#283358 +(-954)- [X]
<prairiePirate> well there was a kid on the news that was born without eyelids
<prairiePirate> they had to use the skin from his circumcision to make them
<prairiePirate> they say he's ok, just a little cock-eyed
#283364 +(225)- [X]
<ideal`> The cable television network YTN estimated that up to 3,000 people had been killed or injured in huge explosions that followed the collision of a train carrying gasoline and a second carrying liquefied petroleum gas.
<ideal`> talk about an unlucky turn of events
<AtriumXP> Yeah, our gas prices are going to go up :(
#283491 +(9215)- [X]
<BronsonTheBeef> So we were supposed to have a guest speaker in one of my classes
<BronsonTheBeef> to talk about diversity and racism and shit today
<BronsonTheBeef> prof's never met him..
<BronsonTheBeef> in walks this super black gangsta ghetto dude
<BronsonTheBeef> he's got a 'pimp' chain around his neck, wearing FUBU everything
<BronsonTheBeef> has a gold watch and a ring on each finger, smells like pot and beer
<BronsonTheBeef> he even had a do-rag on and a cigarrette tucked behind his ear
<BronsonTheBeef> walks in in true rapper style flashing his crazy ghetto signs at us
<BronsonTheBeef> the prof's like...'are you... jeff?'
<BronsonTheBeef> he goes 'true dat, ho' and says 'you all my niggaz!' and he turns in a circle
<BronsonTheBeef> waving his arms in the air singing about 'niggaz in 'da house' or some shit
<BronsonTheBeef> so she tells him to give his speech on diversity and shit
<BronsonTheBeef> and he starts talkin about 'the man' and how 'white folk be dissin'
<BronsonTheBeef> then like a minute later this other black dude runs in dressed in a suit
<BronsonTheBeef> and says 'sorry I'm late'
<BronsonTheBeef> it turns out the first black dude was just baked. he doesn't even go to college
<BronsonTheBeef> he just wanted to buy weed in the dorms
#283492 +(1401)- [X]
toonces344: <ooze> take a hot swedish chick from behind, bend over to her ear. and whisper "i have aids", then try to keep your penis inside of her.
<ooze> thats swedish rodeo.
toonces344: i sent that quote to my girlfriend over AIM, and then she was silent for about 10 mins.
toonces344: i asked her what was up, and she blocked me, so i im'ed one of her friends, and she told me that she was swedish.
toonces344: bash.org ruined my life :(
#283657 +(1177)- [X]
<[FU]HiTechOutlaw> ;o :(
<Nomad> I swear if I ever see you "correct" a smiley again, I'm going to kill you.
#283692 +(864)- [X]
<theSpear> I am NOT gonna donate sperm for money. What would I do if, in 18 years, the kid looked me up? I'd have to tell him that he was beer money.
#283713 +(62)- [X]
Guan Yu: One time I shit myself in a McDonalds.
Guan Yu: So I had to clean myself with my t-shirt. I shoved the shit-covered t-shirt in the tank part on the back of the toliet.
Guan Yu: I came back a year later and the shirt wasnt in the tank. That means somebody removed my shit-smeared DBZ shirt.
Guan Yu: That brings joy to my heart.
#283741 +(1837)- [X]
<Kabuki_Dude> Shit... My teacher just sprung a surprise psych test on me. It was a damned describing game... Like: There's a forest, describe it. I was being a jackass and said that the forest was burned down and blackened.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me how I went through the forest. I said that I ran through it denying all logic and reason.
<Kabuki_Dude> She asked me to describe a vase in the forest, so I said that it had a penis on it.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me to describe a barrier blocking the way. I said that the barrier was my mom with a pickaxe.
<Kabuki_Dude> About 3 days later, my psych calls me and wants to 'talk'. Apparantly, my teacher called my psyche with the results of my test.
<Kabuki_Dude> Here's how it went down: The way you described the forest was the way you viewed life. The way you went through the forest was the way you went through life. The vase is your view on relationships, and the barrier is how you think you're going to die.
<Kabuki_Dude> Needless to say, my teacher keeps her distance from me now.
#283819 +(1023)- [X]
<ic3n3t> there is a bunch of girls playing soccer in the park
<uberartsyboi> im coming over.
<ic3n3t> i think they are 15
<uberartsyboi> im shaving the goatee then coming over.
<ic3n3t> i'll get the lawn chairs
#283847 +(1610)- [X]
El Fry Guy: That reminds me. I was kicked out of history class for making a joke about the holocaust
El Fry Guy: The teacher puts in this after school special or some shit about the holocaust. Guess who hosted it?
El Fry Guy: I shit you not. Keanu Fucking Reeves.
El Fry Guy: As he's talking I burst out laughing then say "Then Hitler jumps out of the sky and says 'Dude. I have a most excellent solution.'"
#283935 +(3062)- [X]
<Radz> Should I replay FF7?
<spiderbait> Nobody's stopping you.
<Radz> That's like another 90 hours I'd be away from you guys though. :(
<payne> Do it.
<spiderbait> Do it.
<xCell> Do it.
#284014 +(954)- [X]
<Max> I went to donate some money to bash.org today
<Max> I clicked the Paypal Donate button, and it comes up with the message:
<Max> Bash.org Paypal Donation attempt #56489 pending
<Max> *two minutes later*
<Max> Bash.org Paypal Donation attempt #56489 rejected
#284202 +(6561)- [X]
<broox> so my speakers haven't beeen working for a while
<broox> they were plugged into the mic port
<npl> umm, i think they are color-coded
<broox> haha, i know
<broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is
* npl has set the topic on channel #cell6 to <broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole it is
#284359 +(26)- [X]
<timmo> today i found out
<timmo> that this girl who was a consistant cock tease to me
<timmo> has cancer
<timmo> some reason i find that karma is at work here
#284658 +(1630)- [X]
Quit: (+[WG]sPiKie) (Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].)
#284748 +(870)- [X]
<odd> last night i dreamt about being in Rio de Janiero.
<odd> the funny thing is, i've dreamt about being in Rio before, and in this dream I said to myself, "wow, it's just like in my dreams."
#284916 +(2205)- [X]
<Evilution> I bought these heinous (but somewhat loveable) underwear today, a silver-metallic snakeskin-boxer.. and when I'm at the register the clerk says 'are you serious? I wouldn't even buy those.. and I'm gay..'
#284969 +(792)- [X]
<Bludywar> can ne one get me a cdkey for counter strike
<Bludywar> a working one
<Rhyth> Go and buy a copy of hl?
<Bludywar> I got one
<Bludywar> my boy ate the fucking cd key
<Bludywar> he took the sticker part off and ate it
<Bludywar> can you give me the cdkey?
<Bludywar> can ne one give me a cdkey tho
<Bludywar> for counter strike
<Rhyth> Your boy ate it?
<Rhyth> That's the most absurd excuse for not having a cdkey ever.
#285164 +(1663)- [X]
<KainSularei> I wish that it was possible to edit car honks
<KainSularei> sometimes someone tries to cut me off, but i always see it coming and speed ahead of them
<KainSularei> So I'm thinking I get some LOTR Gandalf bumper sticker on my back bumper
<KainSularei> I'd like to be able to hit the steering wheel and have them hear this booming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" as I go by
#285255 +(1693)- [X]
sup4hleet: eh, she's cute and has a rack you could mount a server in
#285493 +(1139)- [X]
<Kyr> When i was in psychiatry it was so funny when the psychologist tried to make me do this Rorschach test. I said "that's a Rorschach test innit?" and he was like "yeah but you're not supposed to know that. Now the test 'll be useless"
<Kyr> So I said the drawings looked like dead people and vaginas to console the guy.
#286578 +(135)- [X]
(f`CNK) so lets say im driving
(f`CNK) and sum1 yells in my fucking ear
(f`CNK) i wont lose concentration man
(f`CNK) neither would u!
(f`CNK) we are like superman
(Alchemeron) superman doesn't drive a car, you fucking idiot, he can fly
#286623 +(571)- [X]
<rellekmr> i'm all for promoting abstinence
<rellekmr> the more people who are abstinant the less pathetic i look :)
#286770 +(1185)- [X]
<Sukato> Once again
<Sukato> my firewall successfully blocked hack attempt from 192.168.0.1
<Sukato> Then some programs get kicked offline
<Jed> I know that IP address
<Jed> He's a mean bastard.
#286969 +(596)- [X]
<flowerfrenzy> i went to one of my elementary school dances to find out what it was all about. it was stupid.
<flowerfrenzy> we had to dance like five feet away from the guy
<okto> "leave room for Jesus!"
#287387 +(-79)- [X]
<Mouldy_Llama> ok, I will come clean
<Mouldy_Llama> I only said I got with the chicken to look cool
#287414 +(24580)- [X]
<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was
#287665 +(2375)- [X]
garrett8675309: heard you threatened to shoot my girlfriend...
garrett8675309: you should get your membership card in 7-10 days
#287868 +(482)- [X]
<FuriousC> listening to music no one else cares about doesnt make you cool, its just means you're a ska fan
#287945 +(-326)- [X]
<ds91> U MAKE MY HEART POUND
#288357 +(528)- [X]
<Calisa> When I was little I always wanted little people that could fit in the palm of my hand.
<JPGumby> they are called 'employees'
#288546 +(131)- [X]
<Shockster> Did you hear about that woman that smoked dope in the streets of Baghdad? She was so stoned.
#288632 +(2281)- [X]
<ThatOneDude> the last time somone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years
#289218 +(5022)- [X]
<Cedaie> Your ignorance isn't helping.
<@KTottE> How am I ignorant?
<Cedaie> <@KTottE> Do it again, do it right - Ooh great help *clap* *clap*
<@KTottE> Maybe the word you were searching for was http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=arrogant ?
<Cedaie> yeah thats the one
<Cedaie> Your arrogance isn't helping,
<@KTottE> Neither is your ignorance
#289785 +(852)- [X]
<xi> my parents sent me a fucking text message to tell me they put my dog down today
#289792 +(406)- [X]
SuprJmpmanCarp00: I can't be the only one who finds it funny that KFC dumped Jason Alexander for their ads in favor of a room full of black people
#289910 +(-522)- [X]
WC128: OMFG that pizza was orgasmic
WC128: it was as if God and Jesus and Mary just bukakked into my mouth
#290466 +(2722)- [X]
<raven> Any cat people here? I've got a problem with Nicky...
<Leth> I've been known to be handy with a wok
<Lore> Why, I'm a cat person.
<raven> I took Morgan to the vet yesterday - he was gone for a total of 45 minutes, got two vaccs and a blood draw.
<raven> Brought him home and Nicky went BALLISTIC.
<raven> Spent the rest of the night yowling and hissing and attacking MOrgan.
<CrazyClimber> nicky smells the hospital smells on morgan
<Lore> Yeah, I've seen that happen.
<raven> Is there anything I can do to get the hospital stink off him, then? Pack his carrier in coffe grounds or something?
<tieboy> how about a bath
<CrazyClimber> just give it a day or so
<Lore> We tried catnip and butter, and neither worked.
<agent_orange> you buttered your cat?
<raven> it's the best way to butter the house.
<raven> Cats are effective butter delivery units.
<Lore> We read somewhere to put butter on a cat's forehead.
<agent_orange> did the emolient facilitate insertion?
<Lore> And the other cat licks it off, and likes the first cat, because it tastes like butter.
<Lore> As I said, it didn't work.
<agent_orange> you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats foreWHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING
<tieboy> rub the two cats together vigorously until they smell like each other
<agent_orange> piss on them both at the same time
<tieboy> KITTY TASTES LIKE BUTTER
<raven> It's more fun to put tape on their feet.
<agent_orange> why not do both
<agent_orange> and then get out the handycam
<Lore> I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead."
<agent_orange> AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed, freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of steaming miller lite
<Samwise> You know what helps with feuding cats, Lore? Sending me lots of cash.
<agent_orange> now, see, I read somewhere --
<agent_orange> I think it was leviticus
<agent_orange> -- that what you should do is frost them
<agent_orange> betty crocker, right out of the can
<raven> Chocolate or buttercream?
<Leth> rave: go chocolate, buttercreme isn't pareve
<CrazyClimber> you're frosting meat?
<agent_orange> and then there'a always Cat Wellington
<agent_orange> "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?" "Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!"
<agent_orange> "Why don't you baste the chicken while you're at it, too, dear?" "Baste the ... *light bulb* ...Sure! Sure, I'll 'baste the chicken'!"
<CrazyClimber> a google images search for "buttered cat" returns a picture of isaac hayes
<agent_orange> chocolate salty cat balls
#290896 +(1551)- [X]
<Flamebird> i was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon the other night.. and i was wondering where all the tigers and dragons are
<Flamebird> then i realised they're all crouching and hidden
#291262 +(9110)- [X]
<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> that made no sense
#291399 +(757)- [X]
<Kaelic> I know the trick to talking to girls
<Twinge> Just run up to her and say "DIGGGGITTAALLLL PANNNNTTTSSSSS.... ACTIVATE!"
<Kaelic> Might as well say "Go Go Gadget Penis!"
#291606 +(240)- [X]
<Sholin> You know, I went to KFC the other day with my Mother, And she asked them if they had anything fried..
#291625 +(606)- [X]
<CharColt64> I think when you get a roaming charge a lil icon should pop up, of a guy gettin fucked in the ass
#291648 +(673)- [X]
<icekickr> i think i made my mom wonder why she ever had me
<icekickr> she told me she was going to a couples shower
<icekickr> so i said, "oh a gangbang"
<icekickr> i guess its times like that
#291655 +(2781)- [X]
<vai> My mom is like, deathly afraid of worms and she saw one on the sidewalk
<vai> so she made me go get it and she went inside the house, so I went in the house with the worm in my hand
<vai> and she yelled my name and told me to get rid of it, so I threw it outside I came in the house
<vai> she called me an asshole and a son of a bitch
<vai> so I was like "son of a bitch?" she said "shut up, you're adopted go away"
#291732 +(618)- [X]
<SuperKing> 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
<SuperKing> The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
#291763 +(846)- [X]
[+Hobbes] I was driving by a church on the way home and on the message board out front it said "Under new management"
#293414 +(483)- [X]
<@knucklz> and i was going to make a joke about the shit i just took
<@knucklz> but it was corny
#294080 +(71)- [X]
myke: my sex life is over before it began
myke: i'm married
#294084 +(294)- [X]
* The_Epitome [Playing]: [Enya - Only Time] [3:40][3.36MB]
<Ochre> Enya? My father loves that Enya song at the end of LoTR
<Ochre> but usually by the end of the movie he's drunk as a post, so He'll pretty much listen to anything