#616101 +(1022)- [X]
<J-Dawg> no, I just refuse to turn on my heat after my $255 heating bill
<WeirdAl> 1 dollar more and you'd need another bit
#616259 +(3910)- [X]
<Jenny> I love you.
<Jenny> I just wanted you to know, incase you were starting to doubt.
<Phalanx> My bro's not here right now, and by the way he's cheating on you.
#616340 +(464)- [X]
@redhook: I'm surprised california doesnt require large neon writing on handguns that say "WARNING: Bullet Comes Out Here ->>>" pointing at the barrel
#616678 +(27)- [X]
Nobdepot signed on at 4:00:27 PM.
VenuSparkle85 (4:00:37 PM): hey
Nobdepot (4:00:39 PM): hey
VenuSparkle85 (4:00:41 PM): brb
Nobdepot (4:00:54 PM): wtf??? you messaged me just to say that?]
Nobdepot (5:43:35 PM): ...
#616894 +(1681)- [X]
<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say in an evil voice "she's not here right now"
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying "I'm sorry"
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you :p
<inspin> well no, but I don't think I'm getting my knife back anytime soon :(
#616895 +(2738)- [X]
[translated from German]
<MuschiExpress> kater are you there?
<MuschiExpress> What kind of spaz are you?
<KoolerKater> what's up?
<MuschiExpress> You were supposed to burn my holiday videos on DVD for my wife
<MuschiExpress> NOT your porn collection ffs
<KoolerKater> omg wait a minute... you said you wanted the holiday stuff and that porn
<MuschiExpress> Yes, but on TWO, in numbers, 2, you understand, TWO DVDs!!!
#616898 +(943)- [X]
<Korru> Quite friendly hacker/account thief
<Korru> Returned my account, got a message in email with the password.
<Korru> "Thanks for the loan"
#617003 +(1558)- [X]
<Rjx> see i'm fully willing to honour "valentines day" as long as the female in question honours "naked nintendo day"
#617073 +(22)- [X]
GregatCW: gee, the more people are paid the more useless they are? "For the most part, typing skills are inversely proportional to salary; meaning, the more money someone makes, the worse they are at typing."
suoiritras: so, except, does that mean myspace is occupied by billionaires?
GregatCW: .... must be... you've discovered the secret to my space...
#617265 +(1314)- [X]
<apeloverage> my friend was fired from his job in a sex shop
<apeloverage> when his boss found evidence that he'd been looking at bus timetables on his work computer
#617477 +(1377)- [X]
<Nichole> at what point do you cross that line from "seeing someone" to "boyfriend/girlfriend" status
<RobbiePaul> After he starts hitting you
<Nichole> fist or open handed?
#617492 +(551)- [X]
<+Toba> heh, you can chmod a file to 007
<+Toba> license to be killed
#617739 +(153)- [X]
* Josh` is listening to : In Flames - Vacuum.mp3
<NoEvidenZ> that song sucks.
#617880 +(2324)- [X]
<anial8r> you know what? KFC is ONE letter yes ONE letter away from fuck.
<anial8r> i have just thought of their next motto
<anial8r> KFC! the only thing missing is U!
#618078 +(2096)- [X]
ErrorHst : im getting tired of your ignorance
DoomDayMassacre : im not ignoring u
#618165 +(2780)- [X]
* Sinbad changes topic to '15000 atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk'
#618396 +(905)- [X]
<zshzn> the other day my programming teacher said "Richaaaard....I have a technical problem"
<zshzn> I looked over to see that his tower was gone. just not there.
<zshzn> how that happened, I don't know
<zshzn> about four of us went and stood around his desk in quiet confusion
<zshzn> one of them was like 'at least you still have a mouse...'
#618579 +(2245)- [X]
<Altair> hey guys
<Altair> gotta question for you all.
<Altair> If you could listen to one song before you died, what would it be?
<Spike> The song that never ends?
#618715 +(-181)- [X]
<Buzzons> its not i dont know how to do it, its just i dont know why its erroring
#618717 +(489)- [X]
<C@^^31> data mining is a lucrative business, my uncle founded Datatown over near Silicon Valley back in '49
<C@^^31> died of the 01001lung
#618750 +(1386)- [X]
<Fong Pei> So... today in class, we were playing with voice recognition on a power book.
<Fong Pei> Someone told it "Computer, destroy the world as we know it"
<Fong Pei> Right after that was said... someone else's laptop finishes booting up and plays the windows sound...
<Fong Pei> whole class bursted out laughing
#618970 +(1298)- [X]
<PoPsI>Today in english, my teacher asked us to write down one thing we regretted or wondered what would've happened if we had done something else.
<PoPsI>After that, he asked us to share some and he picked me.
<PoPsI>He's like "What did you write down?" and i say "I wonder what would've happened if i had taken the red pill..."
<PoPsI>Then everyone stared at me...it was hella funny.
#619062 +(2209)- [X]
<Serpentor> My sister has this one friend of hers (who's 19 about to turn 20).. goddamit the girl is the cutest thing .. (her friend, not my sister you fucking pervert). Whenever I see her I want to fucking beat off (again, the friend, not my fucking sister you misinterpretter)
<PainBreak> i think Serpentor has a guilty conscience
#619483 +(1971)- [X]
<Viperz> I don't know what to write on my college application for community service that I've done...
<SG> Priest in World of Warcraft
#619614 +(2623)- [X]
<Conflict> my girlfriend tattooed this guy's dick last week and when i came home i was like "how'd the tattoo go?" and she goes "fine, except that I needed both hands so I had to hold his cock in my mouth." i was like "thats ni-you whaaa?!??"
#619650 +(812)- [X]
<pokerface> Mac development is OK, so long as you don't mind that your target audience is likely to be you and the three other mac guys.
<TheFeniX_Work> last I checked there were at least 9 Mac gamers out there. Show some respect for the demographic pokerface.
<pokerface> Respect begins with double digits.
#619711 +(1460)- [X]
<Bowstring> Notice how people always associate mental people with carrying knives? If they were really mental they'd try to stab people with a hoover or something.
#619762 +(776)- [X]
<happyguy> guess what! i actually found jeans of length 30-34!
<trio82> you wear 30-34's? whats ur height and weight?
<happyguy> 6'3", 150lbs
<banished> youre 6'3" and you weigh 150lbs?
<banished> i thought you said you were american
#620218 +(853)- [X]
[PlatypusMan] You're cluttering the chat.
[PlatypusMan] It's like littering on a highway.
[PlatypusMan] Somewhere an e-indian is crying.
#620397 +(2221)- [X]
[Sativa] My sister earlier, got pulled over by a cop
[Sativa] He said 'Can I see your licence'
[Sativa] And she gave him her credit card on accident
[Sativa] And he is like 'I only accept cash'
#620553 +(113)- [X]
<@Vacorsis> The universe is racist
<@Vacorsis> At night you can see thousands of stars, and none of them are black
<@Vacorsis> That's just total bullshit
#620757 +(225)- [X]
Mizz0Spiegel: There were so many southerners in florida
Shinigaami: Uhh, maybe that's because Florida's in the south.
#620923 +(104)- [X]
hitm4n: the next 3 auctions all end within 2 mins of each other
hitm4n: 1h11m, 1h12m and 1h14m on each
caffeinekid: for a minute there, I thought you were having trouble spelling your nick :s
caffeinekid: i should pay more attention
#620964 +(-10)- [X]
<Sordly> One of the worst moments of anyone's life would have to when you realize there's only enough peanut butter to cover the front half of your body ...
<Whatanut> That's only a problem until one realizes there's still the jelly...
<Sordly> True, true
<Madster> Whatanut... ew
#620992 +(-9)- [X]
<|LK|Masterknight89> man i wonder why im never invoved in the net split
#621022 +(2889)- [X]
<Andrew> I just used my mastercard for the first time
<Andrew> I'm a man now.
<debian_> what u buy
#621029 +(1469)- [X]
Walbanger: i got the greatest pick-up line ever
Walbanger: But i cant tell you because you're a girl
nekofairy: Harvey, are you gay?
#621091 +(881)- [X]
<bLank> I was just watching Swordfish and the senators assistant hands him a floppy disc and says "Sir, we have a problem" ... I'm sorry, but nothing important has ever been able to fit on a floppy disc, there's no way the senator is going to have his fly-fishing disturbed for 1.4 mb
#621255 +(-96)- [X]
(+RossH) I don't get tested....I just fuck women.....and tell them I have aids......when they freak out....go get tested and call me crying from joy because they are clean I know I passed
(+RossH) I'm cheap
#621403 +(272)- [X]
<Mak0> history class was hilarious today
<Mak0> teacher asks "can anyone name a law put into effect by a president that they dont agree with?"
<Mak0> my response: "the Emancipation Proclamation"
<Mak0> its ok though, its a honors class so of course no black people are in it
#621568 +(2301)- [X]
< Darien> I saw a coworker trying to figure out how to make his chair lean back
< Darien> he was on the ground looking at the bottom of it
< Darien> we talk about the chairs for a minute or so
< Darien> then he puts on his headset, hits a button on his phone, and says 'Sorry ma'am, thanks for holding.'
#621572 +(920)- [X]
[sp00n06] i don't get math
[vinyard] you get even?
#621588 +(1262)- [X]
icemann182002: YOU ARE FUCKING GAY IF YOU READ THIS.
Jambalaya : shit, I guess I'm gay now
Shibs: What? I can't make out the message.
#621643 +(329)- [X]
<Dissident> I just wrote an entire paper of complete BS
<Dissident> and not just BS, but horribly obvious BS
<Dissident> like something a stoned person would have written
<Dissident> a very stoned person
<Dissident> who passed out on the keyboard halfway through
<Chaos> "The industrial revolution was gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg"
#621695 +(836)- [X]
Marumekomu> This silence is far from golden
<Marumekomu> that reminds me, I need a shower
#622468 +(499)- [X]
Vipar87: so my old ass english teacher starts going on about passing a failing kids when she starts up a story about this school bus driver who needed to pass this class to keep his job. Well, he ended up with a D+, failing, but right at the edge of a C, so she nudged him up enough to pass him. A few weeks later, he was in a wreck while driving the school bus. He died, but none of the kids did and she goes "I'm so glad I passed him so he could save those kids..." and I'm like... "Bitch, if you woulda failed him, he'd be alive, and the new, SMARTER bus driver wouldn't have wrecked the bus anyway!"
#622562 +(597)- [X]
<minadein> so my materials lecturer at uni is like
<minadein> "this year we will be focusing on failure"
<minadein> "for those who are repeating the subject, this will be new to you"
#622573 +(979)- [X]
<teddy> bryno, thats the dumbest thing ive ever read
<teddy> and ive read the patriot act...
#622734 +(-323)- [X]
<d!P_$#!+> So do bully's who take your money grow up to be jews?
#622750 +(737)- [X]
<@jjsff8> I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesnt understand math.