#583259 +(679)- [X]
Mr Kedian: I wonder if they have Santa vibrators
Mr Kedian: Santa can hurry down your chimney all year 'round with this naughty -- and nice! -- self-pleasuring tool. Please remove decorative hat before use.
#583526 +(633)- [X]
<+[PM]gothtec> Windows users posting their uptime... That's like a chinese dicksize competition.
#583627 +(3762)- [X]
<savenor> i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident
#583650 +(2484)- [X]
<Drhubbard> watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
<Drhubbard> they spent about half the film going through the fridge labelling everything..
#583790 +(509)- [X]
booger> I'm still waiting for someone to take their wireless lappy to a bar some night.
booger> "What beer should I drink?"
booger> "I think a cute girl looked at me for a half second. What should I do?"
booger> "I'm completely wasted. Should I drive home?"
faz> "A vop just pullef me over!!11"
faust> we could get a lan party going in the jail cell
#583977 +(9357)- [X]
<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused
#585651 +(1173)- [X]
durandal: see, a whore is a girl who sleeps with everyone... a bitch is a girl who sleeps with everyone but you
#585661 +(-1043)- [X]
<Blaxthos> you know what
<Blaxthos> DO YOU KNOW
<Blaxthos> i'm slightly ashamed
<Blaxthos> then i remember being 7 yrs old
<AltSnooze> you peepeed in your pants again?
<Blaxthos> dancing with mom
<Blaxthos> Elton John - I'm Still Standing.mp3
<Blaxthos> i still love that song
<chilly> did you uncle touch you in funny places?
<Blaxthos> no :(
#586075 +(539)- [X]
<skatinxx> So, I was in Foods today and we were making pasta and my teacher came over to me and says "Your pot is hanging out". My hand immedietly went to my sweatshirt pocket to make sure my baggy was still there and then she pointed to the pot with the pasta in it. I realized then that the handle was facing out over the edge of the stove. She gave me the weirdest look....
#586858 +(17)- [X]
<Mally> before his destiny was further clarified, Robin Hood spent several years stealing from the rich and giving to the porcupines
#586894 +(2133)- [X]
<DB> Oh god - what the fuck do they put in absinthe? i only had a couple and I feel like I've been raped by a camel..
<Rust_Bunny> It's meant to be taken orally ..
#587028 +(451)- [X]
<Bakazuki> Damn it, I don't care if mouth is going to hurt like a bitch during winter break (I've stated this before; I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled out), I just want it now!
<Jones> I will now take that quote out of context and spam it to people.
<Jones> [11:20:25 PM] Bakazuki: Damn it, I don't care if mouth is going to hurt like a bitch, I just want it now!
#587662 +(2684)- [X]
<Arendra> A smiley says a thousand words
*** Arendra has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
#587801 +(6525)- [X]
silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting, maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy shit.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb shit!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday. What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..
#588216 +(464)- [X]
punch: ugh, i feel like im in a time warp
punch: working on a pentium 200 webserver
punch: fixing a customer's pentium 2 233 machine
punch: loading win98se on it
punch: i am in some sort of late 90s hell
#588219 +(500)- [X]
<punch> welp time to open a vintage 2003 botle of merlot
<punch> ah, thursday, a very good year
<punch> lemme just get this cap unscrewed and I can get to guzzlin'
<h4m911> heh, cap
<punch> don't all good wines have handles on the bottle?
<punch> the best ones come in a space-age foil pouch inside a durable cardboard box
<punch> in 50 years, wealthy people around the world will boast of their fine collections of boxed chardonnay
#588228 +(2088)- [X]
<Corsair> My ex-wife pulled my kids out of school because she wants to home-school them.
<Dolphin_24994> And this is bad?
<Corsair> Damn straight. That fucking idiot couldn't teach someone how to pour water out of a bucket with instructions printed on the bottom.
#588620 +(1226)- [X]
TwoHundredNinety: Man. I went to our school's Christmas play today.
Decagon111: Was it an interesting experience?
TwoHundredNinety: It was... uh. Quite interesting.
TwoHundredNinety: We had Scripture quoted at us. There was a large stained-glass cross. Santa ordered Oompa Loompas to break his elves' kneecaps when they went on strike. There were four machine-gun shootings. Santa died. (Three times, technically.) There were two death threats, independent of the machine gun business.
TwoHundredNinety: Yes. ... The death threats were in the service of an anti-materialism parable.
Decagon111: ... I was _going_ to say how weird it was that there were carolers going around two weeks early tonight... but I don't think I'll bother.
#588662 +(943)- [X]
<Thuryn> a standard laptop battery would also be a great idea
<Thuryn> cell phones.... *maybe*. the phones themselves are still changing too much
<Thuryn> pretty soon, the damn phones will be so small that the air movement from your speech will also power the phone
<Thuryn> but then you couldn't talk to your g/f, because *you'd* never talk, so your phone would die
#589532 +(792)- [X]
<linuxelf> During our last camping trip, we came up with a new idea for the japanese. Having a bunch of guys pour coffee on a woman's face, and call it Bukkoffee.
<linuxelf> yeah, we had a few beers...
#589691 +(1928)- [X]
orangemunky: yes, but can you spell antidisestablishmentarianism???
Q-13: I can now, dumbass!
#589742 +(2599)- [X]
<xanthes> so my gf and me were doin it vampire style right
<CommanderBob> vampire style?
<rhodes> wtf is vampire style?
<b00z> WHAT THE FUCK?
<xanthes> shut up and let me tell you the story
<rhodes> no, you tell us what the FUCKING HELL 'vampire style' is
<xanthes> look, its not important
* CommanderBob has left #uncyclopedia
<b00z> i have to say im with bob on this one
* b00z has left #uncyclopedia
<rhodes> i don't really want to be around to hear this
* rhodes has left #uncyclopedia
<xanthes> guess its just u and me then PoP
<princessofpie> no, you stay the fuck away from me, you fucking pervert
* princessofpie has left #uncyclopedia
#589901 +(478)- [X]
<TomskE`away> omg best thing ever
<TomskE`away> if u get pulled over by like highway cops
<TomskE`away> you go " i bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the highway cops ball"
<TomskE`away> so they go
<TomskE`away> "highway cops dont have balls"
#590016 +(492)- [X]
holler its emily: Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis:
holler its emily: 1. You're bald your whole life.
holler its emily: 2. You have a hole in your head.
holler its emily: 3. Your neighbors are nuts.
holler its emily: 4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
holler its emily: And lastly...
holler its emily: 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint
DrkVengeance: you wouldnt always faint
DrkVengeance: depends on how well you can hold your licker
#590158 +(1134)- [X]
<Biz> i just finished cleaning 8 rolls of toilet paper off my car
<Biz> at least it wasn't malicious, like my car getting broke into for the 17th time
<wiff> are you keeping in valuables in the car that are visible?
<Biz> absolutely nothing
<Biz> because it gets broke into so much
<Biz> one time someone stole it from the park and ride
<Biz> so i report it, and i get a call that night
<Biz> my car has been abandoned...in another park and ride
<Biz> like 20 miles away
<Biz> it's like, just take the bus, dude
#590259 +(3053)- [X]
<zien> ah i love water. it's like nature's fruit juice.
<cgom> ....FRUIT JUICE is nature's fruit juice. moron.
#590322 +(3197)- [X]
<Musket> is there an echo in here?
<ManOfStuff> an echo in here?
<FessyBugger> in here?
#590557 +(1457)- [X]
<Fotomat> hey all...
<rife> brian, shouldn't you be in school?
<rife> it's wednesday
<Fotomat> i got suspended
<rife> how come?
<Fotomat> well i wore my history channel sweatshirt
<rife> uh huh
<Fotomat> the one that says "THC" on the front for "the history channel"
<Fotomat> so they suspended me for "drug paraphernalia" :/
#591385 +(1293)- [X]
(cyber1|t0) anyone know how i can open up pm's without a mouse pm me now
(cyber1|t0) actually dont pm
#591986 +(1206)- [X]
<Nassty> So we were playing a peaceful game of Trivial pursuit...
<Nassty> and the Question is "What are the first 3 words of the bible?"
<Nassty> Before I even finish the question, my friend jumps in and says, "Once upon a time..."
#592341 +(1546)- [X]
xpl0re3> fuck, i mean, it worked for romeo and juliet... they met at a party and were married the next fucking day
beanphoner> you obviously didn't read the end of that play
#592343 +(730)- [X]
<Vipsta> So yeah, this fat guy in my english class was bragging
<Vipsta> about how he registered stuff on the internet and gave the sites a bogus email address
<Vipsta> so yesterday i was bored, and i remembered the email addy he used
<Vipsta> and i registered it at hotmail, or whatever.
<Vipsta> i woke up this morning to find 441 gay porn emails in the inbox.
#592351 +(3335)- [X]
<Leitari> king kong is long
<Leitari> my ass hurts
<Leitari> that didnt sound right
#592354 +(92)- [X]
<Edict> Ever tried combining two words to form a new one?
<Budda> Here's a new word for you : Seppukkake - Ritual Suicide by the act of Bukkake o_O
<Edict> Eeeeewwww! :(
#592829 +(1811)- [X]
<Ksosez> i fucking hate ADD
<jesus_X> As in Attention
<jesus_X> Attention Deficit, something...
#592925 +(684)- [X]
<Gelgameth> ...Now wait a second.. There's a class action lawsuit against wikipedia?
<Scarab> Anyone can join in and add a grievance.
#592992 +(1062)- [X]
<Rault> I smoked weed through an apple for the first time today :D
<Madcowfucker> thats nothing
<Madcowfucker> you haven't lived until you inject herion with a banana
#593064 +(762)- [X]
<max> do i need to download the 2nd disc of any movie or just the first?
<Daki> You can download only the first, but the ending is kind of a cliffhanger
#593081 +(6801)- [X]
<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.
#593092 +(760)- [X]
<Chrysophylax> NORAD comes to public attention at Christmas, when it purports to track Santa Claus on his journey around the world delivering toys for the world's children. 2005 marked the 50th time of NORAD tracking Santa. This tradition started when a local Sears store in Colorado misprinted the phone number and kids, who thought they were calling Santa, called NORAD instead. This has become a tradition ever since 1955.
<TheDeadlyShoe> we'll manage to shoot the fat fucker down this year, you'll see
#593236 +(703)- [X]
[TA]-1 Ozzy0: any CSS clans in here?
Hambocho: you must really be into web programming if you're after a CSS clan.
Lord Traith: I'm after an RSS clan.
#593434 +(1002)- [X]
reaper: knock knock
SaladTongo: Who's there
SaladTongo: shit i didn't think you'd find me here
#593954 +(531)- [X]
<MisT[w]> guy just walks in and asks me " i bought windows xp 64 and it only shows 16bit and 32bit color but no 64bit ..."
#594218 +(875)- [X]
RabidPieConsumer: I'm thinking of programming an Oregon Trail knockoff based on something entirely fictional.
RabidPieConsumer: Any ideas?
ClicheCow: how about you try to go across the ocean?
ClicheCow: you can shoot 70 pounds of sea turtles
ClicheCow: but for some fucking reason you can only carry 20
ClicheCow: your daughter dies of scurvy
ClicheCow: you try to ford the ocean and one of your oxen dies
#594678 +(1684)- [X]
Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up when i was little to go open the gifts from santa...
Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by...
Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him
Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him..
Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december
Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer
Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed his ass off at me
#595317 +(517)- [X]
abby: i love guys who wear argyle socks
abby: i got some for my dad
abby: ok.. that sounded weird
#595345 +(783)- [X]
Nofcarolinafan: My iq is 20/20
cubano2k3: sounds more like your vision
Nofcarolinafan: no i took a test
#595358 +(-16)- [X]
cyberstick: I hate computers
abszero: Haha, you're in the wrong business bro.
cyberstick: Windows? No problem. Windows is fine. The PC is at fault.
cyberstick: Mark my words
abszero: Not blaming Microsoft? You've changed man.
#595424 +(286)- [X]
<phooka> im getting a nice deal on a laptop
<phooka> 599 for a good deal
<minkis> and then how much is the laptop for after you bought the deal?
#595485 +(1572)- [X]
<+Kamasutra> i had a dream that the RIAA busted into the shower cause i was singing too loud