#603525 +(633)- [X]
<erl1> my gf is getting 8mbit
<erl1> im glad i didn't dump her
<erl1> im gonna go over to her place with my box and leech
#603526 +(1917)- [X]
<diego>: he says he takes four hours to masturbate
<nate>: now THAT'S endurance
<nate>: well, not endurance
<nate>: endurance implies something admirable... it's more like... "stamina"
<diego>: well id like to see YOU stroke it up and down for four hours
<nate>: wow, and i even got it in writing
#603686 +(320)- [X]
<ravon> kamikaze_: japp
<ravon> kamikaze_: Något i den stilen, men du får lugna dig med parametrarna.
<ravon> kamikaze_: Vadå, förstår du inte vad jag säger? Bra kodde.
<wipu> oh setLocale(Locale.EN)
<ravon> wipu: nah, just speak a random language as retaliation.
<wipu> i just did, my choice was java :)
#603776 +(431)- [X]
<J-Dawg> I tried to buy a hooker with monopoly money once.
<Kyee> how'd that work out for you?
<J-Dawg> my mom said they weren't in monopoly
<J-Dawg> ...they never let me play after that, either...
#603825 +(1917)- [X]
<OmegaHedgehog> Haha, a very funny thing happened to my cousin right before Christmas
<OmegaHedgehog> My cousin was watching South Park with me, something he really isn't supposed to be doing
<OmegaHedgehog> The episode where Cartman thinks a dildo is a sports watch was on
<OmegaHedgehog> So he goes and writes down 'dildo' on his list to Santa
<OmegaHedgehog> His dad goes and reads it and freaks out, and goes up to ask him where he heard what a dildo was
<OmegaHedgehog> He replies with "I heard Cartman talk about it on TV. It's something like a sports watch, right?"
<OmegaHedgehog> So his dad (my uncle) tells him it's a chocolate chip cookie, and asks my aunt to make him some
<OmegaHedgehog> So the next day he goes to school, and here's the best part
<OmegaHedgehog> He gets up in front of the whole class and tells them about how his mom gave him her biggest dildos and how yummy they were
#603832 +(709)- [X]
<d-snp> well actually windows D is my porn reflex
<d-snp> you never know what's under alt tab
<d-snp> it might be more porn :P
#603885 +(570)- [X]
<MrCoffee> Your mom is such a whore, if she was a chmod she'd be 777 because everyone has access
#603905 +(1390)- [X]
syamajala: thats y i applied
stonecrest: why. the word is why.
syamajala: my double u and |-| keys don't double-u-ork.
#603907 +(1635)- [X]
<kikuichimonji> The cook book said to clean the turkey
<kikuichimonji> the oven had a clean button
#603959 +(1178)- [X]
sumgirl4eva12: you are the whitest person i know
holdmeback3322: collaborate and listen
#603994 +(891)- [X]
<Roladex> i was just talking to some girl about bdsm
<Roladex> turns out she thought it was buddhism
#604051 +(835)- [X]
<C@^^31> you say tomato, I say tomato
<C@^^31> doesn't really work when typing
#604095 +(112)- [X]
<CreQ> a lot of millitary interragaters are psychologists
<thecatisold> and a lot of priests are massage therapists
#604121 +(1854)- [X]
<egg> today at work i got totally owned
<egg> i didnt understand something
<egg> and i said
<egg> "you know what i dont get?"
<egg> and a guy i work with said "pussy and respect?"
<egg> i was like :\
#604335 +(2056)- [X]
<raela> man today in bio when I was actually paying attention I heard the best owned story
<raela> this girl learned about blood typing and how to do genetic crosses with it
<raela> so she got all excited, went home, and found out her and her parents blood types from her mom
<raela> she then realized there was no way possible her dad was related to her
<raela> or at least, not the father
<raela> it took her awhile to get her mom to admit it >:D
#604428 +(1139)- [X]
italy4me: i hate fucking people.
italy4me: reverse that
italy4me: i fucking hate people.
#604491 +(716)- [X]
Jokulhaups: I bet that when gays were kids, they always tried to shove the cylinder in the star shaped hole.
#604737 +(2037)- [X]
<Thero> WHAT THE FUCK
<Thero> i just got yelled at for eating ham
<Thero> WHY ARE MY PARENTS PISSED ABOUT ME EATING HAM
<Thero> i didn't eat the ham to begin with
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a plane?
<Neon-azi> did you eat it on a train?
<|silicon> did you eat it on a bar?
<wind> did you eat it in a car?
<hydro> did you eat it in a box?
<hydro> OR WITH A FOX?
#604773 +(1561)- [X]
hotpinkcutie09: yea let me tell you he spent one ENTIRE class talkin about how to spell prapoganda
MisgivenGlassJaw: My guess is that you slept through that lesson
#604861 +(2466)- [X]
Geekie: This chick was yelling at me when I was eating chicken nuggets at mcdonalds today.
Geekie: Like 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO THOSE ANIMAAAAAALS?!?'
Geekie: and this guy behind me goes 'Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to eat my puppy-burger.
Ashleh: What did she do?
Geekie: she stfu. and cried.
#604862 +(8)- [X]
<MiniNinjaSushi> So, I cant be a Bi without having sexual feelings towards girls?
#604869 +(-31)- [X]
Jimmy: no if you punched a care bare do you think it would shoot a rainbow out of its ass
hooges: quite possibly
hooges: or maybe sugar
hooges: If that was the case, we could start a sugar plantation
hooges: just breed carebears and punch them in the face and get the smurfs to harvest the sugar out of their ass
#604881 +(2917)- [X]
Yikes: Someone sneaked into Rob's back yard and PLANTED A TREE this morning
Yikes: Like, a seven-foot deciduous sapling. That's the BEST act of vandalism EVER
#604958 +(-180)- [X]
(+fraseyboy) i got thermal grease on my finger. does this mean its going to melt? O_o!!!
(+chronomaster5042) no, it meand you cant melt, go ahead, touch something hot
(+fraseyboy) wow cool
(+fraseyboy) does it work the same way for cold stuff?
(+chronomaster5042) it THERMAL greese
(+chronomaster5042) not COLD greese
(+fraseyboy) il put my finger in the fridge just to try it out...
#604965 +(1555)- [X]
<Nihility> I wanna buy starcraft cereal.
<NoJuice4u> with marshmallow zerglings????
<Inside> kekekekeke sugar rush
#605390 +(8)- [X]
<Ash2Dust> I'm pisexual. I am attracted to 22/7 different sexes
#605501 +(4306)- [X]
<k2xl> in 1998, i made a C++ program to calculate pi to a billion digits.
<k2xl> i coded it on my laptop (pentium 2 i think) and then ran the program.
<k2xl> the next day i got a new laptop but decided to keep the program running.
<k2xl> it's been over seven years now since i ran it. and this morning it finished calculating.
<k2xl> the output:
<k2xl> "THE VALUE OF PI TO THE BILLIONTH DIGIT IS = "
<k2xl> mindblowing eh?
<k2xl> i looked in the code of my program, and i found out that i forgot to output the value :(.
#605550 +(3394)- [X]
<Dogan> GUYS, STORY TIME
<Dogan> So my teacher's friend's friend or something
<Dogan> She was dogsitting one day
<Dogan> Shows up the first time, finds the dog dead on the floor, right?
<Nightryde> how embarrassing
<Dogan> SO she's gotta pack the dog corpse up and take it to the vet so they can dispose of it or whatever
<Dogan> She can't find anything to fit it in, so she stuffs it in a freaking SUITCASE
<Dogan> She didn't have a car so she has to take the train through Chicago
<Zeelot> oh mannnn
<Dogan> This guy helps her carry the case on and is like
<Dogan> "this is pretty heavy, what's in it?"
<Dogan> lady replies "just some computer things"
<Dogan> the guy SOCKS HER IN THE FACE AND RUNS OFF WITH THE CASE
<Nightryde> AHAHAHA HOW would you pawn that sort of thing???
#605739 +(876)- [X]
mixtapelove6: if a four year old kissed you on the lips twice, what would you do?
Fosforix: hit it with the newspaper and say "no"
#605834 +(620)- [X]
<Trent> ohh, i saw brokeback mountain last night <_<
<Ngamer> pretty good?
<Come> I hear Ebert gave it 1 thumb up and a reacharound.
#606023 +(1795)- [X]
<+Radial> i think my mother knows i watch porn
<+Radial> i can't tell...
<Tsukari> Are you a male?
<+Radial> i am
<Tsukari> She knows.
#606418 +(1162)- [X]
<Tom> i put my username in as tom pocock, and when they sent me the confirmation email, my login name is Tom PoMrWinky
#606476 +(361)- [X]
<richie> its ironic how a flow of blood to the lower regions is only pleasureable to the man
#606658 +(-921)- [X]
Skull: The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
#606775 +(1630)- [X]
<Sarah> lol, i was at a speech and debate tournament in 9th grade at a public high school in albuquerque. the counselor's office was right next to the culinary arts office. on the counselor's office window, there was a poster that said "Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem" and on the culinary arts window there was a poster that read: "Use the right knife"
#606872 +(691)- [X]
<Jaice> I just got a gummy bear stuck in my nose!
<Divination> 100,000 sperm... and you were the fastest?
#606888 +(334)- [X]
<rancid_beaver> im sick and tired of this relationshit
<rancid_beaver> how the fuck did i mispell that?
#606897 +(250)- [X]
<Kackao> music sucks
<Kackao> i just listen to hip hop
#606919 +(682)- [X]
<tetsuo> why do our bathroom signs at work have braille on them?
<tetsuo> for that matter, why do any?
<tetsuo> what kind of cruel fuck wouldn't lead a blind person to a bathroom?
<tetsuo> "I'm kinda busy so here's what you're going to do. Walk down this hallway for about 40 feet. You'll come to an interesection, take a left down that hallway and walk another 20. On your right you'll encounter two doors. Now, I can't tell you which is which, you'll just have to find that out on your own."
#606922 +(276)- [X]
<ColdGhost> i was just sexually harassed by some old grandma
<ColdGhost> i was walkin into my office and some older woman like 60 who works in other office, well she was walkin with me and talking and i was like "sorry my voice is bad today, really rhaspy and low, not sure why" and shes like "well its sexy"
<posaway> i have 2 words for u
<posaway> "no teeth"
#607291 +(747)- [X]
<Caskie> Ive gotta try and write a 17 page letter, but i dont kno what to write
<Fletch> Just write 'i am a fish' 400 times
<Caskie? no! :P, thats a waste of paper
<Fletch> Pfft,Im sick of people saying 'dont waste paper'. If trees wanted to live, they'd all carry guns
#607365 +(589)- [X]
<AnthraX3D> White Ninja comics are racists
<AnthraX3D> Why no black ninja?
<ErectuZ> Because ninjas don't carry guns
#607480 +(323)- [X]
Slimtoad20: There's no "i" in team
Slimtoad20: but there's "Iran" in uranium
#607493 +(145)- [X]
<Azn> This guy came to our school, and talked to us about how drinking and driving is bad...
<Azn> And he mentioned that if you are convicted, you will have a breathalizer installed in your car, so you have to breathe into a tube to start your car...
<Azn> And some guy shouted "What if you fart in it?"
<Azn> Everyone laughed, and the speaker looked pissed and said "Well, gas expelled from the anus contains methane, not alcohol. It would be difficult for an intoxicated person to perform such an action with their distorted hand-eye cordination"
#607500 +(661)- [X]
Faustmaster300: OK, my sis asked how to spell danke, which is german for thx, so i tell her, iamaretard. she types it in and sends it to her friend. didnt even realize. i will never let her live it down.
#607551 +(311)- [X]
<irokie> be there any other interesting channels on this network?
#608067 +(3117)- [X]
<zexis> hmmm you think this statistic is real?
<zexis> every 2 minutes a woman is raped in Ohio
<hal> why doesn't she just move?
#608068 +(2822)- [X]
<asiftosay> my friend kolby decided to play a joke on his mom, so he went into her room at night when she was sleeping. he wore a ski mask and had a fake gun.
<asiftosay> and he starts yelling shit with the fake gun drawn, and she wakes up all scared and stuff...so she goes "don't kill me. i'll fuck you all you want if you let me live."
<asiftosay> they avoided each other for days.
#608088 +(-111)- [X]
<ShoveX> but i bet you make more money then me
<jd2i9> i dunno, im not exactly making top $ for my computer skillz
<ShoveX> i've been getting my money from giving old people oral
<jd2i9> ive been selling shit on ebay
<ShoveX> bengay makes your mouth numb btw
#608100 +(13069)- [X]
<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER