#529537 +(3476)- [X]
<mattb> funeral was for my uncle
<[OmegentooX]> Did he die?
<mattb> that seems to be the popular opinion
#529570 +(393)- [X]
<LUEshi> What's the default font of the GameFAQs forums?
#529651 +(1018)- [X]
benjiwenji07: this one time i saw a 40 foot tall wrench
benjiwenji07: and that was the biggest tool id ever seen until i met john genz
blahdy78: thats weird because this one time i saw this 40 foot tall wench
blahdy78: and that was the biggest whore i ever saw till i met your mom
#532384 +(877)- [X]
<s7|eelektrix> want to scrim with us?
<s7|eelektrix> Vin Diesel challenged everyone in the sub-continent of India to an arm-wrestling match. After humiliating that nation's finest arm wrestling warriors, an Indian holy man placed a curse on Vin Diesel, which is why he doesn't have a single hair on his body. But when Vin Diesel saved India from a tsunami by delivering a stand-up routine so hilarious the tsunami shook apart with laughter, the holy man rewarded Vin with the secret of morphing into an alpaca, and the secret of cooking the perfect terducken. It is from Vin Diesel's personal kitchen that John Madden purchases his annual terducken.
<s7|eelektrix> dont mind that
#532950 +(627)- [X]
<@MacG> people take their dogs car shopping?
< Feenyx> they make cars for dogs now?
<@MacG> sure. there are plenty of bitches on the roads :D
< Feenyx> touché
#533207 +(1854)- [X]
<Metalcore> works now, though
<Metalcore> it's just because I have shitty internet
<Metalcore> fast as hell
<Metalcore> but stable as a refrigerator balanced on a coke bottle
<Metalcore> in hurricane force winds
<Metalcore> on a 45 degree slope
<Metalcore> of teflon
#533472 +(2230)- [X]
<yoozer> the speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
#533510 +(2321)- [X]
LiQuIDsCyThE1: Like the Mallard Duck and Peacock, the wigger male will go to great lengths to secure a mate. This young wigger, for instance, has donned a vibrant all pink outfit to ensure success during the mating season. In this case, the flamboyant color scheme serves the dual purpose of both helping him get noticed by females in heat and distracting other males who will be too busy beating his ass to steal any of his mates. A borderline suicidal strategy, but successful nonetheless.
ElPikachupacabra: who the hell are you, and what the hell was that
#533617 +(1131)- [X]
<Boxthor> They call me Hadoken 'cause I'm down-right fierce.
#534933 +(2392)- [X]
<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> I just messaged a chick on okcupid saying how I thought she was kinda hot AND SHES 13
<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> Shes 13 AND she thinks shes a lesbian
<AnonymousPosterChild> this is the least appropriate erection EVER
#534953 +(497)- [X]
guardian_elma: my son just said to me, "you don't even know the basics of cool"
#536418 +(2271)- [X]
<Goldmoon> its amazing what you can get with batting your eyelashes and showing your tits.. lol
#536530 +(341)- [X]
OsakePenguin: I would go see elephants in Sri Lanka, but I think they're all planted with bombs to kill tourists.
Zephurus: They even have their own navy and air force.
Zephurus: How screwed up is that?
OsakePenguin: The elephants? That's hella screwed up.
Zephurus: The terrorists.
#536591 +(1579)- [X]
IAn553: I love making fun of the Amish online.
IAn553: Cause they'll never find out.
#536709 +(1189)- [X]
<EqD> How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
<Castille> 1 to cry about it, 5 to post to an indie rock forum talking about how great the new lightbulb is, 15 to say that the old lightbulb was just fine, and to wish they'd stop changing their light and 25 to flame each other on typoes and musical taste?
<Castille> so ... 41?
<EqD> Frankly, I don't care. Let the little fuckers cry in the dark.
#536778 +(441)- [X]
jared 33 ghs 02: i heard possibly the most racial remark the other night at a restaurant
The Magma Hawk: ?
jared 33 ghs 02: an old jewish lady was lecturing my friend who was waitressing about the two tattoos she has and how its not good for her body and a drunk was listening and finally had enough and said "hey old lady, shut up, ur just jealous u got ur tattoo for free"
The Magma Hawk: buahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
The Magma Hawk: that's what she gets for preaching
jared 33 ghs 02: everyones jaw dropped and there was silence, and then he just turned around and continued talking to his friends or whatever
#536798 +(555)- [X]
<NIGHTMARE> I'm black from the waist down.
<n10shun> How do you steal a TV with your feet?
#536960 +(-591)- [X]
<Zell> Can i gline people for threatening to MS DOS me?
#536971 +(730)- [X]
<Jess> When I asked my Gyno if he could make it feel good,
<Jess> he looked at me in a really weird way and moved his hand back out.
#537022 +(1489)- [X]
<sheep--> my mom got this knife at some asian store
<sheep--> i was gonna use it to make myself some food
<sheep--> but instead, i\'m gonna frame it and keep it for ever in the wrapper
<sheep--> it says on it \"Warning: keep out of children\"
#537057 +(918)- [X]
<sheep--> people at my work are weird
<sheep--> i was washing my hands.. and this guy walks out of a stall with no shirt on, goes to a urinal, does his business, and goes back into a stall :\\
#537145 +(999)- [X]
<sulli> So I placed my order for the computer today
<sulli> Any idea what "backorder" means?
<dy> That means they dont have it, but will ship it to you once they get it.
<sulli> FUCK that means all Im getting is 2 fans, a heatsink, and my free shirt and ballcap.
<Omnica> Well, that will allow you to Look cool, and Be Cool :)
<sulli> Fuck you
#537155 +(1873)- [X]
<Handy> Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
<Handy> they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
#537199 +(421)- [X]
<Koentje3> There are 2 secrets to follow if you want to live a succesfull life
<Koentje3> Rule #1: Don't tell all ur secrets
#537240 +(1131)- [X]
(anuj) Strangest thing happened today.
(anuj) I saw one of those Progessive Insurance SUVs heading towards an accident scene.
(anuj) And the SUV got smacked by an 18-wheeler because it ran a red light.
(anuj) The irony didn't hit me until just now.
#537307 +(2252)- [X]
(Bismarck) Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!
(Bismarck) France is going to house the new nuclear fusion reactor!
(Bismarck) If it suceeds, cheap long term energy. If it fails, BAM! France is gone!
(Bismarck) It's win win!
#537359 +(45)- [X]
<kingofign> I was talking to a HUGE anti-piracy friend yesterday
<kingofign> and he said
<kingofign> "Piracy is stealing"
<kingofign> "You wouldn't steal a wallet, or a purse, or a car"
<kingofign> And I say
<kingofign> "Dude, you can download cars now? What newsgroups are YOU signed up to?"
#537564 +(1458)- [X]
Melindhra turns the frown upside down
#537896 +(449)- [X]
<&dreams> I want a direct link
<@McRuMMy> everytime i dont feel like helpin you i look back on this pic of your boobs :>
#538924 +(1577)- [X]
axelay4: went out and bought some dice for D&D yesterday
axelay4: they were mondo expensive though...so i looked the guy at the counter straight in the face and asked him if i could roll a D20 to haggle
axelay4: goddamn natural 1
#538930 +(684)- [X]
<bda> Wow. Five SMS and already I'm wishing I had the fingers of a 15 year old Japanese girl.
* bda pauses.
<SketchCow> I do too
<SketchCow> Wrapped around something
#539034 +(637)- [X]
<CherryMay> Channel 5 Sun Jul 10 6:20 PM
<CherryMay> (100 min., 1990, USA, Adventure/Western/War Movies)
<CherryMay> someone explain those genres to me please.
<The_T> They stand back to back
<The_T> take 10 paces forward, turn, then fire
<The_T> in TANKS
#539388 +(1043)- [X]
NitishP | Wow this Perl tutorial can be lame - "recursion n.: See recursion."
#539936 +(-329)- [X]
<darkstar> ball men
<darkstar> swgtlm seeks non-human dick slave to swab bedsores and eat poo
<d00rmaus> I only do sbgtlm
<darkstar> so you only dig single black gay transgendered lesbian males
<darkstar> sorry we didn't match on e harmony
<d00rmaus> no category #22 failed
<d00rmaus> although we got 100% on #23, do you eat dick.
<d00rmaus> too much data, kernel panic
<darkstar> libdickslurping.so was not loaded at boot
#540021 +(1671)- [X]
t3hraven: Holy shit somethings burning outside my window
t3hraven: o, nm
t3hraven: it was a cloud going by my window
t3hraven: thought it was smoke :/
BILLLL: Go outside much, raven?
t3hraven: no :(
BILLLL: cuz those cloud things can be pretty tricky
t3hraven: shut up
#540166 +(683)- [X]
xeon: "Keyboard Failure, Press F1 to continue"
xeon: ....... wtf?!
#540200 +(1289)- [X]
<Gonads> Happens to me too. Actually, I get upset with myself if I see a word I don't know the meaning of. Which is starting to happen more and more.
<Apocalypse> Theoretically it should be happening in a mitigate and subjacent idiosyncrasy.
<Gonads> Fuck you
#540211 +(748)- [X]
<Gandalf> how do you create a user in linux?
<@Viceroy> you can't, if you use linux you're going to live alone forever
#540271 +(2481)- [X]
<tennisgh22> i was watching this porn and the girl keeps goinng "see!!! see?!!!! seeeee?!!!!"
<tennisgh22> and i was like wtf see what?
<tennisgh22> but then i realized
<tennisgh22> it was in spanish :(
#540288 +(2388)- [X]
<+aeonite> is there any diet plan that does not involve fucking cottage cheese?
<@LordCrank> some of them involve eating it instead
#540395 +(2342)- [X]
<rick> hey my bro called me up the other day asking for the ops cd key
<rick> so im like, military style? bc its such a pain to understand the letters over the phone
<rick> so hes like "whatever sure"
<rick> so im sitting there for like 10 minutes saying " kit-cat-kit-cat-9 = venus-bounce-bounce-bouce-dog = girl-girl-phone-girl-daddy ..." so thats going on for a while and hes repeating it back to me and im repeating it back to him for like 5 times.
<rick> so finally i hang up the phone and spin around in my chair and my grandpa is standing in the doorway totally dazed, and hes like "i'll never understand you young kids."
#540426 +(1623)- [X]
xyzzy314: i got some rare footage of houdini getting locked out of his car
#540470 +(2015)- [X]
SMB61890: have u heard bout that earthquake stuff under the sea
Fairies Exist90: no is ariel ok?
SMB61890: i dont kno how to spell the name of it
Fairies Exist90: and king triton?
Fairies Exist90: and sebastian?
Fairies Exist90: and flounder?
Fairies Exist90: ARE THEY OK?!
#540900 +(796)- [X]
<konefku> If you have twins, im buying you a shirt that points to your left side that says "I LOVE THIS ONE MORE."
#541002 +(925)- [X]
<ravedreamcast> well at least i had some fun in the back seat
<ravedreamcast> the true gift of partys
<Cryomancer> you brought your gameboy?
#541695 +(2478)- [X]
<keepingcharlie> i had lots of sex when i was under 18., man i miss those days. i wish i would have realized what i had, when i had it.
<rabbiwanna> You probably still have it.
<rabbiwanna> Get tested.
#541795 +(3240)- [X]
<Tre_Cool>: Man I'm soooo hungry... I could eat more hot dogs than that lil japenese guy.
<Netters>: I got 20 bucks that says you can't do that.
<Tre_Cool>: Listen, I'm not intimidated by you OR your freakish talking money.
#542053 +(1884)- [X]
Salsa Shark: you know what google earth needs?
ULJarad: More 3D buildings?
Salsa Shark: ion cannon button
#542530 +(1177)- [X]
<Maduin> Is it weird if you recognize a girl in your inbox porn from your highschool?
<TheUpstairsProTHAway> I think the most comedic answer would be, "It depends what part you recognized."
#542591 +(529)- [X]
<Mifuyne> how old is your iBook anyway?
<+indigo> 4 years.
<~Delta> that thing was made before the war