#484346 +(891)- [X]
<GreyMantledWolf> the internet guy is out side trying to shut off the internet to my neighbor's apt
<GreyMantledWolf> and they'res a hornets nest in the box
<GreyMantledWolf> they're stinging him like mad
<GreyMantledWolf> i should stop putting flowers and nectar in that box
#484579 +(1730)- [X]
<sthmnstr> So I was in this restauraunt with my gf the other day and she wanted to emberas me.
<sthmnstr> I had eaten too much and was holding my stomach moaning and then she's all like 'aww, is the baby kicking?' and i said 'Yup. Thats the last time I eat one of those whole...'
#484721 +(2116)- [X]
BonusStageInBed: let me spell it out for you
BonusStageInBed: DOUBLE U
#484887 +(711)- [X]
<Sorak> is the server still down?
<Sklar> fraid so
<Sorak> omg i fucking hate blizzard
<Sklar> i know i should be angy too, but this is the only time when i can get other stuff done
<Sklar> for example
<Sklar> did u know that uni started?
<Sklar> i didnt :(
<Sklar> gotta re-enrol
#485105 +(770)- [X]
Wolfe177: Me: "so when are we going to use this stuff in real life", math teacher: "when u become a math teacher"
#485109 +(2307)- [X]
Ar0uNd » Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
Ar0uNd » created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
Ar0uNd » which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad
Ar0uNd » breath. This made him.... what?
Ar0uNd » (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
#485128 +(3368)- [X]
XCodymauX: I've been killing pimps all day and still don't have enough money for that sword of light.
l33t 1nt3gr4l: the hell are you playing, GTA: Middle Earth?
#485154 +(1407)- [X]
<ryeenae> don't worry, i'm here for you = )
#485476 +(927)- [X]
* Viperlin just got his toe stuck in a drive bay of a small PC...
<@Viperlin> oh shit
<@Viperlin> please come out
<@Viperlin> :( help
#486091 +(1360)- [X]
<finch|a> pie; if you sued for getting a tattoo, you're a fucking idiot. about as stupid as sueing someone for an accident
<Zachery> finch, never been to the states?
#486158 +(1075)- [X]
Plouj> I can't put a finger on my problem(s).
@Pezmaker> Plouj: touch your finger to your forehead
#486349 +(1012)- [X]
<Man_Loner> I had the best masturbation ever today too
<Man_Loner> I had the magazine open in front of me, at a really great picture
<Man_Loner> My eyes were rolling back in my head
<Man_Loner> I let out a deep moan
<Man_Loner> And then the man in the shop asked "Are you going to buy that?"
#487140 +(431)- [X]
<DiTsHiP> I'm about to go to class, I have two tests today.
<AldeBaran> erk, good luck
<AldeBaran> what subject(s)?
<DiTsHiP> Psychology and Data Structures
<AldeBaran> wow...don't get mixed up...
<DiTsHiP> I'll try not to :)
<AldeBaran> "what program would we use to solve for X?" "Well, a program of mild anti-depressants followed by some sessions with a psycologist should make X feel better about himself"
#487144 +(379)- [X]
<randomchimp> my god country song titles are getting worse by the minute..a song called "Beer for my horses" is playing on local radio
<Wer194> heh, probably get something like 'Her heart was gold but her teeth were stained' next
<Wer194> or even 'dads indecision lead to my circumcision'
#487162 +(824)- [X]
* MTR continues to listen to his best of Poison cd
<ROB> That's gotta be one short fucking CD
#487185 +(24)- [X]
<Workdae> i have the most hilarious issue i just picked up
<Workdae> and i can say it without compromising details, and it'd still be hilarious
<Workdae> i'm not sure where this customer got this command, or who told him it'd update his server...but he ran this command thinking it'd update his server:
<Workdae> dd if=/dev/random of=/dev/hda bs=1M
<Workdae> (if you value your data and you run linux, don't test it to find out what it does)
<Workdae> anyway, he put in the ticket that the server had been updating for a while, and that now he can't connect to it
#487298 +(1997)- [X]
-!- Spudnewt [MacroKILLA@S01060004e2286ac3.wp.shawcable.net] has
<Spudnewt> These goddamn trolls interrupting my flow. These niggas
don't respek us with a +o. They gotta color spam and fake
invite, bombing with asciis in yellow on white. Shit
yeah. it's bright, you 12 year old kiddie. You ain't got
pubes and you ain't seen titty. I'll jupe your chans and
ban your ass. Don't message me with plz unban, your chance
has passed! Other opers crappin up our relay net.
<Spudnewt> Why haven't you delinked your 386 yet? ircd needs xeons and
dual cpus. When it comes to irc hardware, you can't be a
jew. Shit, nobody knows the trouble I've seen. On invites
for websites with naked teens. Begs for ops and packet
attacks. Shit from users who use vi, not emacs. Another
long day of patrolling the IRC. Eating my doritos, and
having a jerk, I chat with TheWalrus and #nanog faggots.
<Spudnewt> All this niggas do is complain "the lag it's-- bad, chat
is slow, and we're getting harassed." Shit, trolls, this
k-line is your last. Once more and it's "G" and you're
gone for good. Banned from the internet chatting
neighbourhood. It's lonely at the top. Just me and
CHANFIX. Day in and day out. Banning trolls with my linux.
We give safe harbor to chatters world wide.
<Spudnewt> From pedophiles to hacker thieves. Yeah, I won't lie: IRC
is a cesspool of e-misfits. EazyCheezes and bagel-cutters
like that nigga BitS. But at least we're the best.
Disagree and you're gone. BRB, mom just told me gotta mow
-!- Spudnewt [MacroKILLA@S01060004e2286ac3.wp.shawcable.net] has left
-!- mode/#nanog [+b spudnewt!*@*] by nar
<Darkcyde> someone give that guy a record deal
#487300 +(745)- [X]
Magustol: what about a geek nightclub?
Adam r the God: what? instead of a dancefloor, just a bunch of DDR machines?
#487321 +(1544)- [X]
<cast> see, the roof falling on me is the least of my problems here, the whole building going from |^| to /^/ to ___ is my problem
#488189 +(2503)- [X]
<ZhanDVG> I kept glancing at the computer thinking that the channel was dead...
<ZhanDVG> Then I realised I was looking at Notepad :(
<Ice_Dragon> Zhan, I can safely say I don't think any of us are ever going to top that
#488268 +(1704)- [X]
<khamosis> oh man... i had typed "hey! anyone awake?" in another channel about 20 minutes ago
<khamosis> and just now i saw it and typed "yes!" not realizing it was me
#488793 +(9043)- [X]
<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore
#488826 +(2019)- [X]
<Devilbunny> I just got back from a team-building meeting at work. There was pizza and the managers did karaoke, and we played games.
<Devilbunny> We played Cranium, basically a team based trivial pursit, with cards like "draw a picture and have your team guess what it is," or "hum this song and have your team guess."
<Devilbunny> The last card was charades, for the word "hormone"
<Devilbunny> So, next week's meeting will be sensitivity training.
#489514 +(1276)- [X]
<appleboy> Are you chinese?
<transgress> do i look chinese motherfucker?
#489516 +(1412)- [X]
Swatt> wait, whats 2nd base?
Garay> well 1st is making out, 2nd is hand job/fingering, 3rd is oral, and 4th or home is sex...
Swatt> what about 5th?
Garay> oh thats not 5th, thats a foul
#489710 +(2166)- [X]
<scytale> man, i suck at cooking
<scytale> was cooking something, piece of food fell on the floor
<scytale> dog ate it up, then threw up
#489851 +(2182)- [X]
<vic> 128kbps is good for music, but for a shower
<vic> it's way more than you need
<Jewass> no way
<Jewass> i need to feel my cleanest
<Jewass> and we have lo-flo shower heads at my house
<Nosnam> Its not a lo-flo shower head. It's a low bandwidth shower head.
<Kurt> golden showers
<Nosnam> golden showers would be AOL
<Nosnam> A dialup shower head is one where you have to stand there for 10 minutes before the water starts coming out
<Nosnam> I use a cisco router with my shower. It's load distribution sprays my entire body at once
<Nosnam> I forgot to enable WEP encryption on my 802.11G shower... I was showering, and my neighbor joined me
<Chamuyo> I remember back in my time when you had to order your water and it got delivered in paper envelopes with stamps glued on them
<vic> that's taking it to far
#490619 +(999)- [X]
<d0pp> I farted over the intercom last night.
<d0pp> It echoed through the entire store.
#490690 +(432)- [X]
<DM|Rigs> heh no body loves me
<Munter> Jesus loves you!
<Sirak> Everybody else thinks you're a cunt
#491216 +(1182)- [X]
<TFH> I'm going to start a band called Dial Up, and we are only going to play slow songs.
#491589 +(722)- [X]
< mine9> 231,212 people or communities on LJ that list "sleeping" as an interest
< mine9> 1.03 million for music
< mine9> 324,420 for computers
< mine9> and a measly 196,490 for sex
< mine9> talk about boring people...
< nub> that's because they're on livejournal. look up "masturbation"
#491595 +(606)- [X]
ThePseudoNerd: Nobody was eating any of the food, so I said, "Finish your food. Think of all the starving kids in Africa."
ThePseudoNerd: And later on, I hadn't finished my drink, so this kid says, "Finish your beer. Think of all the sober kids in Africa."
#491608 +(919)- [X]
trevmaniscool: my day was horrible, i lost a 20 dollar bill, got beat up, and was late for all my classes
vampiriclord98: why u get beat up?
trevmaniscool: For stealing a 20 dollar bill when I should have been going to class
#491614 +(2412)- [X]
<SirCourage> So anyways, I knew at 1:30 am this morning that my english paper would not be finished, so I opened up mirc.exe in notepad, saved it as a .txt, emailed it to my school email and told them that their email server must have ruined my paper. I got an A- :D
#491664 +(2469)- [X]
<Zach> Is your Dad home?
<Zach> You get any hot chicks on the internet yet?
<videogameaholic> wtf? There aren't any chicks on the internet.
<Zach> You gotta do what I do. I get onto one of them lesbian chatrooms and pretend to be a 19 year old girl.
<videogameaholic> I bet the other 60 "horny lesbians" in that room think they are just as clever as you.
<Zach> no no no, they're really women, they send me naked pictures
<videogameaholic> What do you do when they ask for yours?
<Zach> I send them a pic of a 19 year old girl.
<Zach> No seriously, they're all lesbians.
<videogameaholic> If you say so...
<Zach> damn straight.
<videogameaholic> I'm sure you are.
#491687 +(3438)- [X]
<Malygris> Hey, interesting. I just got an email offering 20% off rabbits.
<Malygris> So I clicked it. I like rabbits. They're cute, and I have lots of other animals anyway, so a rabbit or two might be cool.
<Malygris> Turns out that "rabbit" is apparently some sort of slang for neon-coloured dildos with anal stimulators.
<Malygris> Good prices, though.
#492262 +(1956)- [X]
<sword> i have the perfect girlfriend
<jon334> girlfriends are never perfect, m8
<sword> well last night while she was giving me a back massage she asked me whether i wanted anything to eat or a blowjob or both. i said that im a bit tired so she got me a beer from the fridge and said that i should make myself comfortable
<sword> cause she still hadnt finished my home assignment for the PHP class and she wanted to check /. too
<jon334> she good looking?
<sword> id say so, yea
<jon334> MARRY HER! NOW
#492527 +(891)- [X]
<M3atwad> my dad's been actin really weird lately
<M3atwad> he comes up behind my while im doin homework and gives me back rubs
<M3atwad> i don't know if it's sexual harrassment
<M3atwad> or if he's happy im doin my homework so that he doesnt get arrested for me dropping out of school
<Kylie> your dads a perv
<magik8> ur dads a perv
<op_01001> your dad's a perv
<dysc404> your droppin out?
#492651 +(-843)- [X]
Eglagaladiel: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat nuclear warheads?
#492775 +(7173)- [X]
Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."
#492947 +(546)- [X]
<baconbits> Hey, have any of you seen that AOL commercial where the guys are getting food?
<baconbits> And the AOL guy is dumping chili and jello and crap on the guy's sandwich saying that it's "Spam and viruses"
<baconbits> And then he's like "Which would you rather have, Regular highspeed with viruses and spam, or highspeed internet with AOL?
<baconbits> I got the best parody for that.
<baconbits> The guys are standing in line
<baconbits> Getting food.
<baconbits> And the Regular highspeed guy takes a crap on the sandwich
<baconbits> And says "Which would you rather have, my regular highspeed, or highspeed with AOL on it?
#493363 +(1975)- [X]
<nxn> dude I'm playing tic tac toe with this chick over a doodle drawing thing
<nxn> I put down an X in the middle and she's like "OMFG CAMPER!!"
#493876 +(883)- [X]
Dan: we went to "the store" in our lunch break today
Dan: there was this shop with the sign "coffee corn" above it
Dan: it was meant to be 2 different signs but it looked like one
Dan: and this girl that was with us asked "WTF is coffee corn"
Dan: then later we walked around the other side and the other part of the sign said "nuts juice"
#494970 +(65)- [X]
<ziz> i'm reading this article about the new intel centrino pentium M processor
<ziz> apparently they had a lot of failures early in the manufacturing process
<ziz> but now they're happy with it
<ziz> and some embedded network appliance makers have begun using them in their webservers
<ziz> so the name of this thing is the "Dothan"
<ziz> and i keep thinking "...what, so many Dothans died to bring me this information?"
#495085 +(1027)- [X]
<JoeSmurf> I got drunk, got into a fight, walked like 5 miles in the rain to my gf's parents house and got into bed with her mother
<Joesmurf> by mistake
<Nortica> You fuck her?
<Joesmurf> I had no clothes on and started talking real dirty before my actual gf came in...
<Joesmurf> Yeah that morning coffee was like none other ... all three of us cramped around that little table, all thinking about what had happened, and no one saying anything except like "lovely morning out" and "think it's sposed to rain later"
<Nortica> funny shit
<Joesmurf> I think her mum was semi into it ... mite break up with my gf and go after her dirty hoe mum
<Joesmurf> plus I wouldn't have to move
#495173 +(1826)- [X]
<microgal> and whiter than white
<Kronovohr> so...you're like #GGGGGG?
#495464 +(20)- [X]
<joshua> i hate this... i wish it could be like "what's your name sir? " "Josh Nieman" "oh, well here's the exact computer that's best for you at a price you love, thank you for shopping with Dream On, Asshole Industries"
#495510 +(1124)- [X]
<Bork_Tanbey> pretty soon EA's creativity on expansion packs is going to run dry
<Bork_Tanbey> then they're going to have to start thinking retroactively
<Bork_Tanbey> The Sims: Text RPG
<Bork_Tanbey> "Buy Washing machine"
<Bork_Tanbey> "place washing machine north of dryer"
<Hotwire> "rotate east"
<Hotwire> "rotate east"
<Hotwire> "change color to red"
<Bork_Tanbey> "impregnate slutty neighbor"
<Hotwire> "slap neighbour and run from child support"
<Bork_Tanbey> "challenge everything!"
#495543 +(145)- [X]
<poetic_toupet> i REALLY dont know what gives people the idea that opers should be "fair"
#495571 +(1407)- [X]
<+sys> diodes are too one-sided
<+fork> on the contrary, my dildos are double-sided
<+fork> diodes. ok