#199298 +(129)- [X]
<FyreDaug> fuckin ricers
<FyreDaug> civics are like tampons, every pussy has one
#199300 +(973)- [X]
<marduk> why do all the 14-year old girls at my school have completely impossible crushes, like orlando bloom?
<marduk> why don't they go for someone more realistic?
<marduk> like r. kelly.
#199315 +(612)- [X]
<StarFreeze2> Cyber blackmail artists are shaking down office workers, threatening to delete computer files or install pornographic images on their work PCs unless they pay a ransom, police and security experts said.
<Duffman> first, i'd tell em to trash all the fucking files they want. it's costing my boss money, not me
<Duffman> then i'd tell em to put on all the porn they wanted. i can always use more
<Duffman> gotta have something to do at work
<StarFreeze2> yea lol
<StarFreeze2> "we will put porn on your computer if you don't give us 2k"
<StarFreeze2> response: hurry and send the porn, i am so fucking bored
<StarFreeze2> second response: lesbian plz, if possible
#199336 +(540)- [X]
<badaboom> who can help me ? i'm french and i don't know irc
<Paladine> can't help you with the being french part, you are screwed their mate
#199355 +(7520)- [X]
<Meph|st0> Complaint : BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER, ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED
<Meph|st0> thats the greatest ebay feedback i have ever seen
#199421 +(492)- [X]
<tinman> Do you put antlers on your pussy?
<tinman> that wasn't for this channel
#199561 +(1334)- [X]
<daMehTognoM> Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize that I could be eating a slow learner.
#199850 +(416)- [X]
<valetine_4_ever> Piracy is wrong
<valetine_4_ever> Cool, but wrong
<Kalen> But it feels oh so right.
<Loony_BoB> It's not wrong
<Loony_BoB> They just have laws against it
#200255 +(676)- [X]
<SSilver2k> he worked on a server called Servix in a college, he asked this girl to log into her "servix" terminal...you can see how that conversation went.
#200545 +(491)- [X]
* edude84 (~firstname.lastname@example.org) has joined #Help
<edude84> are there cheats for IRC?
#200726 +(1676)- [X]
Velociraptor: Do you have ne updog?
SAMrhodes87: What the fuck is UPDOG?
Velociraptor: nuthin much wha bout u?
#200729 +(115)- [X]
<efm> I'm sorry tbc, but I'm not interested in arguing with you. I prefer to argue with people who have some understanding of the way arguments are conducted.
<tbc> And only a few days after jafo stabbed me in the face over the Internet. :-)
<efm> that was rude of him.
<jafo> It was a FRIENDLY stab in the face over the Internet.
#200737 +(433)- [X]
<Rachtman> I can't wait to watch Dick Clark's ball drop.
<Sharparoni> wow. never say that again, please.
#200852 +(528)- [X]
P][s7: Jez and I get in line for the bathroom, and every guy in line immediately pushes her to the front. She asks why, and they say, "Because you actually have to go." The door opens and three guys come out of the one-room bathroom together. The last one stops, says, "Oh wait, I have to pee," and heads back into the bathroom.
#200868 +(286)- [X]
<EvilGenius> HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!
<nykoelle> HAPPY NEW YEAR
<solace> HAPPY NEW YEARRRR
<EvilGenius> rofl meg
#200875 +(732)- [X]
On new years eve a friend told me this:
Psychism Alchemy: ugh I think I'm on my computer to much...
Psychism Alchemy: someone just asked me what my resolution was as I answered 1600x1200...
#201015 +(902)- [X]
<arsebadger> hasbro should make a 9/11-tribute jenga twin-pack
#201058 +(420)- [X]
• kayzee is currently listening to [Your Mum and Dad - 'Having Sex' (0min 12secs long)]
#201075 +(194)- [X]
<Icebird> I was thinking the other day that it would be funny to put a window in my brother's old computer case and turn it into a hampster cage.. put a wheel in, say I got the new processor from AMD
#201293 +(551)- [X]
Wintyr: I totally emasculated my father.
Wintyr: I took my little brother and put him in my old ballet recital dress, put lipstick and a bow on him, and then paraded him around the house in it...
Wintyr: In front of the dinner guests...who started, like, whistling at him and shit...
Wintyr: All the while he's like, "Look look! Cole pretty! Cole pretty!" and all happy about the dress.
Wintyr: My dad is just standing there with this horribly lost look on his face, saying, "I...I do have a boy...right...?"
Wintyr: It kicked so much ass.
#201384 +(485)- [X]
<Daggson> I think it's funny when people ask for romantic advice in IRC channels.
<Michi||Cleaning> "Daggs... how do I make Johnny fall in love with me?"
<Daggson> Because, you know, the geeks and nerds always have the most experience with their respective opposite sex.
<Michi||Cleaning> <-Is a nerd
<Michi||Cleaning> A neat freak too...
<Daggson> It'd be like going into the highschool football team's locker room and asking if anyone can help you with your Unix code.
#201579 +(12406)- [X]
<by> Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?
<Seven7> Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession
<by> I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot
<by> Now what?
<Seven7> Don't worry. It's done
#201594 +(205)- [X]
<SykoFreud> i need the medical term for the inside part of the woman where the egg is
<holgie> PUSSY BOX CUNT
<holgie> the answer is: BUTTHOLE
<SykoFreud> you stupid fucks!
<holgie> sorry, I'm not familar with words like that in english
<holgie> I know the most important words so it's all good
<SykoFreud> It's ok, man. I will use "pussy" then.
#201612 +(1039)- [X]
<Moushi> My friend is over
<Moushi> And he's ion thye bathroom right now
<Moushi> And he's been in there for a loing time
<Moushi> And I can hear... sounds
<Moushi> What do I do
<BHedL> jump in there with no clothes on but womens undergarments and a scary rubber mask
<Moushi> But he would ejaculate in terror all over me!
<BHedL> well, then you start a fetish porn site
<Moushi> His dad's a lawyer
<Moushi> He would sue me
<BHedL> nah, with the immense amount of money you´ll be making off of your ¨crossdresser rubber mask bukkakae¨, you could just hire him as your own lawyer
<Moushi> Yeah, but then he wouldn
<Moushi> 't be my friend
<BHedL> how do you know that he isnt there masturbating to the very mental image of you in womens undergaments with a big scary rubber mask on?
<Moushi> How about I just run in, scream in hiorror, and kick him in the balls?
<BHedL> theres no money in that
<Moushi> You make a compelling argument.
#201773 +(951)- [X]
<Jim> how big is 10 inches
<Jim> like on a computer screen
<ShyAway> somewhere around 22cm
<Jim> so how many inches would this be |-------------------------------------------|
<Jim> no way
<RiotingNerd> um that would depend on your screen resolution
<RiotingNerd> if i was using like 480*600 on a 21 inch monitor that would be like 15 inches
<ShyAway> jim is measuring his man tool in hyphens
<Jim> ok if you were on windows xp how many inches would that be
<RiotingNerd> jim what resolution sir
<Jim> xp professional
<RiotingNerd> no sir
<RiotingNerd> that is not a resolution
<Jim> but it's the newest one
<diospadre> thats an os you idiot
#201821 +(242)- [X]
<gande34> so my azn friend has a kid, and he turns out to be black
<gande34> they are like boaters man
<gande34> they named him "Sum Ting Wong"
#201842 +(46)- [X]
<Spiff> I was wondering why Jews didn't celebrate Christmas the other night
<Spiff> and the answer I came up with was that it was like John Wilkes Booth celebrating Lincoln's birthday
<Spiff> It's just not right celebrating the birthday of the guy you killed.
#201941 +(194)- [X]
Infidel: I got a great idea for Southwest Airlines. Disgusting lardass customers who refuse to purchase 2 seats can opt for the "treadmill" seat at the regular 1-seat price, and they have to jog the entire trip.
Void: i would just have them opt for the "chainsaw" instant weight loss program which your ticket counter clerk will be happy to help you with.
#201950 +(454)- [X]
<@sub> wow my uncle is a moron
! +Washu points ot at chr
<@sub> he got a pirated copy of WinXP and it wasent working good
<@sub> so he calls customer support..
#201975 +(291)- [X]
<wyki> *free hug*
<stef> the deals on the net are getting better and better!
<stef> *accepts hug*
<stef> *changes identity and accepts another* :D
<wyki> yeah but now you're signed up for two spam mailing lists from www.freehug.wyki and you'll have to change your email address in six weeks because of all the teen porn your getting
#201982 +(1338)- [X]
DasKrav: I was correcting tests for student service a few weeks ago
DasKrav: And while correcting a geometry test, I got to the question "What is the collision of three planes called?" (The answer was "a point")
DasKrav: the kid put "A disaster"
DasKrav: I didn't take off points >:]
#202117 +(469)- [X]
kakoru> Okay, I watching pr0n on my comp and after watching it for a while,I spilled my future kids are on my keyboard..My parents are probably going to see this any minutes by now!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??
Kapoop> Jesus gave you a tongue for a reason
#202140 +(767)- [X]
<Kintai> Yes, boobs are like toy trains
<Kintai> They're meant for children, but grown men tend to end up playing with them anyway.
#202266 +(330)- [X]
<DarkLich> This night has gone down hill ever since my pets starting flinging dung at me
#202293 +(903)- [X]
<pengo> parents coming tomorrow.. empty trash, hide bong, wear clothes
#202430 +(610)- [X]
[+MadManDaz] I brought a david blane toy 10 days ago. I Still cant get the fucker out the box.
#202477 +(9187)- [X]
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer
#202523 +(35)- [X]
<kim> heh... i just got on my gma's aol account... she has an email from her friend w/ the subject of: 7 great positions in bed
<Kirill> are you serious kim?
<Kirill> hahahahha wtf
#202629 +(294)- [X]
<Kemikal> ImMzee: I think I am haveing a heart attack
<Kemikal> ImMzee: hands are numb legs are numb eyes are blurry and heart is raceing
<Kemikal> Kemikal: nah, jess your left arm goes numb when its a heart attack
<Kemikal> Kemikal: your having a stroke
<Kemikal> havent gotten a response from him in 30min now...
<Kemikal> wonder if I should call someone
#202648 +(760)- [X]
<+NeoHentaiMaster> back in my day we had to manually punch the binary into the circuts using needle pins
<Insane2757> Back in my day, we coded with 2 badgers and a spoon.
<BladeTR> back in my day we had to draw the zeros and ones on the cave wall with clay
#202659 +(258)- [X]
<Madism> i have a penis
<Defveggy> show me mine if you show me yours
<Madism> its cold
#202673 +(279)- [X]
<Ashen> sometimes, we get users that suddenly make me realise why the mirc troutslap command was invented.
#202690 +(417)- [X]
<Quasar`> fuck off
<xooz98> i swear. i'm going to change my name to off and follow people around
#202719 +(1229)- [X]
<Shloom> I just showed this girl my wang on my webcam
<Shloom> But not only did I hear her giggle
<Shloom> but 2 other girls and a man
#202870 +(963)- [X]
<Comrade_Zoo> If an animal rapes you, can you sue it's owner?
<Revolution_Man> I did.
<Revolution_Man> And I won.
<Revolution_Man> Take THAT, Richards Fish Mart.
#202880 +(665)- [X]
«FSK405|digital`pBook» someone's banging on my door, yelling "POLICE!!! OPEN UP!"
«FSK405|digital`pBook» what should I do?
«GI_Suck» whip out your dick and open the door
«GI_Suck» and ask "are you the hookers i ordered?"
«FSK405|digital`pBook» you think?
#202900 +(283)- [X]
Steal My Bagels: okay
Steal My Bagels: amy
amy did not say: okay
amy did not say: mat
Steal My Bagels: best friend to best friend here
amy did not say: yes?
Steal My Bagels: whats the key to scoring
amy did not say: hahahaha
Steal My Bagels: you know there's an actual way that will always work
Steal My Bagels: but girls won't say
Steal My Bagels: what is it?
amy did not say: hmm
amy did not say: well the way that will ALWAYS work involves drugs/alcohol
amy did not say: hahaha
Steal My Bagels: hahahah
amy did not say: the other ones take time and lots of getting-to-know-you shit
#202901 +(806)- [X]
EternityAndAHalf: MY BROTHER IS PRACTICING HIS HORN
EternityAndAHalf: AT 2 A.M.
EternityAndAHalf: BRB, MY CAT IS GOING TO HAVE A BRAND NEW USE
#202943 +(162)- [X]
<Dante> i was going to stamp out forum moderation facism
<Dante> but the god damned Vb sig editor kept fucking up my ASCII swastika >:(
#203012 +(728)- [X]
<weeflig> i had a dream last night that i could switch back and forth between being me and a superhot girl by changing between two pairs of pants in the changing room at target
<Hallucination> lets not even break that one down
<Syntacs> Do you remember which changing room?