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#259421 +(264)- [X]

<golgotha> wait, how did the Mexican Pledge of Allegiance go?
<ShadowRage> we pledge alliegiance to the border, of the united states of america

#259507 +(1912)- [X]

<AJ> One of my best friends is Jewish.
<AJ> For state testing, our school gave us food, so we'd be awake and do well. Someone called it "concentration food".
<AJ> So my friend excitedly says "Concentration food? I haven't had this since camp!"

#259804 +(1218)- [X]

<+Huitzil> PETA is starting a campaign stating that the secret ingredient in KFC chicken is "cruelty"
<+Huitzil> cruelty is apparently the most fucking delicious thing on Earth
<@Dracos> Yes.  It is.
<@Dracos> Which is why veal is the best food ever.

#259938 +(-72)- [X]

<`michael> i just spilled pizza sauce on myself and i'm using bread as a napkin

#260037 +(1077)- [X]

<Philth> WTF?
<Philth> new jenga 9/11 memorial twin pack
<Philth> comes with a little plane to push the blocks out

#260060 +(1507)- [X]

<xNichG> anyone have a good way to visualize 3d vector fields and surfaces?
<Nap> LSD?

#260282 +(2336)- [X]

<knightmare> _______ ___._._._
<GTEK> ?
<knightmare> /s_r__r 12_._._.1
<GTEK> dam i kno this
<knightmare> /ser_er 127._._.1
* Quits: GTEK (Quit)
* Quits: xfiles (Quit)
* Quits: Evolution (Quit)

#260294 +(488)- [X]

<Antipop> Does it have a henway?
<Bew> What's a henway?
<Antipop> About 3 or 4 pounds

#260330 +(1033)- [X]

<VOmitOry> I have a problem, every file i download gets corrupted, anyone know why? :o
<kn1ves> is your computer republican?

#260672 +(812)- [X]

<@Aztorath> I got stuck in a playground slide today.
<@Aztorath> Literally WEDGED inside the tube.
<@Aztorath> We took my roomates kid to the park to play on the stuff. And my roomate tells me to go down backwards, lying on my back, headfirst.
<@Aztorath> It was one of those totally enclosed twisty tube slides.
* DreadWolf (~DreadWolf@DreadWolf.users.undernet.org) has joined #oldwarez
* Abaddon sets mode: +v DreadWolf
<@Aztorath> So I'm like, "Alright". I climb in, slide about halfway to the sharp curve, and his kid jumps in after me, HEADfirst. He slams into me and is lying on my legs, my head hits the top of the tube, and I just about bend entirely in half.
<@Aztorath> So now I'm literally wedged inside this hot, tiny, plastic tube, with an extra 60 lbs pressing on me, entirely stuck. Can't move. Kid can't go back up because his feet are out behind him, and I'm kissing my knees.
<@Aztorath> If I were ever close to giving myself a blowjob, today was that day.

#260690 +(414)- [X]

*** Trel_Nadal is now known as ElmerFudd 
[ElmerFudd] Shhhhhhhhh!!! Be vewwy vewwy quiet...I'm hunting wamers...Huhuhuhuh 
[ElmerFudd] Wook!! a wascawy wamer!!! 
[ElmerFudd] KaBoom!!!!! 
*** ElmerFudd sets mode: +b *!*implyunix@*.libertysurf.co.uk 
*** SimplyBSD|fuck was kicked by ElmerFudd (Oh! No! I killed the wamer!!!.) 
*** ElmerFudd is now known as Trel_Nadal

#260706 +(1052)- [X]

<iRiot-Vinin^Amped> !kb kicks and bans at same time
ChanServ sets mode: +b *!*@adsl-63-204-246-30.dsl.lsan03.pacbell.net
<Arcanic> lmao
<Arcanic> dude
<Arcanic> you banned a guy named kicks

#260952 +(1218)- [X]

<eminem_fan> they changed google!
<eminem_fan> i hate it, it's like new coke
<Blacgrass> wtf, you're like eleven, how do you know about new coke?
<eminem_fan> stfu blac, how u know I'm 11?
<Blacgrass> do a google search for "eminem fans"...

#261028 +(1416)- [X]

<xenogenesis> That's nice, dear.
<xenogenesis>...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Do you see the injustice here? The accused claims to be of caucasian "pigment", if you will. However, whilst claiming to be of this race, he is attempting to sound "homie" or "black". An immediate contradiction.
<xenogenesis> Opposition rests.

#261275 +(171)- [X]

<Daxim> also, bersirc is broken
<Daxim> it must not add the angles to the link
<Daxim> I'll file a bug
<paranoid> I want to file a bug report to your fucking parents

#261282 +(-90)- [X]

<Aital> which is the off possition on a PSU?
<Aital> Is it the line or the circle?

#261340 +(1214)- [X]

<Astrum> bash.org script:
<Astrum> if( quote == funny )
<Astrum> reject();
<Astrum> else
<Astrum> reject();
<Astrum> I hear they're comming out with the bash.org script version 2
<Astrum> it's optimized:
<Astrum> reject();

#261501 +(14879)- [X]

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

#261902 +(428)- [X]

<Kazeuri> I feel like such a nerd
<Chris> Why?
<Kazeuri> I went to go call my girlfriend, and when I was thinking of the first numbers to dial, instead of 535, "HTTP" came to my head

#261931 +(4353)- [X]

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

#262314 +(2330)- [X]

<paRaLyX> what's long, hard and fucked two girls from my science class last week?
<Slax0r> omg...
<qwog> you didn't!
<paRaLyX> the mid-term physics exam :(

#262325 +(366)- [X]

<Fril> "Flight delayed because psychic passenger had vision of a bomb" - turns out the inflight movie was "Gigli"

#262353 +(13975)- [X]

<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<goatboy> bastard

#262354 +(701)- [X]

<[CD]Zinc|o_O> anyone know the name of tupac and biggy's new song ?
<[CwO]polarity> "We're Both Still Dead"

#262356 +(201)- [X]

<polarity> your dreidel brings all the goys to the yard.

#262360 +(822)- [X]

(@kaleido) so i start the video clip
(@Blaxthos) of that hottie we turned on on webcam the other night?
(@kaleido) coworker walks in just as im closing it to send to the machine at home
(@kaleido) "if you send it to me i wont say anything"

#262392 +(295)- [X]

<BenLMB> i'm waiting for niggabyte hard drives...so i can use it as a slave drive.

#262417 +(11039)- [X]

<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

#262451 +(990)- [X]

Buffman0250: i went to sam's club intending to buy contact lenses
Buffman0250: i left with peanuts cookies and slim jims
scr0t4r: is it because you couldn't tell the difference
Buffman0250: well i didn't have any contacts
scr0t4r: hmm i see
Buffman0250: youd be surprised how similar they look
scr0t4r: have you ever had a slim jim in your eye?
Buffman0250: twice
scr0t4r: you strike me as that type of person
Buffman0250: the second time it wasn't an accident

#262518 +(1289)- [X]

* Shockla has quit IRC (*.net *.split)
* rooties-w has quit IRC (*.net *.split)
* Mr_Hahn has quit IRC (*.net *.split)
* rup\tek has quit IRC (*.net *.split)
<wandarah> holy shit.
<wandarah> truly your meep is a powerful weapon.

#262521 +(560)- [X]

<@spr|efnex> last day of highschool
<@spr|efnex> im going to take 2 or 3 viagra, go up to every girl that rejected me, point at my pants and say "LOOK WHAT YOU MISSED, BITCH"

#262679 +(132)- [X]

<FQ|Dawg> ok so i was messing with one of my schools video cameras
<FQ|Dawg> and i recorded my dick, and i cant erase it off the tape
<FQ|Dawg> what should i do
<%CLV> tell them you were doing a study on the effects of amateur porn on modern society

#262986 +(1105)- [X]

<@God> keyweed, hah. i hate speaking in public :P
< keyweed> God: that explains the past 2000 years.

#263029 +(372)- [X]

<jeff> if the butterfly effect isn't the best worst movie ever, i don't know what is
<Calisa> Rotten Tomatoes has one review listed and it says, "Hitchcock would be proud."
<jeff> proud to know he had nothing to do with that film

#263079 +(691)- [X]

<nutkase> i need to schedule an eye exam
<nutkase> with a different doctor who wont cuss me out and tell me i need ritalin
<hateful> lol, did you jump when he was putting in the drops?
<nutkase> no
<nutkase> but when he was asking me which one was better number 1 or number 2 i was like how come there numbered and i only get 2 options
<nutkase> and then he was telling me to read the lines, and he had the radio on in the background and i was asking him to turn it up cause i liked that song
<nutkase> finally he said god damn it can you pay attention so we can get this over with and i responded with sorry i wasnt paying attention
<hateful> lol
<nutkase> and he proceeded to tell me i needed ritalin

#263081 +(1056)- [X]

[17:21:17] * Joins: jesus (~jirc@167.206.250202.456309)
[17:21:27] * Parts: jesus (~jirc@167.206.250202.456309)
<The_Defiance> ... o_O
<The_Defiance> So that was the second coming eh
<The_Defiance> short lived

#263967 +(1848)- [X]

<mcsim02> you know...one day the word pron is actually going to replace the word porn for good...and then in the year 2055 some internet geek is gonna think hes really funny by calling it 'porn' instead of 'pron'...and it will be a horrible horrible cycle

#264226 +(1252)- [X]

<zN|nJa> I wonder how tough the recruiting for suicide bomber school is
<zN|nJa> 'now watch closely because I'm only gonna do this once'

#264334 +(828)- [X]

<Hiyasu> I just called my manager, and told them I couldn't come in, because I'd just contracted leprosy.
<Hiyasu> The odd thing was, for about 10 seconds, she believed me.
<SePPach> lol
<SePPach> what did she say?
<newjersey> "I thought I fired you two weeks ago"

#264954 +(944)- [X]

<mbg> if a paintballgun doesnt kill people, and is thus called a marker
<mbg> so is a regular handgun a permanent marker?

#265013 +(1665)- [X]

<Geno> Dude...
<Geno> I was wearing my All Your Base shirt...and someone pointed out the craziest thing
<Geno> "Somebody Set Up Us the Bomb", when read Backwards, is "Bomb the US (united states) Up Set (upset) Somebody"

#265024 +(848)- [X]

<Ikaruwa> if i ever had to fire someone, i would do it scavenger hunt style. you know, give them a piece of paper with a riddle on it...
<Ikaruwa> and then when they figure out the riddle, itd point them towards the next piece of paper with a riddle on it...
<Ikaruwa> and keep doing that until theyve collected all their things and walked out the door. after which, theyd find a piece of paper under a rock that said "youre fired."

#265090 +(394)- [X]

<Ck3> know whats pedophile's favorite chord?
<Ck3> A minor

#265526 +(1486)- [X]

<Asha`monkey> One time I was watching porn for like twenty minutes. When I was finished, I took off my headphones and found the sound blaring out of my regular speakers as well.
<Asha`monkey> My mom told me to turn it down.

#265529 +(1492)- [X]

<grl_05>hi guys
<integrating> hey baby, i wish i were your derivative because then i'd be tangent to all your curves
<FifthElement> i wish i were your integral because then i'd be the area under all your curves

#265532 +(6762)- [X]

<Sabdo> on one of those speech-to-text programs my friend ripped ass onto the mic.
<Sabdo> and it typed out "France"
<Sabdo> we were like, wtf?

#265781 +(662)- [X]

Belmat:  When I was working at the old college, I had the bursar phone me up and say "my internet isn't working"
Belmat:  So I went down to have a look, and she had IE open, and was typing "internet" in the address bar

#265968 +(3882)- [X]

<tom_0369> man
<tom_0369> im never moving to seatle washington
<tom_0369> i flew over it and it was raining and gray as fuck
<tom_0369> it was depressing
<sammich> when was this?
<tom_0369> flight simluator 2004

#266014 +(799)- [X]

<Tso-JA> I love food... which is why my 6 pack is covered with a good 2 inches of flub
<Targeter> you're not fat you simply have "stealth abs"

#266250 +(740)- [X]

Pika98765: then stick it in the center and it won't be so ugly :p
Amarok: ...
Amarok: My father just woke up screaming "Suck my scrotum you cocksucking chink whores."

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