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#141248 +(669)- [X]

<Beren87> A swift kick in the pants
<Beren87> that's always my suggestion
<Beren87> for anything really
<Beren87> Need to move a mule? A swift kick in the pants. Need orange juice? A swift kick in the pants
<Beren87> It's very multi-purpose
<TheXPhial> I need a gift for a friend

#141296 +(223)- [X]

<Ayesha> half the men in my family have mullets XD
<dunderhead> are half the people in your family in serious relationships with other people in the famly as well?
<dunderhead> thats usually the consequence of rocking the mullet

#141310 +(-59)- [X]

<gribble> might apply for some jobs I don't have a jews chance in Auschwitz of getting

#141357 +(1360)- [X]

<malkygoat> i've donated 1000hours of CPU time to SETI
<ozzmosis> malkygoat: you know in about 20 years time the alien ships will land here on Earth and demand to know why we've been DOSing their alien network 20 light years away with random packets

#141580 +(636)- [X]

SilverJstr: I dreamt it snowed last night
SilverJstr: like, 20 inches
SilverJstr: I woke with a scream
ThanatoChaos: Canadian nightmares.

#141798 +(543)- [X]

(Serial) where can i buy speakers online
(@NJD) www.speakersonline.com
(Serial) australian
(@NJD) www.speakersonline.com.au

#142115 +(387)- [X]

<PERL_ZEALOT> ( E@3 )
<PERL_ZEALOT> / /U
<Brass> Whassat, Perl?
<PERL_ZEALOT> Goatse.

#142540 +(240)- [X]

Hobbes_: Hmm.
Hobbes_: I'm too lazy to use the mouse, and go to the address window.
Hobbes_: http://movies.yahoo.com
Hobbes_: Wait.
Hobbes_: Shit.
Hobbes_: I have to click that. =(

#142649 +(1078)- [X]

<JB> When I was a kid, you could just admire a naked woman. She didn't have to be defecating.

#142797 +(699)- [X]

<Kindred> I got a question:  If you're driving in your car at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
<Devilbunny> Kindred: It's all in your imagination.  Putting "R-Type" stickers on your tarus will not give it enough extra horse power to reach any signficant fraction of the speed of light, no matter the size of your spoiler.

#142934 +(11241)- [X]

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

#142960 +(1418)- [X]

<RikI> Havent had sex in sooooooo long
<RikI> It's gotten to the point where i masturbate thinking of other times i masturbated.
<Vorm> ...

#142976 +(676)- [X]

<Zok> Oh, it needs to be in jpg or png
<Sephiroth> okay I changed the extension
<Sephiroth> but isn't any smaller

#143356 +(508)- [X]

[9:43:pm] <beau> man, i have so much respect for anyone that designs adult web sites
[9:43:pm] <GodTheMod> its harder than it looks
[9:43:pm] <xie> Hahahahaha
[9:43:pm] <beau> i've been sorting through material for my site, and i can't help but get a hard on, and that means much less blood in my head.. i JUST CANT WORK LIKE THAT!

#143360 +(795)- [X]

<Ken> If a girl is 5'2" and weighs 110, what would her ring size be
<Nny> Ken: depends on how big her finger is

#143530 +(789)- [X]

<Hahn> I'm such a coding novice! My nipples get all hard when something compiles correctly.

#143577 +(396)- [X]

<Zorah> You're like a merry go round.. everyones had a ride.
<Exodus> naw
<Exodus> just the ones who are taller than 5'

#143587 +(148)- [X]

<pantsme> guys, give me ways the govt influences your life daily
<pantsme> i need 3 more
<Novasol> what do you have already?
<grendy> increased taxes due to multiple simultaneous wars, and slightly lower gas price3s thanks to stolen oil?
<grendy> or should i just shut up? my head hurts
<pantsme> i got the basics i just need a few others
<pantsme> make stuff up
<grendy> predator
<GoatLord> how about: They make laws that say I can't beat that stupid fucker with a tire iron.
<redsleep> reading my thoughts through major league baseball
<grendy> uh, the illuminati, the skull & crossbones, the magestic twelve?
<pantsme> nice
<pantsme> askin this on irc was dumb
<pantsme> :D
<GoatLord> you think?

#143725 +(270)- [X]

<CptPlanet> ever get the urge to have someone videotape you masturbating in public so you can watch it later and laugh? or masturbate again.
<slick> i have a tripod

#143758 +(566)- [X]

<heroofhyr> Japan, China and South Korea team up to plan an operating system to rival Microsoft Windows.
<heroofhyr> man i can't wait to try Rindows

#143858 +(746)- [X]

<ShadowRage> if this net needs anything it's more linux
<jimmiejaz> fuck no.
<ShadowRage> if ths net needs anything it's more women*
<ShadowRage> god dammit
<ShadowRage> You know you've become a nerd when the word linux automatically replaces "women" in your mind.

#144140 +(434)- [X]

<Killrbyte> God dammit...Jesus saves...why the fuck didn't I?

#144171 +(1282)- [X]

* Jon|Working has joined #twistedmonkey
* Jon|Working changes topic to 'Nerje, you really need to stop e-mailing me porn with cam pics and other such things. It's a nice surprise, but not so nice when your laptop is hooked up to a projector with people looking at it.'
* Jon|Working has quit IRC (Quit: )

#144440 +(1669)- [X]

<MrBob> I hate Uni. At least in film studies we get to talk about Fight Club.
<@X-Factor> Wouldnt you be breaking the first 2 rules?

#144532 +(617)- [X]

(dj28): http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/ftp/graphics/AT13/refresh/AL1303W5+GIF/081203W5.gif
(ZemRrushe): safe for work?
(dj28): no. it's a government sponsored goatse orgy gallery

#144827 +(247)- [X]

* punxy has joined #emo
<punxy> hi all
<_John> hi
<_John> do you have a vagina?
* punxy has quit IRC (Read error: No route to host)
<_John> asking people if they have a vagina is a new h4x0ring technique to crash people boxes

#144842 +(-363)- [X]

<Costilled> "Try our new pepperoni pizza!"
<Costilled> and I'm left thinking
<Costilled> what's so new about it?
<Costilled> so I kick the guy in the throat
<Costilled> and take his wallet
<Mystech> o.o out
<Mystech> Or ouch
<Mystech> depending on how weirdly my brain is functioning tonight.
* karass has joined #jack
<Costilled> and then there was deer
<Costilled> don't get me started on deer
<karass> i wont
<karass> sorry i brought it up
<Costilled> but the pizza was hand tossed
<Costilled> the cook could have tossed off in the dough and we wouldn't know
<Mystech> Well like didn't you watch him make the dough, too?
<Costilled> He was kneading the dough as only a hooter girl could understand
<Costilled> you know if they drop the dough while tossing it, your pizza is free
<Mystech> Wow, man, that's deep.
<Costilled> Did you know
<Costilled> you can no longer get a pitcher of soda at pizza hut
<Costilled> ?
<karass> *gasp*
<Costilled> your refills are free
<karass> ive never gotten a pitcher of soda at pizza hut, so i dont think im terribly put off by the bad news
<Costilled> they just don't want you hording the soda
<Mystech> hehe
<Costilled> the glasses are rediculously small however
<Mystech> Arizona is the state of free refills.
<Mystech> all refills are free.
<Costilled> A smurf would get caught by his knickers if he decided to go for a swim
<Mystech> uhhhhh. . . huh?
<Costilled> and remember, it's never polite to place your tip to the server by aiming coins into his buttcrack
<Mystech> O.o  It's not polite for your server's buttcrack to be showing.
<Costilled> I didn't care
<Costilled> I was tipping him with the money I got from the guy I kicked in the throat
<Costilled> nevermind the fact that it was canadian
<Costilled> the money that is, not the buttcrack
<Mystech> Them canadians are infultrating out society.
<karass> apparently the new 20 is going to be peach colored
<Mystech> have you seen the new twenty dollar bills?
<Mystech> They are colored!
<mulefoot> They're peachy :)
<Mystech> Just like canadian funny-money!
<karass> i hear thats because they are made of human flesh
<Costilled> yes
<mulefoot> Soylent greenbacks?
<Costilled> soylent cash
<Mystech> By gadzer!
<Costilled> eeeevil
<Costilled> I must unshare my brainwave with you
* Costilled takes his brain out of the DMZ
<mulefoot> Its just a harmonic...here file on one one of your fillings.
<Costilled> I have no fillings
<Costilled> I'm crest's bitch
<mulefoot> In that case we're going to have to change the shape of your brain cavity. I'm going to need a power drill and an M-80.
<Costilled> scope flavored
<Costilled> the currency of the UK is multicolor
<Costilled> and also scratch and sniff
<Costilled> scratch it and it smells british

#144844 +(138)- [X]

<degradationtrip> i need all 4 food groups now to get my mind off of things
<atm_> pussy, beer, weed, cake.

#144846 +(764)- [X]

<arioch> Day changed to 11 Sep 2003
<arioch> whee
<ukiro> ok, everyone put on fake beards
<arioch> don't got one
<ukiro> grow one
<ukiro> HURRY
<arioch> I haven't shaved in 3 or 4 weeks
<arioch> I have something more than a stubble
<Cyb> I have a goatsee thing
<arioch> but that's about it
<Cyb> er
<Cyb> goatee
<Cyb> damnit
<arioch> you have a goatse
<ukiro> hahaha
<Cyb> stupid internet ruined my life

#144851 +(228)- [X]

<aqualung> that's weird, "douche" is the french word for shower
<aqualung> but in english, when used with the word "bag" it becomes an insult
<lefty> lol, you stupid SHOWER BAG
<aqualung> and it also sorta sounds like germany's name in german
<aqualung> if anyone were to associate germany with showers, it would be the jews, not the french ;)
<lefty> yeah, but what's even weirder is the french have a word for something they never use

#144859 +(239)- [X]

* Ashfield is now known as Atropos
<-yptosis> Isn't Atropos that desease were you wang turns gray and falls off?
<Camen> No.
<-yptosis> God damnit, so I didn't need to wash it. That lying motherfucker.

#144870 +(291)- [X]

<emuflame-> what are some good efnet servers?
<nylint> hahahahahahahahahahh that's like asking 'do they make heroin that doesn't kill people'

#144895 +(510)- [X]

(+Apoc`) u wont believe what happened.
(@povo) what?
(+Apoc`) i copied a speech from the net
(+Apoc`) didnt read it at all
(+Apoc`) until i read it in class
(+Apoc`) it full had swearin n shit in it
(+Apoc`) like
(+Apoc`) eating cunt and suckin cock
(@povo) you actually read the swear words?
(+Apoc`) yer man
(+Apoc`) :s
(@povo) owned

#144901 +(24)- [X]

<digitok> which finger does a marriage/engagement ring go on a chick?
<taco_boy> left

#144922 +(874)- [X]

<@adsf> nz is good to go to if you from aus cus there dollar is actualy worse then ours
<*@orange1> that's because of all the civil unrest
<*@orange1> orks fighting the horse people and whatnot

#144936 +(741)- [X]

<distopia> whats the word for that ringing in your ears?
<distopia> begins with T
<overh3at> The Wife

#145128 +(1790)- [X]

<dArEn> I used to be bad at math, but I did a 360 in that

#145554 +(524)- [X]

<Luthor> Dude, my school banned white t-shirts today :(
<Luthor> they claimed it was a gang symbol, and that it promoted violence and conflict
<Nasci> I'd rather just ban all the kids, no more violence, problem solved.

#145556 +(61)- [X]

<zamback> wth is "Ultraslim" ?
<|DI|Okra^Ennis> its only 16 mm thick
<deyja> zamback: the size condoms you wear

#145562 +(322)- [X]

<RageFury|Work> Like just 2 days ago I casually dropped some Jalapeno into the can of Alpo Cat food I set out for the kitten.
<RageFury|Work> Freaking bastard tried to claw my pants.

#145594 +(591)- [X]

Drewtetz: you may be dropping rhymes, but I've tapped the zeitgeist, I smack you so hard your mom told me to "Play nice!"
Jon: drew.
Jon: you just rhymed "zeitgeist."
Jon: WTF?!

#145622 +(897)- [X]

RIAA Rep 387: My name is Mark Guineve, and I am a representative of the Recording Industry Association of America. We here at the RIAA, have recieved reports of illegal filesharing of copyrighted materials on your PC. We are currently filing lawsuits, against copyright infringement offenders, and are willing to give you a courtesy warning to stop these illegal activities, or we will subpoenea your ISP, to take further action.
RIAA Rep 387: We have detected several acts of illegal piracy on your computer.
RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, I am also in New Jersey and I can call your house if you would prefer.
Girl: what am i supposed to do
RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, are you currently using KaZaA, or is it another File-Sharing service?
Girl: kazaa
Girl: i just closed out of it
Girl: WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!
RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, it is necessary that you now dance around topless with a fishstick in your pants.
RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, are you doing this yet?
Girl: **** u!
RIAA Rep 387: Not appropriate language, Kristy.
RIAA Rep 387: Nah, I'm just messin' with you.
Girl: that scared me.. i was about to start dancin
Girl: jp who is this

#145628 +(51)- [X]

«@thatguy» dude there was a wiccan fat guy in this stupid fucking free thought listserv I was on in ksu
«@thatguy» He got caught jacking off in his room, and then he ripped off his clothes and marched around naked with a tinfoil axe threatening people

#145857 +(1121)- [X]

MonkeysMa: fuck that, if all chicks wanted was a huge dick, asians wouldn't be the largest ethnic group on the planet

#145889 +(1298)- [X]

<welzi> you're not one of these pretend geeks who secretly has a social life are you?

#145931 +(209)- [X]

<Carlos2> anyone know any good-tasting food with no sugar, fat, carbs, calories, cholesterol, or other junk?
<Wizmo> error
<Wizmo> error
<Wizmo> carlos you broke my logic engine
<Anti_Hero> uhh
<Coreyback> Sounds like water is your best bet.
<Anti_Hero> carrots?
<Carlos2> what? im hungry and slightly overweight.
<Wizmo> so you swallow your saliva
<Carlos2> i was thinking of air, but thats not filling enough.

#145954 +(982)- [X]

<bigbear> fuck
<bigbear> my ears are ringing
<Pebble> answer it then

#145986 +(848)- [X]

<Ian> whoa i b dling mb a sec
<Ian> i must b hooked to a good conn
<wolf> You need to be hooked on phonics.

#146008 +(770)- [X]

<Winterhart> I just told my mom "AFK, I'm going to work"
<Winterhart> She's like, "What?"
<Winterhart> I told her it means "just so you know" in latin :/

#146062 +(95)- [X]

<Calisa> When you went to the IKEA in Pittsburgh, what was the service like?
<Bubbaprog> the pitt store is great
<Bubbaprog> eat some swedish balls while you're there


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