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#520799 +(1676)- [X]

<irving> i do stuff like set up my garage door to open over the internet
<MyPetGoat> having an internet-enabled garage door? what that fuck is that good for?
<MyPetGoat> it's like you're the most pathetic Bond villain ever

#520918 +(822)- [X]

<zere> i need to make 75 thousand dollars
<videogameaholic> removing your head from your ass leaves quite a medical bill, doesn't it.

#521316 +(2730)- [X]

<deloused> haha i love when people start telling you stuff like you care when you actually don't and you don't pay attention, and then when they finish they ask for your opinion/advice and you just say "oh yea i totally agree"
<XA> oh yeah, i totally agree

#521511 +(1407)- [X]

<notalive> have you heard those jokes they dont tell gay people
<notalive> ?
<kebaan> i dont think so?
<kebaan> tell me one then i can tell you if i have
<notalive> i dont know any

#521743 +(1089)- [X]

<megamobike> my mom taught me a very important lesson today
<ccrookedrrain> no means no?
<megamobike> gross

#522538 +(1382)- [X]

<minion> what should i get for lunch
<minion> i have $4
<keef> 8 packs of ramen and a 3 dollar hooker

#522754 +(1762)- [X]

<Trin[awah]> I was dyeing easter eggs, and I said, "my eggs came out all ugly!"
<Trin[awah]> and my brother said to me, "well, now you know how your mother feels."

#522860 +(302)- [X]

<prepared>Theorem: All numbers are equal.
<prepared>Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
<prepared>a + b = t
<prepared>(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
<prepared>a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
<prepared>(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
<prepared>a - t/2 = b - t/2
<prepared>a = b
<prepared>So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

#522882 +(-103)- [X]

<Kitoshi> XD at the end of Ep 3, when they\'re showing Padme\'s funeral
<Kitoshi> my friend Hampton said \"Look! Her stomach\'s big again! They must\'ve stuffed something back in there after the births!\"
<Heath> xD
<Kitoshi> and without a second thought, I respond \"Where do you think Yoda went into hiding?\"

#523092 +(-295)- [X]

Infinitism: saying you've had the best sex without orgasm is like saying you've just cleaned a toilet with the neatest arrangement of shit all over it.

#523347 +(1049)- [X]

<Terror> So, on one of the last days of school we had an assembly in memorial of some guy that graduated from my school that was a gunner on a Humvee and was killed by shrapnel from a roadside bomb in Iraq
<Terror> And when we go back to class, the teacher was asking us what we got out of the service
<Terror> and one kid said "I learned not be the the gunner on a Humvee"

#523604 +(549)- [X]

<Nirtose> heres some geek for you... You make me hotter than a overclocked, volt-modded Prescott chip with stock heatsink and fan
<@Beaver> omg dude
<Nirtose> thats right
* Beaver has kicked Nirtose Reason(I told you once that im married)
* Nirtose has joined #beaver
<Nirtose> :(
* Beaver has kicked Nirtose Reason(And not gay)

#523701 +(201)- [X]

<flamebird> using trillian because \"it works with MSN too\" is the same as saying \"well im not going to a strip club tonight, ill just get my mother to give me a lap dance.. shes a woman\" - its true.. but.. NO

#524037 +(3422)- [X]

steve: whats your opinion on censorship
insomniacdude007: **** censorship

#524062 +(2640)- [X]

3:pixelsoft> GHB? Don't you go to school?
3:GHB> Today is Saturday
3:pixelsoft> It's Friday
GHB left arena

#524110 +(1799)- [X]

<RandalCalrissian> Who wrote an essay entitled 'Advice to a Young Man on choosing a Mistress'?
<Jeegoo> Cassanova 
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 1st hint, B___am__ ____k___
<Jeegoo> no idea
<Randal> dr seus
<Jeegoo> hee
<Zwuh> Al Gore
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 2nd hint, _en_a_in _r_n__i_
<RandalCalrissian> Here's your 3rd hint, B_njami_ Fra__lin
<Zwuh> Benjamin Frankin
<Jeegoo> Benjamn franklin
<Randal> benjamin frankls
<Randal> oop
<Randal> s
<Zwuh> haha
<RandalCalrissian> Time's up! The answer was: Benjamin Franklin
<Zwuh> way to spell, team!

#524500 +(-226)- [X]

TheOrigionalFuzz: this one guy was yelling at me in spanish the other day, so I said "speak a real language or go to hell" and he kept yelling at me, and it was pissing me off, so I flipped him off, so he started chasing me, so I started running, and that's about it
TheOrigionalFuzz: turns out I was on his property
TheOrigionalFuzz: or something

#524669 +(309)- [X]

<Boo|Marking> Can you think of any reason why IE, on my dad's laptop, won't display animated .gifs ?
<Mirabilis> Because they're disabled in the IE options
<Mirabilis> Other than that, security settings
<Boo|Marking> Hm. I looked for it.
<Boo|Marking> I'll have another lookie-see.
<Donovan> I dunno, Boo|Marking, I have a feeling it may have to do with "Microsoft KB #2383892: Internet Explorer is a Steaming Pile of Shit"

#524693 +(1414)- [X]

<mikael> people should get beat up, for stating their beliefs
<penisbird> is that your belief?

#524806 +(-435)- [X]

<helgrl> "Im your folder"

#525051 +(1166)- [X]

<Admiral_Payne> One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said she was almost out of typing paper, and asked she should do
<Admiral_Payne> "just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her
<Admiral_Payne> You know what she did?
<Admiral_Payne> she took her last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five copies

#525085 +(1939)- [X]

DBO: the guy in the middle lane is blasting his music full blast
DBO: so loud I cant hear my own music with the windows up
DBO: I mean really FREAKING loud
DBO: I look over at him and give him a nasty look
DBO: and then I see something on the car on the other side of him
DBO: its a note
DBO: written on cardboard
DBO: help up against the window
Muz: Yes...and?
DBO: "You music sucks, your stereo is too damn loud, and I'm sorry you have a tiny penis"
DBO: he turned it down after that

#525122 +(1757)- [X]

<monarch> the other day i skipped church and went to get something to eat at 7-11
<monarch> i paid with a 10 and recieved $6.66 in change.
<monarch> am i going to hell?
<qbert> almost certainly
<monarch> fuck

#525158 +(1549)- [X]

(XisXisXis): I wanna find an old Star Wars pinball machine
(XisXisXis): just so I can hear Yoda say, "Extra Ball, you have"

#525423 +(1360)- [X]

<uZi`> i got a photographic memory
<uZi`> :/
<Grimmeehh> cool
<Grimmeehh> porn on demand
<uZi`> mainly for numbers tho
<Grimmeehh> o
<uZi`> only ascii porn
<uZi`> :(

#525428 +(503)- [X]

[phuong]: zim: smoking harms ur baby
[somdomy]: how does smoking hurt your laptop?

#525429 +(148)- [X]

<PinkLady> Seen pussygirl pop in and out, but never speak.
<PinkLady> Man, that didn't sound right at all.
<Shiffer-Brains> I think you had her confused with dickman

#525433 +(423)- [X]

<Breserk> I love your humour :D
<ErectuZ> I love your balls
<Breserk> :/
<ErectuZ> you seen Team America?
<Breserk> Physically?
<Breserk> Nope.
<ErectuZ> oh
<ErectuZ> then that miht have sounded a bit perverted
<Breserk> Yes.

#525435 +(-102)- [X]

<ChunkyQ> The man's a whore. His balls have seen more chins than a Chinese FedEx employee.

#525436 +(-179)- [X]

* Quits: Indonesia (Ezcess Flood)

#525439 +(883)- [X]

<Darth_Blade> Wow.
<Darth_Blade> Word crashes whenever I try to quote the constitution article about human rights. Conspiracy theories anyone? %)
<aetherspoon> heh
<Darth_Blade> But it's really really weird.
<aetherspoon> try openoffice.  It only crashes when you quote Microsoft License Agreements.  :P

#525444 +(-74)- [X]

<d0ppy> I just had an idea
<d0ppy> If I spray cheese into a condom....
<cdkj>  :/
<d0ppy> I can actually have sex with easy cheese
<cdkj>  get a girlfriend please

#525446 +(-473)- [X]

<G-nius> Yeah, but smoking is for girls who don't get sex o.o

#525567 +(1134)- [X]

a_spank_horses: Bro
i_spank_horses: I was driving in a passenger seat of my friends car
i_spank_horses: piss wasted
i_spank_horses: He was driving like 45 mph
i_spank_horses: And there was a mexican guy getting in a truck
i_spank_horses: Close to my side
i_spank_horses: I stuck my hand out the window and smacked his ass
i_spank_horses: and he screamed so loud
i_spank_horses: he thought he got shot
i_spank_horses: I hurt my elbow
i_spank_horses: It was so sick
i_spank_horses: I couldn't breahte for 2 days
i_spank_horses: funniest thing ive ever done

#525930 +(28)- [X]

<Ali_mastah> so our exam finishes and i go to hand my paper in about 2 mins late, and the tite-arsed teacher says "sorry no more exams to be handed in it's too late you get zero" so i go "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!" and she goes all cocky and says "no, i do not" so i go "good" i pick up the papers and slid my exam in somewhere in the middle of them all.

#526017 +(-422)- [X]

<KOMPRESSOR> guess what i got
<KOMPRESSOR> i got a 100 dollar cigar
<Lurch> wow, don\'t spend it all in one place

#526124 +(920)- [X]

< teferi> I lost the office pool
< teferi> damn
<+res0> aww, no more swimming at work

#526144 +(1460)- [X]

<Adjaro> i hate the internet
<Adjaro> i have spent 15 minutes looking for george bush with a lightsaber
<Adjaro> and have found NOTHING

#526250 +(200)- [X]

Roi: That's all you have to say? Some Dutch minor is hitting on me and you say "see you tomorrow"? Man, don't ever work for the suicide prevention hotline.

#526398 +(1893)- [X]

<@PaulGonegooley> I just opened the box for my new harddrive
<@PaulGonegooley> it smells like victory
<malicious> the fuck it does
<malicious> opening a new pack of MTG cards.
<malicious> that smells like victory.
<@PaulGonegooley> that smells like never getting laid, ever
<@PaulGonegooley> that's what that smells like
<malicious> fuck you :(

#526546 +(-540)- [X]

[dark-force] how long is a second?
[[RAA]Ajarn] rofl
[dark-force] ?
[[RAA]Ajarn] that's priceless

#526775 +(1064)- [X]

<Divarin> that's the thing about binary humor
<Divarin> it either IS funny, or it's NOT

#526888 +(609)- [X]

<Algorithms> I bet you could pay a person from india to act as an IRC bot for you, for less than a shell account to run an eggdrop.

#526916 +(1865)- [X]

<mooman> so i saw this number plate on some ricer car today... YAG-108
<mooman> except i saw it in my rear view mirror, so it looked like BOI-GAY
<mooman> i nearly hit the car in front from laughing so hard :/

#526984 +(1019)- [X]

Cooler1011: can you explain to me why i need to format and/or partition this disc?
Cooler1011: It does not make sense to me.
mrrc00: imagine a giant room
mrrc00: now, throw millions upon millions of identical things into the room
mrrc00: now these things can be used to make larger things, but only if they have some order to them
mrrc00: a filesystem, which you create by formatting, orders those bits
Cooler1011: yo, get a job
Cooler1011: you're qualified
Cooler1011: that really sounds like it came right out of PC Magazine
mrrc00: oh, I'm not surprised
mrrc00: I was pulling it out my ass, after all

#527027 +(357)- [X]

hbkshowstopper75: For only 15 grand, we could have our own music veriety show. it could be revolutionary televison even it its on at 2am
hbkshowstopper75: i was just pondering the idea today
ianepson: need 15k first
ianepson: and if we saved that much up i can think of much better uses
hbkshowstopper75: it\'s only one thousand 500 dollars
ianepson: uh
ianepson: yea u could buy urself a calculator with whats left over

#527101 +(2381)- [X]

<remial> gah...
<remial> I was visiting my college roommate earlier today...
<remial> his ex-GF and his daughter were there...
<remial> they were in the other room watching cartoons or something...
<remial> and my friend asked me how my life was going, and I told him that things wre OK but it felt like there was some sort of consperacy to keep me from getting laid...
<remial> his ex GF immediatly calls someone on her Cel phone and says "He knows"

#527125 +(2206)- [X]

onslaught86: Your spelling's so bad your blood must be type-o.

#527688 +(997)- [X]

<Beaph> Whatcha gonna make?
<Alacard2k> Spaghetti, beef stroganoff, or tacos. I don\'t feel like the chicken tonight.
<Beaph> Mmm... Beef Strokin\' off.
<Alacard2k> well it\'s down to two now

#528007 +(1528)- [X]

<@Aprentice> girls who fuck animals should be put in a mental institute
<Rjx> or on TV

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