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#440165 +(270)- [X]

<mandz> i am going out. i'm waiting for the washing machine to stop
<lohnro> usually youre on top of it hoping it doesnt stop

#440169 +(614)- [X]

<baloo>lispy: I have this horrible addiction to food. I try to quit, but I just get wracked with pain after a day or two every time and just have to have a cheeseburger.
<baloo>They only told me the positive effects of food. Nobody ever told me food would be hard to quit.
<malfunct`>their highly addictive products which are advertised as safe got me hooked and ruined my teeth and put me at high risk for heart disease and diabetes
<malfunct`>and from what I hear, mcdonalds is ruining my liver
<baloo>Not to mention high cholestorol
<lispy>baloo: i find myself horribly addicted to O_2...i can't go five minutes without it...i get shakey and light headed...i'll fight someone that won't let me get my O_2 fix
<malfunct`>ok bal, I don't buy that pepsi gave me high colesterol
<baloo>lispy: I know what you mean. I get the same way about water after a couple hours on a hot day.
<malfunct`>lispy: yeah, the 02 addiction is nearly as bad as my dihydrogen monoxide addiction
<malfunct`>and you know how many bad things dihydrogen monoxide can do
<baloo>malfunct`: Yeah. I mean, holy hell, you mix dhydrogen monoxide and dioxygen long enough undisturbed on the hood of your car and it'll eat right through it. Might take a few years, but it'll do it.
<malfunct`>baloo: yeah, and how many natural disasters can be traced back to the dihydrogen monoxide as a source
<lispy>baloo: it only takes a couple ounces of that stuff to kill a baby in a matter of minutes if you leave their face in it
<baloo>malfunct`: No kidding. You breathe even a little of that and it'll hurt like hell for days.

#440309 +(385)- [X]

<Gravit> Poker, beer, and lucky charms. What does that make us? :)
<Roverpup> Irish.

#440386 +(489)- [X]

<britney> shut up, you're SO retardeder than me!

#441086 +(1650)- [X]

*** _Melody_ has been kicked off channel #unix by Snooze (it's your wedding night, get off irc)
*** _Melody_ (melody@ignite.blackened.net) has joined channel #unix
<_Melody_> oh
<_Melody_> we already had the sex

#441100 +(734)- [X]

<Kurisu> what would happen if a serial killer went around choping mens penises off and sewing them to his head so that he had several phaluses protruding from his forhead and temples
<RDreamer> he would have to wear a special type of hat.

#441244 +(1108)- [X]

KeithX: Yes, firefox is indeed greater than women.
Keithx: Can women block pop ups for you? No.
Keithx: Can Firefox show you naked women? Yes.

#441630 +(470)- [X]

<photovoric> jesus fucking christ
<photovoric> is  masturbation

#441694 +(1898)- [X]

gamemastax: you know how my parents are divorced right?
DrJerad: yeah
gamemastax: Well I just had a talk with my mom.
gamemastax: i told her i didn't want to live with her anymore
gamemastax: she started crying
DrJerad: Why did you tell her that?
gamemastax: because I don't want to?
DrJerad: Why not?
gamemastax: because her computer only has 64 mb of RAM
gamemastax: and that's just not enough to run world of warcraft smoothly

#441788 +(1268)- [X]

<apdn_angel> hey, what's the difference between michael jackson and neil armstrong?
<Beerman> neil armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon
<apdn_angel> and...
<Beerman> and michael jackson fucks little kids in the ass

#441908 +(229)- [X]

[ @Jesper ] windows is really secure, they just hid the close exploits check box very well

#441927 +(399)- [X]

notorious phake: everybody gets mistaken for a whale at least once in their life
notorious phake: it just happens to her a whole lot more

#441963 +(256)- [X]

<Raab> How's Half Life 2 treating you?
<Ashpolt> I would say like a woman
<Ashpolt> but women hate me

#441969 +(671)- [X]

<krazy> Have any of you weighed yourselves before and after you shit?
<Wanderer> ... Why would we want to know how much our shit weighed?
<krazy> Well, it's helped me prove that, despite everyone's claims, I'm not full of shit.

#441975 +(1441)- [X]

I am Jeremiadine: i just left a message on smith's cellphone in binary
Sela: Fun.
I am Jeremiadine: yeah
I am Jeremiadine: the best part is even if he decodes it it's in french
I am Jeremiadine: ...i'm bored

#441976 +(964)- [X]

<Monsoon`> They could make a TV show about IRC.  Call it "American Idle"

#441984 +(97)- [X]

<TIK_> Feck.. my machine just caught fire.. still going tho..
<-- TIK_ has quit (Quit)

#442022 +(78)- [X]

<CG> well paint me green and call me gumby

#442041 +(57)- [X]

<Navy|Scholar> I suppose you people have heard about the Semantic Web?
<east> yes
<Brawler> Nevar
<east> if you're talking about semantic markup, yes
<ignatios> yeah
<Hokaloogie> Is that something to do with Jews?

#442133 +(495)- [X]

JonTG3: ever since i learned internet speak
JonTG3: i've wanted to turn in a 600 word paper that consisted of my name, the date, a title and 300 instances of OMG TOASTER

#442221 +(1456)- [X]

<the_muss> New Game!  add the word "anal" to the beginning of car names. Anal Jamboree, Anal Explorer, Anal Pulsar, Anal Prelude, Anal Adventurer, Anal Legacy, Anal Nexus, Anal Swift
<pyrophoric> lol, Anal Jazz, Anal Ram, Anal Probe
<iuqcaj> Anal Bandit, Anal Forester, Anal Laser, Anal Escort, Anal Sovereign, Anal Beetle, Anal Golf, Anal Samurai
<the_muss> Anal Eclipse, Anal Discovery, Anal Wrangler, Anal Ambassador, Anal Vanquish, Anal Vagrant, Anal Diablo
<pie> Comedy Gold... Anal Trooper
<the_muss> lol
<pyrophoric> lmao

#442703 +(721)- [X]

<Shiggy1> OMG
<Shiggy1> Ive just discovered something
<Shiggy1> !
<Shiggy1> !
<kFraction> the exclaimation key?

#442705 +(70)- [X]

Vince: I just need a lot of vaseline for the next few days
Kint: ........

#443246 +(458)- [X]

halfbakedbuzzard: ahah, my next door neighbors house is on fire
halfbakedbuzzard: brb, gotta get the camera

#443655 +(2091)- [X]

<Graham> Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off...
<Graham> And let's say that very situation comes up and for some very solid reasons you behead a man.
<Graham> On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax snaps in half in a spray of splinters.
<Graham> So the next day you take it to the ax store down the block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains as barbeque sauce.
<Graham> Now, that next spring you find in your garage a creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A badgerconda.
<Graham> And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax strikes the concrete floor and shatters.
<Graham> This means another trip to McMillan & Son's Ax Mart. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year.
<Graham> He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.
<Graham> You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!"
<Graham> ...Is he right?

#444349 +(491)- [X]

<FriedGold> Gentlemen... welcome to recursion club.  The first rule is: you do not talk about recursion club.  The next rule is: see first rule.

#444394 +(927)- [X]

<kai> dwi
<pancakguy> dealing with intent?
<Nosnam> lol, dealing with intent?
<Nosnam> Is it possible to deal without intent? SHIT OFFICER, I ACCIDENTLY SOLD SOME POT

#444453 +(1235)- [X]

ProfessorOhki: oh, ud get a kick out of this
ProfessorOhki: cisco guy came to talk to my class
ProfessorOhki: (lecture hall)
thepieisabomb: ya
ProfessorOhki: and he goes "i ask this ever year out of curiosity, who has the most media collected and served?"
ProfessorOhki: no one wants to raise hands
ProfessorOhki: one guy rasies his hand
ProfessorOhki: "how many gigs of media do you have shared?"
ProfessorOhki: guy: "about 3.6 terrabytes"
ProfessorOhki: i swear the cisco guys heart stopped for a sec

#444459 +(314)- [X]

Americanyankee: True or False? I have a really big penis... who ever gets the right answer gets 500gil
Cookiemonster: False
Ziegfried: false
Tyechmo: haha looks like your out 1000 gil

#444482 +(1291)- [X]

<Justin> I just thought of a great game.
<Justin> A bunch of men stand naked in a room, facing a TV
<Justin> Gay porn is played.
<Justin> IF you get an erection, you're out of the game.
<Justin> And the last guy without an erection wins.
<Justin> "Last Man not Standing"

#444533 +(894)- [X]

yancan c o o k: im sry man..
yancan c o o k: if u ever need someone
yancan c o o k: u know
yancan c o o k: a shoulder to cry on
yancan c o o k: or like
yancan c o o k: someone to talk to
yancan c o o k: then
yancan c o o k: go fuck urself
yancan c o o k: cuz thats not me

#444547 +(617)- [X]

<LAWN|batman[sAs]> the department of homeland security is making a mockery of the starfleet alert system.

#444656 +(807)- [X]

<Cedlind> god damn its snowing outside..
<Amnesia> no it's not
<Cedlind> soo.. all this white stuff I got all over me is?
<Cedlind> crap.. shouldn't have said that..

#444712 +(213)- [X]

<`Sesshomaru> can i have a bullet
<CH> only if it comes out the muzzle

#444728 +(430)- [X]

< quinn> There are three R's to windows tech support: "Restart, Reboot, Reinstall"

#444750 +(793)- [X]

<Ninja>  What if on the next smash there was online gameplay and for every bodies colors they could have different moves
<TestRider>  What if a op barged in here and banned your ass?
<Ninja>  oh really and who are you?
<@McFox>  Apparently he's a psychic.

#444791 +(88)- [X]

Muddin: but in criminal law we were talking about the people who have to stick they're hands up peoples ass's and search for drugs
Cancel: Well I guess you could just say its a shitty job

#444814 +(282)- [X]

<@Seth> *** How to Create a Religion in 4 easy steps ***
<@Seth> Step 1: Create "god", "evil" and "theories"
<@Seth> Step 2: Write book (should take about a page)
<@Seth> Step 3: Layer on the bullshit (should now be ~1000 pages)
<@Seth> Step 4: Publish and wait for the suckers

#444838 +(1074)- [X]

<joel`> Penguins are the only fish that can fly

#444901 +(505)- [X]

Sam Stone:  Blade walk into your parents bedroom totally naked and covered in wesson oil and weilding a knife. Scream at the top of your lungs "YOU JUST STAY RIGHT IN THE FUCKING BED OR I'LL CUT IT~!!!!" then grab your man hammer in a death grip in shake it at your mom. Whatever she says next, make a quick downward stab while screaming but don't stab yourself in the penis for real. Then shuffle over to mom and say "Just kidding mom, happy easter!" and walk back to your room

#444942 +(480)- [X]

<Colby> Some people are like Slinkys. They don't really do anything, but it's still funny when one of them takes a tumble down the stairs.

#444956 +(675)- [X]

Julliana`: I live in LA. Girls like to say "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual." I like to reply "I'm not honest but you're interesting."

#444977 +(448)- [X]

<@MajorKong> man, it is quiet in here....
<@MajorKong> either you are all asleep in anticipation of tomorrow's feasting.....
<@MajorKong> or I seriously need to buy stock in kleenex.

#444998 +(1420)- [X]

<Phil> i wish my girlfriend was into DDR
<knuck> i wish my girlfriend didnt end in .jpg

#444999 +(677)- [X]

<conVict> omg my older bro is a bastard
<conVict> it's mum's birthday, and he set up a treasure hunt for her to find her gift
<conVict> she went all aroudn the house. up and down the stairs
<conVict> finally found the final clue
<maxi> lol
<conVict> it was a picture of goatse
<maxi> ROFL!!!!
<conVict> mum started crying
<conVict> he got banned from the comp for a month

#445124 +(222)- [X]

<Ark> whats burnt to a crisp and sits at the top of a staircase?
<Mattyoo> ???
<leoN> wha?
<Ark> christopher reeves in a house fire
<leoN> dude that is not cool

#445227 +(1064)- [X]

<feste_> I had a traditional thanks giving..invited the neighbors over for dinner..then killed them and took their land!!

#445230 +(379)- [X]

<CrazyMAC> i wish i liked whiskey
<CrazyMAC> then i could drink it and stop shaving and look tough

#445322 +(223)- [X]

<Auratus> I'm making fun of you because I can
<DeepSeaFishin> Well its thanksgiving
<DeepSeaFishin> and we should be giving thanks to each other
<Auratus> I give thanks for the fact that i can make fun of you over the internet

#445348 +(993)- [X]

<Stapler[BTEG]>  When British police conducted a drug raid during a party at Keith Richards' Redlands estate in 1967, they found Mick Jagger eating a Mars bar out of Marianne Faithfull's vagina.
<Stapler[BTEG]> FALSE
<Fortyseven[BTEG]> Who hasn't done that?
<Fortyseven[BTEG]> Oh.
<Tristan> It was a snickers.
<indigoflo> i heard thats how you catch genital hersheys

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