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#622896 +(1629)- [X]

<PeriSoft> did I tell you about the time we were playing chess?
<PeriSoft> we're playing, and as usual she's pwning me
<PeriSoft> she takes like six of my pieces in a row
<PeriSoft> and then yells, in the deepest voice she has, "KILLING SPREE!@!!!"

#622916 +(1679)- [X]

hehehe8383: school was pretty fun for me cus of the teachers =P
hehehe8383: like i remember this one time in like 5th grade or something
hehehe8383: i got a bloody nose in my math class and i had on a white shirt to boot
hehehe8383: so i went to the nurse for like 10 min. while i was sittin in the nurses office, the period was over so my class left and another class came in
hehehe8383: but i still had my books there so i had to go back in
hehehe8383: so i walk into the classroom with blood stains on my shirt and holding a blood spotted tissue up to my nose
hehehe8383: so the teacher pointed at me and she goes "see what i do to kids who dont do their homework?"
hehehe8383: i swear to you, this kid next to me had a MORTIFIED look on his face as he started scribbling stuff down on some incomplete worksheet =P

#622999 +(1132)- [X]

<b0b> fucking hell dude
<b0b> i hate when the salsa in the jar gets low
<b0b> and I try to get it out with a chip and it gets all of my fingers
<b0b> and i just end up crying myself to sleep with my fingers covered in salsa

#623132 +(2147)- [X]

<Bonz> I saw a debate in the US Congress where the Coast Guard and others were saying it's impossible to smuggle nukes into the US. One of the Congressman asked, "What if they're smart enough to pack it in a bale of marijuana? We know you can't stop THAT."

#623233 +(157)- [X]

<Jugulator> i need meat
<Yogi> meat is the bread of life

#623457 +(2161)- [X]

<predation> so I'm at work and this kid rings the bell on the counter RIGHT behind me
<predation> the kid goes "SORRY" when I turn around
<predation> kid's mom goes "sorry isn't an excuse when you do something stupid on purpose"
<predation> i'm putting it on a t-shirt

#623506 +(931)- [X]

<Rebka> y'know what i dont get? Lesbians who date girls who look like thye may as well be guys... I mean... WTF.. it's like deciding you like skydiving, then buyng a submarine.

#623551 +(823)- [X]

RIPpolaris89: omg, brokeback mountain is soooo gay
Brownie8290: NO SHIT SHERLOCK

#623577 +(306)- [X]

<tyrannosaurus> less is more
<tyrannosaurus> actually no
<tyrannosaurus> they're different binaries
<tyrannosaurus> my bad

#623662 +(1306)- [X]

<Vitor> When exactly did we stop talking about my penis?
<Gummi_Bear> We've moved on to bigger and better things.

#623768 +(529)- [X]

MrLauritson: I have concluded that M$ are a bunch of dirty bastards.
Kestral: Why's that?
MrLauritson: Basically I was talking to one of my female friends on MSN this morning.
MrLauritson: And she said "Well, it's Sunday so I'm going to go have a bath before starting one of those wonderful essays which I love writing so much xD"
MrLauritson: Literally JUST as she says that, I get a message at the top of the screen telling me that we both have webcams and can have a video conversation o.O

#623871 +(325)- [X]

<Omini> Worst... day... ever...
<Omini> I was on the crapper, and my right big toe hurt a little - so while I took a crap I decided to investigate...
<Omini> As soon as I took my sock off, I swear - the smell from my feet and the smell from my crap collided - if it was a movie, it would have cut scene to a nuclear explosion.

#623918 +(344)- [X]

<swl> I got a tshirt for my birthday that says "This ain't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine"
<swl> i wonder if it was a nice gesture or not :P

#623969 +(29)- [X]

<Freman> I just asked my boss why he's doing all the new gigabit runs in cat5 (not even cat5e) instead of cat6e... the fool replies and says "cat6e has bugs in it"....

#624098 +(851)- [X]

< Wombles> i rang up a taxi friday... drunk.. and in in a pirate accent.. i said "Yarr ahoy me maitie! i need me a row boat to take me back to me ship which is docked at <insert address>"
< Wombles> i can believe one came.

#624106 +(1107)- [X]

pi4arctan1guy: I cam home from grocery shopping and there wasn't enough room for all my food and I thought "This isn't fair! Most people never have to deal with the frustration of not being able to fit all their food in their refrigerators!" Then, I put my hands on my big white belly and laughed a very deep laugh, while my top hat bobbed up and down and my cane leaned against my stack of property deeds and hundred dollar bills.

#624182 +(1135)- [X]

<+PeterFA> I'm naked.
<+zinx> whoever invented text-only communication
<+zinx> ruled

#624194 +(572)- [X]

<pixadel> Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like.

#624209 +(1469)- [X]

<Nickster> Time for me to make some breakfast! :)
<Nickster> Is anyone from England? I have a question.
<Speck> Im from England and if your asking about english muffins Ill kick you.
<Nickster> nvm then.

#624285 +(391)- [X]

<feikkikuotti> heard about the accident?
<`Riku> no, what, who, where?
<feikkikuotti> my bro got hit by a bus, got both of his legs amputated :(
<`Riku> so you got half brother then?

#624302 +(610)- [X]

< ispiked> I really hate how these ads have girls in them with their locations based on your ip address.
< ispiked> the same girls live in raleigh and in winston-salem, apparently.
< shaldannon> lol
< shaldannon> they ...uh.... get around

#624369 +(809)- [X]

-!- blehhhhh [n=muhammad@213-193-176-96.adsl.easynet.be] has joined #perl
<blehhhhh> hello guys, how am i able to create an array of socks ?
<mmlj4> open a drawer?

#624688 +(1077)- [X]

(Cdian)If anyone wants to see it, I have the entire series of "goatse" pictures, not just the most famous one. You'd be horriffied to see exactly what that man can fit up his arse.
(em-p)Yeah cause when I saw goatse.cx my first thought was "where can I find MORE?" and then, when I found more? "I'm going to hold onto these!" I just don't KNOW you anymore dude.

#624721 +(387)- [X]

<scenestar> chuck norris jokes are the web 2.0 equivalent of "all your base"

#624991 +(84)- [X]

st0rmf1re: http://www.wimp.com/jeopardyho/
ruotfk: is this SFW?
st0rmf1re: no, wmv

#625032 +(898)- [X]

<johnnyt> holy crap. have to do a 1500 word history essay
<heffalump75> hey u know the saying....
<heffalump75> just draw 1.5 pictures

#625149 +(1756)- [X]

<[Midgard]Reynard[50DRG]> a friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies

#625180 +(1333)- [X]

<Bao> A friend from college is now getting her PhD in biomedical engineering, and she has a pet rat she has to experiment on, and she had to castrate it for her next procedure.
<Bao> Apparently the thing wasn't fully under anaesthesia, and when she was shaving it, it ejaculated on her.
<Bao> And the most horrible thing is that she shrugs it off and is like, "Who'd have thought the first handjob I'd ever give would be to a rat?!"

#625276 +(905)- [X]

{RainmakeR}: fuck I'm a retard
{RainmakeR}: I was trying to use windows magnifier to enlarge the dead pixel area to look at it better
{RainmakeR}: i had it open for like 5 seconds, then like "wait a minute... "

#625311 +(101)- [X]

<Jaques> What if there was a Resident Evil game in France?
<sands> it'd be boring as shit
<sands> all the zombies would run away

#625424 +(757)- [X]

<Silellak> The Oscars are fucking lame.  Hollywood giving itself a self-congratulatory blowjob over how artsy and deep and relevant it is
<Silellak> When I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in their montage of movies that addressed serious issues I wanted to throw something at the screen.
<Silellak> Because Day After Tomorrow was as much about global warming as Independence Day was about gay rights

#625794 +(1054)- [X]

<+CrackB[a]be> jag sa inget om ¬ f¬ stock
<+CrackB[a]be> nČrmsta stock jag kommer hČr Čr dildo haha
<+PurpleHelmetWarrior> i understood dildo, and thats all that i need to know

#625822 +(725)- [X]

Scott: i need a title for an essay about how i go over and above what is asked of me
Scott: because its a reflection on myself
Austin: "Second to None: The Story of How I Spit on God"

#625865 +(1165)- [X]

Jeffrey: Heh, what an ass. My friend Vann just beat me at Chess, and he checkmated me by putting my king in check with a pawn...Then saying PAWNED!!1!

#625882 +(861)- [X]

<Dave123> So I thereís this virgin girl  I know, she is Inconceivable
<Turtleman> no she's unbearable
<NINJAmes> no you idiots, she's Impregnable

#625959 +(654)- [X]

* McPierce once wrote a webserver in VB that was more powerful than apache.
< bkjones> I once coded an operating more powerful than windows using PHP  while standing on my head and driving a car.
< ScottCh> I once mistyped a command in emacs, and made a more powerful webserver than IIS

#625970 +(651)- [X]

<Sonic> snow tomorrow. yay. 
<Turtle> No snow in the hill country of Texas....where are you expecting your snow, sonic? 
<moc> no snow in houston either 
<Sonic> pennsylvania 
<Sonic> only about 4 more inches 
<2slim> we have 4 feet here in Idaho 
<fiver> is that due to inbreeding slim?

#625995 +(361)- [X]

<shok-> ha! just yesterday I was wondering why more solar power applications aren't being built
<shok-> but they are in Shanghai.
<shok-> oh communists, what won't you do?
<Ben^> last for more than a century?

#626063 +(1613)- [X]

<chuck> I just got two CDs from AOL. Two CDs in one package. One is gold, for dial-up. The other is Silver, for Cable/DSL broadband. They came in a box that was half gold and half silver. The back of the box enumerates the difference between the two available plans.
<chuck> The CDs have different features listed on their labels.
<chuck> I diff'd them. They're identical.
<chuck> bit for bit:
<chuck> chkno$ md5sum /dev/cdrom
<chuck> 43cf5b370b5d85a74afc2449f445579d /dev/cdrom
<chuck> chkno$ md5sum /dev/cdrom
<chuck> 43cf5b370b5d85a74afc2449f445579d /dev/cdrom

#626094 +(563)- [X]

<JRJohn> At my high school we had a high school cop who would walk around proudly displaying his 9mm glock.
<JRJohn> also, he had about 10 boxes of ammo in his desk.
<ZoFreX> that's a little unsafe
<ZoFreX> ammo should be locked up
<JRJohn> WHY would you need more ammunition than there are kids in the school?
<ZoFreX> doubletap?

#626110 +(668)- [X]

LutherBifteck: I bet if I wished I was a shapeshifter
LutherBifteck: The genie would give me the power to change triangles into squares
LutherBifteck: And I would be annoyed.

#626249 +(2849)- [X]

<Handy> There are 2 kinds of people in the world.
<Handy> 1. Those who need closure.
<Marko> And?
<DavyP> AND?

#626251 +(166)- [X]

<Gorsha> im starting to get pissed with photobucket
<Gorshal> i drew a simple picture and posted it in photobucket and it still shrank the picture to be tiny
<Gorshal> i cant figure out wtf the problem is
<PG> try uploading a pic of your penis
<PG> it's the one thing small enough photobucket won't shrink

#626285 +(394)- [X]

Dan: It may be Saturday morning, but IRC is the protocol that never sleeps!
azc: As far as I know, the only protocol that sleeps is ACPI :D

#626395 +(537)- [X]

QB: My brother went to see the Globetrotters last night...
QB: <spoilers>Globetrotters won!</spoilers>
Come: ARG
Come: I HAD THAT ON TAPE

#626425 +(531)- [X]

<PsychoStreak> Now you can get that 8 ball glass eye you've been wanting.
<ircDaemon> then I can shake my head and people can read my condescending answer without me even saying anything!

#626457 +(493)- [X]

<dd> who wants to fight me?
<i8b4uUnderground> not me
<i8b4uUnderground> or not i, should i say
<i8b4uUnderground> or i should say, i should say

#626537 +(278)- [X]

<@michael`_> and i found out that some sophomore at my school ran a stop sign and some dude going the speed limit slammed into her car
<@michael`_> killing her two friends
<@michael`_> she was drunk as hell, apparently
<@michael`_> and she just got acquitted of vehicular manslaughter today
<@michael`_> shes on facebook too
<@michael`_> Sarah Pennell wrote
<@michael`_> at 10:49pm March 2nd, 2006
<@michael`_> You.....Me....Large amounts of alcohol = this weekend!!

#626676 +(1636)- [X]

ShamanMumboJumbo: Dude, I hate AIM Triton but I had to get it because all my friends have it and I can't share files otherwise
ViewtifulDom: Peer2Peer Pressure?

#626884 +(741)- [X]

Frencheneesz: what if there was a super hero who had the power to transfer his own boredom to his enemies?
SombrousKnight: how'd he get these powers? gamma radiation while waiting in line at the DMV?


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