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#124761 +(238)- [X]

< LittleJon> heh.... Kim just asked me what "bukkake" is.... so I told
             her to type the word in Google & hit "I'm feeling lucky."
< Lord_Pryo> lol!
< LittleJon> ....and she did it on Tixer's computer.
* Slide rofl!
< Lord_Pryo> :D
< Lord_Pryo> please tell me Tixer was there
< LittleJon> he came in towards the end, and said, "I'm gonna get in
             trouble!"

#124804 +(339)- [X]

<Sopabuena> I will name my children after my testicles
<Sopabuena> Left and Right
<GreenJeanz> .........
<Mort> I don't think 'small' and 'smaller' are very good names.

#124838 +(1151)- [X]

<@Firebird> Anyone want the mpeg of the ABC special about pirating movies and tv shows?
<Psy> ...

#124854 +(384)- [X]

<shiwan> Geez, can't a guy mention Janet Reno on Margaret Thatcher strap-on porn and not empty a channel?

#124859 +(418)- [X]

<deadpewl> dude
<Darn> hmmm I'm wondoring about these ranchos
<deadpewl> this dumb slut is at my house
<deadpewl> she wont leave
<deadpewl> but she wont fuck me
<deadpewl> wtf
<deadpewl> but she buys me beer and food
<deadpewl> so I guess she can stay
<TheDrip> just shove your cock in her mouth, and if she done like it, throw her out
<deadpewl> brb

#124860 +(-212)- [X]

spikearmageddon: how old are you?
saxydrew14: 15
saxydrew14: im a youngin
spikearmageddon: ooh, baby
almost legal, just my type
saxydrew14: ::jumps into arms:::
spikearmageddon: there you go, just sit on santa's lap
and tell me what you want for christmas
and don't mind the casual thrusting, it's necessary for me to fulfil your wish
saxydrew14: hahahahaha
saxydrew14: santa i want a bike for chrismas oww
spikearmageddon: that's a mightly big gift, little one
you'll have to stay on my lap for another hour, if you want that
saxydrew14: ok santa
saxydrew14: ouch
saxydrew14: thump thump
spikearmageddon: damn kid, you're bleeding
get the hell off
i'll give you 2 bikes if you shut up and bring me your little brother
saxydrew14: i dont have a brother
saxydrew14: i have a sister
saxydrew14: you want her
spikearmageddon: hmm
that gives me an idea
yeah, kid, bring her and get back on my lap
but she'll have to sit on your lap now
just do what i tell you and you'll get your bike in no time

#124867 +(1129)- [X]

Philips.com "live chat"

Please wait for a consultant to assist you.
mfennell will be with you momentarily!
mfennell says, "Thank you for contacting Philips USA Webchat. My name is Maurice. How may I assist you today?"
You say, "yeah.. i was looking at your digital camera keyrings and had a question"
You say, "i couldnt find what resolutions that were available to take pictures in"
mfennell says, "I will be more than happy to assist you with this information but first , please may I have your first and last name, zip code, city and telephone number so as to create a case file ?"
You say, "i realize it is 1.3 gigapixels and it comes in either 128 or 64 meg memory capacitys, but i dont know what res it will take picutres in"
You say, "er... do you really need all of that info? im not sure if im going to buy it or anything.. i just wanted to know the resolutions.."
mfennell says, "We would like this information so as to keep a record of each customer contact."
You say, "but im going to talk to you for all of like.. half a minute.."
You say, "my name and email address was allready submitted.. that should be more than enough"
mfennell says, "May I have the model number of the unit please?"
You say, "KEY008"
You say, "and KEY007.. if there is a difference"
mfennell says, "Thank you."
mfennell says, "With an issue like this what we suggest is that you contact us at 1-800-531-0039."
You say, "er.... lool.. ok... im not gong to give them my info either"
You say, "how bout i just look around for a different manufacturer that is less creepy.."
mfennell says, "With an issue like this what we suggest is that you contact us at 1-800-531-0039."
You say, "wow.. generated responses.."
You say, "really makes me feel i have a genuine connection w/the person helping me"
You say, "well thanx for spending a good 15 min of my time"
You say, "have a nice day...."
You say, "try not to seduce any 13 yr olds over the net..."
mfennell says, "Thank you."
mfennell says, "Thanks for contacting Philips USA. "
Your consultation has ended
mfennell leaves.

#124874 +(148)- [X]

Tony``/#chat slams a motherboard over the|navigator's head
<the|navigator> You idiot! I could of built a computer with that one.
<Tony``> no dice. it was an intel

#124884 +(1733)- [X]

<Locke|Away> Listen, this is purely theoretical, but is it dangerous to get a cat high?
<Boko> only one way to find out o_O
<Locke|Away> Like, not making him eat it or anything, but let's say there is a cat around the smoke.
<Locke|Away> That's not going to hurt the cat or anything, right?
<Odyslep> don't think so
<Odyslep> unless it ODs
<Odyslep> prolly give it a cough too
<Locke|Away> Let's say it hasn't coughed but it keeps trying to jump on top of the TV set and it keeps missing. 
<Locke|Away> Would that sort of cat be in any trouble?

#124895 +(1299)- [X]

<conlusio_> ok I can't fucking win today
<conlusio_> ATM eats my card
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conlusio_> Staples stopped shipping UPS for this week due to 'retraining due to shipping a hazardous container'
<conlusio_> and everyone fucking bails on me in the middle of my rant :(
<conlusio_> I knew I was bitching but jeezus
<conlusio_> ....

#124905 +(318)- [X]

<Arrgh> futhermore, the DMV shall be refered to from this point on as "the dank troll pit"
<Arkangel> agreed
<Arkangel> There are many interesting specimens of the lower caste of the human race residing there.
<Arrgh> the last time i was there, i overheard this: "no, thats not a saxaphone, its a fire extinguisher"
<Arkangel> lol
<Arkangel> I was there three weeks ago and I saw a women who looked straight out of "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"
<Arrgh> !
<Arrgh> you should have asked for her autograph
<Arkangel> pink hair
<Arkangel> reverse mohawk
<Arkangel> pig tails
<Arkangel> horrid make-up
<Arkangel> at least she looked happy!
<Arrgh> "i loved you in killer klowns! can you sign this for me?!"
<Arkangel> *women proceeds to eat me*

#124915 +(1059)- [X]

<BChikapa> Holy shit. Calisa, are you watching this thing on Fox
<Calisa> no.
<BChikapa> This guy was in a boat, and a swordfish JUMPED OUT OF THE WATER AND STABBED HIM IN THE FACE.
<Calisa> [SA]HatfulOfHollow finally got them.
<BChikapa> I don't know if it's sadder that you made that joke, or that I got it.

#124948 +(2022)- [X]

<@kitten`> Scientists have determined that the average time for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine, and since the average length of the penis is six inches, the average female received two hundred and sixteen inches or fifteen feet per intercourse. Three times per week, fifty two weeks in a year, so, 150 times 18 makes 2700 feet, or just over a mile and a half. If you are not getting your mile and a half, why not let me help out
<Ritontor> strokes per minute is 9?
<i> rofl
<m0zz> 4 minutes?
<revva> lol
<Ritontor> what the deuce?
<m0zz> 4 minutes is average!?
<kb_DeAd> the average length of the male penis is 15cm
<i> well since i got at least 9 inches, you should be getting 2 and a 1/4 miles
<@mima> like 4 min is way too short
<kb_DeAd> the average depth of a female vagina is 18cm
<kb_DeAd> goin on current population
<kb_DeAd> australia has 12,367 feet of unused pussy
<i> hang on... work out the average amount of cum we shoot up a bitch each time
<i> and we can work out miles per gallon
<Mad-Cow> rofl
<@catinahat> heAe Ahe AEHA EhaEH
<@catinahat> youre all fucked up

#124952 +(6)- [X]

<BlueAngel_> we did it over msn yesterday
<BlueAngel_> I was very pleased with it
<BlueAngel_> I can't wait to meet him in person

#124955 +(252)- [X]

RubbarDuckling: my middle eastern boss pulled me aside from work today
RubbarDuckling: and was like
RubbarDuckling: "there are some things that are concerning me with your work, you didnt fill the lids or the napkins...you left the steam tables on overnight and the place could have burned down..but most importantly...you didnt wear your uniform"
RubbarDuckling: im like "wait  wearing a uniform is more important than setting a building aflame....how?"
RubbarDuckling: and hes like
RubbarDuckling: "oh and yea...you need to stop being so sarcastic."
RubbarDuckling: "and with your work you need to work better...you know..pull your socks up!"
RubbarDuckling: and im like "what the...what??  pull my socks up uhhh..."
RubbarDuckling: what the fuck is pull my socks up mean
RubbarDuckling: i liked how arson is 2nd on his list though

#124957 +(1041)- [X]

<doobie> where do you sickos get these fucking links
<doobie> i mean seroiusly, do you type in
<doobie> horribly disfigured penis into google?
<Diablo> no
<Diablo> actually i was searching for penises in mouse traps

#125191 +(1137)- [X]

<`-X-> how i can disconnect without the usual commands? (/quit, /disconnect /exit etc )?
<`-X-> help me pls
<@Splodgey> /msg <insert name of ircop here> you suck cock

#125216 +(242)- [X]

<zeedo> heh I got a delivery today and started to sign my name "zeedo"
<zeedo> lmao
* Subliminal is playing Metallica - Jump In The Fire
<Subliminal> rofl
<Subliminal> your loosing your true identity
<Subliminal> and become a sequence of 0's and 1's
<zeedo> the dude just gave me a weird look when I said "can you wipe that off its the wrong name"
<zeedo> he cleared the screen thinking I was a weirdo
<zeedo> I am but thats besides the point
<Subliminal> lmao
<Subliminal> you should spell itin binary or smt

#125229 +(578)- [X]

<Scummder> well thats great. I get to spend about 5 minutes playing gamecube before my mother appears from nowhere and tells me to do more mowing.
<bile> think of your mother as an endboss and destroy her.

#125283 +(13304)- [X]

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes  Mrs.Miller.. :-/

#125316 +(116)- [X]

<blue-mecha> uh oh, interoffice sexual policy has been violated

#125350 +(450)- [X]

<ShyAway> so, if you asked for mint, I wouldn't not give it to you because you like chocolate
<ShyAway> so, in conclusion, men are chocolate, girls are mint
<ShyAway> and, flat likes men
* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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<MonaLeilani> flat: set mode +I
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<flatface> Never
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<flatface> This is much more fun

#125360 +(264)- [X]

<metaly> what the dum
<metaly> this person on direct connect has their drives named after the three wise men
<metaly> although i am guessing they were trying for "gaspar" but somehow ended up with "casper"
<Pokeytax> which one is the porn

#125382 +(260)- [X]

<Harklan> youll never believe this
<Harklan> but theres a tomb raider game that doesnt suck
<Resare> Tomb Raider: Undressed?

#125404 +(778)- [X]

Lord Almighty 3: yo
onkeybutt87: can you make a rock that you can't lift?
onkeybutt87: because if you're all-powerful... you can make something unliftable
onkeybutt87: but if you're all-powerful, you can also lift it
onkeybutt87: which wouldn't make it unliftable
Lord Almighty 3: ...
Lord Almighty 3: shit

#125408 +(-1)- [X]

<Strepto> Lack of porn is just as dangerous as dehydration.
<_abuse> you are so right strepto..

#125416 +(384)- [X]

<cj_> welp, that was fun.  back to irc.
<cj_> i managed to add a quart of oil to my car before losing interest in RL.
<cj_> cs?

#125442 +(383)- [X]

<@Gesten> I'm going to cry when my grandchildren look at me and say: "Grandpa...why'd you let them make everything on the internet illegal?"
<@Amily> as if it was all your doing? :)
<@Gesten> I should've been born two years earlier so I could ahve ahd a voice.
<@Amily> you don't have a voice?!?!
<@Amily> you're a mute!
<@Gesten> You didn't know I was a mute?
<@Amily> well i know now, and it makes me immensely happy
<@Gesten> No seriously...my neck hit a countertop when I was a kid. I can only make high-pitched muffled noises that sound like squirrels mating.

#125529 +(1069)- [X]

<NES> hah
<NES> speaking of your mom jokes getting me in trouble
<NES> my friend rocky's mom died of cancer
<NES> I had no knowledge of this cancer, I hadn't known him very long
<NES> and I had for a while this obnoxious habit of doing those your mom jokes
<NES> repeating something someone said and inserting their mom
<NES> so I sit down at lunch one day and I hear him say "she died of cancer"
<NES> and I said "your MOM died of cancer"
<NES> *silence*

#125655 +(431)- [X]

<mad> shit shit shit
<mad> i just started blaring tunes, thinking i had only my headphones on
<mad> but i forgot to turn off my speakers..
<mad> i bet i just woke everyone in the house up
<Gold> lol
<Gold> nice one
<mad> meh
<mad> im drunk
<mad> what do i care
<GreenWrecKingBall> hahaha
<GreenWrecKingBall> lucky it wasn't porn
<mad> omg
<mad> that's exactly what i was about to type
<mad> "lucky it was was rage against the machine, instead of this pron mpg i was about to load up"
<mad> since the only reason i realized my speakers were on is my feet could feel my sub kicking
<mad> i doubt the pron woulda done that until about half way in

#125714 +(949)- [X]

<inetd_> so many people at work are homophobic
<inetd_> so i'm gonna ask random peoples "if you were on a bus full of gay guys, would you get off?"

#125728 +(1983)- [X]

<Shempo> ...do I have to set the drive to like...master..slave..blahblahblahb...o.O
<ShadowRage> slave
<ShadowRage> look at the jumpers on it
<ShadowRage> there will either be an M or an S, or just mater or slave
<ShadowRage> pop the jumpter on slave
<ShadowRage> jumper*
<ShadowRage> if it's the primary hd, then master
<Shempo> Well...Rawr..
<Shempo> I plugged the bitch im
<Shempo> in8
<Shempo> in*
<Shempo> it rawred at me
<Shempo> CLIIIKC CLICKCLIIICCK
<Shempo> ..now what?
<ShadowRage> access the bios
<ShadowRage> (either escape, f1 or delete when your computer first powers on)
<Shempo> yea..
<Shempo> and?
<ShadowRage> what kinda BIOS do you have?
<Shempo> dunno
<ShadowRage> this is on an older machine?
<Shempo> 1 year
<ShadowRage> hmmm
<ShadowRage> ok, are you in the bios?
<Shempo> ..no
<Shempo> That'd require restarting.
<ShadowRage> ... you added this HD with the computer on?!
<Shempo> >.>
<Shempo> <.<
<Shempo> :D
<ShadowRage> ..on your current machine?
<ShadowRage> right now?
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage> .....................................................
<Shempo> Run?
<ShadowRage> lowkey: give me the learnin' stick.
<Shempo> ...
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> The 2x4?
* ShadowRage smacks Shempo with a 2 by 4
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> Yea...dumb mistake..
<ShadowRage> ....you seriously plugged it in with the machine ON?!
<Shempo> Possibly harmful?
<ShadowRage> ......
<ShadowRage> yes
<ShadowRage> very
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage> ..it's a surprise your computer didnt explode and kill you in the process.

#125928 +(1737)- [X]

<m[e]ntor> Does anyone know where I can buy 100 m of wireless lan cable?
<insight> Well, you could try NASA's "things not yet and never will be invented"-department or something.

#125982 +(404)- [X]

<Big_Mike> Science teachers are either really good or complete nutcases.
<DS> sometimes both.
<CurvyEm> I'm actually topless now, i couldn't be arsed to wear a top anymore
<DS> it is a fine line.
<DS> Well, that was a nice random interjection into a completely random conversation.

#126082 +(214)- [X]

RaceTM: yeah its really weird
it seems like every time i re-install, something goes wrong
RaceTM: i have yet to get a flawless ghost image
RaceTM: its pissing me off
lol
RaceTM: and im sure its probably one dumb program i always install that messes things up
Veritech Ferret: hehe
Veritech Ferret: Windows

#126122 +(394)- [X]

<Myuutsuu> Apparently my brother was oggling at my porn stuff and my girlfriend's picture.
<Tone> Your little brother was FAPPIN' to your girlfriend?
<Myuutsuu> All of his game files will be mysteriously deleted.
<Alphonse> Inside several folders.
<Myuutsuu> He will have a piss stain in his bed the size of China.
<Myuutsuu> He will have his YGO cards stolen.
<Gojirott> Myuu: Use milk :X
<Gojirott> or better yet, mayo
<Myuutsuu> And I will pay one of the kids at his school to kick his ass.

#126130 +(309)- [X]

<Calren> CPU Usage: 102% score
<+Olanis> Is that possible?
<Calren> I'm throwing all my resources into running everything at top speed, lol
<+Andross> um, how do you do that
<Sterri> lovely, you trying to warm the room up?
<Calren> Andross: chant very, very hard
<Calren> and currently I'm trying to toast a poptart
<Sterri> on the cpu, right?
<Calren> it's sitting behind the fan

#126178 +(95)- [X]

[NARHDD] Man Skunk I think your gay
[Skunk] thats nice but the only time i've ever come across gay porn is accidentally.
[NARHDD] Its amazing how people always claim that their eyes just wonder from a reg. porn site to a gay one (with help of ctrl + F)
[Skunk] Man I knew I shouldve uninstalled VNC

#126186 +(1431)- [X]

<Wallrod> i hate having my room right next to the bathroom
<Wallrod> i have to hear my dad take a shit
<Wallrod> EVEN DEATH METAL DOESNT COVER ALL THE FREQUENCIES MY DAD'S ASS BROADCASTS ON

#126218 +(9912)- [X]

<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

#126273 +(5965)- [X]

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 ;)
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....

#126275 +(1186)- [X]

<EVILteddy> a couple of morman missionarys came to my door this morning
<EVILteddy> hehehe\
<Bakaneko-kun> whatd you do?
<EVILteddy> mum had a cows heart out for the cats dinner
<EVILteddy> i took it to the door and took a huge bite of it
<Bakaneko-kun> really?
<EVILteddy> yep
<EVILteddy> it tasted horrible
<EVILteddy> it was raw and bloody
<EVILteddy> they called me a heritec and ran soooo fast^_^
<EVILteddy> i was pissing my self laughing all day it was like the best thing ive ever done to a morman

#126280 +(355)- [X]

<PA_stoned> for once i wasn't thinking about sex   
<PA_stoned> lookit that, i guess being stoned does not necessarily make me horny!   
<DS_lonely> *gasp* and i bet your not stoned.  
<PA_stoned> yes i am!   
<DS_lonely> WHAT!  
<PA_stoned> why else would i be eating pussy with my finger?   
<PA_stoned> oops!   
<DS_lonely> noice!  
<PA_stoned> i meant puddding

#126324 +(337)- [X]

<Wargon> RPC exploit grrrrrrr
<Wargon> blocked the ports now
<tfg> AOL blocks all that shit for me by default
<tfg> They clearly know what 99% of their users are like
<Spanky-G> like?
<Spanky-G> 99% of their users hardly know what a computer is

#126384 +(622)- [X]

<[Knob]> So anyway, I was in this pub yesterday night, and there was music playing. So my friend suddenly says to me "This is good music to jerk off to" I'm like "What the fuck?" and he goes "Yeah, doesn't everyone have a song that they jerk off to?" - And while he said that, the music was turned off and he screamed it throughout the entire pub. Everyone was looking mighty strange at me...

#126421 +(35)- [X]

--> dave (aqeug129@uplink-25D84252.shlb1201.mi.comcast.net) has joined #Uplink
--- Ghostalker is now known as Muad
<dave> /msg nickserv register <snip> <snip take 2>@comcast..net
--- Muad is now known as Muad_dib
<dave> opps
<MH2> opps indeed
<dave> yea so whats new?
<MH2> Well
--- Muad_dib is now known as Ghostalker
<-- Ghostalker (Ghostalker@uplink-1EB07998.lutn.cable.ntl.com) has left #Uplink (Rejoining because of user@host change)
--> Ghostalker (Ghostalker@graveyard.net) has joined #Uplink
<MH2> I now have access to your email account
<MH2> That's pretty new
<-- Squall has quit (Ping timeout)
<MH2> You have 0 new messages, by the way

#126424 +(577)- [X]

<Jolene> so, when they landed on the moon, why cant u see the stars in the pictures they took?
<chippy> it was daytime

#126428 +(1145)- [X]

<ZiggyPopFoo> does anyone know how to install OpenBSD i hav ti on disk and i cna load it and everyhtin but i dunno how to install it properly without wiping over windows, plz help lz?
<notick> buy a unix help manual.
<ZiggyPopFoo> i dont have unix in have openbsd u fucking def bastard.
<notick> oh, my bad! (idiot)
*ZiggyPopFoo forgives notick
<ZiggyPopFoo> dont worry i have had nowledge about openbsd for yers its just open bsd is the hardest one of them all, ull learn as mich about as i know some day.
<notick> Shower me with your god-like wisdom, ZPF
<ZiggyPopFoo> wisdom??? I HAVE OPENBSD!!!!

#126443 +(536)- [X]

<AaronsGurl> Um  If Your Aaron Carter MSG Me And Chat Wit Me!
<the|navigator> That's pretty sad.

#126674 +(1377)- [X]

<dsbnh|VC> saw chocolate boxer shorts yesterday
<dsbnh|VC> first thing that hit me was "may contain nuts"


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