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#509607 +(1050)- [X]

<Seikun> My friend (mike) bought a sword and bb guns in the states. he tried to bring them over to canada. and they said "the bb guns are a replica of the real ones. so you can't bring them in." "but you can take the sword, because thats not really considered a weapon"

#509726 +(2335)- [X]

<SomeGuy> God: "Hello Osama?"
<SomeGuy> Osama: "Yes God"
<SomeGuy> God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
<SomeGuy> Oasama: "Yes"
<SomeGuy> God "Beat that you prick.."

#509832 +(141)- [X]

Tamer Brad: i got this cross necklace today
NoVwith a Bullet: ha ha ha, everyone's gonna think you just love jesus
Tamer Brad: no, i hate him
Tamer Brad: that's why I carry it with me
Tamer Brad: so if I ever see him, I can nail him to it

#509956 +(-1665)- [X]

Shosh912: when tthy say you can miss 6 classes
Shosh912: does that mean you can miss 6 classes
Shosh912: or 5
Qtip: 6
Shosh912: oh

#510700 +(1472)- [X]

<Unspawny> The ultimate game would be a game sorta like The Sims.
<Unspawny> Except it would be called 'Angst'.
<Unspawny> And you would see how many angsty people you can befriend, screw over, and then befriend again.
<frog> you just described Livejournal: The Game

#510765 +(2072)- [X]

<s3b`> Vegetto: /join #someonewhocares
<s3b`> Oh, look, the channel is empty

#511410 +(-80)- [X]

Gangster Style*** says:
np np what are friends for
§teve says:
casual sex and borrowing money?

#511422 +(2640)- [X]

<Dejos> I was killed by a rabit in D&D once
<Wiser> lol
<Dejos> stupid DM
<recursive> did it have big sharp pointy teeth?
<recursive> \/\/\/\/\/
<Dejos> no! it didnt have squat.. I tripped over it and fell off a cliff

#511661 +(1457)- [X]

<HC-Marine> yeah one time this windows & doors company called
<HC-Marine> and my dad answered it
<HC-Marine> they asked if he wanted to have his windows and doors replaced
<HC-Marine> he responded with "I don't have any"
<HC-Marine> they were so confused

#511901 +(416)- [X]

darshanji143: hey wanna chat sex?
flyinghermione: my mommy says I can't have cybersex with strangers

#511932 +(2166)- [X]

<joshkr>  Who is this General Error, and why's he scanning my hard drive?
<de0n>    He's the boss of Major Malfunction
<bismuth> Looking for Private Pictures

#512010 +(496)- [X]

<AnViL> gah... i still can't find a prom date...
<AnViL> then again, it might help if i actually talked to the women
<AnViL> instead of drooling and staring at them from afar

#512736 +(3111)- [X]

omgsean123: so anyway, heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop
omgsean123: and the cop is like "do you know how fast you were going?"
omgsean123: and he says "no, but i know exactly where i am!"

#513887 +(620)- [X]

Ford_Prefect: I\'m at 2.0 MBPS!!
Navi00: Psh
Navi00: What kinda connection?\\
JK-63: With your cantenna.
Ford_Prefect: DSL
Ford_Prefect: no, I am using my standard antenna
Navi00: wtf is a cantenna?!
Ford_Prefect: because I need the connector for my cantenna
JK-63: It\'s a little antenna that can.
Ford_Prefect: works better
JK-63: You know the story, right?
JK-63: The little antenna that pushed the signal through the wall?
* Zortexia sits down for the story
Ford_Prefect: HE was having trouble carrying data fast enough
JK-63: And then, a strange packet came along.
JK-63: And encouraged him, because the packet was from A STRANGE ROUTER! *gasp*
* Zortexia gasps!
Ford_Prefect: I think I can
Ford_Prefect: I think I ca
Ford_Prefect: *n
Ford_Prefect: I think I can
Zortexia: LMAO!
JK-63: The cantenna pushed and pushed as hard as he could, and got a signal through to the strange router!
Zortexia: yay for cantenna!
Ford_Prefect: and downloaded an entire copy
Ford_Prefect: of microsoft XP
Ford_Prefect: in one hour
* Zortexia eyes get big
Navi00: That is the most adorable thing I\'ve ever heard
Navi00: loll
Ford_Prefect: *pirated I might add
Navi00: XD
Ford_Prefect: :0
Zortexia: :O
Zortexia: then what happened
Ford_Prefect: he lived happily ever after leaching off of other people\'s wireless connectiong
Navi00: heh heh heh heh
JK-63: And the hacker driving the cantenna was very happy with his new copy of Windows XP.
Ford_Prefect: the end

#513893 +(1078)- [X]

<pathogen> in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
<pathogen> so therefore 1337 = 14
<pathogen> so anyone who speeks 1337 is 14

#513902 +(-80)- [X]

Osmodius: you know what never made sense in star wars?
Osmodius: R2-D2
Osmodius: I mean.. WTF is it
alex: who knows lol
Osmodius: it doesn't even do anything
Osmodius: it just rolls around and makes weird noises
Osmodius: and the light on it alternates between red and blue
alex: i wonder how people understand what its saying
Osmodius: maybe like pokemon
Osmodius: people could understand what they said even though they could only say their name
alex: they should equip r2d2 with a mini chain gun
Lenny: yeah.. and it should double as a frappucino machine
Osmodius: :\

#513914 +(-29)- [X]

<@SuzyQ> NOVACAINE FOR THE SOUL
<&supreme> I LOVE POTATOES
<@nf-Stealth> CARROTS ARE GOOD FOR EYESIGHT
<&sinSR> ALWAYS WEAR PANTS
<&supreme> DONT LET DR MARIO TOUCH YOU, HE IS NOT A REAL DOCTOR

#513920 +(270)- [X]

<PO_Dorn> Hey, those of you familiar with iPod's -- how do you put text files onto them?
<Xearz|away> Magic marker?

#513921 +(550)- [X]

<Theanine> Getting high also impairs judgment, which can lead to risky decision making on issues like sex, criminal activity, or riding with someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
<Theanine> haha :D
<Theanine> i get high all the time but im not getting laid...:(
<Theanine> this weed isnt working correctly

#513922 +(1078)- [X]

<Animenia> Oh shit almost forgot to tell you guys.... The funniest thing ever happened today... :)
<Animenia> There\'s this dude living beneath my apartment and some other dude across the street
<Animenia> and we talk from time to time so we decided to have a litte chat on my teamspeak server
<Animenia> so after talking a while
<Animenia> one of the guys said he had to leave for a while so the server got really quiet...
<Ayanami9870> because they saw a webcam pic of his dildo?
<Animenia> Though this guy didn\'t use push to talk so after like 10 minutes of inactivity on the server I started hear moanings and shit from my speakers
<Animenia> and I was playing really loud music
<Animenia> Then you hear his mom come in and he\'s like \"oh shit, it\'s not what it looks like\" and she goes of screaming \"YOU\'RE MASTURBATING?!?!\" and starts crying and shit and tells him to move out and stuff like that
<Dazzio> holy fuck
<Animenia> You should have seen the look on his face when I met him in the elevator later today.... He gave me the dirtiest look ever.... and said \"Did you really have to play so god damn loud music?? The whole block heard of my mom and that shit\"

#514109 +(2432)- [X]

<RobbiePaul> i really wish the redneck neighbors that moved in next door would feed their children anti-freeze
<Nichole> slip it into some popcicles and serve
<RobbiePaul> "anti" freeze...

#514344 +(391)- [X]

<GooberMan> sony were handing out PS2 condoms
<GooberMan> the cover design had condoms in the shapes of the buttons ie X, square, etc
<darknation> awesome
<darknation> I always wondered about those vibrating controllers. Now we know.

#514353 +(9131)- [X]

<Insomniak`> Stupid fucking Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search

#514738 +(964)- [X]

< fook_> we had radiation alert drills in my HS, those were my favorite
< mofino> I thought you'd just enjoy it by now.
< sili> fook_: how do you hide from radiation? lead suit?
< mofino> fook, haha
< tag_> I'm not in highschool
< fook_> because its important to exit the school in an orderly fashion if the nuclea powerplant were to melt down
< tag_> which was even better
< tag_> fook_: Hahah
< fook_> sili: yeah, theres no way.
< fook_> our school was 15miles from the plant
< mofino> "But teacher my skin is melting..."
< mofino> "STAY IN LINE RICHARD!"

#514827 +(3031)- [X]

<Azemilcar> What do you Brits say when you stereotype American speech?
<Starblaydia> anything lacking irony or sarcasm usually qualifies, Azemilcar
<Gala|drunk> *nod*
<Yamatto> or we just hoot like gibbons and invade sandy countries.

#515059 +(279)- [X]

<tsunami> my mind is racing, just remember my old flatmate and the dreaded salad
<tsunami> i was like: 'this salad you made tastes funny...' found out she used the cucumber the night before, washed it and placed it back in the crisper... i banned her from ever making food again
<Sephiroth> hmmm...that's mildly erotic
<Sephiroth> in a lo-cal sort of way

#515093 +(-723)- [X]

<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
<Nori123> I have actually chortled coke through my nose

#515134 +(-879)- [X]

<MetalRox66> Could Jesus make a quote so funny that bash.org would not reject it?

#515363 +(3141)- [X]

rhys_rhaven: I have pictures..thousands of them. but most are art...i got katies harddrive.
rhys_rhaven: ....
overlord_overkill2007: ah i se
rhys_rhaven: i dont understand how she can walk into a church
rhys_rhaven: tons, and tons, of slash
rhys_rhaven: gay guys, gay guys fucking, gay porn stories, guys on guys, guys kissing.
overlord_overkill2007: ewww
rhys_rhaven: guys humping guys, female ass domination, guy slaves, butt sex,
overlord_overkill2007: ewwwwwwww
rhys_rhaven: oh it gets worse. she has no file structure!!!!!
rhys_rhaven: what kind of sick woman doesnt organize her files?!!!
Daniel: EWWWWWWWW

#515407 +(2667)- [X]

<KP> the admin just came over and asked me why my desktop looks like xp and what the hell i just did to his computer
<KP> leet hax was not an acceptable answer

#515469 +(-265)- [X]

zippo4x4: ok then i just wasted 10 min
Asbestos: yeah you did
zippo4x4: i know im a dumbass
Asbestos: it happens
Asbestos: if jesus was real he'd love you

#515490 +(786)- [X]

<Drogo> Don't trust the xbox 360
* Brandalf85 goes forward in time and gets 5 Xbox 360s
<Drogo> It's like those creatures in Chronicles of Riddick
<Drogo> You turn it on and all of a sudden "Your soul is miiiine"
<Drogo> You know what, next thing you know rob, the xbox makes you call your friend with a needle to your neck and you're like "Hey, Brandalf.. Would you like to come over and--- DONT COME BRANDALF! I mean. Brandalf, please come over and initiate in gameplay of the xbox 360"
<Brandalf85> LOL
<Rob> haha
<Brandalf85> i probably dont live anywhere near Rob :)
<Drogo> Then Brandalf comes over and he opens the door and it's like Dreamcatcher with the red except it's wires and blood and the door slams shut behind him and all of a sudden, a needle sticks into his neck
<Drogo> xbox 360 needs no memory card or hard drive either
<Drogo> you know why?
<Drogo> It saves to your brain
<Brandalf85> ....
<Brandalf85> =0
<Rob> haha
<Brandalf85> the horror
<Drogo> You're like "Oh... hey... Happy childhood memories.. NO! DONT SAVE THERE!"

#515496 +(1624)- [X]

<Knighted_> goddammit
<Knighted_> why can't anything i think of turn out right?
<Knighted_> listerine + foot odour smells worse than just feet, and now my shoes are technically flammable

#515865 +(-61)- [X]

<DarkNeo> Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval?
<LongWongSilver> no
<DarkNeo> He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steamroller.

#516497 +(1611)- [X]

<Linforcer> heh, I just told m girfriend I like my women like I like I like my programming
<MuStR>     logical?
<Linforcer> C++
<mkde>      LOL
<MuStR>     rofl are you serious?

#516599 +(1002)- [X]

<@David> All of these kernel panics make this computer more secure.
<@David> The machine can't be hacked when it's down.

#516917 +(258)- [X]

(@elusive_brob) XargoL
(@elusive_brob) I've got a hook-up-line for you
(+XargoL) oh?
(+XargoL) ;O
(@elusive_brob) "wanna play network? you're switch and i'm cable?"
(+XargoL) heh
(+XargoL) remember firewall

#518191 +(781)- [X]

atomicmint2006: this whole project raped me in the butthole
dahlia: that's no good.
dahlia: butthole sex needes tenderness and lube.
atomicmint2006: yeah, well this project
atomicmint2006: used a sandpaper condom

#518353 +(2170)- [X]

<lordpil> everyone freeze, this is an irc stickup. don't move or i'll DoS ya. gimme all the voice
<ZorbaTHut> don't hurt me, don't hurt me!
*** ZorbaTHut sets mode: +v lordpil
* lordpil runs away with the voice
*** Parts: lordpil
<ZorbaTHut> damn! he took our voice
<stevieo> ....

#518696 +(2413)- [X]

<RustySpoon> Hahaha... I just came back from Phlanges girlfriend.
<Phloam> Wtf were you doing there? ffs man have some respect
<RustySpoon> Let\'s just say she was glad to see me
* Phlange is now afk
<RustySpoon> fuck when did he log on?

#519288 +(614)- [X]

Phil (Penfold): 600/month each for a house is a lot of money
laurence: Uh, £400...
Phil (Penfold): 400?
laurence: 1200/3=400...
Phil (Penfold): oh right
* Phil (Penfold) had to use a calculator
Phil (Penfold): but forgot it was in hex

#519439 +(-967)- [X]

mouAng: cuz im not perverted
mouAng: hahas
IllIllziroIllIll: say something perverted
IllIllziroIllIll: at least once
IllIllziroIllIll: like
IllIllziroIllIll: boobies
mouAng: ums okays
mouAng: toe

#519623 +(1223)- [X]

<rom> if i was ever playing hide and go seek I would want Anne Frank on my team.

#519721 +(124)- [X]

<strangeintp> anyone know what version ships with latest free Mangina distro?
<mpyne> bwahahaha
<pahli_bar> lol
<mpyne> s/Mangina/Mandriva/ maybe?

#519771 +(1520)- [X]

<DrSeuss> My dad was calling me gay and shit.
<DrSeuss> He was like "Youre a stupid queer! You cant even get a girlfriend!"
<DrSeuss> Thats when I said "Shut up dad, you dont know anything about my life!"
<DrSeuss> ...
<DrSeuss> So I grabbed my pom poms and left :(

#520042 +(988)- [X]

<stargazr> yeah, the only reason i have a tv is cause i won it in a book reading contest

#520156 +(2971)- [X]

<Sloyment> Don't type so fast. This channel looks like Tetris level 50

#520466 +(2202)- [X]

<JadussD> all i can say is, the native americans could not have had better vengeance on americans than tobacco :|
<JadussD> hundreds of thousands of dead each year
<JadussD> "hey, we're going to enslave, decimate, relocate, and destroy your way of life."
<JadussD> "oh, okay. here, smoke this"

#520670 +(8720)- [X]

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

#520752 +(1372)- [X]

<dodgo> what the fuck
<dodgo> school students demonstrating against copyright infringement?
<Count> mmm, it's like the poor demonstrating against food stamps and welfare


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