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#349015 +(401)- [X]

ohnoitschris: White Castle: The OTHER guilty pleasure that makes you scream in the bathroom
ohnoitschris: ...
ohnoitschris: I am so sorry.

#349094 +(719)- [X]

(alchemist) does a ps2 gameshark let you play burnt games?
(Victor`) the short answer is: yes, you can play burnt games with a ps2 gameshark.
(alchemist) long answer?
(mojo) it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

#349132 +(1766)- [X]

<artof tanz>God i'm a loser.
<artof tanz>Some commercial for a sitcom said this
<artof tanz>wife: "what color are my eyes?!" husband: "34C"
<artof tanz>and I'm like, wtf thats not an RGB value

#349135 +(7254)- [X]

<beser> Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
<beser> Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other. One door has a sign hanging over it saying "Those with prejudice walk through this door" The other door's sign said "Those without prejudice walk through this door". Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn't openable because as the tour guide says "Everyone has prejudice".
<beser> So, I start tugging on the door and say "What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?" and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

#349350 +(702)- [X]

<Arameth> wow if the bible was an rpg then judas was damn poor. he sold out for thirty silver, that is three gold pieces, you can only just buy a dagger for that

#349405 +(1298)- [X]

<Number-6> there's this raging homophobe fundiechristian who runs this hate organization in Michigan named Gary Glenn
<Number-6> he runs the American Family Association of Michigan out of his basement
<Number-6> and checks Google News every day for his name
<Number-6> because he's a totaly narcissist
<Number-6> anyway
<Number-6> i bait him now and then because my headlines are carried by google news
<Number-6> and he turns up and starts posting comments on my web site
<Number-6> so then i get his IP address
<Number-6> and start redirecting him to tubgirl.com
<Number-6> nothing makes me happier than making that pigfucker look at feces

#349445 +(438)- [X]

<jimmiejaz> Doctors in Singapore say the virus that causes severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) is present in the tears of patients with the disease.
<syberghost> Cry me a fever.

#349533 +(342)- [X]

<Immortal> A friend of mine works as a janitor at a high school
<Immortal> and that high school has a really advanced mental/developmentally handicapped program
<Immortal> in other words, a special wing for retards
<wm161> dyslexics of the world, untie!
<Patrick_Moore> lol
<Immortal> well anyway, the janitors put mousetraps in the rooms that the retards use
<Immortal> but the retards kept setting them off to take the peanut butter
<Immortal> eventually, they figured out that they could set them off with a foot and it would hurt less
<Immortal> so they had to hide the mouse traps
<Immortal> :D
<Immortal> anyone who reads all that will think it's funny
<Immortal> or else call me an insensitive bastard

#349567 +(16437)- [X]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

#349856 +(1231)- [X]

<tyranid05> So I was in auto shop measuring a brake disc tonight.  It came out to be 1.1337"
<tyranid05> I started to laugh.  When asked why by the teacher, I explained about l33t.
<tyranid05> When I came out of class my car was egged.  :(

#350385 +(1035)- [X]

<evilkalla> oh man
<evilkalla> that club sandwich has caused some intestinal armaggeddon
<ModernAngel> four horsemeats of the anal apocalypse
<crux> well, there goes my boner

#350387 +(462)- [X]

< natx> so drawing maps from satelite imagery is a pretty fun job..
< natx> but when i found out you cant zoom in far enough to see elephants
< natx> i was really let down

#350397 +(1734)- [X]

* qwerty- wonders why Home and End aren't yet implemented
<qwerty-> pretty useful keys, for me at least
<Mike`> The Home key works for me; everytime I press it, I look around and I'm at home.
<Mike`> I haven't had the guts to try the End key yet.

#350403 +(975)- [X]

<GLE> Does eating a chunk of cheese rolled in sandwich meat make me a fatass?
<JimiThing> im inclined to say yes
<JimiThing> but depends on the size and type of cheese
<JimiThing> and the kind of meat
<GLE> Sunrise thin-sliced turkey, and old cheddar cheese with a volume of about... 5 cm^3?
<Phil_> Nah... but I'm pretty sure figuring out the volume of a piece of cheese makes you a virgin.

#350422 +(-215)- [X]

blondieCA67865: man i'm soo bored!
RunAFreakingWay: I'm dying because of these people are so hilarious. Lemme show you.
blondieCA67865: mk
RunAFreakingWay: <reptile-> The first time hypr opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside he yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"
<hypr> wtf are donut seeds
blondieCA67865: donuts dont even have seeds?

#350529 +(2846)- [X]

<glasnost> dammit, all my penis keep getting lost
<glasnost> err
<glasnost> penis*
<glasnost> dammit!
<glasnost> i've freudian slipped and i can't get up

#350532 +(945)- [X]

<Disko> I USE CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I WILL BECOME NOTICED, POPULAR, AND GOOD IN BED

#350534 +(441)- [X]

Pingu: heh just randomly i said to someone
Pingu: "kate, why are you such a bell end?"
Pingu: just to see what theyd say
Pingu: kate  says: because i was born that way
Bull3h: you've been blocked
Pingu: nah
Pingu: kate's hardcore
Bull3h: does hardcore ?
Pingu: yes
Pingu: i just asked her if im allowed to call her a bell end to her face and she said yes
Pingu: im toying with the idea of asking her if i can slap her in the face with my bell end
Bull3h: clearly she fancies you
Pingu: yeah
Bull3h: but is she hot ?
Pingu: well...
Pingu: she's not not hot
Bull3h: with my few years extra of experiance i'd say that the girls who are fairly hot but not really hot are the best kind
Bull3h: they're not cock sluts who fuck you over and just keep you about because they like the attention
Bull3h: tho you gotta watch out, crazy girls... watch out, they'll do something like split up with you because everythings going to well and they dont want to get hurt
Bull3h: then stalk you and keep suggesting that you get back with them
Pingu: I JUST ASKED HER IF I COULD CALL HER A BELL END TO HER FACE FFS
Bull3h: LOOK I'M SPOUTING WISE ADVICE
Pingu: sorry
Pingu: carry on
Bull3h: so basically drug her and rape her.
Pingu: k
Bull3h: roofies
Pingu: best way

#350537 +(631)- [X]

<mebR> cs players dont need condoms, we use our personality

#350547 +(390)- [X]

Cochese: you're under the impression that Viagra will just give you an erection
Cochese: it'll only help sustain an erection that you get from whatever gives you wood
FeMHuR: so if I take Viagra but nothing turns me on nothing will happen?
Cochese: correct
theho81: so there's still no hope for fat chicks?

#350568 +(1221)- [X]

<houhou> i havnt had sex in a month now :(
<StopNdroP> I grew a nut tree in my backyard and now it's a prize winning plant
<Yuri> wow your nuts must be huge
<Quake> please tell me youre talkin about stopndrop

#350581 +(2637)- [X]

<raiden> Hey dude I think I left my gamecube there.
<Khaniber> You didn't.
<raiden> No I really think I did.  I've unpacked, searched my room a few times, and I can't find it.  I have my games and controllers, but not the cube.
<Khaniber> You've been gone for a week.  I'm quite sure I would have noticed a large purple cube sitting in my own room!
<raiden> Well I don't have it here, which means it has to be there.
<Khaniber> I can tell you it's not.  I spend at least 4 hours awake in my room every day, I'm in and out of here throughout the day.  I eat here.  I sleep here.  If it were here, I would have seen it, and I'd be having nightmares of this purple Borg-ish cube foating above my entertainment center saying "We are Nintendo.  Your console features and game originality will added to our own.  Resistance is futile"
<raiden> Just check your damn room for it!
<Khaniber> Fine!  If it'll get you to quit whining.
<raiden> yeah thanks
<Khaniber> ...
<Khaniber> Um...so when did you want to come by and pick it up?

#350924 +(697)- [X]

<drwiii> Warning: I just got to level 13 in Dr. Mario.
<j0nkatz> Warning: A terrorist just shot me in Rainbow Six: 3
<drwiii> Dr. Mario is too busy to treat you.
<j0nkatz> :<

#350939 +(1333)- [X]

Curseoftantalus: How the HELL are ya doin?
PrimalDeicide: GOOD
Curseoftantalus: GREAT!  That's GREAT to hear!
PrimalDeicide: AWESOME
Curseoftantalus: WONDERFUL!
Curseoftantalus: INCREDIBLE!
PrimalDeicide: INCREDULISTIC FABULOSIS!
Curseoftantalus: That's not funny man, my great grandmother died of that.
PrimalDeicide: She must have looked very good for the funeral.
Curseoftantalus: Fabulously incredible.

#350941 +(1125)- [X]

<Freewill> please don't talk while I'm trying to interrupt you

#350956 +(1129)- [X]

JunoRulz: Know what would suck?
JunoRulz: Falling down an up escalator.

#350962 +(1078)- [X]

<Shiv>To: Starduck (starduck@anbudom.net)
<Shiv>From: Shiv Asmodaeus (shiv_@hotmail.com)
<Shiv>Subject: Forum Ban
<Shiv>
<Shiv>It has been several months since I was banned from the ANBU forums, and I believe that I have <Shiv>learned my lesson.  I promise to never, ever again ask for the specifics regarding what has <Shiv>infested your colon, nor if said infestation has begun the laying of eggs.  If you wish, I <Shiv>will avoid the subject of your intestinal invaders altogether.
<Shiv>
<Shiv>Additionally, I withdraw my query regarding the status of your Valtrex prescription.  <Shiv>Understandably, I am sure this would be an uncomforatable subject to speak of to a stranger.
<Shiv>
<Shiv>With great expectations and rock hard nipples, I await your reply.  Thank you.

#351018 +(2178)- [X]

<MalachiConstant> hah, I have a funny story about watching Ringu, ready?
<Jessica> Yeah.
<MalachiConstant> I was watching it on DVD, and it was a quiet scene, like s shot of someone sleeping...
<MalachiConstant> I was admiring how they kept showing someone just sleeping, and were realy building the tension well...
<MalachiConstant> then I realized my DVD player was stuck and I was watching a still frame for about 10 minutes on the edge of my seat

#351025 +(2000)- [X]

<Reaver_Reload> This reminds me of a time back in college, where one of my friends who was really dumb, she was crying one day and i asked her what was wrong. Turns out she broke up with her boyfriend, but she wouldnt say why.
<Reaver_Reload> I convinced her to tell me, and apparently she was talking with her other two friends about their boyfriends. one friend was complaining how cold her boyfriends nuts were when she was giving him head, and the other one agreed that her boyfriend's were really cold as well. (their boyfriends names are richard and thomas btw)
<Reaver_Reload> So she says she has never given head and the other two encourage her to do it, saying its a 'great way to keep a guy'
<Reaver_Reload> Just two days later apparently she ran crying to her friends and they asked her what was wrong, and she said "I tried giving him a blow job, he was enjoying it at first but then he just got up and left and said we were over before i had even finished!"
<Reaver_Reload> concerned, her two friends asked her what was wrong.. turns out she said "Wow, your balls are really warm.." and he asked "why? is that bad?" and she goes "oh no its just that richards and thomases' balls are really cold"

#351029 +(1407)- [X]

<Raiks> Has anyone got their 'Violence Against Women: Australia Says No' booklets yet?
<Sweep> i have raiks
<Natus> i have too
<Raiks> My girlfriend opened it and got a paper cut from it, and then belted me for laughing at her

#351074 +(1684)- [X]

jeisai: Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out actually having a fun life, you are at home reading about it on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List. You have people on that list you haven't talked to in years, but you still loyally read their away messages every day to see what they're up to. So, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Marauder of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer because you never know when someone's away message may change.
joejoe: you didn't type that, thats too proper for you to have done.
joejoe: where did you get it?
jeisai: it was on somoene's away message...
joejoe: so its about you then?

#351086 +(809)- [X]

<Koushiro> "Religion is the opiate of the masses." -- Karl Marx
<Koushiro> "Winners don't do drugs." -- The FBI

#351098 +(831)- [X]

[+BaByGiRL]: A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
[+BaByGiRL]: "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

#351162 +(734)- [X]

<m0nk3h> *Italy has quit euro.2004.com (Read error: Connection reset by Scandinavia)*

#351195 +(863)- [X]

<squire> can anyone here help me, i just dled a movie and i dunno what to do
<kokoro> have you tried...watching it?

#351223 +(236)- [X]

<Guruchild> i think that babies should be abortable up until 2 years.
<Red_Dog> 2 years? I say 18.

#351226 +(1016)- [X]

<traid> is it bad when people at work ask what happened to your porn site?

#351298 +(569)- [X]

Esi: people have installed linux on their Xboxes so...
Blayne: When people install Linux on their dishwasher, then I'll give them a nod
Esi: is that a challenge?

#351399 +(800)- [X]

Seven11Slurpes: word of advice
Seven11Slurpes: if you take a shit and theres no toilet paper left
Seven11Slurpes: duct tape is NOT a substitute
PrinceCharming4a: o.0 whered that come from
Seven11Slurpes: well, its started off like this
Seven11Slurpes: i was taking a shit
Seven11Slurpes: and found out i didnt have any tiolet paper left
Seven11Slurpes: so i looked around a saw a roll of duct tape next to the sink
Seven11Slurpes: and figured. eh. why not, what harm can i do
Seven11Slurpes: and boy was i WRONG!

#351420 +(1127)- [X]

<Eriya> I need some new and exciting way to prepare chicken legs
<IamMercy> Put on a french maids outfit!
<IamMercy> And play circus music
<Eriya> thanks Mercy, I can always count on you to be completely unhelpful

#351428 +(230)- [X]

<hot^> Do to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

#351713 +(867)- [X]

<sparhawk85> if Electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

#351717 +(464)- [X]

<special_guest> Whoever said that hell hath no fury like a women scorned never owned a cat.

#352050 +(255)- [X]

twentydeadbodies: Now that you're gay you should be picking up all sorts of chicks.
Staticd00r: lol

#352051 +(938)- [X]

<LS_Nick> :o
<LS_Nick> there appears to be arse-cheek marks on my scanner...
<des1re> wtf
<LS_Nick> strange...
<LS_Nick> tastes like my sister =

#352059 +(764)- [X]

<Inversation> hahaha
<Inversation> on the price is right:
<Inversation> "our next prize is: A Super Sucker!" -woman walks out from behind curtain-
<Inversation> -vacuum cleaner emerges a few seconds later-

#352075 +(246)- [X]

JokingClown: I want to have a "wall plug" (electrical socket) surgically implanted into my skin.
JokingClown: Maybe on my side, above my hip.
JokingClown: It would have to actually work or anything... Itd just be funny to see people stare.
JokingClown: I wonder how much a surgery like that would cost...
SpyBreak: :|
JokingClown: Insurance wouldnt cover it, because its cosmetic
SpyBreak: WAAAAY too much time on your hands. go look at porn or something.

#352172 +(9240)- [X]

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor :(
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

#352559 +(966)- [X]

<Xaenyth> I'm going to ask you all a question that got a friend of mine expelled from school.
<Xaenyth> If you were going to shoot up a school...
<Xaenyth> ...what music would you want playing on the loudspeakers as you did it?
<r00x> Kill the rabbit by emler fudd

#352729 +(393)- [X]

JunoRulz: Meh, in health class, some lady talked about it.
JunoRulz: She said rape is unwanted penetration of body.
JunoRulz: So I went around sticking my pinky in girls' ears.
JunoRulz: Declaring rape.


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