace the email address to a handle to an
          adultfriendfinder account.
<LinearA> !! Why can't people be more careful !!
<LinearA> "Need Hot Top To Fill Me UP!!"

#643852 +(423)- [X]

<Warfle> So get this.
<Warfle> I'm getting my car inspected and theres this girl in line ahead of me.
<Warfle> Pushing her car.
<Warfle> "I don't think she's going to pass inspection"

#643876 +(699)- [X]

<Luthandrel> is anybody in here like, super good with computers?
<Luthandrel> because im having some complicated problems
<Luthandrel> i asked all of my friends who are good with comps but none of them know how to fix it.
<Luthandrel> so is anyone here insanely good with computers?
<Techno-Fab> I don't know if I'm INSANELY good, but I'm willing to give it a shot.
<Luthandrel> Ok thenks.  Do you know how to set the time and date here?
<Techno-Fab> ....

#643907 +(475)- [X]

(fG) I heard this story today at work
(fG) this guy from swindon university, did a test to find out the IQ's of Europe's countires
(fG) and the Ukraine came bottom or some shit
(fG) so Ukraine found out and called him saying like "we heard man, come visit us, we'll pay, we'll show you our inventions etc"
(fG) so he said "yeah cool"
(fG) so he got the tickets in the post, along with itineries of his week
(fG) and he went to the airport, got on the 'plane
(fG) and got off in Budapest.
(fG) Hungary.

#643951 +(266)- [X]

FuzzGod5: The next time someone asks me to write a java program that runs over a network connection, I'm going to print out an entire ream of paper with "try/catch" blocks, crush their heads with it, then jump on their corpse and shout "WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!" triumphantly.

#643973 +(276)- [X]

OhTheCommotion: But checking accounts lead to credit cards, and we both know what credit cards lead to
ardenthechicken: "LOTS OF FREEE STUFF!!!!!!! ^_^"
OhTheCommotion: RIGHT ON!

#644033 +(602)- [X]

+BlackSaturn> did you know congress is thinking about making a law that has more jail time for dling a copyrighted movie than for dling child pr0n?
@tw> Child porn isn't copyrighted.

#644110 +(600)- [X]

(@nd): i should find a hobby
(@nd): other than drinking
(@rawby): put your beer in the freezer
(@rawby): then take up licking

#644166 +(428)- [X]

<BlakeyFox> it's kinda cloudy 'round these parts
<BlakeyFox> good lord, I'm typing in TEXAN!
<BlakeyFox> nasty dialect, it is
<Laila> Now you're typing in Yoda.
<Reiz0r> Texan yoda

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